There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.
It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child. Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ? Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way? Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews? Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion?
A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue. (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.) For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life. I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.
This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on. This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path. So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart. I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon. One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.
|Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher|
I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me. I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us. I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.
As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:
She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.
So that's what I'm going to try to do. To Let Go and Let Love.
P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness. I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week. I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong. I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day. Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...