So many things about adoption and reunion cause tornadoes of thoughts for me. I often find myself with contradicting thoughts swirling through my head.
One of them is regret. On the one hand, I deeply regret giving my son up for adoption. Oh, how I would love to go back and be able to raise Christopher. What I wouldn't give to be able to do that. But then, would I be denying him the life he has had? Does my wishing I had raised him say that I would deny him the family he grew up with & loves?
Another thing I often wish is that he felt something for me, or maybe something more. I don't want to speak for him, but I don't think he feels much for me because he has no desire to meet in person. On the one hand it hurts to know that he does not feel a desire to "know" me. But then the swirling begins and I think that it's a good thing that he doesn't. I'm glad that he did not live his life feeling a huge void because of me. It would be so hard to know that he grew up hurting because of me ~ I never wanted to hurt him.
Then there's my mom. I wish that she was still alive so she could know about my reunion with Christopher. On the other hand, I'm glad that I don't have to work through all of my reunion stuff with her too. I don't think I could tell her the truth about why I really gave him up. How do you tell your mother that she was a huge part in you losing your child?? No matter how ugly things were, she was my mom & I love her ~ I would never want to hurt her.
Sometimes I feel like Dorothy ~