Finding Christopher, Finding Myself

A Special Place In Hell For These Adopters

2012-02-27T15:05:00.000-06:00

I am so very, very saddened today. Broken hearted. Pissed. Disgusted. There aren't even words to describe the range of feelings I have felt since hearing the news this morning. Mostly I am absolutely saddened for a mother who was turned away from the funeral of her young daughter today.

I don't know all the details exactly, but here is a quick summary.

About 9 years ago a beautiful baby girl was given up for adoption. Her mother chose an open adoption so that she would always be able to know how her daughter was doing, so that her daughter could always know her beginnings. I'm not sure, but I think the adoption closed almost immediately. She did receive a few updates and photos. The brokenhearted mother was finally contacted years later with the horrible news that her daughter was sick, was she a match for a bone marrow transplant? Amazingly, this mom was pregnant at the time, close to her due date. This mother paid for the storage of the cord blood, paid for the legal paperwork herself to try to save her oldest daughter. When this mother tried to get an update on her health after the transplant, she was basically told it was none of her business. The adoptor started stalking the natural mother on facebook and a forum for mothers where the mother had found support from other natural moms to help her through this traumatic time. The adopters didn't like that the mother was telling people how she was being treated, so they sued claiming slander. After reviewing everything, the judge ordered visitation rights for the natural mother, threw out the slander suit. This mother finally had a chance to see her daughter for two hours after almost a decade of being denied what had been promised by the adopters. Another visit was set up for a week later so that her oldest daughter could meet the sister who saved her life. Two days before this visit, big sister was hit by a car and killed on her way to school.

As tragic as that sudden death was, just days after she and her natural mother had finally been allowed to see each other, this story gets worse.

The adopters told this natural mother that she was not welcome at the funeral. The natural mother could not be kept away. When she arrived at the funeral this morning ~ with her baby girl, the "angel" that her older daughter was so excited to meet ~ she was escorted out of the funeral.

I hope to God that there is a special place in hell for these people who broke a sacred promise to their child and her natural mother. There has to be a special place in hell for someone who would turn a mother away from her own child's funeral. What was she possibly going to do? Take some of the attention away from the adopters? Maybe cry and show more grief than the adopters? Really ~ I would love to know what they thought would happen with this young mother and sister of their supposedly beloved adopted daughter attending the funeral.

I didn't think that I would ever use the word adopter as I have here. But the people who adopted this little girl, breaking the promise of open adoption, denying the mother answers of her health status, suing the mother, then denying the attendance at the funeral of this innocent little girl... they do not deserve the title of mother or father, adoptive mother or adoptive father. They are evil, mean hearted people who will surely rot in a special hell all their own.

Missing Him

2012-02-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

So Blue Missing You

I miss Christopher....

I want so badly to see him again. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear his laughter. I want to simply just watch him be.

No. That's not entirely the truth...

It's more than a want. My heart and my soul needs to see him, to hear him, to just be with him...

I dream of spending time with him. Of talking to him simply as mother and son. Not as two people dancing around the years lost, around unknown boundaries, dancing around the fear of words said and unsaid.

I don't know what has triggered this. These last few days I have been overwhelmed with it. I miss my son with all of my being...

Maybe it is brought on by the passing of time. Or by his continued silence. Although when he does write he seems to write "deeper" than he used to... I haven't seen him since last April. Almost a year ago. Which is more than many of you have had with your loved ones lost to adoption, I know.

But.

I still miss him...

Me - With No Apologies!

2012-02-14T16:35:00.000-06:00

I Am Me

As the title of this blog says, reunion with my son wasn't only about finding and getting to know my son lost to adoption, it is also about finding myself.

When I was a pregnant teenager in 1979, I took on the shame that society was only more than willing to dole out. I no longer took into consideration all the good things I had done/did in my life ~ it was the "bad" I had done that I used to define my life. I took on the secrecy of shame. I thought that if anyone knew the "real" me ~ the me that *gasp* had sex at 15, became pregnant, then gave my baby away ~ they wouldn't like me. Or worse yet, that they would hate me or think me to be a mean, uncaring person.

I was already a "people pleaser", I already was one to avoid confrontation due to the crazy family life I was growing up in. The shame of being an unwed mother who gave a child up for adoption just deepened this in me. I set out to only show people the "nice" side of me. To prove that after all, I REALLY WAS a good girl!

The only time I felt that I could truly be myself was when I was with my life-long friend that I grew up with, as well as with a few girls we became friends with after I returned to high school after Christopher was born. They all knew, understood, and loved me ~ the REAL me ~ even though... no matter what. Until recently, it was only when I was with this wonderful group of friends that I could really be myself, that I could let down all my walls and just be.

My friends & I ~ The Fab Five

With getting to know my son, getting to know myself, I now know that one bad decision didn't define my life. Not saying "no" that one fateful night isn't my entire being. Choosing adoption for my firstborn son doesn't define my love, my parenting ability, anything about me.

Changing who I was, who I let people think that I was, sadly wasn't limited to my teenage years. I continued that into adulthood. When my children were little I was the PTA volunteer, treasurer, president. I was the go-to person for the school & teachers when they needed someone to do anything extra. I wasn't a failure as a mother because I gave up my firstborn child, I was a wonder-mom to my raised kids. At least that's the persona I took on when dealing with their schools. 12 years ago when my husband moved us to this tiny village where he grew up, I became The Church Lady. The church lady who was always ready and willing to help with the funeral dinners, to teach CCD, any and everything that needed a volunteer. I wasn't the stupid 15 year old who didn't know how to say no, who gave her child up for adoption. I was a GOOD person damn it!! I would have been mortified if any of my small-town friends, fellow church goers, my hubbies family who has lived here for generations, would have seen me being myself with my girlfriends. Oh the horrors if they had seen me being the loudest laughing one in the group. If they had seen me enjoying some Cap'n and talking way too much and way too loudly. If they heard us talking nasty or sometimes cussing like sailors ...

I no longer compartmentalize all the parts of my personality. From the beginning of this journey of finding myself, I have tried to live an authentic life. I'm still working on that, but Brene Brown and her wonderful website Ordinary Courage has helped me begin. I stumbled onto an old post of hers the other day, and as I read these words:

Part of midlife is scooping up all the different versions of yourself that you’ve created to please folks, and integrating them into one whole, authentic person. This is tough work for me. I’m so good at assessing exactly who I need to be and when I need to be it. It’s really too bad that "alternating" eventually sucks your soul right out of your body.

In addition to curbing the chameleon action, the other part of integrating has been the very painful process of reconnecting with the parts of myself that I orphaned over the years. You know – the parts of ourselves that we abandon because they get in the way of who and what we need to be now.

..they made me realize how much I used to do that. I also realized just how much my life has changed these last three years. Three years ago I was the champion chameleon! Now?

I am a million different things.
At a million different times.
I am ME.
I am me with no apologies!

I'm far from being done on my journey. I've put so much into place, but I have so much more to figure out... But that's another story for another day!

For Those Separated By Adoption

2012-01-22T20:59:00.000-06:00

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions. Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions. Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption. After all, I was the one who gave him away! Who was I to butt into his life? If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him. Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him?

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son. My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told.

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in. Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption. Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son. Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher. The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life. 2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered.

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing. Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life.

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason. The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none. I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher. I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet.

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life. {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.) Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus.

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life. It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning. But it was SO worth it. The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free.

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial. There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor. There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son.

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy? Absolutely not.

Is it worth it? Absolutely!!!

Three Years Ago ~ A Search Angel Changed My Life

2012-01-16T21:50:00.005-06:00

Three years ago today I found the first emails from a Search Angel and from Christopher. Three years ago my life changed. Completely. I had no idea of the roller-coaster ride I had just gotten on, all I knew that day was extreme happiness and relief. There aren't even words for what that I felt in that moment ~ I imagine that only those who have also been in that moment can really know.

I will never forget speaking with that wonderful Search Angel Kim. I have to laugh again remembering the confusion when I first heard her lovely southern accent. I thought I was speaking with Christopher's mom, so when I heard the accent I wondered why in the world they sent my son so far south! After telling me that she wasn't his mom, she was a search angel, Kim told me that Christopher was healthy and happy. I asked if he got good parents and she told me that he had wonderful parents. That news brought on the happiest tears I have ever cried! I asked her how she knew the two questions I most needed answers to and she told me she was a search angel who had been reunited with her own daughter lost to adoption so she knew all too well what my long awaited questions were.

At that time, I had no idea what a search angel was.

In that moment I knew that angels truly do walk amongst us!

If you are searching for a loved one lost to adoption, don't pay for someone (especially the adoption agency) to search for you. There are many, many search angels out there helping us.

If you are searching, the first thing you need to do is sign up on some on-line registries. There are many free ones, start with them.

The first one you should sign up with is ISSR, a mutual consent reunion registry.

The registry at adoption.com is the one I had signed up on, that Kim found when looking for me. You can search through the registries there as well as sign up in case someone is looking for you.

Claud has a wonderful page with a lot of info about search and reunion.

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email at findingchristopher at gmail dot com. I'm no search angel, but I would be more than happy to help you find your loved ones lost to adoption!

A Roar - Are You Listening??

2012-01-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

Is the world beginning to listen yet?

Do you know of the brokenness known as adoption?

Many of us are speaking, but is anyone listening... Really Listening?

Listening to

The ones most effected by relinquishment ~ the ones relinquished?

Or to

The ones who believed that life would go on as before?

I feel as though the ones who don't want to hear have us outnumbered.

By far.

There are days I feel defeated by those who want to keep us silenced.

Like today.

Until I read this poem.

And then I was reminded.

I am not in this alone.

I will continue to speak out and bare my scars.

I will grow stronger.

With the others in their brokenness, we will all grow stronger.

And the world will listen... one day...

Thank you to all of you out there in adopto-land who help me through this life of adoption loss. Just by being "out there", speaking out your truths, you make me stronger by reminding me that I'm not all alone in this. You bring a bit of sanity to my life when nothing about this adoption loss is sane... Susie

2012 ~ Bring It On!!

2012-01-03T11:03:00.000-06:00

Last year I wrote about the life-changing events that happened for me in 2009 and 2010, while wondering what 2011 had in store for me.

I would NEVER have dreamed that less than three months after writing that post I would have the tremendous blessing of seeing all my children together! Not only was I surprised with Christopher's first visit where he was able to meet all of his siblings, his nieces and nephews ~ he came for another visit just a month later. The photos from that first visit are my most precious treasures. As are the memory of looking at him sitting at the table in the exact same position as one of my raised sons, the memory of seeing him laughing with and interacting with his sister and brothers ~ all so similar, all so comfortable together. March 24th, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart and soul!

March ended with a gift from my daughter. A letter written to initially thank the search angel who brought Christopher back into our family, which turned into a sibling reunion story, then sent as a letter to both Christopher and I. I am so very blessed to have such loving children!

2011 became a pretty quiet year as far as communication with Christopher goes, but it did continue thankfully. His silence may have been a good thing for me though? It forced me to look inward to find acceptance in adoptions role in my life. November really was tough ~ the deep fear of Christopher's upcoming heart surgery was overwhelming for me. Just as his silence had a silver lining, so did that fear. After Christopher's successful surgery, when the fear of losing him subsided, it was as though a veil of peace and acceptance was draped over me. For the first time since finding the emails from a search angel and Christopher, on that cold January evening in 2009, my mind was not filled with adoption loss and grief every moment of every day.

2011 ended with two more wonderful gifts. The gift of being "Grandma Susie" to his children ~ making this grandma's heart overflow and the gift of Christopher's mom reaching out to me for the first time.

Here's to 2012!

Will this year continue to bring me blessings I only dream of?

Will I get to know his mom?

Will I have the blessing of meeting Christopher's children?

His beautiful wife who has played a big part in our reunion?

Will I have yet another chance to see all of my kids,

maybe even grandkids together??

I can only hope...

Gratitude & The Next Phase of My Adoption Journey

2011-12-27T21:57:00.000-06:00

I am so thankful for all the wonderful people out there in blog-land, for my followers. I was in a weird place when I last wrote, I felt as though I was in a limbo, worried that I was going back into denial. I owe a huge Thank You to all of you who responded to that post. Sometimes when we are buried in something, we need an outside view of it so we can see it clearly.

I think I can honestly say that I have indeed come to a place of acceptance and peace in regards to Christopher, my place in his life. I really didn't think that was possible! I know that it would not have been possible if not for the support from many of you, from many moms and adoptees that I have met on an on-line forum.

It seems like it took so very long to get to this place. I would have never dreamed that it would take almost three years for my world to quit spinning after being reunited with Christopher. I was beginning to think that I would never get back to a "normal" life that didn't include my brain being on the adoption channel 24/7.

I have been full of gratitude since writing last. So grateful as I said for the replies I received, for those I have met online who share their struggles in order to help others and bring awareness to the effects of adoption in their lives.

I am so grateful for all the blessings in my life. Even though suffering the greatest loss a mother could experience, I have been blessed in it too. I had no other choice than adoption back in 1979. I thank God every day that Christopher did indeed go to great parents. He has wonderful extended families who have fully embraced him, he has never felt as though he didn't belong. His parents have supported him in our reunion, he has not been made to feel as though he has to choose between families. I could not have asked for more for him in his adoption.

I truly believe that things happen in the time they are meant to. I think that this phase of my "accepting" came at the perfect time for the next phase of this adoption journey.

Yesterday I started the day checking my email, finding a great surprise. I had a message and a Facebook friend request from Christopher's mom! It was a lovely message, one that touched my heart. After a bit of a panic about letting her into my FB world, and seeking some advice from a few friends, I realized what a gift this was. A chance to get to know each other ~ finally. I told her in a message accepting her friendship that I wanted her to know the "real me", not the FB me, and I gave her my email address as well as my cell phone number. She replied that she would also love to meet me and get to know me in person. Last night I decided to text Christopher to let him know, in case he didn't already, that his moms were now fb friends. After a few hilarious texts back and forth my heart could not have been lighter!

So, here's to the next part of this journey. I look forward to getting to know the woman who loves my son as much as I, the loving and kind mom I prayed for my son to have.

My Christmas was full of Christmas blessings

and even what I once considered would take a miracle to happen!

I hope that all of you also had a Very Merry Christmas.

To those of you who only dream of finding, or knowing,

your child, mother, father, family lost to adoption ~

I pray that you will one day soon know the wonder of a successful reunion.

Just as I wish that no other woman would have to know

the sorrow of losing a child to adoption,

I wish that everyone who has lost loved ones to adoption

could know the absolute joy and peace of having

your lost one(s) in your life again!

Wishing you much peace and love in the rest of this holiday season!

Things You Wouldn't Know About Me

2011-12-19T16:59:00.000-06:00

If you only know me through my blog, you could probably think that I am living a sad, depressing life. There is so much more to me than adoption though! I am blessed beyond belief ~ despite the loss of my son to adoption.

Things you wouldn't know about me from my blog...

I laugh a lot. Loudly. Yeah, I even snort if I get to laughing too much.

I cuss. Sometimes a lot. There are times the F word is just necessary! Especially if I've had a few, I start to sound like a sailor...

I'm nice. Really, I am!

I'm a twin. My brother is about a foot taller than me. His hair is very curly, mine is stick straight. He is uber religious, I'm not. He was the studious twin, I was the social one. We really don't have anything in common. I used to say that the hospital sent home the wrong baby, meaning he was the wrong one. I now say that I was the wrong one. I am nothing like either one of my siblings. I hope.

I'm not religious ~ I'm spiritual, raised Lutheran and married a Catholic.

I cheated to become Catholic. (Thanks to Uncle John (Father John) ~ my hubby's officially, although I grew to love him as my own.) He knew that I was only attending Catholic church because there was never going to be a chance of my hubby going to a Lutheran church. Catholics can be so snotty like that!

I don't live in a town. I live in a village. Population around 200. Hubby grew up here, drug me here 12 years ago. Think "Greenacres" except with a new house, not a falling apart farm house. He's the country boy, I'm the city girl. Half the town is related to the hub. Half of the rest of the town is related to one of the relatives. Yeah.....

I am a member of a gang. Uh huh. We call ourselves The Big Girls. Not because of our size (although sadly I am), but because we are grown ups. Our daughters grew up and started joining in on our parties, they wanted to be a part of The Girls too, so they became The Little Girls and we became The Big Girls. But just because we are the grown ups doesn't mean we act like it! We have been friends since grade school and high school. We have been told that we are overly-friendly women who are too trustworthy and open with strangers. We make friends everywhere we go!

I love to play in the dirt. In the summer you will find me outside whenever possible, probably with bare feet. I have a garden that usually has just cucumbers and the makings for salsa, sometimes I get beans and peas planted in it too. I plant flowers in all kinds of containers that aren't meant to have flowers planted in them. Old wash tubs, old watering cans, wringer washing machine, wagons, etc.

