American Adoption Congress in Denver

I am getting excited to attend the AAC Conference in Denver at the end of the month!  There are a few reasons I decided to finally attend an adoption related conference.

This one was close enough to consider driving to ~ about nine hours away, but in the end I decided to fly in order to have more time there/less time away from work.  

The chance to meet in real life some people who have become friends here in AdoptionLand on the www.  I'm most excited about that than anything else, I think!

The chance for more healing.  

One reason has come up in the last week or so, long after my decision to attend was made.  In the fight for adoptee rights, nothing makes me more mad than to see us moms blamed for the continued discrimination against adult adoptees.  (Well, other than the fact that they aren't allowed their obc's in the first place!)  I'm glad to be attending the conference just to be present and show that natural moms are not some pathetic beings, cowering in the corner, terrified of her child lost to adoption. I fully support adoptees to have the right to their true facts of birth ~ their original birth certificates as well as any adoption records the adoption agency/lawyer has on file.  I also believe all mothers should have the same right to their child lost to adoption's birth certificate just as they do to the other children they gave birth to.  

The latest reason I'm excited to attend (yet a little nervous too) is that I have been asked to join Suz Bednarz, Kathy Aderhold and Richard Kish and present on "Mitigating & Managing Collateral Damage: Impact of Adoption on 1st Family"!  The reason I'm nervous is first of all ~ public speaking!  Secondly this is my first event of anything like this, and I'm kind of scared that the 37+ years of mostly being unable to cry about my adoption loss might be unleashed, leading to a torrent of tears that won't stop.  The thirty years of denial and living in the closet before reunion did a great job on making it impossible for me to cry about Christopher.  Oh, the tears begin to appear, the lump in the throat grows huge, but the complete (even if illogical) fear of falling into that deep pit of despair, never to find my way out again, will not let me "go there"; therefore stopping any more tears before they become too many tears.  Hmmm...  well, there is one more thing to add to the list of collateral damage adoption has left on my life!

Will you be at the AAC Conference?  I hope I get to meet you ~ in real life!!  

Adoptee Rights to Their Original Birth Certificates

As a mother of adoption loss, I would first of all like to (again) make it known that

I WAS NEVER PROMISED, NOR DID I EVER WANT, ANONYMITY FROM MY SON!

Those who try to use us mothers as the reasons that adoption records and original birth certificates are sealed are either lying or falsely believing someone else's lies. 

Most moms would openly welcome being contacted by their sons and daughters lost to adoption.  Most moms dream of finally having answers to their questions ~ is their son/daughter even alive?  If so, healthy?  Happy? A parent or grandparent now themselves?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why aren't they sealed until an adoption is finalized?  Wouldn't they be sealed upon relinquishment?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why are the adopted sons and daughters STILL not allowed to receive a copy of the OBC after being reunited with their natural mother and/or father?  I have been told that even if Christopher and I were both to ask the Iowa courts to release his original birth certificate, it would be denied due to lack of "due cause".

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, why then would I (the natural mother) be denied a copy of my firstborn's birth certificate but be able to obtain a copy for the children I gave birth to and raised?  I need to hide myself from myself??

But let's just pretend that we ARE the reason our children aren't allowed their OBC.  What power do we hold to allow discrimination against the (adult) children who we signed away all rights to?  None.  We have no rights to that (adult) child, remember?

I believe that all United States citizens should have the same access to the original, true record of their own birth as any other citizen.  If one citizen can walk into the courthouse and get a copy of their original birth certificate, then ALL should be able to.

I am a mother who signed away her rights to raise her child ~ I did not sign away his rights to his own birth information!  I advocate for Adoptee Rights ~ do not ever use me as an excuse to keep even one person's own birth information from them!

 

#AdopteeRights

#IDontHaveNorDoIWantAnonymity

Validating My Motherhood

One of the biggest hurdles I have had to overcome in the six+ years since being reunited with Christopher has been the claiming of my motherhood ~ from my very first pregnancy, not just from the birth of the children I raised. 

For I never allowed myself to consider that Christopher was my child, therefore I was not "really" a mother to him.  He was always "the baby I couldn't raise". 

The things your psyche does to protect itself...

The first crack in that thinking was 16 years after his birth, when my daughter was 13.  She found the envelope of papers and photos of the brother she didn't know existed.  When she finally confronted me with the knowledge, she called him her brother.  My brain screamed "he's not your brother!" (I may have even said it out loud?).  Then my heart skipped a beat as I realized that yes, he was.  He was not just the baby I couldn't raise.  He was her brother.  He had two younger brothers also.  He was my son, I was his mother.  But I wasn't...

After reuniting and being able to fully acknowledge my motherhood, I still struggled with it.  I struggled with letting what other people think make a difference.  I allowed other people's attitudes that I wasn't really his mom since I didn't raise him take away from my truth.  I was letting my assumptions of Christopher's feelings (or lack of feelings) for me take away my truth also. 

When I was finally able to allow my heart to know and embrace my motherhood, to know what every other cell in my body knows is true ~ no matter what society or anyone else may say ~ that was a major milestone in my healing. 

While outside validation shouldn't be necessary ~ oh how wonderful it is to get it though!  Especially when it comes from outside the adoption world and friends I have found online. 

I got the most amazing and unexpected validation just a few days ago.  Christopher's mom and I occasionally send texts, have talked about getting together again for another visit.  I had been in their part of the state recently (to visit Christopher!) but didn't have enough time to stop on the way home and visit her this time.  I messaged her that I hoped I would be in her area again soon.  She replied back, and part of her message said "Don't we have a terrific son?" and "I hope you had a terrific visit". 

"Don't we have a terrific son?"

