Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Very Thankful Thanksgiving!!

Being Thankful doesn't even begin to describe my feelings this Thanksgiving!  The things I am most thankful for are the same as last year, but the depth of the thankfulness is much, much, more intense. 

Usually in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I find myself planning the big day, reflecting on the previous year and how much I have been blessed with in my life to be thankful for.  This year, with Christopher's surgery being scheduled just two days before Thanksgiving...  I was paralyzed.  I couldn't bring myself past yesterday.  "The Tuesday Before Thanksgiving" loomed huge and ugly before me. 

Here we are now, about 30 hours since his open-heart surgery was over, and he is making remarkable strides in healing already!  By mid-morning today, he had already read all the well-wishes from people on the carepage set up for updates on his surgery, as well as been checking things out on FaceCrack (love that name, totally stole it from Linda!).  He also has taken two walks, had a couple of tubes removed, and they have already talked about letting him go home this weekend. 

I hadn't even shopped for anything to make for tomorrow ~ thank goodness that my uncle decided to plan a huge bash for my dad's side of the family so I only had to make a side dish and a dessert.  No house cleaning necessary!  My lovely daughter was out & about and got groceries for me this afternoon, so I didn't even have to leave my house today.  I'm still recouping from strep, thankfully the antibiotics kicked in fast.  It probably helped that I was able to spend about 24 hours in bed sleeping off and on (mostly on!). 

Despite the fact that I couldn't think about Thanksgiving Day until I heard the news of Christopher's successful surgery, I am more than ready for it!  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  My parents somehow always managed to pull it together for holidays, we had a fighting-free day usually.  We always spent Thanksgiving with my Aunt & Uncle, cousins who lived just a block away from us, and this aunt was always my favorite.  Probably because she was always laughing, could always find humor in things that just pissed off my mom.  My mom and my Aunt Opal were always very proud of their turkeys too ~ we have a photo of them with Tom every year I think! 

Mom & Aunt Opal with Tom

I wish each and every one of you 
a very happy, very blessed Thanksgiving Day. 
May your day be full of family, friends, 
and of course lots of yummy food!  

Sorry for this rambling post, I think my brain is still scrambled from all of the worrying!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Surgery Went Well!!!!

Deep sigh of relief, prayers of thanks have been going on for an hour now since I got the news that Christopher was out of surgery and in ICU.  He will be there for about 24 hours, in the hospital for about 5 days. 

I want to thank all of you ~ for all your kind words, all of your thoughts and prayers for us.  I truly don't know what I would do without all you "cyber" friends out there who get just how hard this is for me.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!

I went to the doctor today, have been feeling a little off for a couple of days, figured it was all the stress and worry about Christopher and ignored it mostly.  I haven't been sick with so much as a cold for over 4 years now.  Couldn't sleep the last two nights because I couldn't breathe (and I was worrying about Christopher), this morning the glands on both sides of my neck were painfully swollen, and I had a fever.  I have strep as well as a possible sinus infection...  yay.  My doctor (who has become a great friend) said that she isn't surprised at all that I would get sick now. 

So I'm off to bed, to try to get a nap in.  I need to get myself better so I can enjoy eating too much on Thanksgiving and drinking too much on Fuschia Friday!  (One of my best-est friends lives near Chicago, she is home for Thanksgiving, and we are having a Girl Party to celebrate all of us being together again.  Black Friday is too depressing of a name, so we gave it a festive name instead!) 

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving! 


Monday, November 21, 2011

Surgery Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christopher's surgery.  I don't know what time, I am assuming it will be somewhat early in the morning. 

Still not 100% sure I'm going to get updates, hopefully I will at least get a text when the surgery is over.  

If you are one who prays, please pray for Christopher, the Doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic tomorrow.

When I get an update, I will update all of you.  Thank you so much for all the care and concern you have shown me.  I truly appreciate it!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Christopher is undergoing some pretty serious surgery next week.  As the day gets closer the more worried I find myself.

