Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

Watch this.  It's a powerful video.

Thanks Peach for posting this.  

Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

A Light Through The Darkness of Adoption Loss

Artwork from Ordinary Courage

I know I've been quiet lately.  I have been focusing on the good in my life, making brighter my "light from within".

I am so thankful for everyone and everything that has helped me find that light after being lost in the dark of adoption loss for so very, very long. 

The one who has made the biggest difference in my life at this stage is Christopher's mom.  I cannot put into words how much brighter my world became by meeting and being fully accepted by her. 

Lately in adopto-land there has been much written about adoptive parents keeping the natural mothers and families away from their children (infants to adults).  If they could only know, if only some would care, what a difference they could make in the loss and grief felt by those who lose loved-ones in adoption. 

A mother of adoption loss has no idea what life is actually going to be like without her child.  It should be expected that the moms are going to have a hard time, that she's going to be grieving.  That grief should not scare away the adoptive parents. 

I would hope that it would have them instead showing some compassion.  

I would hope that it would have the adoptive parents wanting to help ease the moms heart and mind.  Instead, I see so many cases where the adoptive family turns their back on the mother turning the blame back onto that mother.  They tell themselves and others that the mother wasn't "going on with her life" or some such crap.  They excuse away the true reasons they are uncomfortable in the face of the grief. 

By turning away from the mother (and father, siblings, extended family), they are only adding to the grief and loss.  Nothing will take away the grief, but many things will certainly add to it!  A letter, a note, some photos and/or videos, promised visits can go so far in helping a mother cope with the grief and loss of a child to adoption.  Keeping communication open will help her find acceptance and help her see that her child has loving parents who only want the best for the child.

One of my on-line friends has been shut out of her child's life.  The adoptive parents have pulled far away from the open adoption that was promised.  Leaving a mother, father, and sibling heart-broken.  Yes, the adoptive familiy would have to face the grief of this left-behind family ~ but in facing the grief they could relieve a lot of it too.  I just can't imagine being the kind of person who couldn't open my heart to help another out of their grief.  A small act by the adoptive family could have an enormous effect on the family left behind.  How can they deny that?  I will never understand. 

Not only is an adoptive family hurting the natural family left behind, they are hurting the very child they claim to love. 

The denial of adoptive parents does not take away the importance of or the need of those adopted to know their first chapter.  It only builds upon the loss and makes it even greater. 

If you have adopted or are planning on adopting and 

won't understand and honor the place of the 

natural family in your child's life ~ then please don't adopt. 

It's pretty simple really.  I don't understand what is so hard about it.  A child doesn't just appear out of nowhere.  A child is born to a mother, created by that mother and a father.  The story behind the conception and/or birth doesn't matter ~ the story doesn't change the simple fact that a child is born to two people and their families (past, present, and future). 

A child being given up for adoption and adopted by another family doesn't take away their first, biological, natural family ~ it only adds more family. 

If you have or are planning on adopting and you can't accept the fact that your child has another family, then you aren't offering your child unconditional love.  You are putting conditions on their very existence. 

As adoptive parents, you have the ability to make the choice for adoption either bearable or something that breaks a person.  

I am so very happy and thankful that Christopher got a mother and father who adopted out of love.  They never denied their daughter and son their beginnings.  They never denied my relationship with our son.  I was accepted into open arms and with a loving heart.  By openly accepting me as a part of their son's life, they have showed me love.  Love that allowed the light within me to grow stronger. 

The light of their love and acceptance of me shines brightly 

through the darkness of the loss of my son to adoption.  

I wish all mothers of adoption loss could know that love and acceptance. 

I wish that all adoptive parents would act out of love and not fear.  

For their own sake, for the natural families and for their adopted loved ones. 

I Need To Decide ~ Am I Going To Chicago?

Click here to learn more about the demonstration!

I really, REALLY want to go.  I have been excited about it ever since I learned that the demonstration was going to be in Chicago this year. 

Some of  the friends I have met in adopto-land have become a huge part of my life through the healing I have found with them.  I think it would be so amazing to meet them "in real life". 