I love to quilt. I however have a problem with too many unfinished and un-started projects. I'm also just a topper, not a quilter. I make the quilt tops, have a friend who does a fabulous job of quilting them for me. I have only kept one bed quilt and a few wall quilts for myself, the rest have all been gifts. My four year old granddaughter finally got hers this Christmas, poor thing ~ all the others got one when they were babies! I also finally finished one for my daughter for Christmas, now the boys are whining for one so those will probably be my next projects, leaving my unfinished and un-started ones to go even longer.

I love me a margarita, lately a cranberry one is my fav. Or a glass/bottle of wine. Or an ice cold beer with some (more than three please!) green olives in it. The Big Girls' signature shot is a Lemon Drop. We REALLY enjoy those!

I love art ~ bright, cheerful colors. Art of all kinds ~ painting, drawing, textile, pottery, sculpting, whatever. I can't draw a stick person to save my life, but I love to look at the work of those who can.

I can get lost on Etsy for hours!

There is a lot more, but you are probably bored to death by now. I didn't realize how much I had typed already. This glass of rhubarb wine has helped me find things to talk about!!

I will leave you with some of my favorite non-adoption related blogs (in no certain order):

Red Pepper Quilts
Kind Over Matter
Your Joyologist
Artsyville
Mommy Wants Vodka
Bruce Seeds ~ not really a blog, but I am amazed by his quilts.
Oh Fransson!
Anthology Magazine
Modern Quilt Relish
Green Lemonade
The Painted Path
Hello Ross ~ LOVE Ross Matthews!!
Oriah ~ The Green Bough
Lori Portka
Jaybird Quilts

Limbo? Acceptance? Or Something Else?

2011-12-14T14:57:00.000-06:00

I feel as though I'm in a limbo of sorts lately.

Christopher is a part of my life now, yet he's not. I am a part of his life, but yet I'm not.

Maybe the feeling of being in limbo is because this "reunion" has become so one-sided.

I have felt a big shift in my emotions towards reunion since his surgery. Once the fear of losing Christopher in surgery was gone, I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. The love is still there, bigger than ever. But the fear, the worry? Gone.

It was more than just the fear of losing him during the surgery though. It's as though the fear of losing him in any way was gone. Is this finally acceptance that he will never fully be a part of my life? Is it finally enough to just know that he's alive, healthy, and happy? Did the fear of his death allow me to finally be at peace with him just "being out there somewhere"? Even if that meant that he wasn't going to fully be a part of my life? I no longer worry about sending him emails too often, or obsess over every word I write in worry that I will say something to drive him away. I am following my heart ~ if I read or hear something I want to share with him, I do it. When it's in my heart to let him know I'm thinking about him, hoping he's feeling better, I follow my heart now instead of worrying that it's wrong in some way.

These last few weeks have just been so strange to me. For the first time since Jan. 16, 2009, upon finding those first emails from the search angel and Christopher, he hasn't been on my mind 24/7. He is not always the first thing I think of when I wake up, nor always the last thing I think of before falling asleep.

This feeling of... limbo is very unsettling for some reason. There's a little voice in my head that fears it is not really acceptance ~ maybe I have instead buried my emotions regarding Christopher again. And don't even know it...

Maybe it's not following my heart so much as subconsciously I don't care anymore about pushing him away? Does a person even realize it when they are pushing someone away before they themselves can be pushed away?

*sigh*

This rambling is exactly why I haven't written many posts lately. None of this probably makes any sense. It doesn't even make sense to me! All of my thoughts are going in circles, winding around on themselves, making it even more confusing than when I first started writing all of this out in an attempt to figure out what in the world I am or am not feeling. If this blog post was an Excel spreadsheet, I would be getting a circular error warning!

An Open Letter ~ Shared from An Adult Adoptee

2011-12-08T20:43:00.001-06:00

Two blogs that I follow had great posts tonight, a letter written by a fellow adult adoptee friend of theirs. Christina made a new page on her blog to post this letter permanently, I am going to do the same.

This letter should be read by everyone involved in adoption in any way. I know many moms who have chosen adoption who would not have made that same choice if they knew the truth of adoptions effects on the adopted.

I wish that anyone considering adoption for their unborn child could read this, as well as anyone interested in adopting, or who have already adopted, or even just asked the question "Should We Adopt?".

The new page is at the top of my blog "An Open Letter".

Thank you for going to my new page to read the heart felt words of one who knows the most about adoption ~ one who is adopted, who has lived adoption their entire life!

Susie
Also, look on the right side of my blog, down a little ways. There are many blogs written by adult adoptees listed in my blog list. Anybody looking to learn about adoption should start with them!

Sharing Beautiful Words ~ Again!

2011-12-07T09:00:00.000-06:00

Last month during Adoption BeAwareness month, I discovered a new blogger who wrote several wonderful posts for the month. I wish that I had saved some of her posts because the November posts are now gone.

The post from a couple of days ago is fabulous. I wanted to comment on it, but comments are not enabled, nor is there an email to contact her. In fear of the post not being there for long, I am going to post it in entirety here instead of just linking to it. I hope the author doesn't mind, I would normally get permission but I was unable to find a way to contact her!

Both of these poems are beautiful, I hope you enjoy them also.

Susie

After all of this …
December 5, 2011 by t
Some will say,all these years later
that I failed at this thing, this
birthmotherhood.
If so, and after all, I am grateful.
For it was, from the beginning,
a koan,
the sound of one hand clapping,
the tree falling in the forest
with nobody to hear it.
And its success issued a call
I could never answer:
one that demanded
I kill off the mother
in me.
T.
To all mothers out there who, through choice or choicelessness, walked this path …
may you, in our time, heed another call — that of the Wild Geese.
Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver
published by Atlantic Monthly Press
© Mary Oliver

Thank you T ~ for your beautiful words and for sharing this work by Mary Oliver

God and Adoption

2011-12-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

I have always said that God had nothing to do with adoption as we now know it. I hate it when people say that God brought their adopted child to them. The God that I believe in would never want a mother and child to be separated. The God that I believe in meant for people to help the fatherless and widowed as a family, keeping the family intact ~ He did not mean for them to take the fatherless for themselves, forgetting the "widow".

When I read these words of a Minister, they at first had me breathless, then had me in tears. And that, as many of you know, does not happen often.

God never wanted you separated from your child.
God is helping you two find your way back to one another.

Go read this post, it is an excellent one! Frame By Frame ~ by The Silent Birthmother

Susie

Still Hiding from Adoption...

2011-12-05T16:04:00.001-06:00

I've been MIA for a while now...

I am still in somewhat of a... limbo? in my "adoption life". I can't get into writing what is in my head and heart, without getting too personal, telling more of Christopher's story than I want to.

No updates on Christopher's recuperation. I'm assuming no news is good news...

I have been busy at home and school making both places look like the North Pole. No, there is no such thing as too many Christmas decorations ~ don't listen to my hubby! I LOVE this time of year, all of it. I think I'm over-immersing myself into the season this year as a way of ignoring the reality of Christopher's continued silence. Thank goodness I have a wonderful distraction instead of just going into a major funk. For now anyways...

Hopefully I will get back to writing soon.

In the meantime, since I have started catching up on all the adopto-land blogs and fb pages again, here is some great linkage.

here are is a great blog,
Single Mothers To Be

a great blog post,
Thinking of Placing Your Baby For Adoption? Think Very Hard

(I'm adding both of the above to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page)

and an interesting article to read.
Fetal Cells Are Forever

I will leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs!

A Very Thankful Thanksgiving!!

2011-11-23T21:18:00.001-06:00

Being Thankful doesn't even begin to describe my feelings this Thanksgiving! The things I am most thankful for are the same as last year, but the depth of the thankfulness is much, much, more intense.

Usually in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I find myself planning the big day, reflecting on the previous year and how much I have been blessed with in my life to be thankful for. This year, with Christopher's surgery being scheduled just two days before Thanksgiving... I was paralyzed. I couldn't bring myself past yesterday. "The Tuesday Before Thanksgiving" loomed huge and ugly before me.

Here we are now, about 30 hours since his open-heart surgery was over, and he is making remarkable strides in healing already! By mid-morning today, he had already read all the well-wishes from people on the carepage set up for updates on his surgery, as well as been checking things out on FaceCrack (love that name, totally stole it from Linda!). He also has taken two walks, had a couple of tubes removed, and they have already talked about letting him go home this weekend.

I hadn't even shopped for anything to make for tomorrow ~ thank goodness that my uncle decided to plan a huge bash for my dad's side of the family so I only had to make a side dish and a dessert. No house cleaning necessary! My lovely daughter was out & about and got groceries for me this afternoon, so I didn't even have to leave my house today. I'm still recouping from strep, thankfully the antibiotics kicked in fast. It probably helped that I was able to spend about 24 hours in bed sleeping off and on (mostly on!).

Despite the fact that I couldn't think about Thanksgiving Day until I heard the news of Christopher's successful surgery, I am more than ready for it! Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. My parents somehow always managed to pull it together for holidays, we had a fighting-free day usually. We always spent Thanksgiving with my Aunt & Uncle, cousins who lived just a block away from us, and this aunt was always my favorite. Probably because she was always laughing, could always find humor in things that just pissed off my mom. My mom and my Aunt Opal were always very proud of their turkeys too ~ we have a photo of them with Tom every year I think!


Mom & Aunt Opal with Tom

I wish each and every one of you

a very happy, very blessed Thanksgiving Day.

May your day be full of family, friends,

and of course lots of yummy food!

Susie

Sorry for this rambling post, I think my brain is still scrambled from all of the worrying!

Surgery Went Well!!!!

2011-11-22T16:34:00.001-06:00

Deep sigh of relief, prayers of thanks have been going on for an hour now since I got the news that Christopher was out of surgery and in ICU. He will be there for about 24 hours, in the hospital for about 5 days.

I want to thank all of you ~ for all your kind words, all of your thoughts and prayers for us. I truly don't know what I would do without all you "cyber" friends out there who get just how hard this is for me. I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!

I went to the doctor today, have been feeling a little off for a couple of days, figured it was all the stress and worry about Christopher and ignored it mostly. I haven't been sick with so much as a cold for over 4 years now. Couldn't sleep the last two nights because I couldn't breathe (and I was worrying about Christopher), this morning the glands on both sides of my neck were painfully swollen, and I had a fever. I have strep as well as a possible sinus infection... yay. My doctor (who has become a great friend) said that she isn't surprised at all that I would get sick now.

So I'm off to bed, to try to get a nap in. I need to get myself better so I can enjoy eating too much on Thanksgiving and drinking too much on Fuschia Friday! (One of my best-est friends lives near Chicago, she is home for Thanksgiving, and we are having a Girl Party to celebrate all of us being together again. Black Friday is too depressing of a name, so we gave it a festive name instead!)

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving!

Susie

Surgery Tomorrow

2011-11-21T15:56:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow is Christopher's surgery. I don't know what time, I am assuming it will be somewhat early in the morning.

Still not 100% sure I'm going to get updates, hopefully I will at least get a text when the surgery is over.

If you are one who prays, please pray for Christopher, the Doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic tomorrow.

When I get an update, I will update all of you. Thank you so much for all the care and concern you have shown me. I truly appreciate it!

2011-11-14T14:10:00.001-06:00

Christopher is undergoing some pretty serious surgery next week. As the day gets closer the more worried I find myself.

The more worried I find myself, the more the adoption loss hurts.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, to remember that this surgery is highly successful. Christopher's life span will return to the normal rate again after surgery, without surgery his life span is greatly decreased. No matter the statistics, just knowing that my son will be put on a heart-lung machine during surgery to remove part of his heart muscle is pretty scary stuff!

In my attempt to write every day in this Month of Adoption, too much adoption crap is brought to the surface. I thought it would be a help, concentrating on speaking out to the truths of adoption loss, about family preservation instead of Christopher's upcoming surgery. Instead all it's doing is making me crazy.

Last night I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put together the energy to write anything. So I didn't. Why make things harder than they already are?

So I am taking a break. I will be back, you aren't getting rid of me forever. My heart and brain just need a break until after Christopher's successful surgery and recovery.

I would love and appreciate any prayers and positive/healing energy you want to send Christopher's way at the Mayo Clinic in MN next week. I will let you all know how things are going.

Susie
here's some info about Christopher's disease:
Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM)
here's some info about the surgery he will be having:
Septal Myectomy

A Knife To The Heart

2011-11-12T22:02:00.001-06:00

I had a wonderful day today. Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here! The hubby's family are a deer hunting family. The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch. The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too.

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away. The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again.

I love the family I married into. We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together. As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy. It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends. Then it hit me. Actually, it was more like being stabbed. If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there.

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids. It's never complete.

That's what adoption does to a family. Tears it apart.

Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family. Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart. For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.

Susie

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

2011-11-11T16:30:00.001-06:00

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song. But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it. It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog. Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Tags: I Can't Outrun You, Trace Adkins, Trace Adkins Videos

Especially these lyrics:

...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...

Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day.
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.

Susie
Ok - I will admit it... Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two! When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"
*breathless*
yeah... I do!!

Adoption Awareness ~ The Roller Coaster Ride

2011-11-10T19:56:00.001-06:00

When I was first reunited with Christopher, I had NO idea what a ride I was in for! Even though I had decided that 2009 was the year I was going to face my past, the loss of my son, and begin to search for him ~ I was still deeply in denial and in the adoption closet.

I had no idea that my time-line of reunion was going to be turned inside out ~ we were reunited first, there was no "searching" necessary, and the facing of my past happened at high-speed because of that. If you don't know about the beginnings of our reunion, you can go read about that wonderful day here.

Photo by TempestPhotography

Christopher and I have been in reunion for almost three years. You would think in that amount of time that I would be used to the roller-coaster ride of emotions that adoption reunion brings. You would think I would remember that every time I have gotten lost in worrying things are not going well between us, I have been proven wrong!

How amazing that one little email can raise my emotions up from a puddle on the ground, have me smiling and reassured again. And yet, how sad is that also?

Will the day ever come that I'm not reduced to feeling like that wounded 15 year old girl again?

(There's two more things to add to the list of things you don't know about when you are thinking about giving your child up for adoption. The endless roller-coaster ride and the fact that in some ways you are stunted at the place and age you were when you faced the biggest trauma of your life ~ losing your child to adoption.)

Last night I sent Christopher a short email, not needing or expecting a reply, just a "thinking of you" note. This morning I found an email from him, opening up a bit about his upcoming surgery and repeating his desire to stay positive through all of this. I have been worrying for nothing again. I know that he does care for me and loves me. I still suspect that "we" are just too much for him to think about right now as all of his thoughts and energy are being put towards the immediate future, his surgery and recovery. As they should be!

After reading and responding to his email, I then saw the new replies to last nights post. I smiled as I read what Laurie wrote ~ she was so right! And after receiving Christopher's email today, I do believe as she said: "You've come this far, I know that you'll move further along in this journey.". I have to remember that my son and I were lost to each other for almost 30 years. It's going to take time to grow our relationship. I need to look at the big picture, the whole time-line ~ not just this one moment in time. Last year at this time we had just met in person for the first time. I wasn't too sure if I would ever see all of my children together ~ and now I have had that joy. Twice!

I don't know where this rambling post is going, I just started typing without even an idea of what I was going to write about.

Since this isn't only adoption (be)awareness month, it's also the month of thanks, I would like to mention a couple of things I am thankful for today.

I am so very thankful that Christopher was able to open up to me a little about his surgery.

I am thankful for this up-swing in my emotional reunion roller-coaster ride.

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have "met" here in blog-land ~ you all truly make a difference in my life. It warms my heart to know that there really are others out there who "get me", who understand all this rambling, all the confusion and heart ache ~ and whining!!

Susie

Adoption Awareness - Adoption Loss is Forever

2011-11-09T16:57:00.001-06:00

Why am I having such a hard time finding something to write about? There is so much to be said about adoption that people aren't aware of. I guess I'm just wondering if it's even worth it to speak out? Is it worth digging into something that hurts so badly? Do the people who need to listen and learn ever really listen and learn? I wonder...

The main reason I started writing in a blog is to get everything out of my head. A journal of sorts to help me find myself again. To find the real me who was buried under decades of denial, under the false beliefs I had of myself due to adoption loss.

Here I am, 90 published posts, more than two years later, and I'm still lost.

I have let go of many of the false beliefs I had of myself. I know that I wasn't a "bad girl" simply because of one bad decision. I know that I really was a mother, not just an egg donor and incubator for Christopher's "real parents". I know that I wasn't stupid for choosing adoption, I simply didn't know (most importantly didn't have) any options. I know that it wasn't luck that brought my husband into my life "even though" I was "one of those girls". Most importantly, I know I could have been a great mom to Christopher if I had only been given a chance.

I have come out of the closet of adoption since starting this blog. I speak out of my son and his adoption now. I proudly claim that I am a mother of 4, grandmother of 9. I'm no longer ashamed of the 15 year old girl I once was. People are probably sick of me talking out about adoption now. I will never go back into that damn closet again! It is too suffocating. The only winners in a mother of adoption loss being in the closet is the adoption industry. I won't ever be one of their pawns again!

