Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Some Big Moments Have Happened

I have tried a few times to write here these last several months, but so much of what I wanted to write about seemed too personal.  There was too much of Christopher in the telling of what I wanted to write...

Or I was too mad and the post became a huge rant as we all got proof that adoption is no longer about what is best for the child ~ it's all about the money paid and received...


Some big moments have happened in this adoption reunion journey of ours.

In July  ~
 I met Christopher's wife & children! 
 There are no words 
~ the joy in finally looking into the eyes of my grandson & granddaughter
~to at last meet his beautiful wife 
(who was/is an instrumental part of Christopher 
continuing to move forward in this relationship)

The night was magic ~
I was thoroughly entertained by a very
beyond-his-years 6 year old with no front teeth.  
An adorable little 3 year old who didn't say two words at the restaurant
who opened up completely at home where I heard the sweetest words
"Grandma, will you please read me my favorite book?".  


In August ~
An art gallery was showing Christopher's work
and I wasn't going to miss opening night!

Driving to the gallery that night,
I was excited to see Christopher, 
his lovely wife and kids
as well as his mom again
to finally meet his dad in person.  
to introduce my life-long friends who came along.

However...
The in-laws, cousins, sister & husband, 
friends who were going to be there 
had me getting lost in fear.  
of judgement
in the insecurity of my place in his life... 

While completely enjoying the time at the gallery ~
feeling so proud of Christopher, 
seeing his beautiful artwork in a gallery.
Feeling so full of happiness watching him talk with my friends
Meeting his dad, sister and brother-in-law.  

Deep inside however ~
I was lost in the worrying
what did his extended family think of me being there?
Did they look at me as the intruder who didn't belong?  
As the whore who became pregnant so young?  
As the horrible mother who gave her child away?  
*sigh*

Feeling "not good enough"
Again...

Then in the days afterward ~
anger at myself for going to that place of deep insecurity
confused as to why I let that happen... 

In the weeks since then I have been reading some of my old blog posts,
some of my favorite blog posts by others.
I wish I had read them before the gallery opening... 

Especially these words from a post I wrote three years ago~

I realized that I was choosing to let other people's attitudes take away from my authenticity.

Nobody can take away my motherhood. I cannot un-birth any of my children, even the son I did not raise.

I don't want to live in the damn closet anymore, nobody can force me back in there.

Nobody can tell me that Christopher is any less my child than the children I raised. The love I feel for him is no less than the love I have for all my children.
 
When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers.

If that makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't care. It is the truth!


In another old favorite post from Tiny Budda I learned that
Sometimes We Need To Go Backward...

“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”

And so ~
I have been shot forward.
I'm feeling strong in living my truth again.
Even stronger than before.


Just in time for November...



2 comments:

  1. Love, love, love that Tiny Buddha quote. Perfectly captures what's been going on with me recently.

    I also love this --> "When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers." This makes me smile!

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