Monday, May 23, 2011

I Hate This!

I have had a question for Christopher and a debate with myself running through my brain for weeks now.  I need to get it out of my head so that I don't send it to him in an email.  This sucks.  I hate feeling needy, being uncertain.  I don't write these questions to get answers from anyone, I just need to get the words and worries in writing so they are no longer inside of me, driving me crazy.  Yeah, right.  *laughing*  Like that will make a difference.

Do we need to talk?

Ughhhh... can you sound anymore pathetic?!?  Way to lay on the guilt trip there mom.

But I just need to know if everything is ok.  It's been so long since I have heard from him...

He's busy.  He has a job that requires travel.  He has two little ones, a wife, a home, lots of responsibilities. 

But I've never gone this long without hearing from him.

Did I sense a tinge of awkwardness at his last visit?  He was very short and quiet when I called him on Easter Sunday.  Didn't answer my phone call on his birthday...

Quit imagining things that aren't there.  You've done this before and the worry was for nothing.

Does he have anyone to talk to about all of this?  Do I offer him some blogs, the adoptee forum as places to seek support online? 

What if you are putting thoughts and issues into his head that aren't there? 

If I don't email him tonight, how much longer do I wait?  

For as long as it takes. 


  1. Im sorry you are going through this. I hate that we always have these self doubts, this second guessing thing. I was just talking about this same thing with an adoptee friend of mine earlier today. Email him, or call him. You are not sounding pathetic, Susie. You are just sounding like a Mother.

  2. I agree with Linda. Email him or call him, just to say hi. Just to let him know you are there and thinking of him.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it sucks. A few months after my oldest son and I reunited, he backed away and I didn't see him or hear from him for almost a year. The most I could do during that time, and the only way I knew to get a hold of him was to send messages through his myspace account. And so every few weeks, I sent him something that just said hi and I'm thinking of you and I'm here if you ever need me.

    Sometimes, it's hard to know what is happening or what they are thinking. But I firmly believe in letting them know we are there and we are thinking of them.

    And in between that time, lean on others and don't be afraid to reach out for support. I'm here for you if you need me.

    Love ya!

  3. (((SUSIE))) Been there, done that, know that it sucks. I agree that you should feel free to call or email your son to let him know you're thinking of him. I wouldn't ask if something's wrong, just that you're there if he ever wants to talk. Because there's nothing wrong, and you don't want him to get defensive. Mostly, be gentle with yourself, keep sharing, venting, whatever you need. Know that there are many of us in your same boat...