The more worried I find myself, the more the adoption loss hurts.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, to remember that this surgery is highly successful.  Christopher's life span will return to the normal rate again after surgery, without surgery his life span is greatly decreased.  No matter the statistics, just knowing that my son will be put on a heart-lung machine during surgery to remove part of his heart muscle is pretty scary stuff!

In my attempt to write every day in this Month of Adoption,  too much adoption crap is brought to the surface.  I thought it would be a help, concentrating on speaking out to the truths of adoption loss, about family preservation instead of Christopher's upcoming surgery.  Instead all it's doing is making me crazy. 

Last night I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't put together the energy to write anything.  So I didn't.  Why make things harder than they already are? 

So I am taking a break.  I will be back, you aren't getting rid of me forever.  My heart and brain just need a break until after Christopher's successful surgery and recovery. 

I would love and appreciate any prayers and positive/healing energy you want to send Christopher's way at the Mayo Clinic in MN next week.   I will let you all know how things are going.

here's some info about Christopher's disease:
Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM)
here's some info about the surgery he will be having:
Septal Myectomy

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A Knife To The Heart

I had a wonderful day today.  Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here!  The hubby's family are a deer hunting family.  The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch.  The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too. 

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away.  The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again. 

I love the family I married into.  We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together.  As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends.  Then it hit me.  Actually, it was more like being stabbed.  If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there. 

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids.  It's never complete. 

That's what adoption does to a family.  Tears it apart. 

Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family.  Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart.  For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.


Friday, November 11, 2011

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song.  But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it.  It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog.  Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Especially these lyrics:
...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...
Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

 Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day. 
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.


Ok - I will admit it...  Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two!  When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"  
yeah...  I do!!  

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for!  Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet. 

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that.  If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here

Photo by TempestPhotography
Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years.  You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings.  You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!  

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again.  And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again? 

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption.  The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note.  This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this.  I have been worrying for nothing again.  I know that he does care for me and loves me.  I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery.  As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post.  I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right!  And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.".  I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years.  It's going to take time to grow our relationship.  I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time.  Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time.  I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy.  Twice! 

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about. 

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today. 

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery. 

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life.  It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!! 


Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about?  There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of.  I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out?  Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly?  Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn?  I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head.  A journal of sorts to help me find myself again.  To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.  

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost. 

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself.  I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision.  I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents".  I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options.    I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls".  Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog.  I speak out of my son and his adoption now.  I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9.  I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was.  People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now.  I will never go back into that damn closet again!  It is too suffocating.  The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry.  I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial.  Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.  

"Lost" by Shellie
But I still feel lost.  I'm still a mother without her child.  Yes, I know where he is.  I know he's alive and happy.  (I wish I could say he's healthy.  If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.)  I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes.  I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy.  But.  I'm still lost.  I don't know how my son feels about me.  I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life.  Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way?  I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids.  I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend.  I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery.  I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption. 

Will I ever truly and completely find myself?  I really don't think that's possible.  I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption.  Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever.  And ever.  And ever...


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ Day 8

A Few Of The Things That Drive Me Crazy

The word "birthmother".  For many reasons, most of all when
  • used by pap's or ap's as a possessive term.  Ex: "Our birthmom".  Excuse me ~ the mother gave birth to your child, not to you.  She cannot be your birthmom!
  • When shortened to bm.  A mother is not poo.  A bm is a bowel movement folks!

When the adoptee is described as being a "gift".  
  • I did not and would not give my son as a gift to strangers I had never met.  Rather I was giving him the gift of two parents.  (Yes, I know now...  but at the time that's what I believed was right.)
  • Especially when used as "a gift from God".  This is true, a gift to the mother and father the infant was created by.  God doesn't make mistakes and put an infant in "the wrong tummy"!

Adoptive parents who
  • do not understand that love multiplies ~ it doesn't have to be divided.
  • do not listen and learn from adoptees who have lived the life and have much to teach.

Mothers considering adoption being treated as saints,
  • until the papers are signed, then they become dangerous strangers who must be watched and censored around their own children.
  • until they decide to parent their child, they are suddenly misfits unworthy of raising a child.