What's holding me back?  I hate to admit that one of the big things is explaining to my hubby that I want to go on a road trip to meet a bunch of people I only know through cyber-space.  Another thing is that although I think this could be a huge healing step, I also have that fear of the "Fessler Effect" as Suz calls it.  Being in the midst of so many people who get it? Who get me because of the adoption loss?  *sigh*  That thought is as amazing as it is frightening for me. 

But.  I really, REALLY want to go!  I just need the final push to make that decision. 

So...

Who's going?

When are you arriving?

How long are you staying?

Adoption Loss & Grief. It's Forever.

I have been enjoying a wonderful few weeks adoption-wise.  Long enough to have me off guard, totally surprised by the slap back into the reality of living with adoption loss.

I suppose it probably started the other day when I first learned of that new show on TLC.  I didn't watch it, I could barely read about it on fb and in blog-land.

This morning as I was washing my hair, I had a sudden remembered snippet of a dream during the night.  A hug, that felt so real.  A hug that included a whisper in my ear "I love you"...  Three precious words I have yet to hear from the son I couldn't raise.

I feel that there was a lot more to the dream, but the hug and whisper are all I remember.

I can't wait till that dream comes true...

In the mean time, I find myself lost in thought and sadness today.

Even though.  Even though things are going well in my reunion.  Even though I am so blessed in my life in so many ways.

That's just the reality of living with the loss of a child to adoption.  No matter how long you have lived with the loss ~ it never goes away.  No matter if you are reunited or if your relationship with your lost son/daughter is going well.  The loss is there.  The grief is tremendous.  The hole in my heart is still there.  

I wish that the mothers considering adoption on that damned show could feel in their hearts what my heart feels 33 years later.  I wish that the mothers considering adoption on that damned show could feel in their hearts what some of my adopted friends feel in their hearts (even the ones who did get a great adoptive family!).  Why is it that only the joy of the adopters is taken into consideration in adoption?  Why isn't the life-long loss and grief acknowledged, much less understood? 

Danielle wrote a post a while ago about the life long grief that comes from losing a child to adoption.  It's a fabulous post, as usual, you should go read it in full if you can.  Here is just a part of what she says that rings so true for me today:

I will always live with this. It is a huge part of who I am.  It always will be. 

I will always be a “birthmother”. I cannot take back anything that happened to me almost a decade ago. A thought that both comforts me and renders me feeling so helpless that I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep forever. I cannot undo the pain that still sears through my heart. I will never be able to erase the memories or the feelings associated with those memories. I will always have moments where I feel the debilitating sense of grief that comes associated with adoption loss, and I will have moments where I feel like it’s going to be okay.

I will always carry this with me, until the day I die.

No matter how many words I eloquently splay onto this screen, no matter how many posts I publish to the internet, no matter how many times I see a therapist, or how many pills I am prescribed to take to help with the anxiety. It will always linger. It will always be color on the inner walls of my soul. Always....

...Because I know that this will be a part of me as long as I walk this earth, I’ve more readily accepted that I need to navigate through the muddier paths of this journey so I can use my voice to join the multiple others who have been traumatized, or isolated as a result of adoption. I need to speak so women, many women know that adoption isn’t always a miracle and that there are many hidden aspects, crucial ones that could impact your life in so many incredible ways, not always positive.  Because I know that this is who I am, I understand me a little more.

Adoption has been written, etched into my DNA. Maybe it wasn’t willingly, but it’s there. And it’s shaped a good part of the woman I am. I won’t change any of that, not because I don’t want to, but because I simply can’t undo it. What’s done is done; I am a birthmother.

I will always live with that.

I'm not the only one with this life-long effect of adoption on my mind.  Today Rebecca (an adoptee and adoptive mother) author of  "Love Is Not A Pie" also wrote about this subject.  She writes:

In pre-adoption counseling, mothers who are considering placing a child for adoption are sometimes told that they will "get over it" and move on. Not so surprisingly, many mothers who relinquish find that moving on is not a simple matter. The following posts are not easy to read, but they are an important part of the adoption story.

Those Hands
Grief Remains
Missing Him
Pretender
The Scars of Motherhood

If you didn't click on the above links to read the blog posts, you missed another great link.  The post "Those Hands" was inspired by this post by a natural mom "coming out of the adoption closet".  It is heart wrenching, it needs to be read by all. 

