This notebook doodle really has me thinking.
I define my life in 3 stages.
After giving him up for adoption
Was it meant to be? Was he not meant to stay in my life? I do not believe in "destiny", as far as my life being pre-destined. I don't believe that I was born to give birth to a child I could not raise. I don't believe that Christopher was conceived by me in order for N & F to become parents. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done. My life changed drastically at that point in my life.
Saying hello again in reunion was the change that broke me down, making me more vulnerable than I ever thought possible. There have been many times during these last (almost) two years that made me think this change was more than I could bear. There were many times I wished I could go back into that lovely place called Denial. In some ways being in denial was so much easier. In reality though, this change has saved my life. I finally had answers. I knew my son was alive. I saw the ways that the loss of my son, the denial of the grief from that loss, was effecting every aspect of my life. In finally being vulnerable, by telling my story, I have found strength. In being vulnerable, I have begun to finally live an authentic life.
In the weeks after Thanksgiving, I had come to realize there is another change that is necessary for my well-being. I needed to accept that my "fantasy" reunion is just that. It is a fantasy. The reality of our reunion is a happy one. We have discovered that we have a lot in common. We have answered many questions for each other. Christopher came into this reunion only wanting info, yet he quickly said he wanted "more". Even though he does not email frequently anymore, he will reply when I send him one. We are Facebook friends. This is so much more than I ever thought I would have.
The change I have made is that instead of praying for Christopher to want "more", I have been praying for acceptance. Acceptance for what is. I have felt at peace with this for a couple of weeks now. I cannot change the way Christopher feels (or doesn't feel) about me, but I can change the way I look at our reunion, our relationship.
I still have hopes for our relationship to grow deeper in the future. I still yearn to see photos of him as a child, photos of him growing up. I still pray that some day I will get to meet his family, that I will have a chance to know my grandchildren. I will always hope that some day Christopher will want "more"; in his own time, not mine. I accept where we are at right now. I rejoice in what we have right now.
Acceptance of what I have versus what I dream of is a welcome change to my weary heart and soul.
The "change" that reunion brought into my life became too much for me to bear as it had been. I believe that this latest change, acceptance, is the only thing that saved my sanity through the holidays and now into this new year.
As long as we are seeking something,
be it a state of being or something material,
we will always be seeking.
When we stop and accept what ever it is we are seeking,
we allow the experience of it.