Prospective adoptive parents who
  • claim that God has a hand in their adoption desires.
  • stalk expectant teen mothers on forums for moms.

I'm having trouble finding things to write about, and it's only the 8th day. I have a lot I'd like to say, but am having a hard time getting it out without being too angry or too pathetically sad right now.  

So dear readers - any ideas?  Do you have any questions you would like to ask me?  Any lurkers out there who would like to write a guest post to either introduce yourself or a blog post with your thoughts about adoption awareness?  Send me a message at findingchristopher at gmail dot com. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ Learning to Let Go and Let Love

There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.

It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child.  Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ?  Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way?  Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews?  Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion? 

A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue.  (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.)  For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life.  I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.

This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on.  This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path.  So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart.  I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon.  One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.

Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher
 Let Go & Let Love is the title of this post, and the beautiful painting that has me feeling in a better place.

I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me.  I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us.  I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.

As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:

She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.

So that's what I'm going to try to do.  To Let Go and Let Love.  


P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness.  I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week.  I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong.  I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day.  Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I'm cheating again tonight!  I spent the first part of the day with my hubby, which doesn't happen near enough.  I spent the rest of the day with my 4 year old granddaughter, spoiling her while her mom and dad are out of town.  I thought I would get her to sleep and be able to write, but she is nowhere near ready to go to sleep!  So here are some quotes I found about the importance of the mother/child bond while researching for another post. 

I'm off to go watch a movie and hopefully put an overly tired four year old to sleep!

To interfere with or destroy this intimacy is to risk interrupting a vital psychological process that may reduce the woman's confidence in herself as a mother and interfere with the flow of communication between her and her baby. - Marshall Klaus

While what the newborn craves is touch, physical skin stimulus and the familiar sound of mother's heartbeat, she is placed in a lifeless basket, with a baby blanket, perhaps a teddybear or soft doll. She is learning that encounters with people cause severe stress. For the newborn, separation from mother equals abandonment:
It is impossible to overstate the monstrousness of this final violation of a new life... this isolation neatly cancels every possible chance for bonding, for relaxation of the birth stress, for the activation of the sensory system for its extra-uterine function, and for the completion of the reticular formation for full mental-physical coordinates and learning... the organism never fully recovers. All future learning is affected. The infant body goes into shock. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

Marshal Klaus, MD, and John Kennell, MD, wrote the book Maternal-Infant Bonding, in 1976, describing the connection between a mother and her child, which originate at birth (or even before) and which is characterized as an intense physical, emotional, spiritual, bond that exists between the two. They describe this bond as a sensitive dance that occurs between them, where each relies on the cues of the other and interacts in an intense intertwined fashion.

The mother-infant bond is extremely important to the present and future emotional health of a child. There are clear indications that an infant is ready to respond to his mother from the moment of birth. Evidence shows that an infant hears and recognizes his mother's voice prenatally.  This innate preference in addition to several reflexive behaviors are important to the concept of bonding.  (Brazelton & Cramer, 1990). 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ Adoption Trauma to the Child

I'm cheating today ~ I just don't have it in me to write another post about adoption today.

Here's an article I found ~ written by Florence Clothier, M.D., in 1943.  This is an excerpt from "The Psychology of the Adopted Child", The National Committee for Mental Health, Journal on Mental Hygiene., New York.

Did you pay attention to the year?  1943!!

Trauma to Child
 The child who does not grow up with his own biological parents, or does not even know them or anyone of his own blood, is an individual who has lost the thread of family continuity. A deep identification with our forebears, as experienced originally in the mother-child relationship, gives us our most fundamental security. The child’s repeated discoveries that the mother from whom he has been biologically separated will continue to warm him, nourish him, and protect him pours into the very structure of his personality a stability and a reassurance that he is safe, even in this new alien world.

Every adopted child, at some time in his development, has been deprived of this primitive relationship with his mother. This trauma and the severing of the individual from his racial antecedents lie at the core of what is peculiar to the psychology of the adopted child. The adopted child presents all the complications in social and emotional developments seen in the own child. But the ego of the adopted child, in addition to all the normal demands made upon it, is called upon to compensate for wound left by the loss of the biological mother. Later on this appears as an unknown void, separating the adopted child from his fellows whose blood ties bind them to the past as well as to the future.

