Wednesday, August 1, 2012

He Calls Her Mom

Amanda has a post today titled "Does It Hurt You When I Call Her "Mom?"".

To be completely honest, yes.

It even hurt just to read the title of her post.

It's nothing against Christopher's mom.  At all.

It's just that it hurts so much to have a son out there, but you are not the mom...

Even though your heart, soul, and every cell in your body  knows that you are.

You aren't his mom...

Your son cried mommy in the night.
Someone else comforted him.

You son yelled out "what's for dinner mom?".
Someone else answered.

Another mom was there for all of it.

All of the big things and little.

All of the wonderfully fabulous things and the gross messy things.

Even though all I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a mom.

I wasn't my first born son's mom.

That hurts.

More than you will ever know.  (Unless you are also living this life...)

It hurts.

Even 33 years later.

Every day.


I wish that I could live one day without the pain of the loss of my motherhood.

Just one day.

Just one.





  1. I so get this. I want to be the one my daughter calls Mom and that's just not so. I want my daughter to have a good relationship with her Mom but also I am jealous.

  2. Being a mom of loss in ways feels like being the "other woman".

    1. When I met Christopher's mom, we were talking about the day she found out that we had been reunited. She said she was actually happy for Christopher and for me. She said that after he left she just started crying and the only way she could describe the feeling is that it felt like he was having an affair, that I was "the other woman".

      I think it's more like sister wives vs having an affair though if we are going to compare it that way. One is not there to try to take away from the other, we are in it together ~ just in different ways.

  3. When I heard my daughter call her other mother momma (at 30 years old) it just about tore my heart out.
    My rids asked me about when I was little, what did I want to be when I grew up. I honestly told them I wanted to be a mom. They said no really mom what did you want to be and I said truly the only thing I wanted to be was a mother. And to think that the kind loving woman that I was was denied her motherhood makes me want to scream!

    1. We seem to have SO much in common Barb!! I wish we could meet "in real life"!

  4. (((Susie)))

    Yes, I saw that same post.

    And yes, my thoughts are the same.

    Much love and understanding to you xxx

  5. I'm sorry to say that I understand this too. Thank you for your bittersweet post.

  6. Satan, or so they call me...August 2, 2012 at 12:54 PM

    I think it would be a lot easier on me for my child to call the woman who adopted him "mom" if she, her husband and their entire families would have not dehumanized, demonized and degraded me the way they have, when it was I who chose THEM to parent my child. I was deceived to obtain my child, then made the villain in the story of my own first born son; so they could turn on me, stab me in the back and demonize me. No, I do not consider that my son's mother. Not by a long shot and I never will.

    They had a choice, just as I did all those years ago, to treat me as they have. Just as they will never forget the choice I made; as they get to reap the benefits of that choice, I will never forget their choice to treat me as abhorrently as they have. There were NO benefits to reap on my end and there never will be. Not even the peace of mind to know I did the right thing. Their actions towards me have solidified my belief that it was horrifically wrong. She is not his mother. That is now my choice. He can call her whatever he wants.

    1. I am SO very sorry that this has happened to you...

  7. I think my issue will not be with him calling her mom. I've always understood that this is what he has called her since he could talk. My issue, I think, will be with him never calling me mom and always calling me Laurie. Even though I've always had momma love and instincts for him, I will eternally be Laurie in his eyes, which seems so impersonal and detached. It might be the only time in my life when my name doesn't suit me. Kinda depressing when you think about it.

    (((Hugs))) my friend.

  8. I also have no issue with him calling his mom "mom". I'm so very glad that he did get a great mom, so glad that they are close. It just hurts to hear him call her mom because I'M supposed to be his mom!

    Yes, adoption took away our motherhood. Forever. I know there are some lucky moms out there who are so very lucky to hear the title of mom after being reunited. I wish that we were two of them Laurie!

    Adoption ~ the gift that keeps on giving...

  9. Yes, little things like that or hearing a baby cry set me off; it hurts to read her post and many others..
    I am a new mama of loss, in the throes of postpartum depression along with post adoption grieving of what might have been. My babygirl is almost 12 weeks old... I cry myself to sleep nightly and wake up crying as well.

  10. SouthernBelle ~ I am SO very, very sorry that you are living this life now. I hope you are able to find some help in dealing with this loss. Sending you much love ~