|Artwork from Ordinary Courage|
I know I've been quiet lately. I have been focusing on the good in my life, making brighter my "light from within".
I am so thankful for everyone and everything that has helped me find that light after being lost in the dark of adoption loss for so very, very long.
The one who has made the biggest difference in my life at this stage is Christopher's mom. I cannot put into words how much brighter my world became by meeting and being fully accepted by her.
Lately in adopto-land there has been much written about adoptive parents keeping the natural mothers and families away from their children (infants to adults). If they could only know, if only some would care, what a difference they could make in the loss and grief felt by those who lose loved-ones in adoption.
A mother of adoption loss has no idea what life is actually going to be like without her child. It should be expected that the moms are going to have a hard time, that she's going to be grieving. That grief should not scare away the adoptive parents.
I would hope that it would have them instead showing some compassion.
I would hope that it would have the adoptive parents wanting to help ease the moms heart and mind. Instead, I see so many cases where the adoptive family turns their back on the mother turning the blame back onto that mother. They tell themselves and others that the mother wasn't "going on with her life" or some such crap. They excuse away the true reasons they are uncomfortable in the face of the grief.
By turning away from the mother (and father, siblings, extended family), they are only adding to the grief and loss. Nothing will take away the grief, but many things will certainly add to it! A letter, a note, some photos and/or videos, promised visits can go so far in helping a mother cope with the grief and loss of a child to adoption. Keeping communication open will help her find acceptance and help her see that her child has loving parents who only want the best for the child.
One of my on-line friends has been shut out of her child's life. The adoptive parents have pulled far away from the open adoption that was promised. Leaving a mother, father, and sibling heart-broken. Yes, the adoptive familiy would have to face the grief of this left-behind family ~ but in facing the grief they could relieve a lot of it too. I just can't imagine being the kind of person who couldn't open my heart to help another out of their grief. A small act by the adoptive family could have an enormous effect on the family left behind. How can they deny that? I will never understand.
Not only is an adoptive family hurting the natural family left behind, they are hurting the very child they claim to love.
The denial of adoptive parents does not take away the importance of or the need of those adopted to know their first chapter. It only builds upon the loss and makes it even greater.
If you have adopted or are planning on adopting and
won't understand and honor the place of the
natural family in your child's life ~ then please don't adopt.
It's pretty simple really. I don't understand what is so hard about it. A child doesn't just appear out of nowhere. A child is born to a mother, created by that mother and a father. The story behind the conception and/or birth doesn't matter ~ the story doesn't change the simple fact that a child is born to two people and their families (past, present, and future).
A child being given up for adoption and adopted by another family doesn't take away their first, biological, natural family ~ it only adds more family.
If you have or are planning on adopting and you can't accept the fact that your child has another family, then you aren't offering your child unconditional love. You are putting conditions on their very existence.
As adoptive parents, you have the ability to make the choice for adoption either bearable or something that breaks a person.
I am so very happy and thankful that Christopher got a mother and father who adopted out of love. They never denied their daughter and son their beginnings. They never denied my relationship with our son. I was accepted into open arms and with a loving heart. By openly accepting me as a part of their son's life, they have showed me love. Love that allowed the light within me to grow stronger.
The light of their love and acceptance of me shines brightly
through the darkness of the loss of my son to adoption.
I wish all mothers of adoption loss could know that love and acceptance.
I wish that all adoptive parents would act out of love and not fear.
For their own sake, for the natural families and for their adopted loved ones.