It is pertinent never to lose sight of the fact that no matter how lost to him his natural parents may be, the adopted child carries stamped in every cell of his body genes derived from his forebears. The primitive stuff of which he is made and which he will pass on to future generations was determined finally at the time of his conception. . . The implications of this for the psychology of the adopted child are of the utmost significance.

The child who is placed with adoptive parents at or soon after birth misses the mutual and deeply satisfying mother-child relationship, the roots of which lie in that deep area of the personality where the physiological and psychological are merged. Both for the child and for the natural mother, that period is part of a biological sequence, and it is to be doubted whether the relationship to it’s post-partum mother, in it’s subtler effects, can be replaced by even the best of substitute mothers.

But those subtle effects lie so deeply buried in the personality that, in light of our present knowledge, we cannot evaluate them. We do know more about the trauma that an older baby suffers when he is separated from his mother, with whom his relationship is no longer merely parasitic, but toward whom he has developed active social strivings. For some children, and in some stages of development, this severing of the budding social relationship can cause irreparable harm. The child’s willingness to sacrifice instinctive gratifications and infantile pleasures for the sake of love relationships has proved a bitter disillusionment, and he may be loath to give himself into a love relationship again.’

Friday, November 4, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

I'm sure all you readers out there know that Adoption Awareness Month/National Adoption Month is supposed to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.

From the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services ~ the real meaning behind this month:

About National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside each year to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year's National Adoption Month initiative targets adoption professionals by focusing on ways to recruit and retain parents for the 107,000 children and youth in foster care waiting for adoptive families. The National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,796 KB) notes strategies adoption professionals can implement any day, week, or month to benefit children waiting for families. The Spanish National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,494 KB) also provides suggestions for working with Spanish-speaking families throughout the year.
The 2011 theme for National Adoption Month is Build Capacity to Make Lasting Change. The National Adoption Month initiative supports the national adoption recruitment campaignexternal link and public service announcementsexternal link produced in partnership with the Ad Council, AdoptUSKids, and the Children's Bureau. This year's campaign is targeted toward the recruitment of families for preteens (8-12 year olds).
The first major effort to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care occurred in Massachusetts in 1976, when Governor Michael Dukakis announced an Adoption Week. The idea grew in popularity and spread nationwide. In 1984, President Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week, and in 1995, under President Clinton, the week was expanded to the entire month of November.
Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families. 

Link to their site to learn more

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

Before adoption can happen, relinquishment must take place.

I will never celebrate a mother losing a child, nor will I ever celebrate a child losing their mother.  No matter the reason ~ I think that is the most basic, primal loss that exists. 

The fact that a mother for any reason feels that she needs to relinquish her child is something that should be mourned, not prayed for or celebrated about.  

In my opinion, adoption should only be considered as a last choice, not a first choice.  Adoption should only be a first choice in the case of a mother completely and truly having NO desire to parent a child or if abuse is a factor. 

Family should always be honored and cherished, not torn apart.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ Coming From A Song

When I made the decision for adoption back in 1979, I had NO idea how deeply that would effect every aspect of my life, my entire life.  Adoption loss will be with me till my last breath, no matter how close Christopher and I may grow in the future.

I have talked before about how songs sometimes "talk" to me.

One phrase from a song has playing in my head for days now.  I didn't think anything of it, since it's part of a song I have long loved.  This morning as the words

I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

began playing in my head again, I realized that I needed to pay attention to them, not just dismiss them.

I have built my life around Christopher.  From the moment he was born.  I didn't realize it for decades while I was in such denial, but after reunion I saw that I had lived my life around the loss of my firstborn.

Since reunion, I have continued to build my life around him ~ maybe even more than before.  The wanting, hoping, waiting, never-ending thoughts of Christopher.

