As expected, May 8th was really tough this year. It was not only Mother's Day, but it was also Christopher's 32nd birthday. The two hardest days of the year for me, rolled into one!
As much as I try to not get my hopes up, my heart can't help but daydream about a phone call that begins with "Happy Mother's Day Mom!" from my firstborn. And of course that dream phone call would end with "Bye Mom ~ Love ya".
So. When the day came and went with no acknowledgement of Mother's Day at all from him, and my phone call to tell him Happy Birthday unanswered... Well, let's just say it wasn't a good night once my raised kids and their kids went home and I was left with my thoughts returning to Christopher again.
(I did have a wonderful evening with my raised kids and their kids. My daughter made a beautiful handmade gift that represented ALL of my kids. It is a sculptured tree with birthstone crystals representing all of the kids and grandkids. It's shiny and it sparkles in the sunshine ~ photos don't do it justice or I would post one. Maybe I can talk my talented daughter into getting a great photo of it for me...)
The rest of the night was spent in a pity-party and a half bottle of tequila's worth of margaritas. I prayed to be able to go back into the adoption closet, take a trip back up that wonderful river of Denial. To go to that place where I again was not "really" a mother to Christopher, did not feel the intense pain of the loss of him. I thought that if he didn't want me in his life, I should just accept that and step back and out of reunion. Yesterday was a doozy of a May 8th hangover (more emotional than alcohol induced) ~ to say I was a bit crabby would be putting it mildly.
Last night I was reading some of the last emails I received from Christopher. I hadn't realized that the last one he sent was before his last visit on April 21st. It was just six weeks ago that he had met his siblings, nieces and nephews for the first time, two weeks since he came back for a second visit.
I wish that I could call him and ask him how he's doing. I wish we could just sit down together and honestly talk about everything. I hate to speculate on what he may be thinking about all of this, but it has got to be so very difficult. I try to imagine what he could be going through, what parts of this reunion would be hardest for him. I think one of the things would be the difference between his two families.
Our family gets together often, not just for holidays and birthdays. It's not unusual for me to get home from work and find a grandkid or two at the house just hanging out, or for me to get a phone call from my daughter or son saying that their family is coming over for dinner just because. It is usually noisy and chaotic when we are together, from laughter, talking, kids playing, my youngest son antagonizing his nieces and nephew. We just love being together, and don't need a reason to get together.
I don't think his adoptive family gets together very often, unless it's for a holiday or other special occasion, or if it's been a while since his parents have seen the grandkids.
After realizing all of this last night, I began to (thankfully) get out of my pity-party mood. I looked at how far our reunion has come in the last year. Just one year ago I hadn't even met Christopher in person yet, nor did he have any desire to. Just short of seven weeks ago he hadn't met his siblings and their families yet. I am so very lucky that my dream of having ALL of my children together in one room has come true ~ twice!
As I went to bed last night ~ counting my blessings instead of focusing on what I thought I didn't have ~ I had a great nights sleep.
Today I received my "Daily Truth" email and it was again so very appropriate.
Our relationship IS growing ~ slowly but surely. It may be growing slower than I want it to ~ but it is happening.
There IS so much fabulousness wrapped up inside of every stop of this difficult, long journey of reunion. I have learned so much about myself. I have "met" some wonderful people in my quest to heal from the loss of my son. Through an online forum for mothers, I have been a part of keeping a mother and her child together so that they won't ever know the pain of adoption loss. Through that same forum I have been a voice of truth regarding adoption loss for other mothers as well as prospective and adoptive mothers. I have come to "know" some amazing adoptees and other mothers through their blogs. If not for everything I have learned from my online friends, I can't imagine where I would be on this journey of adoption loss and reunion. I am so very thankful for all of them.
I am thankful for this Daily Truth ~ pushing me even further out of my May 8th funk!
I wish it wasn't so easy to get lost in the pain and grief of adoption loss. Will that hole in my heart ever really be filled? I dont' think so...