I am no longer in denial. Although I sure as hell would love to go visit there now and then for a day or so.

"Lost" by Shellie

But I still feel lost. I'm still a mother without her child. Yes, I know where he is. I know he's alive and happy. (I wish I could say he's healthy. If my prayers are answered, he will be healthy again, he will feel better than he has in years after recovering from surgery later this month.) I have had the absolute joy of seeing him in person, holding him in my arms, looking into his eyes. I am so very lucky in that ~ many moms I have come to know still don't know that joy. But. I'm still lost. I don't know how my son feels about me. I don't know if he even really wants me to still be in his life. Does he think of me as a mom, mother in any way? I can't just pick up the phone and call him like I do my other kids. I can't just go visit him when I have a free weekend. I can't even plan on being at the hospital when he's undergoing major surgery. I'm still an outsider in his life, even though we are getting close to three years in reunion. An outsider in my own son's life ~ that hurt is still the same as it was the day I lost him to adoption.

Will I ever truly and completely find myself? I really don't think that's possible. I lost a part of myself, a part of my heart and soul, when I lost my son to adoption. Once adoption loss enters your life, it is there forever. And ever. And ever...

Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Day 8

2011-11-08T20:35:00.001-06:00

A Few Of The Things That Drive Me Crazy

The word "birthmother". For many reasons, most of all when

used by pap's or ap's as a possessive term. Ex: "Our birthmom". Excuse me ~ the mother gave birth to your child, not to you. She cannot be your birthmom!
When shortened to bm. A mother is not poo. A bm is a bowel movement folks!

When the adoptee is described as being a "gift".

I did not and would not give my son as a gift to strangers I had never met. Rather I was giving him the gift of two parents. (Yes, I know now... but at the time that's what I believed was right.)
Especially when used as "a gift from God". This is true, a gift to the mother and father the infant was created by. God doesn't make mistakes and put an infant in "the wrong tummy"!

Adoptive parents who

do not understand that love multiplies ~ it doesn't have to be divided.
do not listen and learn from adoptees who have lived the life and have much to teach.

Mothers considering adoption being treated as saints,

until the papers are signed, then they become dangerous strangers who must be watched and censored around their own children.
until they decide to parent their child, they are suddenly misfits unworthy of raising a child.

Prospective adoptive parents who

claim that God has a hand in their adoption desires.
stalk expectant teen mothers on forums for moms.

Susie
I'm having trouble finding things to write about, and it's only the 8th day. I have a lot I'd like to say, but am having a hard time getting it out without being too angry or too pathetically sad right now.

So dear readers - any ideas? Do you have any questions you would like to ask me? Any lurkers out there who would like to write a guest post to either introduce yourself or a blog post with your thoughts about adoption awareness? Send me a message at findingchristopher at gmail dot com.

Adoption Awareness ~ Learning to Let Go and Let Love

2011-11-07T20:30:00.000-06:00

There is just so much that I don't know about my own son.

It hurts not really knowing my own firstborn child. Does he see my name in his email in-box and smile, or does he think "Oh God... her again?!" ? Is he fine with our limited contact these last several months, or does he wish that something was different so that it didn't have to be this way? Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this ~ reunion, me, him, his new-found siblings, nieces & nephews? Has he begun to see adoption thru less rosy colored glasses as I suspect, or is his opinion of adoption still as it was before reunion?

A couple of weeks ago I found out that Christopher is facing a pretty serious health issue. (Sorry, but I can't really share any details as it's not my story to tell.) For several days after learning this latest turn of events, I was lost in the fear and worry for him, and doubts about where or if I even fit into his life. I have lately been trying to change the worrying into prayers and blessings for Christopher instead of the negative energy of worry or fear.

This led me to reading some different blogs, trying to find healing and positive things to focus on. This afternoon I found myself lost in reading a wonderful blog, Painted Path. So many posts touched me, touched my aching heart. I think I could write for a week or more just on things I read there this afternoon. One thought in particular is something I need to really focus on these next two weeks.

Artwork by Julia Fehrenbacher

Let Go & Let Love is the title of this post, and the beautiful painting that has me feeling in a better place.

I have to let go of the doubts and worries, my questions of his feelings for me. I will let go of them and just love enough for the both of us. I have to let the love into my heart also, not just send it his way.

As Julia said in her post, speaking about her little bird:

She reminded me that when I get out of the way, the sweetest kind of love will be there to meet me, to greet me, to turn me toward the light. She reminded me that when things get messy and I have no idea how to fix them, to let go/surrender/turn it over. She reminded me that, rather than trying to fix, to simply be soft and open--to allow the magic to come to me & through me. To Trust the process, the "mistakes," the timing. To become absolutely present and take it one gentle step at a time. Just one.
To believe in something greater than little me.

So that's what I'm going to try to do. To Let Go and Let Love.

Susie

P.S. ~ Much easier said than done, especially in this month of Adoption Awareness. I thought I could concentrate on the awareness longer than just one week. I thought perhaps it would be a distraction for me till it got closer to the surgery, but I was wrong. I don't know where my writing is going to take me for the rest of the month, I'm going to take it day by day. Maybe the awareness I'm going to find the rest of this month is myself...

2011-11-06T20:41:00.000-06:00

I'm cheating again tonight! I spent the first part of the day with my hubby, which doesn't happen near enough. I spent the rest of the day with my 4 year old granddaughter, spoiling her while her mom and dad are out of town. I thought I would get her to sleep and be able to write, but she is nowhere near ready to go to sleep! So here are some quotes I found about the importance of the mother/child bond while researching for another post.

I'm off to go watch a movie and hopefully put an overly tired four year old to sleep!

To interfere with or destroy this intimacy is to risk interrupting a vital psychological process that may reduce the woman's confidence in herself as a mother and interfere with the flow of communication between her and her baby. - Marshall Klaus

While what the newborn craves is touch, physical skin stimulus and the familiar sound of mother's heartbeat, she is placed in a lifeless basket, with a baby blanket, perhaps a teddybear or soft doll. She is learning that encounters with people cause severe stress. For the newborn, separation from mother equals abandonment:

It is impossible to overstate the monstrousness of this final violation of a new life... this isolation neatly cancels every possible chance for bonding, for relaxation of the birth stress, for the activation of the sensory system for its extra-uterine function, and for the completion of the reticular formation for full mental-physical coordinates and learning... the organism never fully recovers. All future learning is affected. The infant body goes into shock. - Joseph Chilton Pearce

Marshal Klaus, MD, and John Kennell, MD, wrote the book Maternal-Infant Bonding, in 1976, describing the connection between a mother and her child, which originate at birth (or even before) and which is characterized as an intense physical, emotional, spiritual, bond that exists between the two. They describe this bond as a sensitive dance that occurs between them, where each relies on the cues of the other and interacts in an intense intertwined fashion.

The mother-infant bond is extremely important to the present and future emotional health of a child. There are clear indications that an infant is ready to respond to his mother from the moment of birth. Evidence shows that an infant hears and recognizes his mother's voice prenatally. This innate preference in addition to several reflexive behaviors are important to the concept of bonding. (Brazelton & Cramer, 1990).

Adoption Awareness ~ Adoption Trauma to the Child

2011-11-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

I'm cheating today ~ I just don't have it in me to write another post about adoption today.

Here's an article I found ~ written by Florence Clothier, M.D., in 1943. This is an excerpt from "The Psychology of the Adopted Child", The National Committee for Mental Health, Journal on Mental Hygiene., New York.

Did you pay attention to the year? 1943!!

Susie

Trauma to Child

The child who doesnot grow up with his own biological parents, or does not even know them oranyone of his own blood, is an individual who has lost the thread of familycontinuity. A deep identification with our forebears, as experienced originallyin the mother-child relationship, gives us our most fundamental security. Thechild’s repeated discoveries that the mother from whom he has been biologicallyseparated will continue to warm him, nourish him, and protect him pours intothe very structure of his personality a stability and a reassurance that he issafe, even in this new alien world.

Every adoptedchild, at some time in his development, has been deprived of this primitiverelationship with his mother. This trauma and the severing of the individual fromhis racial antecedents lie at the core of what is peculiar to the psychology ofthe adopted child. The adopted child presents all the complications in socialand emotional developments seen in the own child. But the ego of the adoptedchild, in addition to all the normal demands made upon it, is called upon tocompensate for wound left by the loss of the biological mother. Later on thisappears as an unknown void, separating the adopted child from his fellows whoseblood ties bind them to the past as well as to the future.

It is pertinentnever to lose sight of the fact that no matter how lost to him his naturalparents may be, the adopted child carries stamped in every cell of his bodygenes derived from his forebears. The primitive stuff of which he is made andwhich he will pass on to future generations was determined finally at the timeof his conception. . . The implications of this for the psychology of theadopted child are of the utmost significance.

The child who isplaced with adoptive parents at or soon after birth misses the mutual anddeeply satisfying mother-child relationship, the roots of which lie in thatdeep area of the personality where the physiological and psychological aremerged. Both for the child and for the natural mother, that period is part of abiological sequence, and it is to be doubted whether the relationship to it’spost-partum mother, in it’s subtler effects, can be replaced by even the bestof substitute mothers.

But those subtleeffects lie so deeply buried in the personality that, in light of our presentknowledge, we cannot evaluate them. We do know more about the trauma that anolder baby suffers when he is separated from his mother, with whom hisrelationship is no longer merely parasitic, but toward whom he has developedactive social strivings. For some children, and in some stages of development,this severing of the budding social relationship can cause irreparable harm.The child’s willingness to sacrifice instinctive gratifications and infantilepleasures for the sake of love relationships has proved a bitterdisillusionment, and he may be loath to give himself into a love relationshipagain.’

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

2011-11-04T22:18:00.001-05:00

I'm sure all you readers out there know that Adoption Awareness Month/National Adoption Month is supposed to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care.

From the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services ~ the real meaning behind this month:

About National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month, a month set aside each year to raise awareness about the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year's National Adoption Month initiative targets adoption professionals by focusing on ways to recruit and retain parents for the 107,000 children and youth in foster care waiting for adoptive families. The National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,796 KB) notes strategies adoption professionals can implement any day, week, or month to benefit children waiting for families. The Spanish National Adoption Month poster (PDF - 2,494 KB) also provides suggestions for working with Spanish-speaking families throughout the year.

The 2011 theme for National Adoption Month is Build Capacity to Make Lasting Change. The National Adoption Month initiative supports the national adoption recruitment campaign and public service announcements produced in partnership with the Ad Council, AdoptUSKids, and the Children's Bureau. This year's campaign is targeted toward the recruitment of families for preteens (8-12 year olds).

The first major effort to promote awareness of the need for adoptive families for children in foster care occurred in Massachusetts in 1976, when Governor Michael Dukakis announced an Adoption Week. The idea grew in popularity and spread nationwide. In 1984, President Reagan proclaimed the first National Adoption Week, and in 1995, under President Clinton, the week was expanded to the entire month of November.

Every November, a Presidential Proclamation launches activities and celebrations to help build awareness of adoption throughout the nation. Thousands of community organizations arrange and host programs, events, and activities to share positive adoption stories, challenge the myths, and draw attention to the thousands of children in foster care who are waiting for permanent families.

Link to their site to learn more

Adoption Awareness ~ Not Adoption Celebration

Before adoption can happen, relinquishment must take place.

I will never celebrate a mother losing a child, nor will I ever celebrate a child losing their mother. No matter the reason ~ I think that is the most basic, primal loss that exists.

The fact that a mother for any reason feels that she needs to relinquish her child is something that should be mourned, not prayed for or celebrated about.

In my opinion, adoption should only be considered as a last choice, not a first choice. Adoption should only be a first choice in the case of a mother completely and truly having NO desire to parent a child or if abuse is a factor.

Family should always be honored and cherished, not torn apart.

Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ Coming From A Song

2011-11-03T16:47:00.001-05:00

When I made the decision for adoption back in 1979, I had NO idea how deeply that would effect every aspect of my life, my entire life. Adoption loss will be with me till my last breath, no matter how close Christopher and I may grow in the future.

I have talked before about how songs sometimes "talk" to me.

One phrase from a song has playing in my head for days now. I didn't think anything of it, since it's part of a song I have long loved. This morning as the words

I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

began playing in my head again, I realized that I needed to pay attention to them, not just dismiss them.

I have built my life around Christopher. From the moment he was born. I didn't realize it for decades while I was in such denial, but after reunion I saw that I had lived my life around the loss of my firstborn.

Since reunion, I have continued to build my life around him ~ maybe even more than before. The wanting, hoping, waiting, never-ending thoughts of Christopher.

I know that something needs to change for my own sanity. But how? What? ? How do I quit yearning for my son to be a part of my life? How does a mother quit worrying about how her child is doing? I look at photos of his beautiful wife and children and wonder if they will ever know me. How does someone stop wishing that their grandchildren could be a part of their life? How do I quit wondering if my grandchildren will ever even know that I am their grandmother??

Is is possible to change my thoughts?

Is it possible, but I'm just afraid of doing it?

I don't think it's possible to change my life. Unless I go back into that Land Of Denial... Although, wait... That didn't really work the first time around either. I just wasn't aware that so much of what I was/wasn't doing in my life was directly effected by the loss of my son. So no, denial isn't an option.

*sigh*

So I still haven't figured out what, if anything, my subconscious is trying to tell me by having that phrase from this song on repeat lately. Maybe it's another line from the song, there are a few to choose from...

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Susie

Landslide
(click to watch a wonderful performance by Stevie Nicks with Sheryl Crow)
I took my love and I took it down.
I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Mmm I don't know
Mmm Mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
children get older,
and I'm getting older too.
So...

I've been afraid of changing because I, I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder,
Children get older
I'm getting older too.
I'm getting older too...
So....
Take this love and take it down
Oh, if you climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hill,
Well, the landslide will bring it down, down.
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,
Well Maybe...
The landslide will bring you down,
Well, well, the landslide will bring it down.

Adoption Awareness Month ~ What I Wasn't Aware Of

2011-11-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

When I (thought I) was making the choice for adoption, there was a lot about adoption that I wasn't aware of.

I wasn't aware that losing my son to adoption would effect every single aspect of my life.

I wasn't aware that it wasn't really possible to "just get on with my life" like the adoption agency said I would.

I wasn't aware that the adoption industry KNEW that it wasn't possible, but kept that to themselves in order to ensure their supply of newborns would continue.

I wasn't aware that I was indeed my son's mother, that I did have the right to see and hold my baby after he was born.

I wasn't aware that the reason I wasn't allowed to hold him was to take away the possibility that I might just realize the depth of my love for him, the depth of the mother/child bond, and choose to parent him after all.

I wasn't aware that the adoption agency wasn't really concerned about my well-being. They were only concerned about their own well-being. They needed my baby in order to profit the "adoption fees" from his adoptive parents.

I wasn't aware that the children I would go on to raise later in life would be effected by the loss of their brother to adoption too.

I wasn't aware that after losing my son to adoption I would close off a part of my heart in order to not feel the extent of the pain. I not only closed it to feeling the pain and grief ~ I closed it to fully feeling and accepting love also.

I wasn't aware that adoption could only provide my son with a different life, not a better one.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often deal with life-long feelings of abandonment.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often equate being loved with being left behind when they are told that they were given up for adoption because their moms "loved them so much".

I wasn't aware that my problems were temporary, while adoption was forever.

I wasn't aware that forever was so very long.

I wasn't aware that even after being reunited with my son, my heart would still be left with a gaping hole from adoption loss.

I wasn't aware that when I was giving my son up for adoption, I was also giving up grandchildren, as well as a beautiful and kind daughter-in-law.

I wasn't aware that there was so very, very much that I should have been aware of...

Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ From Those Who Know Best!

2011-11-01T22:22:00.000-05:00

I believe that it is the adoptee who pays the greatest price in adoption. It is their life stories we need to listen to as a society in order to truly learn and be fully aware of what adoption really is. After all, who better to help us become aware of adoption than the people adoption is supposed to be all about?

Here are some great adoptee bloggers. If I missed your blog and you want to be included, add it in the comments!

Allison

Amanda (who I forgot to credit with the awesome Adoption Awareness Month logo ~ sorry Amanda!)

Assembling Self

Campbell

Catherine

Christina

iAdoptee

Jasmine

Jenn

John

Joy

Kevin

Linda

Liz and Mariama

Lost Daughters

Mei-Ling

Ms. Marginalia

Muzik

Peach

Snarkurchin (just discovered this blog today)

The Adopted Ones

Von

National Adoption Awareness Month

2011-11-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to do this ~ as crazy as that is for me this month!

I tried last year and failed greatly, maybe this year I can do it.

Here are a few of the others that are going to take back National Adoption Awareness Month:

Amanda at Declassified Adoptee

Jennifer Lauck

iAdoptee

I know there are several more, but now I can't remember who they are!

See you tomorow ~

Susie

Denied ~ Adoptees Original Birth Certificates

2011-10-23T11:11:00.001-05:00

I saw an excellent documentary about the denial of original birth certificate to adoptees.

