Friday, April 13, 2012

My Thoughts on the "Circle of Moms"

I'm sure you all know about the "Circle of Moms" blog contest by now.  It is a sad statement about the purpose of that website.   It isn't for all moms.  It's for moms they deem worthy of being on the website.  This excludes anyone who speaks anything other than the fabulous rainbows and sunshine of adoption.

I managed to get a pdf printed of the contest page just seconds before it was taken down.  So I was still able to go read some of the blogs listed to see what the big deal was.  Why some were "offended".  The only things I read that I felt were not supportive were the blogs where the bloggers and the comments to the bloggers were bashing those they deemed "anti adoption" or "adoption haters".  The blogs that had the worst bashing of people were on blogs that praise the institution of adoption. 

Here are the Top 25 blogs, their number of votes, and place in the triad as of taking the contest down:

1.  The Declassified Adoptee ~ 360 ~ adult adoptee
2.  Musings of the Lame ~ 301~ natural mother
3.  The R House ~ 265~ adoptive mother
4.  Dreaming Big Dreams ~ 244 ~ adoptive mother
5.  Adoption Talk ~ 213 ~ adoptive mother
6.  Neither Here Nor There ~ 207 ~ adult adoptee
7.  Ordinary Miracles & The Crazy 9 ~ 198~ adoptive mother
8.  The Sky Is Laughing ~ 195 ~ adoptive mother
9.  Finding My Way To My Little Starfish ~ 182 ~ adoptive mother
10.  Marvelous Love ~ 170 ~ adoptive mother
11. iAdoptee ~ 160 ~ adult adoptee
12.  To Tell The Truth - Please Stand Up ~ 157 ~ foster care alumni
13.  Ethiopian Ties ~ 151 ~ adoptive mom
14.  Traded Dreams ~ 130 ~ adoptive mom
15.  Marty's Musings ~ 113 ~ adoptive mom
16.  Costain Party of Six ~ 113 ~ adoptive mom
17.  Write Mind Open Heart ~ 113 ~ adoptive mom
18.  Welcome to my Brain ~ 104 ~ adoptive mom (and adoptee/natural mom?  seems like I read that before on her blog?
19.  Rage Against the Minivan ~ 102 ~ adoptive mom
20.  Last Mom ~ 99 ~ older-child adoptive mom
21.  Ni Hao Y'all ~ 97 ~ adoptive mom
22.  The Road Less Traveled ~ 96 ~ adoptive mom
23.  I Will Pull This Blog Over! ~ 96 ~ adoptive mom
24.  the5parkers ~ 83 ~ foster care adoption
25.  On Our Hearts ~ my pdf cut off right after the title of the blog!

Not in the Top 25, but their posts regarding this should be read:

Adoption Truth ~ Cassi was the one removed from the contest ~ the beginning of the end...  I have never thought of Cassi's blog as being offensive.  Not even her post after finding out she had been removed from the contest.

Production, Not Reproduction ~ adoptive mom, I think she took herself off the list in protest after Cassi's removal?  I think there were others who removed themselves from the list also.  If you know of any, please feel free to add them in the comments. 

One Option Means No Choice

Since some people felt offended by what others were writing, causing this fiasco, I thought I would add some of the things I found offensive.  Funny how most of those offensive things I read last night and this morning are gone.  Hmmm...

What was it that offended me?  People who were name-calling and bashing those who spoke out of the negative aspects of adoption.  Calling us "haters" and such.  Although now I have no proof since most of them have been deleted.  Oh well.  I guess if anything positive came out of this mess it's that someone realized that they were going a little bit too far hating on those they were calling haters...  

There were a few blatant lies posted though.  This one I found particularly offensive: (directly copied ~ misspelling is theirs)

Really?  I didn't see anyone in the top 25 personally attack any blogs nor bloggers themselves.  I didn't see any blogs flooded with negative comments, nor hear of anyone receiving threatening emails.  Maybe this did happen, but I didn't see any proof of it.

As I was going through the blogs just now, I was only offended (strongly) by one thing I read:

Not sure what happened, but it's so incredibly sad that we as an adoption community can't come together and truly embrace the reality that adoption is a loving response to a tragic reality.
Excuse me? adoption is a loving response to a tragic reality? Is she calling an unplanned pregnancy a tragic reality?  Maybe I'm wrong and the tragic reality is that a mother and her child were separated.  But then where does the loving response come in?  Nope.  I still think she was being very offensive.  I don't know the percentage, but the majority of children born in the world come from unplanned pregnancies.  Two of the children I was lucky to raise were not planned.  Are they tragic realities??  I think not. 

I could see someone being offended by things said on one adoptive mother and one adult adoptee blog.  If they were looking to be offended...

Here are some of the good things that came out of this fiasco:

...when I was accused of being "anti-adoption," the short-hand equivalent of not writing about adoption in "a supportive, positive way:"

 BUT this post is important because it calls out the very, very important reasons we need to continue to break the stereotypes surrounding adoption.


  1. Oh, but we know the definition of "supportive and positive way" when it comes to adoption means these things:

    AP's are the better parents

    First Mothers should stay in the closet and not make waves...after all, they are not the "real" Mother

    Pregnant women who are not educated, not married, or not wealthy should give their child to a worthy couple

    Adoptees should be grateful they weren't aborted and are to never speak about adoption in a way that would discourage women from surrendering.

    Yeah...that about sums it up.

    1. Yup. It sure does Linda. Sadly.

      However ~ I do believe things will start to change. This fiasco is proof of that. Our voices are beginning to be heard ~ they can try to shut us up but it's not going to work.

  2. Sorry my words were not more clear, or that you didn't give me the opportunity to respond to your comment on my blog. For me, "tragic reality" means a lot more than what it seems you've assumed I meant. As you mentioned in the comment you left me, you assumed I meant a child (in the case of your message, your son) was a "tragic reality" and that is not the case. What is tragic, to me, is that a mother ever has to find herself in a situation to choose adoption. It's tragic that society doesn't support birth mothers and first families, that social supports and programs aren't in place to promote parenting over adoption. As a social worker - I see first hand the many needs of families and the failures of our society to provide those needs.

    As far as not seeing "proof" of the attacked those who were attacked obviously chose not to publish the comments and most comments that were left were "anonymous" though thanks to OP tracking it's easy enough to know who chose to leave the comments. I'm not debating this - as it did not occur to me (yet) this time around. But last year I was a target, and the words were absolutely horrid.

    I think the sad thing is that we all can't approach each other with respect, understanding, and without assuming. I feel had the term "tragic reality" been something you read on an adult adoptee or birth mother blog you would not have gone straight to assuming that I was calling your son a "tragic reality". But their I go assuming.

    I appreciate your comment, truly. And I will be sure to explain my words and/or choose them more carefully.

    And, for what it's worth, my opinion will go up on my blog on Monday if you care to read and get a better understanding of my it.


    1. I will go read your blog Brooke, I do care to learn more.

      Thanks for explaining what you meant by "tragic reality". Even knowing what you meant by that, I still disagree with what you said. The "loving solution" to that tragic reality is to help keep families together, not tear them apart. In my opinion, adoption should only be an option if the mother truly has no desire to parent or if abuse is a factor. I don't say this just to argue, it is simply my opinion. I wish the pain of living without your child on nobody.

    2. I completely agree that no one should have to live without their child. But until the day comes that women are no longer making that choice - I stand firm that adoption - in light of that choice being made - is a loving response.