Last year was my first Thanksgiving and Christmas after reuniting with Christopher. It made the holidays so much sweeter ~ KNOWING that my son was alive, healthy, and happy. I have always loved the holidays, despite the fact that my firstborn son was missing from the family celebrations, but last year the holidays were true celebrations.
This year I found myself with underlying sadness as we celebrated Thanksgiving. I thought it was partly because I hadn't heard from Christopher for a couple of weeks.
The sadness still clings. Yes, I am so happy and thankful that I now have Christopher in my life. Yet...
I'm sad. And mad. That my firstborn child is not my child. I am his mom, yet I am not. Why is the knowing not enough? Why does my heart want, need, more?
I thought it would get easier. It's getting harder.
I want to celebrate Christmas with my family. ALL of my family. This holiday season I am feeling the loss of Christopher so much more than I ever have. He's no longer "the baby I had to give up". He is an actual person. Christopher. A husband and a wonderful father. An artist. Who lives four and a half hours east of me. Whose life is complete with his adoptive family.
My life has not been complete since May 8th, 1979. You would think I would be used to this by now.