Denied

Here is a book trailer for "Late Discoveries: An Adoptees Quest For Truth", by Susan Bennett, the first adoptee in the above video.

Late Discoveries Book Trailer

Susie

One Year Ago Today...

2011-10-09T18:36:00.000-05:00

On October 9, 2010 I saw my son for the first time in 31 years. It was a wonderful visit, just the two of us for about an hour. I will never forget that first look into his eyes, that first hug... listening to his voice, his laughter...

*Sigh*

Today I sent him a text. It has been unanswered. Just like the text I sent him early last week.

One year ago today...

I wish I felt today

as happy as I was

one year ago today.

Susie

"Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People" ...Really?!?

2011-10-07T20:47:00.003-05:00

I ran across a blog post titled "Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People". It infuriates me for so many reasons. Not the least of which includes her use of the term birthmother and then using it for an expectant mother who hasn't even given birth yet. Then there is the spelling and grammar issue ~ I wanted so badly to correct all the mistakes in the quotes below!

After deciding to write about this, I wanted to find out more about the blogger. Turns out she is the owner and founder of Unique Adoptions. She calls herself an "Adoption Specialist".

Unique Adoptions is an "adoption facilitating service" which is not subject to licensing by the State of California. This is according to the information page on their website.

Unique Adoptions also has a "Birthmother Relocation Program"! Wonder if they relocate mothers to Utah??

If you aren't too sick when you are done with reading this, you can find more of this blogger/specialist/founder/owner's writing here. Some of the post titles? "Daily Interaction With Birthmothers" and "How To Adopt In 6 Months".

From the blog post:

So In order to get her and her two daughters safe, I purchased $519.00 woth of Greyhound tickets after I wired her $300.00 for gas and food to use her own vechile to drive to CA. But then she said it as stolen by the X-boyfriend RED FLAG! I should of stopeed there. But NO! I felt so bad for her.

Felt bad for her? Really...

So I took her to the Ultrasound office to get a better date Idea of her pregnancy and possible determine gender .. But to my SUPRISE the tech said Oh look you are 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant!!!!! I almost passed out. Now what was I goning to do with this women and her children that had just arrived and was barley pregnant. NO family wants to get involved with a women that is not through her first Trimester.
So instead of saying SORRY, I cant help you I told her not to worry we would just keep plugging along and that I am sure once she was further along a family would love to parent this baby. So for 6 weeks I supported her and her to daughters , I bought her grocerys, Clothing, Blankets, Pillows, I let her borrow my DVD Player I had to pay to keep her in a hotel. I could of just said I am sorry I cannot do this but I did not have the HEart to place them on the streets, so I continued to Hemerage Money from my own savings account to the tune of $4300.00 dollars.

Really... She did this out of the kindness of her heart? Or out of the expectation of the tens of thousands of dollars she could get from an adoptive couple?

she was going to abort the baby if we could not have a family in place. I tried to reasure her that their would be a family and to have faith..

So maybe she was not in it for the infant, maybe she was in it just to "save a baby from abortion"? Uggghhhh, I'm not even going to go there...

YOu know you can work with these women and think they are all so nice and caring, Bend over backwards to help them and then you still get screwed in the long run.

These women??!? But was she bending over backwards to help them? Or to help herself to their unborn child??

So all of you that spokme to us about Angela Pynes she is gone, I am out my savings account and who knows what the out come of this inocent child will be. Oh and did I forget to mention that she got a SAINT Bernanrd puppy to hide in the Hotel, The Kids needed something to play with!! Jeepers it never ends with these women.

Again, "these women". There you go everyone ~ that is what adoption "counselors" think about the pregnant mothers considering adoption. They are less than ~ they are only "these women". This blogger isn't only talking about the woman who scammed her, she is talking about all expectant women she deals with. She hasn't said "this woman", she has said (more than once) "these women".

So as you can see it is not only adoptiveparents that get taken for a ride and used, But it is all adoption professionals, I am sure so many of us have storys of hugh financial losses because we choose to take a women under our wing and try to help her but in then end, We were just another tool toget what they wanted for a very short period of time. I am just glad that is was me who suffered the loss and not one of my many adoptive parents that were thinking of her as a potential birthmother..;.
Screw me once Shame on Me but Screw me TWICE?????????????????

All adoption professionals? She's pretty important to refer to her being scammed as something experienced by all "adoption professionals".

In the end, "we were just another tool to get what they wanted"? Oh, is this kind of like the financial and other methods of coercion used as tools to get what they want? A newborn infant to supply their demand? By exploiting a mother facing a crisis or unexpected pregnancy??

But she's just glad that it was her that suffered the loss ~ not the many adoptive parents. Because you know ~ adoption is all about the adoptive parents, not the infant.

Yes ~ Shame. On. You. Here is my response, which I am sure will not be published:

You were not scammed by a birthmother. You were scammed by a pregnant woman using your deep desire to obtain a newborn in order to exploit you. You were scammed because of your greed for her unborn child. You did not bend over backwards to help this mother out of the kindness of your heart. You bent over backwards because you thought you were going to get her baby. A baby you needed to help supply the demand your agency has for newborn infants. A baby who would have earned tens of thousands of dollars for your agency.

Shame on you and your agency for preying on women in crisis. Shame on you and your agency for targeting women facing an unexpected pregnancy and feeling that if you take care of them for a few months they owe you their flesh and blood. Even if this mother had been sincere in considering adoption, she had every right to change her mind at any time before or after the child was born. Shame on you if you would penalize a mother for wanting to preserve her family in the end.

Susie

A Tragic Loss ~ Blessings Realized

2011-09-30T12:53:00.000-05:00

My community experienced a tragic death earlier this week. 39 years old, a wonderful husband, father, son, brother, uncle suddenly gone.

I was one of the people with his wife when the realization hit her that her husband very well could have been in the early morning accident we were all waiting to hear the details of.

I was one of the people to see her face when the sheriffs deputies came into the building and said that they needed to talk to her.

I cannot get the look on her face out of my mind. I can still hear her words and cries. That moment is etched into my brain and is haunting me.

Soon after that the school bus carrying their young children arrived at my school. They didn't yet know there had been an accident, didn't know that their father had died. We all had to carry on as though it was a normal school day. The kids' teachers had to find the strength to smile and pretend. I had to go get them from class when a family friend arrived later to bring them home. I felt as though was leading them out of their happy little life, into a horrible new life without their daddy.

For once I was so thankful for my inability to cry, to pretend that everything was ok...

Later that day I called my husband and our kids ~ I needed to hear their voices and know they were ok and tell them again how much I loved them. Later that night, when I knew he would be done with dinner and bedtime routines, I called Christopher. It was so good for my heart and soul to hear his voice again.

That horrendous day made me realize that while I may not have the reunion of my dreams ~ I do know that Christopher and his family are happy and healthy and loved by so many. I was able to pick up the phone and let him know how much they are all loved by me. If not for reunion, I would have been lost in the worrying that he may have suffered a death like the one earlier that morning. So sad that it took a tragedy for me to appreciate all that I do have in reunion, instead of looking at what I don't yet have.

Life is too short. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Tell those you love that you love them.

Give freely of your love and hugs ~

for you never know when it may be the last time you can give them.

I count all of you blog-land "friends" as blessings in my life ~

many of you have touched my life in ways you will never know.

I wish each and every one of you to know the joy I have been so blessed to have in finding Christopher.

To those of you searching, I hope you find.

To those of you waiting to be accepted into your child's life ~

I hope your wait ends soon.

To those of you with empty arms, I hope they are soon filled.

Thank you all for being there for me in this journey of Finding Myself.

Susie

One Of These Days (I'm Gonna Love Me)

2011-09-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

I often dream about songs. I will wake up and have a tune in my head ~ sometimes I know what the song is, sometimes I only hear the tune. There have been many times that I dream of the same song over and over. Often I find that it's a subconscious nudge to me that there is something I need to pay attention to.

In the spring of 1998 I woke up many mornings with the same tune in my head before I realized what song it was from. I still remember the first time I heard this song and actually listened to the words to see why it was haunting my dreams. I still remember being breathless as I listened to the last verse of the song:

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

I cried as I prayed that God would please let me know that joy one day. Oh how I needed that sweet release, to rise above myself. I was tired of being someone I didn't like. Tired of being someone who felt as though she didn't deserve to have anyone's love. Because I had been stupid enough to have sex with someone I didn't even really know very well. I hated myself because I gave my own child away. I hated myself for what I thought was being weak ~ because I hadn't done what "they" said I would do ~ get on with my life. They said that one day I would have children "of my own" as though that would make the memory of my firstborn unnecessary. I felt that every time I would think of Christopher I was "purposely" thinking of him, just to feel sorry for myself. I thought that was... pathetic. To use an innocent baby/child to feel sad. On purpose. I couldn't figure out why the hell I would do that. I had plenty of other things going on in my life to be sad about, why was I dredging up the baby I couldn't raise to be sad??

I know, I know... my beliefs back then didn't make any sense.

This song is what first woke me up to how absurd my thought processes were. I listened to it over and over, several times a day for a long time. It helped me to start the process of learning to forgive myself. I realized that I was putting things on myself that I didn't deserve. I think the day I heard these lyrics was the day that I began my journey out of the fog of adoption loss. I wasn't "purposely" thinking of Christopher just to feel sad. I was feeling sad because of the loss of him.

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today. I found myself right back at the moment I first heard it. It also made me remember that I have been waking up to a new tune lately. A tune that's only a few notes, no idea what song it's from yet. I wonder what revelations this next song may have?

Susie

Building My Wings

2011-08-29T17:05:00.002-05:00

Falling. Flying. I find myself thinking about both as I continue my journey of "finding myself" these days. I found this painting and it occured to me that maybe this is what I am doing. Building my wings. The first time I remember feeling as though I could fly was when I started to authentically live this life of being a mom of adoption loss ~ I found reality in "The Truth Shall Set You Free". As often happens, something unexpected came along to knock me down into the pits of adoption loss despair again. There have been many ups and downs in this journey of finding myself after reunion with my son. Instead of looking at that as all bad, perhaps I need to look at the falling as a time I am "building my wings", strengthening them to help me fly farther up next time. Maybe it's in the falling that we find the strength to fly.

Thanks to Suz leaving a link in her reply on my last post, I was able to read again her post about falling. I again found myself being drawn into Suz's experience of falling...

In my head, I started to fall.
I felt myself falling into a deep, dark, tarry abyss.... And then, inside my head, I started to fall into that dark place.
I had lost my grip on the reality I had created for myself.
I knew I wasn’t coming back from that place.
I knew the world as I knew it was gone.
More images..my husband, my son, my friends, my job…
petty objects I would never see again.
Sounds I would never hear.
Flying faster and faster at me and then through me.Falling.
Fast. Incredibly fast.

I fear ever getting even remotely close to facing this! But then, as I go on to read the rest of Suz's post, especially these words:

And yet I must admit that as much as that place terrifies me, it also intrigues me. I cannot help but wonder WHAT might be at the bottom, or perhaps on the other side.

If “the only way out is through” might I actually be able to “let go” in the sense of letting go of these pains, expecations and more. Might there be a better, brighter, happier life for me on the other side of that dark hole?

If I went in through the out door would I come out through the in door?

I cannot deny that even as I fear it, I also desire it. I want to face my grief and loss in order to move past it. I don't want to be held prisoner by my buried emotions forever.

Now if only I could find a way to finally do that...

Susie
Thank you to The Artsy Girl Studio for permission to use her beautiful painting "She Built Her Wings". Artsy Girl has many other prints that I have fallen in love with, including "Be Brave" which has also given me an idea for a future blog post.

Pit of Despair

2011-08-19T16:14:00.000-05:00

The comment left by Suz on my last post has reminded me of something. Suz said about the emotions of losing her child to adoption:

I am TERRIFIED of their power. I am afraid if I really let them out, really cried, the weak hold I have on reality would be gone for ever.

Last year as I was trying to work through yet another layer of adoption loss, I was finding myself terrified of the deep grief I was beginning to acknowledge. It was so deep, so... all-consuming. I was at a loss of how to even describe it. One day I was reading a post over at Suz's blog "Writing My Wrongs", where she described being at an adoption-related conference and finding herself being swept down into a pit of despair, and thankfully someone behind her noticed her distress and put their hand on her shoulder, helping pull her back to reality. (I tried to go find that post, but kept finding myself lost in reading other old posts of hers and losing track of time so I gave up. If somehow you don't know Suz's blog, you need to check it out!)

I so clearly remember reading her words about the fear of that pit of despair, and it was as though I was reading an exact description of the fear I hadn't been able to put words to. That fear of falling into the depths of my grief became very overwhelming last fall, it was with me constantly. (Brought on I'm sure by the beautiful October day that I finally got to meet Christopher in person.)

I don't know what the point to this post is, I guess I just found myself lost in the remembering about the deep fear of losing myself to the grief. It's still there ~ the fear of falling into that pit. Somehow I was able to bury it again, to not be overwhelmed with it. I wish I could find somebody who could help me safely face an express the grief. I feel as Suz speaks of in her comment:

Its a safety mechanism for me. A protection of my mind and soul and life I live today. In saying that I realize that approach has an effect on this life, but negatively effecting my life and still living is better than not living at all. I hope that some day I can truly get through it all, somehow, someway, with a safe person that I can be confident will get me through the agony and pull me out to the other side. Until that day comes, it stays in side and seeps out every now and then.

So maybe I need to stop thinking of my inability to cry as something wrong, and think of it as something keeping me safe until I am able to face those deep emotions. Now if only I could find a way to do that...

Susie

Putting Up Walls

2011-08-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

I had some comments on my last post that I was going to reply to, but decided to write a new post instead.

First, about comparing reunions.  

I was generalizing in my thoughts about the different things I read at FMF. There are many who do not fall into the "worst case scenario" when it comes to reunion, but there are many who do. I want any expectant mother considering adoption who may stumble onto my blog to know the possibilities of "what may be" if they allow adoption into their lives. They are not giving up their motherhood for only 18 years, it may be forever. Reunion isn't a sure thing. Growing a loving relationship after reunion isn't a sure thing.

Isn't that part of what is so hard in navigating through a reunion? There is nothing to compare to. There are also no "rules" to follow. When there are no rules or nothing to compare your reunion to, there is no real way to go into reunion except with trial and error. Hopefully the error isn't enough to completely de-rail the reunion. What works for one person will horribly fail for another. All we can hope for is that all parties are in it for the best, and are willing to get to know each other despite ourselves.

Now for the part that has really been bothering me.

Putting up walls.

Linda said... I love the "I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day" comment. Once I let go of the baby who was given up for adoption (me) it really helped me. I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me. It's taken me 45 years to get to this point.

I don't remember who it was that gave me that advice. To take the baby I gave up out of my reunion with Christopher. It was the best advice I received, and was a tremendous help to me when I was first navigating through reunion. It helped me be happy to get to know the young man who Christopher is, instead of only being sad about the baby who grew up without me. It didn't always help, there were and still are times it is impossible to take the baby out of the equation. I love Linda's words "I cannot change what my Mother went through, and I cannot change what was done to me" ~ substitute son for mother, and it's taken me 48 years to get to this point!

lolokey said... I wasn't sure, so I went back and checked. When you met your son for your first f2f he told you one of the conditions was that you couldn't cry! Maybe you put that wall up at his request, not yours? (which by the way is a very maternal thing to do!)

Yes, that was his one condition to meeting that October day last year. He said I couldn't cry. Which I didn't think was going to be a problem, as I have been unable to cry in front of anyone for years. I had become an expert at putting up the walls and not letting out my emotions. So having Christopher put that request out there only made it more necessary for me to put and keep that wall up. It became necessary to me to completely take that baby out of the day, in order to make it through meeting the wonderful young man without tears for the baby I lost.

The thing that really bothers me though is that I have become so good at burying the emotions. I feel as though it's emotionally unhealthy for me, it makes me angry at myself, it just plain drives me crazy that I don't/can't cry over all of this. Or is it? Am I mental (quit nodding), or is it something else?

lolokey said...I struggle with putting walls up as well. Maybe the most important thing is that we allow ourselves to feel the emotions, not beat ourselves up about when we do (or don't) feel them. Maybe we can start to learn to see our walls as a place to lean on when we need support and not use them to protect ourselves.

Is my lack of crying because I buried the tears? Or have I actually come to a place of.... acceptance? Maybe I need to quit beating myself up for what I think is not feeling the emotions. I do feel love, fear, worry, etc. for Christopher, for all the loved ones in my life. Have I been leaning on my walls, not hiding behind them? This all sounds so stupid when I go back and read these last words. I so wish that I was able to get the swirling thoughts out of my head and into a sentence that makes sense when written!! I guess what I need to do is take lolokey's advice and not beat myself up for not feeling the emotions. Because maybe that's not what's going on after all.

*sigh*

I wish there was a guide book for all of this...