So if you are one of the people who enjoyed watching that show on TLC, if you are someone who promotes and advocates for adoption, please take the time to go read some of the links above.  At least acknowledge the deep loss that occurs in adoption. 


If a mother in your life is facing an unexpected pregnancy and considering adoption, please have her read this post.  Please make sure that she makes a fully informed decision for or against adoption.  Don't let her fall for the false beliefs that encompass adoption in our society.  Don't let her make a decision based on fear or lack of confidence in her ability to be a wonderful mother no matter if she is young, or single, or poor, or whatever. 


Adoption loss is forever.  Even if it's an open adoption, it's still the loss of motherhood.  Forever.  For the mother, for the infant, for the entire natural family. 


My heart aches for my son.  My heart aches to know my grandchildren.  My heart aches to know my son's wife, the mother of the grandchildren I also lost to adoption.  I don't wish this heart ache on anyone...

Happy Mother's Day!

For the first time since becoming a mother, I can say that I had a great Mother's Day!

Much has been going on in my life, much I want to share with all of you, yet I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it all.

The last visit we had from Christopher seems to have broken the silence.  I have realized that I am reading much more into that silence than what was really there.  As usual...

I was going to be over in Christopher's neck of the woods last weekend, but he was busy so we couldn't make a visit work. 

So.  I got brave.  Writing the message was easy.  Finding the courage to hit the "reply" button was hard ~ my finger hovered over the mouse for several minutes.  Christopher's mom lives just minutes away from where I was going to be.  She replied that it was going to be a busy weekend ~ but she would make it work as she wanted to meet me too! 

I was surprisingly not nervous as the day arrived.  I was just so excited to meet her.  She had an event to attend in the morning/lunchtime, so I went shopping in a quaint old-town area of the city while waiting for her phone call.  When she called to say she would be able to meet in 20 minutes, the nerves kicked in! 

We met at a TCBY at 2:15.  All nerves were gone the minute I saw her and she walked towards me with open arms.  Our hug seemed to last forever.  I felt as though I was channeling all the love that those arms had shown Christopher over the years ~ all the love that I was unable to show to him, but she was able to.  All the worries that I had while driving there were for nothing.  She was completely open, honest, and loving with me.  We talked for hours.  About Christopher of course, but also about both of our families growing up, our other children and grandchildren, so much more.  She gave me a beautiful gift and card for Mother's Day, with a loving note.  I had gotten her a necklace that symbolized the bond I have always felt with her ~ even while I didn't know her.  I always felt a bond with her, that we were brought together through the love of a child.  I think the necklace found me actually, it is a perfect symbol of that bond.  I got one for each of us, wore it that day and almost every day since.  I knew that we had been talking for a long time, we both seemed to try to wrap things up at the same time.  I was so surprised to see that it was 6:05 when I got into my car.  Almost four hours had passed!  Driving away from meeting her, I felt such complete peace, love, and happiness.

I texted Christopher afterwards and told him that his mom was wonderful.  We had a few texts back and forth, he was very relieved that it went so well. He said that he was more nervous than both of us had been! 


Just three days later was Christopher's birthday.  Due to the anticipation of meeting his mom the birthday blues hadn't kicked in as they have every year since he was born.  It was so wonderful to be able to talk to him on his birthday.  The birthday blues did kick in a bit that day, along with some decompressing from meeting his mom.  But overall it was a wonderful day, the feeling of peace was back the next day when I received a lovely thank you card and note from his mom. 

I don't know what I ever did to deserve all the blessings I have had in my life.  Getting to know Christopher's mom, her loving acceptance of me into their lives, is more than I ever thought possible. 

This is the first year since Christopher's birth that I have not fallen into a funk for the weeks before and after. 

This is the first Mother's Day since Christopher's birth that I have truly been happy to celebrate being a mother on this day.  I had a fabulous day that included playing in the sun and dirt (finally getting some flowers planted) with three of my granddaughters help, then dinner with all three of my (raised) kids, the grandkids and my mother and father-in-law.  My daughter even cleaned up the mess from dinner.  To top off the day, Christopher sent me a "happy mother's day" message ~ the first one since being reunited!  Once everyone was gone, I sat outside and just breathed it all in. 

