I am not a writer. I have no long time dreams of writing, or telling my story to strangers. No cravings for 15 minutes of fame. I don't know what I am thinking, adding this blog to the list of talented, eloquent first moms in blog land.
I do know that I want to be a voice "out there" to tell my truths about adoption loss & grief. I want to be for someone else, what I did not have when I was young & facing an unexpected pregnancy. I also want to be a voice out there for the next mom that finds herself coming out of the fog, having thoughts & ideas about her child & self that are foreign to her. Thoughts & feelings that make her think she is going crazy. The wonderful bloggers I have found since reuniting with my son have helped me stay sane. Helped me stay on the roller-coaster called reunion, instead of falling off and crashing to the ground. If my story, my blabbering, can help just one confused mom make an informed decision, can help one mom coming out of the fog ~ then I need to be out here writing.
In finding myself, I have also realized that I need to write for myself. Adoption and reunion have turned my brain into a whirl-wind mess of thoughts & conflicting beliefs. I spent almost 30 years living in denial, hiding my truth, my feelings & emotions, keeping my mouth shut and not talking about my son or adoption experience. To anyone. In almost 30 years I only told my husband (when I knew I was falling in love with him) & my doctors that I had a son in 1979. The people in my life at that time knew about Christopher ~ but he was not talked about. Ever. In doing so, I lost my voice. I lost the ability to take my thoughts out of my head & give them a voice or put them down in writing that makes sense. I am hoping that by writing here I can get some of the thoughts swirling around to slow down & come out in sentences that make at least a little sense to others. I need to find my words again.