Susie

Thoughts from First Mother Forum

2011-08-15T15:41:00.001-05:00

Over at First Mother Forum there have been some great posts about adoption reunion. If any of you reading here don't know about this wonderful blog, you need to go check it out, it's one of my favorites. The blog posts are great, the comments on them are just as good. Several things on these recent posts had me wanting to comment, so I thought I would just write about them here.

We natural mothers long for a kind of normalcy with our reunited daughters and sons that we cannot have. What has gone on before will not allow it.

Oh how I long for "normalcy". Even though I know normalcy is unrealistic ~adoption takes away any sense of normal. Adoption is not normal...

A comment from Von: I think we all long for normalcy, but for many adoptees, most if not all, it is not possible, never will be because of the loss which reunion never 'cures', makes up for or deletes. How to trust someone who walked out on us?

I hope that Christopher trusts me. I hope he believes my promise to only be honest with him, no matter what he may ask. I hope he knows that I won't ever walk out on him again. (Just had a thought ~ maybe he thinks it isn't a good thing that he will never be rid of me! Poor kid is stuck with me forever!)

Kristie says: I don't believe that adoptees go "in and out", "advance and retreat". We just live as we always have, not knowing where exactly we belong, trying to protect ourselves all along the way.

So how exactly does any reunion go smoothly? If both of us are trying to protect ourselves along the way? How do we get "beyond" that? God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sit down with Christopher and have an honest to goodness "heart to heart" and just get it all out there without either of us taking anything the wrong way, without either of us hearing something in a hurtful way when it's not meant to be hurtful. Maybe one day...

Kristi says: But the reality is that .... For you, we are that missing part of yourself that was ripped from your body. To us, you are a curiosity - "who, what, why, when, how and where" is what we really want to know.

This is something I wish that every expectant mother considering adoption could know, I mean really and truly KNOW. I wish that I could have known this before reunion, before my heart went all out crazy thinking I had my son fully back in my life. Not all adoptees feel this way, but many do. Then there are the adoptees who do not feel this way, but will never let us know differently out of fear of being rejected again. Or out of fear of being unloyal to the mothers who raised them. This is a possibility that we must be ready for though ~ we may only be to our sons and daughters the answers to long wondered questions. They already have a mom who they love and who fully loves our sons and daughters in return. Our sons and daughters may never have had, may never have, a need for a mother/son mother/daughter relationship with us. I've touched on this topic before ~ I'm not saying it's "wrong" for an adopted person to feel this way, it's just a possible truth in adoption.

"We cannot sustain a loving heart in a constant state of confusion and imbalance. We start setting up our own protective walls."

I have done that. Built the walls. Again. The love I feel for Christopher, that I can't express, because some don't understand ~ and worse, the others who don't care to try to understand. It's just too much sometimes to deal with ~ it's easier if I push it down, bury it, keep it hidden behind those protective walls. I wish that it could be like it was when first in reunion again... I find myself hiding the depths of my feelings from Christopher himself. Sadly, I think I started building up the walls at a time that most people would begin tearing them down. On the day that we were finally going to meet in person for the first time. The only way I knew I would be able to make it without crying is if I wouldn't let the reality of the moment sink in. So I buried it. Made the meeting "less than" in my mind. And heart. I didn't allow myself to think about the past, I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day. I was simply meeting the young man I had been happily getting to know through many emails. I hate that I did that. I hate that my "survival mode" is so strong that it could take over such a huge moment in my life. I hate to admit this to myself, much less put it out there in writing. (I will be surprised if I don't erase this last bit before posting!)

From a comment, which sums this all up so very well (my emphasis):

..This, I believe, is not intentional on most people's parts. It is part of the dysfunction of adoption. What happened to us was so incredibly unnatural. In more civilized societies, children and parents would never be legally banned from knowing each other even if other people are doing the upbringing of the child. The inhumanity is damaging and reunification is anything but simple.
-Mara

The Invitation - by Oriah

2011-07-30T17:45:00.000-05:00

I was reading through some of my favorite poems today and found this old favorite. It speaks to me today, so I thought I would share it with all of you.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Looking for submissions - A book being written for adoptees

2011-07-26T18:42:00.000-05:00

If you went to check out Kevin Hofmann's blog post I wrote about yesterday, you already know about this project. I thought I would help Kevin spread the word, it sounds like a great book idea.

THE ADOPTION PROJECT: I am working on a special project that will combine the shared experiences of adult adoptees, First mothers, and Adoptive parents, in a powerful way to send an empowering and inspirational message to today’s adoptees. If you are interested in sharing from your own experience please contact me for the particulars @ Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net.

Some more info about the project that Kevin shared with me:

Each page of the book will include a member of the triad. It would include your bio, where you are from etc. Then the next portion of the page would be your message to adoptees speaking from your experience. Something you wish you knew growing up about adoption(adoptees), the frustrations about adoption, etc.(adoptees, parents) A love letter to your adoptee, the real story and feelings behind relinquishing a child, a love letter to your child(first mom and dads).
We want this to be inspiring but at the same time real. We want it to be positive but also we want to share the reality of adoption.

If you are interested in learning more about this project or being a part of it, please email Kevin for more info at:
Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net

Smashing Fun House Mirrors

2011-07-25T21:53:00.001-05:00

I often find myself identifying with the words of other first moms. It used to be such a surprise to me that someone else felt the way I did about or because of adoption loss. I am no longer surprised when I read the words of my heart and soul expressed by another mother.

I am often surprised though when I read the words of an adoptee and find myself identifying with something they have written regarding adoptions effects on them. Kevin Hofmann's latest post "Smashing Fun House Mirrors" had me surprised again. Kevin is speaking about his experience as a panel member at a camp for teen adoptees.

As another panel member was speaking, Kevin found his mind wandering ~

I was still part of the conversation but preoccupied with other thoughts.

About 10-12 beautiful adoptees sat in front of me ranging from ages 13-17, and mostly female. The thought that keep bouncing around in my head made me sad and very reflective. I wondered if the kids knew just how beautiful and special they all were. Churning over and over in my head was the thought of myself at their age. That split from my first mother played itself out over and over and over in friendships and relationships in ways that I was blinded to at their age but in ways that are so clear to me today. The fracture of the very first relationship I ever had tilted every other relationship since then.

After I gave birth to my firstborn son and walked out of that hospital alone, I felt as though I was a different person. A broken and fractured person who would never be whole again. The split from my son played itself out over and over again later in my own life as a parenting mother. I was blinded to it when my children were young, but now that I have "come out of the fog" of my adoption loss, I see it. I see many places where the fracture of the very first maternal relationship I ever had tilted my relationships with not only my raised children, but with most of the people in my life.

The subtle whispering that crept through my thoughts convinced me of a picture of myself far different than was actually there. It was as if I stood in front of a fun house mirror everyday and the image that reflected back to me was distorted. It was this image that I took with me everyday that told me I wasn’t good enough; I wasn’t worthy. This image and subliminal understanding affected how I interacted with people. It created an invisible line that I rarely would cross. My relationships and friendships were superficial and kept at a safe distance. This protected me from the rejection that I feared and came accustomed to expect. If I only waded in to relationships, I couldn’t be drowned by the rejection that was sure to follow. So I stood back, and watched as others formed deeper relationships and wondered why I couldn’t do the same. I wondered why my emotional roots only went down so far and others had deep strong giant oak-like roots that drew people in and hugged them.

From the very moment I gave birth, when my son was no longer "of me", I felt exactly as Kevin wrote above. Kevin is speaking from the break with his mother, but his words also speak for me from the break with my firstborn child.

I did not realize how much the loss of Christopher effected my life until we were reunited. The day I read the emails from the search angel and Christopher changed my life. For the first time in almost 30 years my heart was flooded with love. It was as though my heart opened wide and was finally able to fully accept love from others and also fully give my love to others. I was finally able to acknowledge the deep and never ending love I felt for the child I gave up, the child that society told me I should have been able to forget. I felt as though my heart was too big to stay contained within my chest. I realized that I had even been holding myself back from fully loving or being loved by my husband and children.

This post by Kevin really hit me hard. It has taken me several days of pondering to even attempt to write about. Not only because of the parallels that it held for me in my life as a first mom, but also because of the raw emotions it brought to me regarding the children we gave up.

It is so hard to know that what I chose as the "best thing" for my son could have caused such deep problems instead. It cuts me to the quick when I learn of an adoptee who has the deep wound of feeling unworthy because their mother gave them up for adoption. For I am "one of them" ~ the mothers who caused those wounds.

As I continued to read, I became inspired by Kevin's words. By his realization of the teens' altered self-images and the fact that he wanted to share with them the truth of their images.

The fun house mirror that I constantly struggle with is making house calls to generations behind me and I wanted to stand up and tell one adoptee at a time that the reduced image of themselves was altered. The image that I see of them stands taller, is more capable, is funnier, kinder, more powerful, and their REAL potential is so bright it was burning my corneas.
I wanted to shout down the whispers that began at that initial separation from their first mother that says they are not good enough. I wanted to summon all the strength I’ve gained from my own powerful introspection and use it to strangle the exterior coy messages that support those whispers.

“They are better than the image they see,”

What a wonderful message Kevin. I wish that all of the teens in your groups, that all adoptees struggling because of the loss of their natural families could know that.

I think this is also a great message for mothers considering adoption ~ if they could see their true image then perhaps it would keep an infant with their image intact.

If you aren't a reader of Kevin's blog "My Mind On Paper", please go read this entire post, you won't be disappointed.

Susie

A Mother's Song - taking the crisis out of pregnancy

2011-07-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

I found a wonderful new website for mothers considering adoption. A Mothers Song ~ taking the crisis out of pregnancy is a wonderful resource that I am very glad to have found. How I wish that every mother considering adoption could find this website in order to make a truly informed decision!

I am going to add this to my "Learn" page, but wanted to give it some more attention and help spread the word of this website. Here is the article that brought me to discover this wonderful resource:

Letter From "Adoptable" Baby to Adoptive Parent

by Julie A. Rist

To Whom it May Concern:
I miss and need my mother. It is no matter to me, the circumstances that led to this day. I am not aware of them. I will not understand them for many years to come – if ever. All I know is that my mother has disappeared. Please show me empathy for this profound loss until and unless I tell you I no longer need it.
Never forget that I spent the first months of my life with my mother getting to know, intimately, her voice, her heartbeat, her taste, her scent, her rhythms, her laughter, and so much more. She has been my Universe since the day I was conceived. Because I am human, I was designed to need and want the familiarity of these things upon emergence from her womb to make me feel safe, to trust, and to feel a part of the Family of Man.
Never forget I have lost these things. I have lost my Universe. I may be your Universe now, but you are not mine now.
Despite your desire for a baby, please understand that, to me, you do not smell right, sound right… feel right. Because of this, understand that I am going to resist you. Understand that I will not trust you, because I lost my nascent sense of trust when I lost my mother. I will have to learn a different kind of trust, and that will take a great deal of work on your part.
Also understand that I will carry the memory of my loss (though hidden from my conscious memory) forever. My bones know it, my heart knows it, my soul knows it. Whether you are honest with me or not, I will always know it, so it would be wise not set up a scenario for my feelings of your betrayal.
I was born with a given set of characteristics and personality. They will not reflect those of your own family. I compel you to honor and respect them. Do not try to mold me to your own; I will resent it forever. If you truly care about my well-being you must perceive, respect, and nurture the person I was born to be. You must also honor and respect my own family - and my relationship to it.
If there is even one feeling or request that you find uncomfortable in this notice, please return me forthwith to my mother. For all her faults, she is still what I want and need most. I would rather live with her in a cold-water flat with just a few rags of clothing than in your 4-bedroom house with a fenced yard and nice dog.
Thank you.
Sincerely,

Father Thomas Brosnan; Through a Priest's Adopted Eyes

2011-07-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

Tonight I found myself lost in reading the words of a Catholic Priest who was adopted as an infant.

Father Tom Brosnan, B.A.,M.Div.,M.F.A. who is an international speaker and writer. Father Brosnan has advocated for adopted persons, who seek the same civil rights as their non-adopted peers --- access to their original birth certificates. Father Brosnan understands the search for origins as “a religious experience, a pilgrimage of self knowledge, a holy endeavor.” In September, 2001, Father Brosnan received the Angels in Adoption Award presented by the Congress of the United States.

Father Brosnan was told he was adopted at 12 years of age, searched for and found his natural parents when he was 32 years old. He was in reunion with his mother for 10 years before she died, and is in contact with his 6 maternal siblings. He also found and met his father, who denies his parentage of Fr. Brosnan.

I was rather surprised that Fr. Brosnan is an active priest, yet speaks out (beautifully) about the wrongs of closed adoptions and records ~ which the Catholic Church advocates for. He speaks of the "lies" in adoption also. I was completely surprised to find myself lost in the writings of a Catholic Priest!

Below are links to transcripts of some of the speeches Fr. Brosnan has given.

Through A Priest's Adopted Eyes

More Adoption Related Posts By Father Brosnan

Susie

Looking For Moms Who Chose Adoption While Parenting Older Children

2011-07-13T16:37:00.003-05:00

I follow the blog "wsbirthmom". The blog is written by a mom who is raising an elementary aged daughter and chose adoption for her son born earlier this year. She is looking for other mothers of adoption loss who are raising their older children.

I just thought I would help her spread the word!

Looking for birthmothers who are parenting older children

Susie

2011-07-05T21:09:00.000-05:00

I was reading the words of an adoptee the other day, I read these words and found myself nodding in agreement:

No one believes me that my mother is an ordinary woman. An ordinary person who cares for her children. But that can’t be true, because she gave me up. So she loved me enough to give me up but not enough to keep me – yet she’s “okay” because she kept her other children – but because she kept her other children and didn’t keep me, she’s seen as an abnormal woman.

She gave me up and kept two others, so there is something wrong with her. She didn’t love me enough, she loved me selflessly, she loves me but just not as much as her other children, she was foolish for not being able to take care of me, etc etc.

It took me a few days of reading and re-reading this post to figure out what exactly had me going back to it.

It's no wonder that the average Joe has these beliefs about mothers who have given a child up for adoption. I myself believed these things for many years. I didn't think I was "good enough" when parenting my raised children because after all, I had given my firstborn child away. There was something wrong with me because I was stupid enough to get pregnant so young in the first place, then to top it off I gave him up for adoption ~ making my "mistake" even worse. How could anyone look at me as an "ordinary woman" when I had failed my firstborn son so badly?? How could I ever be considered to be a good mom to my raised children when I had failed my firstborn so badly?? I doomed him to be an illegitimate child, to life as an adoptee. I told myself that I chose adoption out of love for him ~ but if I really loved him, wouldn't I have done everything possible to raise him? I didn't even know if he really did get that "better life", if he really did have great parents who were better than I could have been. How could I have put such blind trust in complete strangers? Is there anything less "ordinary" than that for a mother?

I still found myself going back to Mei-Ling's post with an unsettled feeling. I went back to read the post yet again, and saw it this time:

Granted, when I see the statement “a mother kept one child but gave up the other[s]“, it does make me wonder. All the intellect in the world doesn’t matter when semantics come into play. And oh lord, does it ever make me hurt for the day the relinquished child will discover their mother kept siblings. Because I know how it feels, and it can be excruciatingly painful to witness that, to have to live with the knowledge that you were given up but your siblings weren’t, so you’re automatically deemed as less worthy. I know how it feels to be an outcast, to be fed crumbs and know you only get those crumbs out of pity.

…..
Case in point: If my mother woke up tomorrow and got in a traffic accident on her way to work and ended up in a hospital overnight with a severe brain injury, how would I know?
Quite simple: I wouldn’t. Because I was relinquished and I’m not part of the “real” family over there in the way my kept and raised siblings have been.
…..
Because a mother who has given up a child and who ultimately kept her other children, is not worthy. Our brains give us all the legitimate, politically correct terms the whole wide world has to offer, but at the heart of it all, the raw truth is that it translates to:
Your mother didn’t care enough.

That was it. The fear I had about reunion. The fear that my son would one day find out I had gone on and raised three children after I gave him up. I was so very fearful that he would be angry about that. So fearful that he would hate me for that. I was terrified that Christopher would think that I didn't care enough.

This one single post of Mei-Ling's touched on so many things for me. So many of the beliefs I had for so many years after giving my son up, beliefs that changed dramatically after we were reunited.

And so this gives free rein to the stereotypes, the misconceptions. This gives others the mindset that they can say whatever they want, no matter how true or false or exaggerated it may be. Because all they see is:
Mother gave up her child and kept the other children.
And they think:
Who does that?!
No one cares to know, either.
Because the truth, intellect doesn’t matter. No amount of intellectual explanation matters. ~~The law says she didn’t have enough money. The law says she didn’t have any support.~~ The law says “You need to realize not all parents can care for their kids.” The law says “We shouldn’t have to give a damn about parents who end up in situations where they can’t care for their kids.” The law says “That’s your explanation, we found good parents for you, so what’s your problem? Your mother couldn’t care for you. Not our fault.”

Christopher did get great parents, he did have a great childhood ~ so what's my problem?

