I worry that one day my son may find this blog. I don't want to hurt him, and some of my story could very well do that. I don't want to burden him with my garbage. I worry that some of what I want to say, when read by him (or any adoptee for that matter), could seem heartless. I am sickened myself by some of the things I felt & did. It was hard to forgive myself, but I realize that the way I dealt with the loss of my son, I did out of self preservation. I was so young, coping with something an adult would find difficult, all by myself. My choice for adoption was truly to save my son. To save him from the life I was living. I knew that the choice for adoption was not the right choice for me, I was making the choice for him. What I believed at the time was the only choice ~ and nobody bothered to tell me any different.
I knew, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, that I would have to give my baby up. I knew I would never be his mother. So, I never allowed myself to think of myself as his mom, as I was not going to be parenting him. I was only an egg donor & incubator. I don't think I even fully thought of him as my son, even though he was created & grown safely and healthy in me. He was the baby I gave up.
I still remember the horror I felt when I recently realized that I disassociated myself from my son while I was pregnant. I kinda realized it at the time, but I thought it was something I was doing only to myself. I didn't know I was doing it to my son. Now that I do, it about kills me. That I was denying myself to truly love my child, to fully know and share the strongest love & bond there is ~ of mother & child. I knew that if I thought of him as my child, I would not be able to give him up. I knew that if I allowed myself to fully feel the love I had for my child, I could not stand him to be raised by another. It never entered my mind that I could be harming Christopher because of this. It truly sickens me that I did that ~ to him & to me. I was so horrified & adamant that my son not be raised in a hateful home as I was. In that, I denied him the most precious home he already had ~ in his mother's heart.
Dammit Susie.
ReplyDeleteYou took everything i experienced and typed it out for me to read.
What a pill!
Do you know how freakin brave you are writing about the truth of this out here in chew you up and spit you up Adopto-Blogger-Land???
Well, in case you don't, i'm here to tell you that YOU ARE!
And i hear ya.And Feel Ya. Every Word. Verbatim.
Did you think for one minute that adoption would turn out to be like this?
I know I didn't.
Not for one minute.
BIG BIG HUGS!!!
XOX
Mama K.
Mama K., thanks for your kind words! I don't feel brave ~ but I do feel more brave now than I did 31 years ago!!
ReplyDeleteI never imagined anything near what the reality of adoption was. That is why I felt I had to add my voice to "Adopto-Blogger-Land". So maybe I can help one girl thinking about adoption know the reality that adoption is.
XOXOX right back at ya!!
Susie
Good to see an honest blog!
ReplyDeleteSusie, you said you were not a writer, but you ARE! Your honesty touches me and it will others. I'm glad you're blogging.
ReplyDeleteI was the same way when I was pregnant. Afraid to feel, to bond with the child I knew I would lose. I wondered later if I damaged him in that way. At the time, I just waited for it to be over. I was resigned.