Thursday, March 10, 2011

There Are So Many Silences To Be Broken

“The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence.

And there are so many silences to be broken.”
—Audre Lorde

One of my blogging friends has suffered through tremendous personal attacks and a great loss in this last week or so.  I wish I was eloquent enough to find the words to say what I have been feeling about the situation.  

Yesterday, Cassie (who is always wonderful with words) wrote what I could not.

Today, I ran across the quote above.

THAT is why I blog here.  To break my silence.  There are too many silences in adoption. 

The adoption industry benefits from these silences. 
I think that everyone involved in any way with adoption
are victims of the greed in the adoption industry. 
Even the ones who adopt are victims of the lies.
For if the truth of infant adoption was known by all,
they would lose their billion+ dollar income every year.

People believe what they hear the most
and most people only hear about the "sunshine and rainbows" of adoption. 

The adoption industry spends millions of dollars on advertising. 
They spend millions of dollars in research finding ways to ensure that a women facing
an unexpected pregnancy will consider adoption. 

Then when she considers adoption, they have spent millions of dollars researching
the right things to say to ensure that she chooses adoption.
They often even help counsel how to hide the pregnancy from the father
so that  he will not "interrupt" the adoption process.

This is all a big part of why society doesn't know about the loss in adoption. 
In some cases, it may be more accurate to say that they WON'T hear about the loss of adoption. 
Because it is thought that those speaking out are just "bitter birthmoms" or "angry adoptees".
Because society has been brainwashed from youth about how wonderful adoption is. 
After all, doesn't it give a home to an unwanted child? 

The truth is that most newborns available for domestic infant adoption in the United States
are very much loved and wanted by their mothers and their fathers. 

Society looks down on and oppresses single mothers. 
Society looks down on an oppresses those in the lower/lower-middle class.

So when a single woman becomes pregnant,
especially if she is deemed "poor",
one of the first things many people believe is that
she should make "the loving choice"
and put her child up for adoption. 

This is why I will continue to blog.

It is through the oppression of adoptees and first moms (and dads) that the silence was the norm.
Now mothers in open adoptions are finding themselves oppressed because they cannot speak of the truth of their pain and loss or they may find their adoptions closed by the very people who, while the mother was pregnant, was promised the world and treated like a saint. 

I feel as though I was a part of why this oppression is a factor.
Because I didn't speak of my grief, my deep sorrow.
I did appear to have "just gone on with my life"
I did go on to "have children of my own"

As Cassie explains below: 
And it is First Moms like who I once was and many of the ones you see today who have a part in why this particular mom is being met with such hostility and anger. Why the adoptive parents expected her to be happy and content and couldn’t imagine the loss of her son would hurt so bad.

Because, though not intentionally, we set the standard that is expected from moms who have lost their children to adoption. We give the belief that it’s okay. That it doesn’t tear us apart, rip everything from the very depths of our souls. Change everything we are and everything we are yet to become.

We provide the proof, for those who seek it, for something that, when truly thought about, doesn’t make sense in any way. We justify what is unjustifiable – the terrible pain of losing a child. We become the balm over that deep, forbidden knowledge that losing a child is a horrific event that nobody should ever have to suffer through.

We become the poster child for what they want,
what they so desperately need to believe.
 I will continue to speak out.  Not because I am a "bitter birthmom", because I am not.  

I will speak out for future mothers and their children, 
for prospective adoptive parents, 
for anyone who wants to open their minds to the truth of adoption.  

The truth that adoption is built first and foremost on great loss that in many cases is unnecessary.
For the child or for the mother and father.

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