Falling. Flying. I find myself thinking about both as I continue my journey of "finding myself" these days. I found this painting and it occured to me that maybe this is what I am doing. Building my wings. The first time I remember feeling as though I could fly was when I started to authentically live this life of being a mom of adoption loss ~ I found reality in "The Truth Shall Set You Free". As often happens, something unexpected came along to knock me down into the pits of adoption loss despair again. There have been many ups and downs in this journey of finding myself after reunion with my son. Instead of looking at that as all bad, perhaps I need to look at the falling as a time I am "building my wings", strengthening them to help me fly farther up next time. Maybe it's in the falling that we find the strength to fly.
Thanks to Suz leaving a link in her reply on my last post, I was able to read again her post about falling. I again found myself being drawn into Suz's experience of falling...
In my head, I started to fall.
I felt myself falling into a deep, dark, tarry abyss.... And then, inside my head, I started to fall into that dark place.
I had lost my grip on the reality I had created for myself.
I knew I wasn’t coming back from that place.
I knew the world as I knew it was gone.
More images..my husband, my son, my friends, my job…
petty objects I would never see again.
Sounds I would never hear.
Flying faster and faster at me and then through me.Falling.
Fast. Incredibly fast.
I fear ever getting even remotely close to facing this! But then, as I go on to read the rest of Suz's post, especially these words:
And yet I must admit that as much as that place terrifies me, it also intrigues me. I cannot help but wonder WHAT might be at the bottom, or perhaps on the other side.
If “the only way out is through” might I actually be able to “let go” in the sense of letting go of these pains, expecations and more. Might there be a better, brighter, happier life for me on the other side of that dark hole?
I cannot deny that even as I fear it, I also desire it. I want to face my grief and loss in order to move past it. I don't want to be held prisoner by my buried emotions forever.
Now if only I could find a way to finally do that...
Thank you to The Artsy Girl Studio for permission to use her beautiful painting "She Built Her Wings". Artsy Girl has many other prints that I have fallen in love with, including "Be Brave" which has also given me an idea for a future blog post.