I am one very thankful and lucky mom! 

Continuing to Find Myself

I think the first crack in the fog of adoption loss happened for me when I was pregnant with my youngest son.  My husband had been begging for a third child, I didn't want another one.  He works in construction, very long hours 6 and sometimes 7 days a week during the summer.  Days would go by without the kids (and sometimes myself) seeing him ~ he would leave before we were awake and come home after we were asleep for the night.  I was a married single mother and used that excuse for why I didn't want another child.  I once had the thought enter my head that I didn't want another child, I wanted the one I wasn't able to raise.  As quickly as that thought entered my head, I shooed it away and swiftly forgot about it (or so I thought...).  Thankfully he had started wearing me down and I finally was considering having another child, because I found out the hard way that antibiotics don't play well with birth control!

Even though I didn't consciously acknowledge my missing son's effect on my life, my brain and my body knew of it.  It was shortly after my youngest son was born that I began to put on a lot of weight.  I can look back now and easily see what I was doing, but I had no clue at the time.  I was trying to fill the hole in my heart with food.  That worked for a few years (in the process gaining almost 100 pounds). 

After that I began trying to fill that hole with "things".  I spent money we didn't have on things we didn't really need.  It was financial problems that I was no longer able to hide from my husband that cracked open the door of denial for me.  What the hell was wrong with me?  I was a grown adult, why couldn't I get control of my life?  What was I doing to myself, my husband, our marriage, our kids and our future?  Everything always came back to the loss of Christopher.  I finally handed over our financial matters to my husband and started doing some soul work.  It would still be a couple more years though before I finally was strong and brave enough to say enough is enough.  I knew that I needed to find someone to talk to, to finally deal with the loss of my son to adoption and to deal with the effects of that loss, as well as the denial of that loss, on every aspect of my life.  After that I was going to start the search for him. 

As you may know, we were reunited by a search angel just three days before the date I had set to find a therapist and make an appointment with him/her.  I truly believe that God had his hand on my plans, because if I had found a therapist, chances are pretty high that it would have been someone who believed in the sunshine and rainbows and would have easily been able to put me right back into that closet of denial. 

In the last 3+ years after that search angel changed my life, I have become a different person.  I got rid of the false beliefs, I have come to have a sense of acceptance over the loss of Christopher and an acceptance of myself.  I got rid of the financial issues and no longer feel the need to buy things "just because".  I have un-cluttered my house (mostly!), it's now a house of calm vs a house of chaos visually. 

I however still carry the extra weight.  Towards the end of March I decided that it was time to quit hiding under it.  I decided that I was going to see if I could make some drastic changes in April ~ and I did!  I knew that I wouldn't be able to just cut back in a couple of things, it had to be a huge jump into eating healthy.  It had to be all or nothing.  I quit eating/drinking "white" stuff ~ sugar, flour (which includes bread and pasta), dairy.  I even gave up alcohol for the month!  (And I love my margaritas, or a glass of wine sometimes after dinner)  I was only going to eat and drink real foods.  Lean meats, veggies (LOTS of them!), and some fruit.  I am proud to say that with only three days left in the month I have been very successful.   Despite the birthday and anniversary parties, 1st Communion celebrations, snacks at school every day, I have only had a few bites of cake and cookies, no breads, just a couple of bites of pasta.  Oddly, it wasn't the sweets that were in danger of being quickly consumed by me ~ it was the breads and chips that about did me in several times.  I did have a couple of chips a few times, just enough to get a small fix of salty and crunchy.  I had NO Pepsi ~ not a single drink!!  (and if you knew me, you would know how impossible that thought was!) I am going to continue eating only "real" food, but I am going to try adding back a little bit of dairy (cheese please) and some whole grains now and then.  I feel so much better, my skin is clearer, as are my sinuses.  I don't know what foods were causing those problems, so I will add foods slowly to avoid those issues again.