Six little words...  As happened in Whoville long ago, my heart grew three sizes!

I know I shouldn't need validation from anyone, but...  wow.  To get that validation from his mom is about as good as it gets for me.  Especially since it came on the heels of an after-visit melt down a couple of days earlier.  In such a short time to be at the steepest drop and then back up to the highest high ~ a roller coaster ride for sure!

I don't know what I've done to be so very blessed in this reunion journey of ours, but I am thankful for it every single day! 

Oh ~ and the visit!  I went on a road trip west to spend the evening with Christopher and his family last Friday.  It was a wonderful visit that had been too long in the making ~ it had been 14 months since I saw him and his wife, two long years since I saw his son and daughter.  We went to dinner then back to his house for a few hours.  The highlight of the night was hearing my sweet little 6 year old granddaughter calling me "grandma"!  She also gave me a tour of her bedroom and all her treasures. (There is a heaven on earth ~)   I had a great visit with Christopher and his wife after the little ones went to bed.  I even got a little one-on-one time with Christopher as he gave me a ride back to the hotel.  My heart was full as I was able to give him a hug goodbye and once again tell him I loved him in person. 

Life is Good ~

"7 Core Issues In Adoption"

In her latest blog post, Tao linked to a website that had lists of "7 Core Issues In Adoption", one list for each person in the so-called "Triad". 

Every item listed on the "Birth Parent" list was spot on for me. 

Every

Single

One

As Tao mentions in her post, these type of lists try to simplify things that are much too complicated to be put into bullet points.  When I saw that this list was on a web page described as "A non-profit adoptive family support center, serving families, professionals and educators since 1998", I was sure that the list for us moms was going to be far from reality.  

I'm still surprised at the honesty they have listed.

If only any mother considering adoption could read this page and KNOW the truth behind it!  

My surprise ended as I browsed the rest of that website however...

Under the description of their support services for "Birth Parents/Families" was this gem:

C.A.S.E. provides support for the birth parent(s) in grieving the loss of their child upon relinquishment as well as other times in the future when memories of that child surfaces (i.e. having other children, telling a spouse/partner, dealing with self-esteem, and dealing with the larger issues of social and political opinion surrounding adoption.)

Because, you know, memories of our children lost to 

adoption only surface in a few circumstances in the future. 

*Sigh*

 

Six Years Ago Today... Happy Birthday Sweet Girl

Six years ago today, I had been in reunion with Christopher for 7 months and 3 days. 

Six years ago today, I realized just how much I really lost when I lost him to adoption.

Six years ago today, Christopher and his wife welcomed their beautiful baby girl into the world.

Six years ago today, the reality hit me that I not only lost my son to adoption, I also lost my grandchildren...

Happy 6th Birthday sweet Brooklyn ~ Grandma Susie loves you more than you will ever know.  I hope that one year I will be able to celebrate your birthday with you in person.  I hope you enjoy your present as much as I enjoyed being able to send it you!

 

In The Funk. Again.

I've been in an adoption funk again for the last couple of weeks.  I know it's partially because a planned visit to see Christopher in July didn't happen due to my getting another kidney stone a couple of days before I was supposed to go.  Now we are finding it difficult to find time when we are both free at the same time.  It's been over a year since I've seen him, two years since I've seen his children.  I miss them dearly.

The funk felt bigger than that though. 

On facebook the other night, someone had posted a link to a site that calculates your probable conception date according to the date of birth.  Since I was bored, I clicked on the link and was going to punch in my kids' birthdays, starting with the first one ~  Christopher's birthday. 

Then I see.  Huh...  Does the body, the heart and soul remember? 

It's probably exactly 37 years ago, give or take a day or five, that I became pregnant with my firstborn son lost to adoption.

The Birthday was: Tuesday, May 8, 1979
Conception Date: Tuesday, August 15, 1978
Implantation Dates: Between Monday, August 21, 1978 and Sunday, August 27, 1978

The persons birthday was on Tuesday, May 8, 1979 at 40 weeks, and conception would have been on or around Tuesday, August 15, 1978 with sex likely between Wednesday, August 9, 1978 and Tuesday, August 15, 1978

37 years sounds so long ago.  So many things have changed in 37 years.  Sadly, much has not changed. 

Mothers are still being shamed into giving their children up for adoption. 

No ~ not as as it was,
having no choice if you were unmarried.

But in different ways. 
In more subtle ways. 
And some not so subtle.

I wonder if I will ever see a day in my lifetime when motherhood is honored again? 
When the mother and child bond is cherished as it should be? 
When the trauma and loss of a mother losing a child and a child losing a mother are losses that are recognized for everyone ~ and not completely dismissed if adoption is a part of the story?

I wonder...

Shame

I ordered the new adoption memoir "A Life Let Go: A Memoir and Five Birth Mother Stories of Closed Adoption".

As I was reading the reviews for the book on Amazon, I found my breath taken away by one of them.  One sentence in particular:

"...true story of a pregnant teen hiding in the house, frozen and blind to all possibility beyond invisibility, as a baby grew in the dark and a mother weds herself to shame"

 "a mother weds herself to shame"

Yes.

That so perfectly describes happened 

The shame of the evidence of my lost virginity at only 15 years old.  Not shame of the baby growing in the dark, it was shame of my sexuality.

The shame of my 15 year old self with visible proof that I really wasn't a "good girl". 

Shame that society handed to me and that I so willingly put on myself

Shame that only reinforced the belief I already had that I wasn't good enough.  That I wasn't worthy of the love that I craved.  

Therefore,  my child deserved so much more than I had to give him.

He deserved more than me.

*sigh*

I wish I could go back and talk to that 15 year old mother...