Friday, February 25, 2011

My New Grandson!

I would like to introduce you to my beautiful new grandson Drake!  He is one day old in this photo.  Drake was born yesterday, weighs in at 6 pounds and 14 ounces, he is almost 21 inches long.  He is absolutely perfect in every way!  Momma is a super-hero, only in labor for about 5 hours and this is her first baby!  She better not be too far from the hospital next time...

It was such a beautiful day, an extremely happy day.  My worries were for nothing.  My entire being was in the moment of watching my son become a daddy again, seeing my brand new grandson be welcomed into the world. 

On the way home, of course my mind began to wander.  Remembering the births of my own children.  I of course thought of Christopher's.  I am still rather thankful that I don't remember it.  Only slight memories, like fog covered split-second moments, nothing solid.  Although, it does make me wonder if they gave me something...  If there is a reason I don't remember...  It wouldn't surprise me to find out that they did....

I was rather surprised that I wasn't sad at all yesterday, I only felt complete happiness for Drake and his parents. 

Then today...

An old Tracy Chapman song came on that I haven't heard for a long time.  Of course it had a completely different meaning this time. 

And now.  The thoughts are circling in my head.  I can't get them out...

It breaks my heart..
    For Christopher, much more than for me.
That I wasn't allowed to love him, hold him, let him feel the beating heart that was all he knew before he was born. 

It haunts me.  The thought of that innocent baby.  Taken from his mother immediately.  I pray that the nurses found time to love on him, to nurture him while he was in the hospital.  I pray that the foster family held him and loved on him always while he waited till his parents arrived.  I hope...

It is killing me, the thought of Christopher not getting the loving entry into the world that every innocent baby deserves.  The thought of that innocent baby boy, taken away from all that he knew.  I wish I had been smarter and wiser then, would have been strong enough to stand up against the "norm" then...   I wish I hadn't been worried that I would fall too much in love with him if I didn't follow "their" rules.  (It was too late for that anyways, I already had.)  I wish I would have thought about what Christopher needed at that moment, not what I or "they" needed.

       If I could time travel, I would tell the nurses and FloCrit to go to hell, that I was going to love him while I could, that I was not going to abandon him immediately after birth...

As I shared in my previous blog post, I was worried that this first birth after our reunion was going to stir up things for me.  I just didn't expect a song the next day to spill it over the edge...


  1. (((HUGS))) Susie, I am so sorry. I also wish there was a way for you to go back in time and do it all over, I truly do.

  2. Susie!!! What a beautiful baby boy! I can only imagine how you must feel, but I am so happy that you will be a part of your grandson's life, and so glad your son is back in your life, too. I wish you could go back in time, too...I wish we all could...

  3. Hugs! He's absolutely beautiful. Congrats! Wouldn't it be nice if the good things didn't come with the bad? Songs can be so triggering...

  4. He is gorgeous!!!

    Congrats <3

  5. What a beautiful new grandbaby you have! And, like you commented on my post, I understand...... all too well.... and that song, wow, hadn't heard that one in a long time and yes, it's amazing how a song can change meaning depending on your thoughts and the place you are in your life. I might have to add that one to my blog.
    My son became a dad for the first time this past June and I understand also the feelings that come up with seeing your grandchild.
    Hugs to you, I know how you feel.