As of this morning, I am down exactly 19 pounds!  Without starving.  I ate whenever I was hungry ~ it just had to be real food.  I think a big part of the loss has just been the mind set.  I now realize that I was holding onto the weight as a way to continue hiding from myself ~ from my true self that is.  I think Christopher's silence was also a big part of me getting to this point.  I had to face some things that I still hadn't faced, until I was forced to with his silence.   I had to look deeper inside myself, I became stronger in the loss of him. 

This may sound corny/new-agey to you, but I also found help not just in my own mindset, but it was as if the universe was also helping me along.  It seemed that everywhere I looked, everywhere I read, I was seeing messages to help me along my way, helping me to be strong.  I will share those messages of inspiration with you soon!

Oh ~ and by the way ~ even though I still hadn't heard from Christopher, he texted my daughter last weekend to tell her that he was going to be fairly close-by again, and came to join us for dinner Wednesday night!  I don't need to tell you that it was a fabulous evening ~ about four hours with all my children together again.  Heaven!  Yesterday I suffered from an emotional hangover that always hits after a visit, but today I'm just thankful and feeling blessed that things are still coming together, even when they sometimes feel as though they are coming apart!

Family Preservation

I have written about this before, but after the controversy at Circle of Moms and the controversy going on in a forum I belong to, I wanted to write about it again. This post however is mostly written out of emotions.  If you want a post to really learn from, go read my first post on this topic:  Family Preservation, Not Anti-Adoption

I am not anti-adoption, despite what some may say.  When some people throw out the "anti-adoption" label, it's like saying that the person hates puppies and everything nice in the world.  It's often hate filled.  It almost always comes from somebody who really needs to learn about the other side of adoption.

It hurts when people refuse to see that adoption happens only after great tragedy.  No matter how wonderful the adoption story is for the adoptive family, that joy is built on life-long grief that is unimaginable by anyone who isn't living it. 

I honestly do not understand how people don't see the terrible wrongs in infant adoption. 

I honestly don't understand how a woman could watch a new mother crying over losing her child, yet think it's "the right thing". 

I will never understand a prospective parent being angry that a mother and child are able to stay together.  Yes ~ I understand that their hopes of finally being a parent themselves are dashed.  But to be angry at a mother for deciding to parent her baby ~ the baby that she has nurtured in her womb for nine months?  The baby that she has been agonizing over for the last several months?  The baby that she loves more than life itself?  Is their grief so deep that they no longer have any compassion?  Could that prospective mother and/or father really feel good about taking the baby from the mother if she wasn't 100% sure that she did not want to raise the baby herself? 

I will never understand how a woman can read or hear the words of grief and loss from a mother who lost a child to adoption, yet tear her apart for daring to speak against the beauty of adoption or write her off as "just another "bitter" birthmom". 

I will never understand how a woman can tell a mother of adoption loss that "adoption is different now", thereby erasing the validity of her grief and loss. 

Again, adoption is built on loss ~ tremendous loss for both the mother and the child.  Even if it truly is the choice of the mother, it's still a tremendous loss. 

I live the life as a mother without her child due to adoption loss.  And I WAS one of those mothers who was 100% sure.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY. 

I am so very lucky to be reunited with my son, I am so blessed to know that he did get great parents, he had a wonderful childhood and has a wonderful life.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY.

I was somehow able to "just get on with my life", just like the so-called counselor told me to do.  I met and fell in love with my husband when Christopher was just about 8 months old.  32 years later we are still together.  We raised three wonderful kids, who have given us 7 beautiful grandchildren (with another one due in August!).  I have a job I love, we live in a house we built ourselves.  Life is great.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY.  The grief and loss is there under the surface of every great thing in my life.  

I do not have the life I do because I didn't have the "burden" of being a teen mom.  I have what I do DESPITE the loss of my son to adoption.  DESPITE the effects that adoption has had on every single aspect of my life. 

I advocate for keeping a family together if at all possible ~ family preservation.  Family should be sacred.  Family preservation should be the goal of everyone.  The tearing apart of a family should be something to avoid at all costs.  How sad that is not the case when it comes to newborn infant adoption in this country...

So call me anti- adoption if you want.  I know and live the truth of adoption loss.  If I can save one mother from knowing the gaping hole in her heart and soul from losing a child to adoption, then your name calling is worth it to me.