Thursday, March 29, 2012

Is Your Unmarried Daughter Pregnant?

To the person who searched google for "what to do when you find out that your unmarried daughter is pregnant":

Support her.  Love her. 

My daughter became pregnant at 17.  Yes, I was crushed.  Yes, I was angry.  I had talked to her openly about using protection when she became sexually active.  I believed that she would come to me and tell me it was time.  Yes, I had to learn to have new dreams for her future.  The future was pretty much the same, just harder as she was going to be a mother while finishing school, going to college.  

One thing I was certain of?  That my daughter, who I loved more than life itself, would NEVER know the pain of losing a child to adoption.

My parents played a huge role in my "choice" to give my child up for adoption.  They didn't tell me that I had to, they also didn't tell me that I didn't have to.  My parents fought all the time.  My parents had never (that I could remember) told me they loved me.   I lived in an ugly, hateful home.  I refused to raise my child in that house of hate.  I wanted him to be raised in a loving home with a mother AND a father to love him.   After losing my son to adoption, I was never able to have a true loving relationship with either my mother or my father.  Yes, I love them because they are my parents.  But the loss of my son is there between us.  My mother passed away before I came to terms with my loss.  I have come to love my father, the death of my mother changed him.  He now tells me he loves me, I can tell him I love him.  But I can't reconcile the father of my childhood with the father of my adulthood.  Meaning that I keep the dad of now completely separate from the father of years past.  I don't know if that makes any sense...  I can love the father he has become, I can't love the father he was....

Here is a heartbreaking letter from another mother of adoption loss.  Her mother DID tell her that she had to give her child up for adoption.  If you want to see what may become of your relationship with your daughter if you push her towards adoption, go read this post.  It's heart wrenching.  It's honest.  It tells so well the pain caused from losing a child to adoption. 

To My Mother

Now go read another post by Danielle.  This should speak to you as the grandmother to the child your daughter is carrying. 


1 comment:

  1. I so get this. Even though I forgave my mother in my heart before she died (thank goodness or I would feel haunted to this day). My father is a different person now, and I am sure he was influenced by my mom way back the. But I am still wary. That he didn't have the guts to stand up to her when it was important. Working through that in terms of our relationship.