And then, coincidentally, the law says “Other people wish to become parents. Other people want a child to love.” That’s the explanation.
Adoption narrative: The law says “We shouldn’t have to give a damn about parents who end up in situations where they can’t care for their kids.” -> And then, coincidentally, the law says “Other people wish to become parents.”

I hope and pray that through this blog a mother facing an unexpected pregnancy may find the information to make a TRULY and FULLY informed decision for or against adoption. I hope and pray that these mothers will find the resources to learn about how adoption will really effect herself and the precious child she is carrying, that she can be directed to the support she needs to keep her family intact. It is not only the natural parents who are deceived by the adoption industry, it is also the adoptive parents who are not told the truths of adoption. I hope that people can come to realize that the adoption industry and our laws regarding domestic infant adoption in the U.S. are not about a mother, about the family, needing to be cherished and preserved. DIA has become about the attorneys and agencies ensuring their multi-billion dollar incomes through the women and men who want to add a child to their family through adoption.

After seeing what I have seen on the blogosphere, and the amount of discussion pertaining to the intellectual and semantic conflicts in adoption, the question is no longer: If my mother loved me, why did she give me up?
I know my mother loved me. I looked her in the eye and I knew she loved me, without any outside influence.
The question is now:
My mother loved me. So why wasn’t she supported to keep me?

I hope and pray that Christopher does truly know how much

I always have and always will love him.

Susie

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

2011-06-30T12:20:00.000-05:00

I LOVE the movie Burlesque! I was listening to the soundtrack this morning as I was getting ready for work.

As I listened to the song "You Haven't Seen The Last of Me", I immediately thought of a friend from an on-line forum I belong to. She has taken a break from the forum, as the happy-dappy adoption attitudes and the ap's who like to label us as "bitter birthmoms" have taken their toll on her. I then thought of all of us strong women who are surviving adoption loss ~ the moms and the adoptees. For I believe that we ARE strong, even when we are feeling weak. And that is why I am so very thankful for all of the on-line friends I have met in adoption blog-land. When I am feeling weak, feeling brought down to my knees and past the point of breaking, all of them, all of you lift me back up again ~ you are my strength until I can stand up on my own again!

"You Haven't Seen The Last Of Me"

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But just there's something so strong
Somewhere inside me.
And I am down, but I'll get up again.
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
You haven't seen the last of me.

They can
Say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me.
You don't know me, you don't know who I am.
Don't count me out so fast.

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me.
There will be no fade-out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing on top again.
Times are hard but
I was built tough.
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of.

I've been brought down to my knees
I've been pushed
right past the point of breaking,
But I can take it.
I'll be back -
Back on my feet
This is far from over

I am far from over...

You haven't seen the last of me.

No, no,
I'm not going nowhere.
I'm staying right here!
Oh no,
You won't see me beg
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

(Doll ~ I'm so thankful for FaceBook ~ I wasn't ready to see the last of you!)

Susie

Alone ~ Words of Anguish

2011-06-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine from a forum for moms wrote a beautifully haunting post the other day. I can't get it out of my head. I asked her for permission to post it here, as I think it is something that needs to be read by many.

My opinions on adoption loss, as well as my stance on family preservation are often said to be irrelevant. My opinion, the opinions of other mothers who lost children to adoption decades ago, are dismissed as not relevant because "adoption is different" now. That is a whole different post though. This post is about the loss experienced by "new" mothers of adoption loss being no different than those of us who have lived with it for decades. It is painful, it is agonizing. How anyone can dismiss the grief of another is beyond me.

Here are the words of a mother who lost her child to adoption just over two years ago.

I feel so alone now,
The days pass by so slowly.
I feel I have been left behind,
Forgotten and pushed to the back of your mind,
The gift I gave you,
Has taken a huge toll
On my mind, body, spirit, and soul.
I alone paid the price,
Made the ultimate sacrifice.
And you were the only ones with something to gain,
I'm the one left with the pain.
The days drag on,
Until each one combines into the next one.

And I feel so alone,

I feel so alone...

Discovered a New Blog

2011-06-21T22:17:00.000-05:00

I discovered a new blog "Birthmothers In Search" tonight, and found myself lost in watching videos. There are many great posts & videos on the blog, I found this video very much worth the time to watch it. Now I'm off to check out the website Gather The Women. I will let you know what I think of it.

How do the adoptive parents make you feel?

2011-06-15T14:13:00.000-05:00

As a mother who placed, how do the adoptive parents make you feel?

This question was asked on a forum I belong to recently. Normally I ignore most of the adoption questions there, but for some reason this one keeps coming back to me. When an idea or thought gets stuck in my head, it usually means it is something that I need to deal with for some reason.

One of the reasons I started to write and blog about my adoption story was because I was having such a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words. I often felt like I just had a bunch of random words and bits of thoughts swirling like a tornado in my brain. When I would try to put them into a cohesive thought or sentence, I couldn't. It's like I had spent so many years, decades, hiding from the thoughts and feelings about my son and his adoption, it became all but impossible to finally face them and put words to them. This blog has helped me with that so much. It helped me to come fully out of the fog and finally know and accept the effects of adoption loss on my life. I finally put an end to the constant tornado.

I had all but forgotten that feeling of the swirling thoughts that wouldn't settle down no matter how hard I tried. Trying to put thoughts or words together to describe how Christopher's parents make me feel have brought it right back. I am going to attempt to answer that question, hoping that by writing it out I will figure it out.

The very first and most simple thought/feeling that comes to mind when thinking about them is gratefulness. It seems... wrong somehow? to want to express my thanks to them for being wonderful parents to Christopher though. I don't know why it feels wrong, but it does. Maybe because of the hurt I felt when I read his mothers words of thanks to me for my "selfless decision". The thanks were meant completely out of love and gratefulness, and I did read them as loving words, but it later felt like a kick in the stomach, a "thanks for living with life-long grief and loss that is unimaginable by anyone who has not lived the life of a mother without her child". Maybe I feel ambivalent about saying that I feel grateful to his parents because to them it could be seen as hurtful, not with the love that I mean it in; but since I am not an adoptive parent I don't realize how those words could be perceived as hurtful. (Those were some rambling sentences ~ I hope that they make at least a little sense!)

So. Overall, how do Christopher's parents make me feel? ... Confused? Intrusive? Sad? I guess that since I have no idea how they feel about me, about me being in their son's life, it just leaves me wondering.

After I gave Christopher up, I often fantasized that I was somehow able to write to his mom. I used to actually write the letters, but had nowhere to mail them to. I imagined that I was able to become pen-pals of sorts with her. I dreamed that I was able to KNOW, not hope, how he was doing as he grew up. I was able to learn the funny things he said and did as he was growing up. I got to read about when he started to walk and talk, ride a bike, start school... I was able to learn how her life was changed as a mother to a son. I was able to see photos of him, of them, as Christopher grew up so I could stop looking at every little boy his age and wonder if it could have been him. I wanted her to know how my life was going too. I wanted her to know the milestones that happened in my life. I guess I mostly hoped that she cared how I was doing. I felt a bond of sorts between us ~ two mothers with a deep and profound love for the same child. I still feel that bond, even though we have never met, even though we have never become the "pen-pals" that I dreamed of.

I guess how his parents make me feel is wanting. Wanting to know them, wanting to act on that bond I feel with his mother. Wanting to be a part of their family and for them to be a part of mine. Wanting to have a relationship in real-life, not just in my heart.

Susie

Lost Daughters

2011-06-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

There is a new blog that I am really excited about! Some of my favorite bloggers have joined forces to create the blog Lost Daughters. In their words, here is what this new blog is about:

This blog was created by female adoptees, for female adoptees as a place to exchange ideas and opposing views in a respectful atmosphere. While each adoptee has a unique experience and their own opinions, in general, we each support Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and Family Preservation. This blog is a place for female adoptees to share their experiences and think critically about adoption. We do not write pro-adoption posts or repeat stereotypes about adoptees.

We acknowledge that adoption also impacts male adoptees and appreciate their viewpoints as well. We hope to include guest blogs by men who have been adopted throughout our blog journey.

We also acknowledge that adoption impacts more than just adoptees and that others may identify with many things we write, even if they are not also adopted. While this is an adoptee blog, we welcome anyone who would like to follow along, read, and comment. Please just keep in mind that the site content will be geared toward female adoptees.

If you agree with our blog's mission, are a female adult adoptee, and would like to contribute to this blog, please email declassifiedadoptee [at] gmail [dot] com .

Good luck ladies! I wish you much luck in your endeavor towards Adoption Reform, Adoptee Rights, and Family Preservation. This mom looks forward to reading and learning from all of you!

International Adoption Facts

2011-06-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

A good friend and fellow blogger has a great post with lots of information regarding the crimes of the international adoption industry.

International Adoption Facts

Susie

THE ADOPTEE RIGHTS COALITION

2011-06-06T17:49:00.000-05:00

Letter Writing Campaign Starts Now!!

If you don't already know, The Adoptee Rights Coalition supports legislation that will give all adopted adults unconditional restored access to their own birth certificates.

Please visit their latest blog post to find a link to your legislator and a sample letter if you need help composing one. The post has a lot of other interesting info regarding equal rights for everyone to receive their original birth certificates.

If you have followed my blog, you know that I was NEVER promised anonymity, nor did I ever want it! Quite the opposite in my case ~ I was told that if I ever searched for my son I would be breaking the law, no matter how old he was. Another mother who gave up a child from the very same adoption agency just 3 weeks before me was told that her daughter would receive all the info necessary to find her when she turned 18. Both cases were blatant lies.

Mothers of adoption loss are not the reason the birth certificates are sealed!

I am going to go write my letters now ~ will you?

Click here to get started!

Susie

Adoption - An Unregulated, Multi-Billion Dollar Industry

2011-06-03T22:41:00.000-05:00

Adoption in the United States is a Big Business. It is for the most part an unregulated, multi-billion dollar a year industry.

The adoption industry relies on the vulnerability of women facing an unplanned pregnancy, a crisis moment in their lives. Poor, young and/or unmarried women are especially vulnerable to the high-pressured tactics of the adoption industry. Without resources or support, they believe that their sacrifice will be worth it if their child can benefit from being raised by a "more worthy" family. These mothers, desperate to give their child a "better" life, are never told of the life-long effects on herself, the infant given up, or the children they are currently or may raise in the future. These mothers are not told that adoption does not guarantee a better life, it just guarantees a different life.

The adoption industry has spent millions of dollars researching how to use the vulnerability of these mothers to their favor in order to meet the high demand they have for newborn infants. These newborn infants bring prospective adoptors willing to pay large amounts in order to become parents. The adoption industry also spends large amounts of money on promoting adoption as a "loving choice", as well as an alternative to abortion. This image of adoption is necessary in order to keep the supply and demand high enough to keep the industry wealthy. The adoption industry exploits the mothers as well as the prospective adoptive parents who believe that adoption is only good, is only in the best interest of the children.

The adoption industry is also a big player in limiting adult adoptees access to their birth records and original birth certificates. The big business interests of adoption has laid the blame for sealing the information on the mothers, stating that they were promised privacy and anonymity. In actuality, most mothers are never told that they will remain anonymous; they do not expect nor do they want to remain a secret from their children. The reality of the industries desire to keep records sealed has more to do with promoting the secrecy, limiting their liability and preserving their profits.

The adoption industry is not alone in their quest to continue bringing in billions of dollars a year to their bank accounts. The adoption industry employs full-time lobbyists in Washington, D.C. in order to promote adoption and encourage the relinquishment of infants. The National Council for Adoption is a private lobbying group whose members include twenty-eight adoption agencies and represents 3.5 percent of U.S. adoption agencies. The N.C.F.A. and three adoption agencies received $8.6 million from the federal treasury in October 2001 to promote adoption to pregnant women at health centers and clinics.

Many state laws encourage the adoption market by valuing the desires of the industry and prospective adoptive parents over the rights of the vulnerable expectant mother. In some states mothers are allowed to sign relinquishment papers BEFORE the infant is even born, others allow signatures immediately after birth ~ even while the mother is still suffering from the labor and delivery of her baby. A few states do require 24-48 hours after birth before a mother can sign relinquishment papers. States also have varied revocation periods. Some states are irrevocable immediatly after signing, others allow a mother to revoke their consent anywhere between 24 hours to 20 days after signing. Jane Edwards has a great post that sums up the different state adoption consent laws. If you have time to read them, there are many great comments on her post.

Sadly, the differences in the states adoption consent laws leads to more corruption. There are adoption agencies that bring mothers to states with less revocation time, to states that make it almost impossible for a father to stop the adoption of his own child. There have been attempts to make adoption federally regulated, but the argument against it has been that adoption is a state law issue. The American Adoption Congress has a great article "Why The Federal Government Must Regulate Adoption".

Are you doubtful that adoption agencies truly have an income exceeding one billion dollars a year? But what about the "non-profit" adoption agencies? In order to be a "non-profit", adoption agencies pay exorbitant salaries to their top executives. Take a look at this report showing some of the top executive compensations at adoption agencies. Granted, these amounts are from 2007 and 2008, the latest figures I could find. I am going to guess that the salaries in the following years were as high if not higher than these years.

In researching this subject, I found much more information than could possibly be used in one blog post. Here are some links to some more great articles I found:

Amanda recently wrote a great post about the money behind adoption "Dollars and $ense of Family Building: An Adult Adoptees Response". There are some great comments on this post that are worth reading also.

Infant Adoption is Big Business in America is an article I just found as I was finishing this post. If I hadn't already written this, I would have simply posted this article ~ it is excellent and far more thorough than what I have written here. It is worth the time it takes to read, I am adding it to my "Learn" page.

Who Cares If People Are Exploited By Adoption?

The Baby Business explores how large sums of money have led to corruption in many countries from which Americans adopt.

The Stork Market

When Children Become Commodities

2011-05-25T18:15:00.000-05:00

I received a comment on old post the other day. It has me thinking about open adoption, as well as adoption in general.

Open adoption is "sold" as better for those adopted as well as the natural families. But. Is it??

It would have been so wonderful to have been able to know that Christopher was alive and well, healthy and happy. I used to fantasize often that I had been able to find his parents and write letters back and forth with them. I often wished that I could have seen him throughout the years ~ been a bug on the wall to see what he looked like, to hear him laugh and talk. However, for myself, I really don't think I could have participated in a fully open adoption. I wanted to be a mom to my son. Since that wasn't possible, I had to completely shut myself off from my motherhood to survive life without him. If I had been told that I could not choose adoption without it being fully open, I would have chosen to raise my son. There is no way I could have been a part of his life yet not fully be his mother. A fully open adoption would have been like rubbing salt in an open wound. I can't imagine how much worse my anger at my parents would have been ~ to see the son whose life I was missing out on because I refused to raise him in that house. To have it in my face what my life could have been like (as a mother) if I had received one ounce of love or support (emotional, not financial) from my family. Of course, I will never know what the reality of open adoption would have been ~ maybe it would have been better... Who knows...

I can't speak for the adoptee side of open adoption. Chris' comments make me think about the reality of open adoption on the child growing up. Just as with everything in life, people react differently in similar situations. While I know there are some children thriving in their open adoption situations, there are also other children suffering, as in the case that sparked my post "First Family and Forever Family". There are probably just as many possible downfalls to open adoption as there are benefits for those adopted. There are just so many variances in experiences, so many differences in the natural and adoptive families, so many things that can change the effects of one open adoption to another.   Open adoption is only as good as the natural and adoptive families work together to make it. And yet, (this post) shows that even with great relationships between the families the reality can be painful for the child.

I don't think the question of open adoption being better or worse for the child growing up will ever really be answered. The problem isn't about which is better. I think the question needs to be "Is adoption truly necessary in this case?" Before it even gets to the point that a decision for open or closed adoption is necessary, every effort should be made to first help keep the original family intact. If a child is being born into a loving family safe from abuse or neglect, they don't need another family ~ they already have one. Adoption should not be looked at as an answer to temporary problems. Adoption should not be sold as "a loving choice" to mothers who love their child deeply and would give their right arm to raise her child, but is made to feel "less than" because of age, money, marital status, etc.  "First Family and Forever Family" is a great example of adoption being a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I'm not the only one blogging about open adoption today. For an adoptee's view on open adoption, go visit Amanda.

***************

I had a moment of panic when I first saw the comment from Chris. I still worry that my son may find this blog one day and think that I have this horribly depressing life because he was born. That is far from the reality of my life. I do not write here because my life is all "woe is me, I gave my son up for adoption". I write here now mostly to advocate for family preservation. In advocating for family preservation, I am not saying that I would deny my son one moment of the life he has lived. I am so very lucky that he has had a great life with a wonderful and loving family. I probably laugh much more in the course of one day than I am saddened by adoption loss in an entire month. The only place I "talk" about the effects of adoption in my life is here on this blog, and in the blogging/adoption forums. So of course if you only know me by this blog, you would think that adoption loss is my life. It is not. Despite having adoption in it, I have a wonderful life ~ with more blessings than I can count.