I know that something needs to change for my own sanity.  But how?  What? ?  How do I quit yearning for my son to be a part of my life?  How does a mother quit worrying about how her child is doing?  I look at photos of his beautiful wife and children and wonder if they will ever know me.   How does someone stop wishing that their grandchildren could be a part of their life?  How do I quit wondering if my grandchildren will ever even know that I am their grandmother??

Is is possible to change my thoughts?
Is it possible, but I'm just afraid of doing it?

I don't think it's possible to change my life.  Unless I go back into that Land Of Denial... Although, wait... That didn't really work the first time around either.  I just wasn't aware that so much of what I was/wasn't doing in my life was directly effected by the loss of my son.  So no, denial isn't an option. 


So I still haven't figured out what, if anything, my subconscious is trying to tell me by having that phrase from this song on repeat lately.  Maybe it's another line from the song, there are a few to choose from...

Can the child within my heart rise above?
 Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I took my love and I took it down.
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Mmm I don't know
Mmm Mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
children get older,
and I'm getting older too.

I've been afraid of changing because I, I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Children get older
I'm getting older too.
I'm getting older too...
Take this love and take it down
Oh, if you climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hill,
Well, the landslide will bring it down, down.
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,
Well Maybe...
The landslide will bring you down,
Well, well, the landslide will bring it down.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Adoption Awareness Month ~ What I Wasn't Aware Of

When I (thought I) was making the choice for adoption, there was a lot about adoption that I wasn't aware of.

I wasn't aware that losing my son to adoption would effect every single aspect of my life.

I wasn't aware that it wasn't really possible to "just get on with my life" like the adoption agency said I would.

I wasn't aware that the adoption industry KNEW that it wasn't possible, but kept that to themselves in order to ensure their supply of newborns would continue.

I wasn't aware that I was indeed my son's mother, that I did have the right to see and hold my baby after he was born.

I wasn't aware that the reason I wasn't allowed to hold him was to take away the possibility that I might just realize the depth of my love for him, the depth of the mother/child bond, and choose to parent him after all.

I wasn't aware that the adoption agency wasn't really concerned about my well-being.  They were only concerned about their own well-being.  They needed my baby in order to profit the "adoption fees" from his adoptive parents.

I wasn't aware that the children I would go on to raise later in life would be effected by the loss of their brother to adoption too.

I wasn't aware that after losing my son to adoption I would close off a part of my heart in order to not feel the extent of the pain.  I not only closed it to feeling the pain and grief ~ I closed it to fully feeling and accepting love also.

I wasn't aware that adoption could only provide my son with a different life, not a better one.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often deal with life-long feelings of abandonment.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often equate being loved with being left behind when they are told that they were given up for adoption because their moms "loved them so much".

I wasn't aware that my problems were temporary, while adoption was forever.

I wasn't aware that forever was so very long.

I wasn't aware that even after being reunited with my son, my heart would still be left with a gaping hole from adoption loss.

I wasn't aware that when I was giving my son up for adoption, I was also giving up grandchildren, as well as a beautiful and kind daughter-in-law.

I wasn't aware that there was so very, very much that I should have been aware of...


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Adoption Awareness ~ From Those Who Know Best!

I believe that it is the adoptee who pays the greatest price in adoption.  It is their life stories we need to listen to as a society in order to truly learn and be fully aware of what adoption really is.  After all, who better to help us become aware of adoption than the people adoption is supposed to be all about?

Here are some great adoptee bloggers.  If I missed your blog and you want to be included, add it in the comments!


Amanda (who I forgot to credit with the awesome Adoption Awareness Month logo ~ sorry Amanda!)

Assembling Self











Liz and Mariama

Lost Daughters


Ms. Marginalia



Snarkurchin (just discovered this blog today)

The Adopted Ones


National Adoption Awareness Month

I'm going to try to do this ~ as crazy as that is for me this month!

I tried last year and failed greatly, maybe this year I can do it.

Here are a few of the others that are going to take back National Adoption Awareness Month:

Amanda at Declassified Adoptee

Jennifer Lauck


I know there are several more, but now I can't remember who they are!

See you tomorow ~