Friday, December 3, 2010

Holiday Blues

Last year was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas after reuniting with Christopher.  It made the holidays so much sweeter ~ KNOWING that my son was alive, healthy, and happy.  I have always loved the holidays, despite the fact that my firstborn son was missing from the family celebrations, but last year the holidays were true celebrations.

This year I found myself with underlying sadness as we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I thought it was partly because I hadn't heard from Christopher for a couple of weeks. 

The sadness still clings.  Yes, I am so happy and thankful that I now have Christopher in my life.  Yet...

I don't. 

I'm sad.  And mad.  That my firstborn child is not my child.  I am his mom, yet I am not.  Why is the knowing not enough?  Why does my heart want, need, more? 

I thought it would get easier.  It's getting harder.

I want to celebrate Christmas with my family.  ALL of my family.  This holiday season I am feeling the loss of Christopher so much more than I ever have.  He's no longer "the baby I had to give up".  He is an actual person.  Christopher.  A husband and a wonderful father.  An artist.  Who lives four and a half hours east of me.  Whose life is complete with his adoptive family.  

My life has not been complete since May 8th, 1979.  You would think I would be used to this by now.


  1. would think I would be used to this by now.

    I would never think any mom would be used to living without a child - dead or alive and lost to adoption.

    I can offer (FWIW) that for me, after nearly six years of reunion/yet not, it doesnt necessarily get harder. I think I peaked, then fell and am now plateauing. Actually worried that I dont care more than I do.

    Hugs to you and Happy Holidays to your entire family.

  2. Susie,

    I know exactly what you mean. I thought once my daughter was back in my life it would be easier, after all I'm used to the loss of adoption. The haolidays are harder after reunion. We (I) do want more. We want to be with them for holidays. We want all of our family together.

    We don't want to be qualified as less than. As in they celebrate with their adoptive family and we are left in the background still waiting and wanting more. We aren't really their family.

    I actually started a post about this very subject but haven't put it up yet.


  3. You know, what I've found in life Susie is that nothing ever stays the same. Yeah, it doesn't necessarily always get better but it also doesn't always get worse.

    I guess what I would say to you is accept this less than rosy time, which you appear to be, and know that there will come a time, a day, a moment that will fill you with happiness or excitement or some other feeling that's good.

    In the meant time, be careful not to let those you do have in your life, your raised kids, feel like they're less than Christopher. That they aren't enough to make their mom happy at Christmas. That the family you actually do have isn't good enough.

    I'm sorry it's this way for you, and even sorrier for your kids if they know it.

  4. I see blog as places to vent. I don't necessarily spill my beans or force my children to listen to litanies of how I feel that adoption brought loss into my life. It is fair to speak openly, however, and if Susie feels sad, I think it's okay to tell the kids she feels so. I am sure that she would counterbalance that by saying, "You know I love all of you with all my heart, and I wish that Christopher could be with us." Perhaps the kids would like the opportunity to speak about their disappointment, as well.

    Things usually become problematic when they're everything a person says and always in the forefront of conversations. I bet that Susie is aware of this and takes care of her kept children.

    I am not a believer in sucking things up and suffering in silence, though, as sadness can fester and become much worse.

    Hugs to you. I can imagine it would be really hard to feel Christopher's absence.

  5. (((Susie)))

    Reunion doesn't resolve that initial loss. It's still there, sometimes it's even worse, because as you say, our children are no longer "abstract," a baby we gave up. They are more real. Makes their being missing during holidays, or any time really, harder.

    In my first several years in reunion, even when I couldn't be with my son for special occasions (in my case, not because of his adoptive family, they were gone), I felt the warmth of his presence in my life. As I would, not able to be with other family members for the holidays. He was THERE in the true sense. It was better than not knowing. Now that we are estranged, it's still better than when I didn't know where or who he was, but worse than when we could at least talk if not see each other.

    If that makes any sense at all...

    Hang in there! XO

  6. Holidays. Blues. Adoption loss. Not the potluck anyone wants to be at.

    My son and I have been re-united for almost 20 years. Loss is still loss. I have so much happiness, and yet there are times when I feel that ache.

    Wishing you peace and joy, AND time with your son.

  7. I so get this. It's a really unique position to be in. I'm my daughter's mother but I had to figure out how to be a reunited mother. Reunion is such a wonderful, crazy, sad and emotional thing. It's about learning how far to go and when to pull back and be patient. And, like Ex said... sometimes I'm on cloud 9 with joy that I have her back and then I'm in tears again because I see her childhood photos and realize once again what I missed. Lots of times I just felt very insecure about my place in her life. It took a while to let go of the baby I wanted back and embrace the adult.

    Wishing you the best and hope you can have some time with your son soon.