I never dreamed that anyone would want to read my rambling thoughts, my "therapy" of getting all of this out of my head. The therapy part of writing about adoption in my life was the main reason for starting this blog, but I also want this blog to be a place where an expectant mother considering adoption can find information regarding the truth of adoption loss and family preservation so she can make a fully informed decision for or against adoption.

Susie

I Hate This!

2011-05-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

I have had a question for Christopher and a debate with myself running through my brain for weeks now. I need to get it out of my head so that I don't send it to him in an email. This sucks. I hate feeling needy, being uncertain. I don't write these questions to get answers from anyone, I just need to get the words and worries in writing so they are no longer inside of me, driving me crazy. Yeah, right. *laughing* Like that will make a difference.

Do we need to talk?

Ughhhh... can you sound anymore pathetic?!? Way to lay on the guilt trip there mom.

But I just need to know if everything is ok. It's been so long since I have heard from him...

He's busy. He has a job that requires travel. He has two little ones, a wife, a home, lots of responsibilities.

But I've never gone this long without hearing from him.

Did I sense a tinge of awkwardness at his last visit? He was very short and quiet when I called him on Easter Sunday. Didn't answer my phone call on his birthday...

Quit imagining things that aren't there. You've done this before and the worry was for nothing.

Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this? Do I offer him some blogs, the adoptee forum as places to seek support online?

What if you are putting thoughts and issues into his head that aren't there?

If I don't email him tonight, how much longer do I wait?

For as long as it takes.

When Will May 8th Be Over??

2011-05-16T21:43:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to talk myself out of the funk I have been in since Christopher's birthday. Which landed on Mother's Day. Ughhh... I'm whining and I hate that.

I've been trying to stop ~~obsessing~~ thinking about Christopher and his silence. I've been failing. Miserably. Not that I need any reminders, but this morning the first song I heard as I woke up was "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick. The last verse always makes me think of this blog, it is the reason I started writing.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Tonight Suz had another great post. She put much of what I feel regarding Christopher's birthday into writing:

"It is a strange feeling, this straddling two worlds. In World One I am a mother that is recognized and in World Two I am not. I exist in both worlds and yet I feel incomplete in each one simultaneously.

...I reflected on that today as I thought about mothers like me often have the reverse problem, or perhaps the same problem, only slightly in reverse. We are also wiped away, disappeared at the time of separation. We go on, in many cases, as we once were. We suppress the memory of our child and we go along with the great charade of society and pretend we are not a mother. Then one day, upon reunion, whether it be our doing or forced upon us, some person tells us that person that we denied DOES exist and damn, they want to know that person....

...Other mothers like me, we embrace that existence, but really, we don’t know how to live that life, particularly when so many continue to deny it. It is the stuff psychological disorders are made of. Multiple personalities. Dissociation.

Sure, my mother and my sister and my friends acknowledged me today, but did my daughter? No. Do her parents? No. Does society? No. So where do I go?

I guess I'm hoping that by getting all of this out here, I can get rid of this nagging desire to write to Christopher. To say more than I should. Another catch-22 ~ so much I wish he could know, that I pray that he never finds out.

I have avoided writing too much here on my blog because I'm still scared that Christopher may find it somehow. I don't want him to know how much I hurt. I don't want to scare him away. It's not his fault, I don't want him taking my pain onto himself. All of this pain and loss from one bad decision made when I was barely 15 years old. Seems like an awful high price to pay...

Why can't society see the deep scars left by adoption?

Susie
P.S.

I think that his job has him only an hour away again this week. So close... So far away...

It is the stuff psychological disorders are made of.

Family Preservation, Not Anti-Adoption

2011-05-13T15:51:00.000-05:00

What Is Family Preservation?

Family Preservation began in the 1890s, and in the 1909 White House Conference on Children it was the top ranked issue. The movement was started to help keep children at home with their families. Before this, children were often taken out of homes if parents did not make enough income to support them. Many of the leading authorities of this time period argued that extreme poverty was reason enough to break up a family. Support for family preservation can be traced back to the Orphan Train movement.
Family Preservation has been seeing resurgence in the last decades. Just a couple of the more recent organizations to take on this issue are Origins-USA and The American Adoption Congress Other signs of the growth of the Family Preservation movement are seen in the positions held by The United Nations, UNICEF, The UN CRC, the Hague Convention on International Adoption, and Save the Children - all of which call for family preservation first, then kinship care and stranger adoption as a last resort - with international adoption the very last resource after no domestic adoption can be found.

Does being for Family Preservation mean I am Anti-Adoption?

No. I am not naive enough to believe that adoption will ever be unnecessary. There are some women (and men) who truly have no desire to be parents. Unfortunately, there are also parents who cannot overcome their addictions to alcohol and/or drugs, there are those who are with a violent partner and cannot break the hold their abusers have on them, or are themselves abusers. Only in the cases of abuse or neglect, or the lack of desire to parent a child do I feel adoption should be necessary. I believe that father's have just as much right to raise their child as the mother does. If a mother chooses to not parent her child, the father still has every right to raise the child.
I don't like the term "anti-adoption", as it is used with such deep negativity. "Anti-adoption" brings the attention to someone who is perceived as bitter or angry instead of being about the best interest of children and their families. There are some who see "anti-adoption" as being the extreme viewpoint that supports each and every mother raising their child. In reality, I don't think that even the most extreme "anti-adoption" advocates would support every mother keeping her child no matter the danger involved for the child.

In Cases Where Adoption Must Exist ~ I Am Pro-Adoption Reform

I am against the billions of dollars per year profits that adoption agencies see. Take a look at the top salaries in the adoption industry and tell me they are truly not-for-profit companies. The adoption industry also spends millions of dollars every year researching how to best convince mothers to give their children up for adoption.
I am against coerced adoptions. It is impossible to list each and every way coercion exists ~ I consider adoption to be coerced if a mother is made to feel unworthy of being a parent when compared to an adoptive family. It is coercive to tell a mother she is too young or too poor to raise her child. Using the fact that the mother will be a single parent to feel "less than capable" of being a mother is also coercive. I consider pre-birth matching to be coercive. I consider the use of the label "birth mother" when referring to a pregnant woman who is considering adoption to be coercive. I consider it coercive when a mother is not given any information regarding the life-long effects of adoption on her child, herself, her extended families, etc. An un-informed choice is not a choice. If there is no alternative given other than adoption, there is no choice. There must be something else to choose in order to make a choice.
I believe that we need to raise public awareness of the realities of the effects of adoption on all involved.
I believe in the right to identifying information for all adopted persons and their birth and adoptive families through records access (adoption papers, original birth certificates).
I believe that all states need to legalize open adoption agreements.

I am not alone in my adoption reform ideas. Here are just a few links for more information:

http://www.pear-now.org/
http://www.cubirthparents.org/personalhist.html
http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/mission.php

Many states also have their own adoption reform groups. Google "adoption reform" with the name of your state to find more information.

Mother's Day/Birthday Blues

2011-05-10T17:03:00.000-05:00

As expected, May 8th was really tough this year. It was not only Mother's Day, but it was also Christopher's 32nd birthday. The two hardest days of the year for me, rolled into one!

As much as I try to not get my hopes up, my heart can't help but daydream about a phone call that begins with "Happy Mother's Day Mom!" from my firstborn. And of course that dream phone call would end with "Bye Mom ~ Love ya".

So. When the day came and went with no acknowledgement of Mother's Day at all from him, and my phone call to tell him Happy Birthday unanswered... Well, let's just say it wasn't a good night once my raised kids and their kids went home and I was left with my thoughts returning to Christopher again.

(I did have a wonderful evening with my raised kids and their kids. My daughter made a beautiful handmade gift that represented ALL of my kids. It is a sculptured tree with birthstone crystals representing all of the kids and grandkids. It's shiny and it sparkles in the sunshine ~ photos don't do it justice or I would post one. Maybe I can talk my talented daughter into getting a great photo of it for me...)

The rest of the night was spent in a pity-party and a half bottle of tequila's worth of margaritas. I prayed to be able to go back into the adoption closet, take a trip back up that wonderful river of Denial. To go to that place where I again was not "really" a mother to Christopher, did not feel the intense pain of the loss of him. I thought that if he didn't want me in his life, I should just accept that and step back and out of reunion. Yesterday was a doozy of a May 8th hangover (more emotional than alcohol induced) ~ to say I was a bit crabby would be putting it mildly.

Last night I was reading some of the last emails I received from Christopher. I hadn't realized that the last one he sent was before his last visit on April 21st. It was just six weeks ago that he had met his siblings, nieces and nephews for the first time, two weeks since he came back for a second visit.

I wish that I could call him and ask him how he's doing. I wish we could just sit down together and honestly talk about everything. I hate to speculate on what he may be thinking about all of this, but it has got to be so very difficult. I try to imagine what he could be going through, what parts of this reunion would be hardest for him. I think one of the things would be the difference between his two families.

Our family gets together often, not just for holidays and birthdays. It's not unusual for me to get home from work and find a grandkid or two at the house just hanging out, or for me to get a phone call from my daughter or son saying that their family is coming over for dinner just because. It is usually noisy and chaotic when we are together, from laughter, talking, kids playing, my youngest son antagonizing his nieces and nephew. We just love being together, and don't need a reason to get together.

I don't think his adoptive family gets together very often, unless it's for a holiday or other special occasion, or if it's been a while since his parents have seen the grandkids. Christopher doesn't get along very well with his sister, so they don't see each other often either.

After realizing all of this last night, I began to (thankfully) get out of my pity-party mood. I looked at how far our reunion has come in the last year. Just one year ago I hadn't even met Christopher in person yet, nor did he have any desire to. Just short of seven weeks ago he hadn't met his siblings and their families yet. I am so very lucky that my dream of having ALL of my children together in one room has come true ~ twice!

As I went to bed last night ~ counting my blessings instead of focusing on what I thought I didn't have ~ I had a great nights sleep.

Today I received my "Daily Truth" email and it was again so very appropriate.

Our relationship IS growing ~ slowly but surely. It may be growing slower than I want it to ~ but it is happening.

There IS so much fabulousness wrapped up inside of every stop of this difficult, long journey of reunion. I have learned so much about myself. I have "met" some wonderful people in my quest to heal from the loss of my son. Through an online forum for mothers, I have been a part of keeping a mother and her child together so that they won't ever know the pain of adoption loss. Through that same forum I have been a voice of truth regarding adoption loss for other mothers as well as prospective and adoptive mothers. I have come to "know" some amazing adoptees and other mothers through their blogs. If not for everything I have learned from my online friends, I can't imagine where I would be on this journey of adoption loss and reunion. I am so very thankful for all of them.

I am thankful for this Daily Truth ~ pushing me even further out of my May 8th funk!

I wish it wasn't so hard to get lost in the pain and grief of adoption loss. Will that hole in my heart ever really be filled? I dont' think so...

Birthmother's Day... Is Nothing to Celebrate

2011-05-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

Today I will not be celebrating "Birthmother's Day". I have never celebrated the fact that I am a birthmother. (I also don't care for that title, but that's an entire post in itself.)

I have been working on this post for days. I have written and re-written and erased more paragraphs than I can remember.

Instead I'm just going to link to others who have written what I want to say, but can't find the words.

Cassie again speaks the words of my heart and soul when it comes to adoption loss. If you haven't already read her post "Here We Go Again", you should go read it. Be sure to read the comments too, they are as important as the post. They are proof of the deep seated lies in societies beliefs about adoption. They are proof that the adoption industry has been successful in their multi-million dollar research on how to turn a tragedy (a mother and child, a family, being separated) into something that is viewed as a "loving" action.

Lorraine has two posts about this. The comments on the first post lead to the second post.

Amanda writes about Birthmother's Day from an adoptees perspective.

My favorite post declares "Screw Birthmother's Day!". And Claud is doing that in high style ~ with all three of her children being together for the day.

I should leave this post on the high note of Claud's post. However, this last link shows the true pain of adoption loss and the belief by many that because a mother has given a child up for adoption she is no longer a mother. The adoption industry and this so-called day of celebration kills the heart and soul of many mothers. Those who believe that it takes more than biology to make a mother are responsible for this young woman's heartache. My heart breaks for Candace. I pray that she will one day be able to say that even though she is not parenting her beloved son, she is still one of his mothers. She is his first mother. Without her, he would not be.

To everyone living without a child because of adoption ~

You are a part of your child

Your child is a part of you

Your child is OF you

Happy Mother's Day

2011-04-24T07:00:00.001-05:00

Heartbreaking Rejection In Reunion

2011-04-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

There have been some heartbreaking posts lately on some of the adoption related blogs that I follow.

A daughter rejected ~ with a half-piece of paper torn from a legal pad.

A daughter pondering how long the relationship with her father will be kept a secret. Wondering if her mother ~ his wife ~ will ever accept her or tell her full siblings about her.

Another daughter wondering if pursuing a relationship with her father will jeopardize her relationship with her mother, while worrying about how and when to tell her adoptive parents that she is in contact with her natural parents.

A mother who has been fully rejected by her daughter ~ the mother was told to not call, write, communicate in any way.

I am so very, very, blessed to have a successful reunion with my firstborn son. I am so very blessed that my son did indeed get the wonderful family and childhood I dreamed of for him. I am so very glad that Christopher went from only wanting medical and family history in the beginning to wanting to know me and his siblings.

Even though our adoption journeys would probably be described as being great ones, it does not make up for the deep loss and grief that I have lived with for almost 32 years now. I cannot imagine how much harder healing from the adoption loss would be, if my son had rejected me in reunion. My heart stops at the thought of it.

It absolutely breaks my heart when I read stories from the mothers, fathers, and adoptees who are rejected in reunion.

I completely understand why some mothers are unable to fully embrace reunion. At the same time ~ I will never understand how a mother could reject her child... for the second, or third, or final time.

As hard as it was to do the work necessary to come out of the adoption closet, to come out of the fog, it would have been so much harder to lose precious contact with my son again. I have loved my son since before he was born. Denial kept me from knowing the full depth of the love I had for Christopher. Reunion opened my heart, and I have only grown to love him more over these last couple of years. I truly love him no less than the children I raised. I am so blessed that I was able to open my heart, instead of closing it like some mothers have. My heart breaks for those mothers and for their children.

When I read the words of adoptees rejected, I cannot help but feel I myself am to blame for a part of their grief. (I just cannot get my thoughts on this into coherant written words ~ so frustrating.) I don't mean responsible for one certain adoptee's personal grief, but in the general grief felt by any adoptee. My part ~ in believing the sunshine and rainbows myths, in believing the "blank slate" theory, in choosing adoption for my own firstborn son, and then by staying silent for decades about the truth of the depth of adoption loss, I feel that I was a part of the "adoption is wonderful" culture. It is that culture that refuses to acknowledge the loss that adoption is built on. It is that culture that keeps parents and children separated and unable to reunite.

A mother unable to see that society was wrong for putting labels on her when she was young and pregnant. A mother unable to face her past because of the stigma that society put on her. A mother unable to tell her raised children, or husband, or parents, about the child she gave up because of the deep-seated shame she took onto herself as an unwed mother. Sadly, these stigmas are still put on unmarried mothers, on mother's deemed to be too young, or too poor.

The ones given up for adoption who are unable to embrace their natural family in reunion ~ out of anger, or fear, or loyalty...

As I was typing these last words, wondering where I am going with this rambling post. Wondering why I have been thinking so often lately about those suffering in rejection, a song I haven't heard for a long time came on. It speaks to the grief felt by those whose love is not returned...

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't

I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

My heart goes out to all who have been rejected in reunion. I pray that one day the closed hearts of those you love are able to be opened. As this song so beautifully says, we can't make anyone love us. All we can do is learn to love ourselves, and be true to our own hearts. Even if that means loving someone who can't/won't love or show love in return.

Susie

Stop Shorstein Network

2011-04-19T14:43:00.000-05:00

I post today to help spread the word about a class-action lawsuit against Shorstein Advocacy Group for using coercion and fraud when soliciting expectant mothers.

From Pound Pup Legacy:

Shorstein, a lawyer in Florida known as the "adoption kingpin" is now being sued in Florida courts for using coercion and fraud when soliciting first parents.

He has been known to make promises of open adoption to first parents, and the adoptions quickly close within 3 years-5 years. The significance of this time frame, is that in most cases, it is five years that a person is able to file a lawsuit within the limit of statues time frame. In other words, contact is discontinued at a the pivotal time that first parents have to reinforce their rights.

And sometimes there is a miracle. Now, all mothers and fathers who have been coerced by Michael Shorstein or who have gone through First Coast Adoption Professionals and had Kathleen Stevens as the counselor can now seek relief. All people, regardless of when the adoption happened can now stand up for their rights and join a class action lawsuit against Shorstein and the agency.

Please pass this message along to any person who may have been affected by these people. We want all people who have been made promises to be able to stand up and join this lawsuit. For parents who are new, and whose open adoption is still open, this is your chance to make sure it does not close.

From Stop Shorstein Advocacy Group:

The Stop Shorstein Network Is Looking For Families Who Lost Their Children To Fraudulent Adoption Practices In Florida!

