Friday, April 20, 2012

Family Preservation

I have written about this before, but after the controversy at Circle of Moms and the controversy going on in a forum I belong to, I wanted to write about it again. This post however is mostly written out of emotions.  If you want a post to really learn from, go read my first post on this topic:  Family Preservation, Not Anti-Adoption

I am not anti-adoption, despite what some may say.  When some people throw out the "anti-adoption" label, it's like saying that the person hates puppies and everything nice in the world.  It's often hate filled.  It almost always comes from somebody who really needs to learn about the other side of adoption.

It hurts when people refuse to see that adoption happens only after great tragedy.  No matter how wonderful the adoption story is for the adoptive family, that joy is built on life-long grief that is unimaginable by anyone who isn't living it. 

I honestly do not understand how people don't see the terrible wrongs in infant adoption. 

I honestly don't understand how a woman could watch a new mother crying over losing her child, yet think it's "the right thing". 

I will never understand a prospective parent being angry that a mother and child are able to stay together.  Yes ~ I understand that their hopes of finally being a parent themselves are dashed.  But to be angry at a mother for deciding to parent her baby ~ the baby that she has nurtured in her womb for nine months?  The baby that she has been agonizing over for the last several months?  The baby that she loves more than life itself?  Is their grief so deep that they no longer have any compassion?  Could that prospective mother and/or father really feel good about taking the baby from the mother if she wasn't 100% sure that she did not want to raise the baby herself? 

I will never understand how a woman can read or hear the words of grief and loss from a mother who lost a child to adoption, yet tear her apart for daring to speak against the beauty of adoption or write her off as "just another "bitter" birthmom". 

I will never understand how a woman can tell a mother of adoption loss that "adoption is different now", thereby erasing the validity of her grief and loss. 

Again, adoption is built on loss ~ tremendous loss for both the mother and the child.  Even if it truly is the choice of the mother, it's still a tremendous loss. 

I live the life as a mother without her child due to adoption loss.  And I WAS one of those mothers who was 100% sure.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY. 

I am so very lucky to be reunited with my son, I am so blessed to know that he did get great parents, he had a wonderful childhood and has a wonderful life.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY.

I was somehow able to "just get on with my life", just like the so-called counselor told me to do.  I met and fell in love with my husband when Christopher was just about 8 months old.  32 years later we are still together.  We raised three wonderful kids, who have given us 7 beautiful grandchildren (with another one due in August!).  I have a job I love, we live in a house we built ourselves.  Life is great.  Yet, I still wish this life on NOBODY.  The grief and loss is there under the surface of every great thing in my life.  

I do not have the life I do because I didn't have the "burden" of being a teen mom.  I have what I do DESPITE the loss of my son to adoption.  DESPITE the effects that adoption has had on every single aspect of my life. 

I advocate for keeping a family together if at all possible ~ family preservation.  Family should be sacred.  Family preservation should be the goal of everyone.  The tearing apart of a family should be something to avoid at all costs.  How sad that is not the case when it comes to newborn infant adoption in this country...

So call me anti- adoption if you want.  I know and live the truth of adoption loss.  If I can save one mother from knowing the gaping hole in her heart and soul from losing a child to adoption, then your name calling is worth it to me. 


  1. Great post!

    For years my first mother said that adoption should be the last resort and people looked at her like she had three heads. It's only recently, through my involvement in the adoption blogging community, that she has found others who share this view.

  2. A good friend that also happens to be an adoptive mother had as her Facebook status "Is ignorance bliss?". I though wow, yes for adoptive parents it sure is. I'm sure PAP's need to stay in that state of ignorance to take another's child. I'm chagrined to admit that before reunion I would have considered adoption without reading one book. Hell someone took my child and now that I am a married woman I deserve a child, too. It makes me sick to think that I was like that. But it's also good so that I can have compassion.
    It is so comforting to have you with me on this journey, Susie.