The Stop Shorstein Network needs to contact families who have been coerced into signing away their rights to their child(ren) by Shorstein. Hundreds of families have been victimized. Please join with us. Together we can create change.

Were promises made to you that were false and damaging?
Did you sign legal documents under false pretenses?
Were you manipulated, coerced, or tricked?
Have they made excuse after excuse for failing to follow through with their promises?
Have you been denied the relationship with your children that you were promised?
Have you and your children been harmed and damaged?

You aren't alone in your pain. Please connect with us today.

email: reunite@stopshorstein.info

2011-04-10T21:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I have made the time to write anything here. Part of the reason is that I am so very happy with how things are turning out on my adoption reunion journey. Another reason is that I am finally comfortable with who I have become after reunion. It is so freeing to be able to get rid of the secrets. To be able to stand on the hilltops and tell the world that I have four children, not three. I am able to live an authentic life, not a life of lies. The truth did set me free ~ in many ways. It has been a rough road ~ finding myself again ~ but it was certainly a journey worth starting.

In believing the reasons that helped me make the choice to give my son up for adoption, I didn't realize that I was also taking on some pretty big beliefs about myself as a person. Beliefs that didn't stay related just to my decision for adoption. I took them onto my entire self, my entire being.

It has taken me more than two years to shed some of the lies I had told myself for decades. To shed some of the lies that I allowed others to put onto me. Lies that I took fully onto myself, so much so that they became Truth. Truths that were so deeply believed I still find myself beginning to put them back on, like an old comfy sweatshirt.

Society told me I wasn't good enough to be a mother. I believed I wasn't good enough. I often heard that I was stupid as I was growing up ~ becoming pregnant at 15 proved to me that it was true. Society told me I was sinful for having sex outside of marriage. Society told me I wasn't worthy to be a mother, while prospective adoptive parents were wonderful, capable, married couples who were more than ready to be parents. I wasn't married, old enough, rich, or ready enough... I simply wasn't enough.

These last couple of years spent trying to find myself again have let me realize that I was and am good enough, smart enough. I am worthy of everything I have denied myself for years. I. am. enough.

Take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones that have been told to you.
a
Maya Angelou

It has taken my much more than a day. It has taken more than two years. I'm not sure that the lies will ever be completely gone. When a young woman is made to feel unworthy in order for the adoption industry to procure another child, it doesn't just ensure a choice for adoption ~ it effects her entire life. But mothers aren't told that when they are considering adoption. That's just one of the things that mothers find out after it's too late...

Adoption Reunion Story by A Raised Sibling

2011-03-31T17:01:00.000-05:00

Today I have a "guest blogger" of sorts! My daughter started off writing a Thank-You letter to the Search Angel who made the reunion with Christopher possible. The "Thank You" ended up being a beautiful short story of sorts that she sent to Christopher and I. After asking each of them for permission to post it, I wanted to share it with all of you. In the original letter, she referred to his "real" name ~ the name his parents gave him. To keep his privacy, she changed it to "Chris" so I could post it here.

Adoption Reunion Story by A Raised Sibling

My two younger brothers and I grew up in a very idealistic world. I had both my parents,
two younger brothers, grandparents and an aunt and uncle just blocks away from us. My
other set of grandparents lived about 20 minutes away but we saw them often along with
the various uncles, aunts, and cousins from that side of the family.

We lived on a cul-de-sac street full of children our ages as well as a few childless
couples who were always happy to entertain us. (Well, except for that one old guy next
door, but the use of his garden as playground by all us neighborhood children may have
contributed to his sometimes crabby bark.) My mother stayed home with us and
operated a home daycare for a few years; when she was working outside of our home
we always had our maternal grandmother there.

I have a terrible memory; most of it is in bits and glimmers but the ones that are there
are so vivid, so much like a fairy tale.

Growing up I had no idea how lucky I was, I thought every child had princess tea parties
on the front porch, complete with mini sandwiches and lemonade made by Grandma. I
thought every child had a band of recorders, mini keyboards, and oatmeal container
drums (we “performed” in the tree house my father built, charging .25 to listen to our
beautiful music and eat some Oreos we’d borrowed from my kitchen). I thought every
child had a park just blocks away, a cul-de-sac to play baseball or hopscotch in, a
neighbor with unlocked doors and a freezer full of homemade popsicles just for us, and
the ability to pick flowers for their teacher on the short walk to school. I thought every
child was welcomed home at the end of the day with hugs from Grandma, cartoons, and
cookies fresh from the bakery where Grandpa worked. I thought everyone’s mom
sewed them custom skirts and leggings. I thought everyone’s dad built tree houses and
teeter-totters and hand painted holiday decorations. It seemed natural that every girl
would have porcelain dolls from her Grandma G’s trips overseas and a small town to
visit where they could walk and play for hours without fear of strangers. I was sure that
everyone had great holidays like mine (we shared one meal with my mothers family,
complete with holiday themed decorations and treats from Grandma; then another
meal with my Grandma G and Grandpa G where I had so many cousins that I had
to write it out on paper to be sure I wasn’t missing anyone when I counted them up.)
It wasn’t until we were discussing the “typical American childhood” in a college class that
I realized just how lucky I was. I was stunned to find out that my experience was nothing
like most of my classmates, that they would have given anything to have a childhood like
that. Funny how we don’t see how blessed we are sometimes. I certainly didn’t when I
was a child; I just thought it was all normal. I thought I was a normal happy little girl. Until
I morphed, that is.

Enter teenage angst. I wasn’t the friendliest teenage girl on the block; in fact, the
friendliest teenage girl on the block lived 2 houses down from me and in comparison I
was a vicious brat. So the day I went snooping in my mothers closet and found a manila
envelope labeled “Christopher” I thought I had hit pay dirt. A secret child? A lie told to me
all my life? (I know, what a terrible way to see the news of an older brother given up for
adoption. I am ashamed to admit now that I felt that way, but I’m trying to be honest with
a fragile topic here.)

Even more shameful is that I used the information to deliver a blow
to my mother. We were fighting one day, who knows about what, typical teenage
daughter versus at-her-whits-end mother stuff. When my mother accused me of lying
about something I threw my new information at her face. “At least I didn’t lie to you that
you were the oldest child all these years! I know about Christopher, and not telling me is
the same as lying to me!” When the words came out, it felt good. It felt good to have
something to say back to my mom when I was in the wrong and unable to admit it. It felt
good to finally admit that I knew about him. …........Then I looked at her face. I will never
in my life feel more shame than I did in that moment. I had hurt my mother to the core. I
may as well have opened her chest and stabbed a thousand tiny needles in her heart.
She sent me to my room and I went without a fight.

A few days later my mom sat me down to talk. She told me a story about a young girl, a
crazy decision, and a shocking realization. She told me about the options presented to
her and about the anguish of saying goodbye to a child she might never meet again. She
told me about years spent wondering. Years spent worrying and hoping and dreading all
at the same time. She told me the story, and then she asked me to keep it secret for her,
she still accepted his conception as shame- a feeling our society still pushes on young
mothers to this day unfortunately.

For a few years I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about my older brother.
During those years I was part of two peer groups. One from my school, full of brilliant
minds and days spent in a local coffee shop drinking coffee and debating for hours over
which approach to take on a mathematical problem from our honors class or breaking
down theories from our biotechnology class. Then there was the other group. This one
was from my otherwise really good neighborhood, full of corrupted minds and days spent
sitting around doing nothing and skirting encounters with the police and parents.
Unfortunately, I spent more time with the neighborhood crowd out of convenience. I
allowed the boys in that group to treat me like an object; to talk to me as if I had no
feelings or thoughts, and to make decisions for me. Looking back I realize that I must
have known the situation was not good for me- because I spent all that time fantasizing
about my brother. Not about who he was or where he was, but about him somehow
finding us and coming in to save me from the fools I hung out with. Why I didn’t think to
save myself I’ll never know.

Well, time moves on, and my brother didn’t find himself magically transported to our
house and into our lives. Eventually I quit thinking about him as much; I had much more
pressing things to think about from the age of 16 on. You see, I had a baby of my own.
Because of the anguish my mother had been through, she didn’t encourage adoption.
She didn’t outright say no to it, instead she and my father just said that I would have to
work harder now. I would finish high school and go to college, and I would be taking care
of a child along the way. There was never any question of it- it was just a fact of life. So I
did finish high school, and I am proud to say I finished with honors while still taking my
advanced classes in math and science. And I graduated a semester early so I could
jump right into nursing school. I had dreamed of being a doctor but for some reason I set
up my mind to believe that tiny bumps in the road were equal to mountains and I limited
myself. It turns out this was a wonderful choice, though, as I am now on my way to
finishing my Masters degree and being a Nurse Midwife. I’ll work in the same context as
an OBGYN doctor, but with more freedom to give my patients a natural and whole birth
experience. Oh, and between that age of 16 and now, between letting go of one dream
and embracing another, between a marriage and a divorce, between an achingly painful
loss and beautiful additions to life- I had 4 more children, all girls. It’s been a crazy
decade! So I think it is understandable why I didn’t devote too much time to daydreaming
about a lost siblings return. I thought of him, of course, but I no longer dreamed of him
coming to save me- I was too busy saving myself.

So I was shocked when my mother came to me 2 years ago with a disk labeled “Chris”.
She had decided that it was time to quit letting her fears dominate her thoughts of her
son and to look for him to find answers and closure. She had found that society’s idea of
what should be her shame was grossly incorrect, and she was ready to find her son and
to tell the world of his existence and their story. This is where the miracle woman comes
into play. (I originally started writing this as a letter to her to let her know how much of a
difference her volunteer work does, and then realized there was too much to say and so
many people in my life that I wanted to share it all with.)

My mother posted on an adoption reunion board with her information. My brother posted
on an entirely different adoption reunion board with his information. This miracle woman,
this adoption angel, saw the similarities in their posts and sent them an email. It seems
she does this in her spare time, trying to help people reunite. Imagine how many families
must be in touch now because of her. Families who could have gone the rest of their
lives thinking the other didn’t want to find them when in reality they were just posting on
different message boards. Obviously I like to write, I love literature and language; but
this is one of those times when I dislike the English language. Because the words
“Thank You” are just not deep enough, large enough, or sincere enough to say what I
want to say to her.

So my mother had been talking to Chris via email for a while (a few months maybe?)
before she had built up the courage to tell us kids about her discovery. I don’t know for
sure, but based on the emails she sent me during that time I think she was worried that
we kids would feel slighted by her search- as though we weren’t enough for her.
I never felt that way- I knew how much the unanswered questions and
the fears pulled at her heart. I understood her need to find him and know he was okay, to
know she hadn’t made a terrible choice all those years ago.

I have to admit here that I had very mixed feelings about the reunion as far as myself
and Chris went. I was so happy for my mom, but I just couldn’t find it in myself to see
him as my brother. My brothers were those boys who I babysat when I didn’t want to.
The ones who I had funny stories and inside jokes to share with. The ones who made
me laugh, and cry, and fume, and worry. The ones who I spent my entire childhood with.
How do you see a stranger as important as those you grew up with? When talking about
him to my friends, I would usually stumble on what label to use. Sometimes I called him
my moms oldest son, sometimes I called him my half-brother, other times I’d just say
“my brother, kind of”. I just couldn’t figure out how to give him the same label as my two
(sometimes annoying but very wonderful) little brothers.

Despite that conflict of heart, I chatted with him via email, IM, and fb messages because
I was curious to know how he was. I liked him right away. He is an artist, making
beautiful pieces of pottery- one of which sits in prominence in my kitchen to this day. He
is married and has two adorable little children. He is nice and funny and he thinks my
photography is beautiful. So I guess for a while there I saw him as a really cool cousin
type person, or a good friend who had a past history with my mother. I didn’t feel any
negative feelings about him; I just didn’t understand how to fit him into my idea of my
immediate family.

Well... things change. So do feelings and understanding. Chris called me about a month
ago to let me know that he was going to be working near our hometown and that he was
ready to meet us siblings. He had met my mother in person a few months back, and she
had been giving him hints that she’d like him to come here to meet us. (Knowing my
mother, the hints were not very subtle!) But he had one condition, he wanted to surprise
mom. So we planned a surprise dinner at my parents’ house and carried it out this past
Thursday.

I won’t go through the entire evening, but I will share the results. I had thought the
meeting would be great for our mom, and that it would be nice to finally meet Chris in
person. I had no idea that I would go home that night knowing that I had gained an older
brother. I had no idea that I would see a photo of us together the next day and realize
that it was complete. As I said before, I had a wonderful childhood and I am not saying it
was not complete- but looking at that picture of the four of us just seems right. It feels
like I had put this puzzle together long ago and had thought it was great. But I hadn’t
noticed that a piece was missing until someone put it into place. I looked at that picture
of us for so long, stunned at the feeling of wholeness.

A funny thing happened in the course of that evening. I quit trying to figure out how Chris
fit in. I didn’t have to figure it out, because there was nothing to figure out. He just fit. We
all fit. In the course of a few hours I went from stumbling over “my brother, kind of” to just
“my brother” when talking about Chris to my friends. Because he might not have grown
up with us, he might have his own history and a whole different family- but he is still my
brother. I spent years knowing I had an older brother out there somewhere, and then I
spent a few years knowing I had an older brother living only a few hours and an email
away. But he was always this abstract concept. Now he is real, he is a part of our lives,
and I look forward to getting to know him better and to sharing the coming years with
him.

I think all our lives are changed for the better from that night, and it all goes back to one
woman and her desire to help strangers reunite and to my brothers’ courage and his
desire to meet his siblings. Thank you doesn’t say enough, but it is all I have. So Thank
You to my moms’ adoption angel. You are a beautiful person. And thank you to my
brother Chris; I think our family has a beautiful future waiting for us.

March 24, 2011 ~ The Surprise of My Life!!

2011-03-27T20:50:00.001-05:00

A day that at one time I thought would never happen. All of my kids ~ together ~ in one place!

Last Thursday I came home from work and saw my daughters van in the driveway. Nothing unusual. Then I saw my son & his wife's car. Still not too unusual, but they usually tell me they are coming. The grandkids were all playing outside so I went to visit them for a while. As I was walking to the little ones on the swingset, I was joking with them asking why they were here. One of the three year olds said "We are surprising you!" I told her she sure did surprise me. Then one of the others said that mom and dad were making dinner for me too.

As I was walking into the house, I was thinking that it doesn't get much better than this ~ I get to see all my grandkids and don't even have to cook dinner. I assumed they would be fixing something quick and easy, but all four of them were working in the kitchen, cooking a really good dinner, making it even better. There was even dessert!

I took the baby, who was one month old that day. (My kids made that out to be the reason they came over, so my daughters kids could see the new little one as they have only seen him a few times.) A few minutes later I was in the living room secretly helping one of my youngest granddaughters rock the baby (she had been told she had to wait till after dinner) when daddy came in and without saying anything took his baby from her. I said "uh oh ~ we are busted!". I turned around to head into the kitchen to see how things were going, got about two steps and saw Christopher had walked into the house!!!

I could not believe my eyes! I thought I was going to have a heart attack my heart was beating so fast!

Christopher travels for work, was working only about an hour away from us last week When he found out about a month ago that he would be so close, he called the kids to plan a surprise visit. It was a surprise all right! I had NO clue anything was going on at all. I later found out that almost everyone knew, even everyone at work.

It was so amazing to see him in our house, so wonderful to see my children meet each other for the first time. There was LOTS of laughter, talking, comparing, and photo taking. It is so unbelievable how much he resembles my raised kids, how well they all got along ~ from the very first moment. There was not one uncomfortable minute, for anyone. From the minute he walked in the house it was as though he belonged here.

Christopher even brought his school-years scrapbook. I finally got to see photos of him as a child. The youngest photo was his preschool photo at 5 years old, all the way through his high school graduation. Many keepsakes, handmade treasures from elementary school.

It was the most amazing evening in my entire life! Four glorious hours that will never be forgotten.

About an hour after Christopher left, I sent him a text saying that I hoped his travels were coming to a safe end. He replied that he had just arrived, and that he forgot to get his scrapbook. Just as I was thinking that I would mail it to him, I was reading the rest of his text message. "I will get it when I come back next month."

My heart stopped. I couldn't believe that he was already planning on a return trip. I found myself wondering what I have ever done to deserve this.

To be one of the lucky ones whose child, lost to adoption, wants to be a part of their first families lives.

I am so very blessed, so very happy, so very complete.

Thursday, March 24, 2011 was a dream come true.

New Design!

2011-03-14T21:39:00.001-05:00

I totally did not plan on re-designing my blog! I stumbled across the Shabby Blogs website, and remembered that whenever I visit Linda's blog I want to check it out. I found myself lost in browsing through all her fun stuff, watching tutorials, and playing with my blog.

Through Shabby Blogs, I found FotoFlexer.com too. What a mistake! It is so cool and so much fun, I didn't realize how much time I had wasted there.

That's it for tonight. Just some fun creative time for once ~ I haven't done that for a long time!

Susie