Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Hiding From Reality?

I'm no longer the ashamed 15 year old I once was.
     I'm no longer hiding from the reality of adoption in my life.

I'm not letting society destroy my reality.
     Society just doesn't believe in my reality.
          Society doesn't believe in the reality of adoption loss
          for the mothers or the children.

Often, those effected by adoption loss don't even realize the reality of the loss.  I didn't until after reunion.  Thankfully, I can say that I never encouraged adoption to anyone as I did not want to be a part of someone living with the pain I felt from the loss of my son.  The pain, even in deep denial, was more than I would wish on anybody.

Yesterday I ran across this blog post (which was deleted after receiving my comment to it).  

We have good friends who are currently clear across the country in the process of adopting a baby. Everything seemed like it was going fine, however, the birth mother has had medical problems, and the baby can't leave the hospital before the birth mother. In the meantime, the birth mother is insisting on caring for the baby by herself (without help from the nurses) and is insisting on nursing the baby.
Please pray that she would make the right decision for the baby, and please pray for our friends who are in limbo, hanging on.
Thank you so much!
St. Joseph, pray for us!
St. Collette, pray for us!
Imagine that!!  How dare a mother insist on nursing her own child!  How dare that mother be allowed to care for her baby without any help from the nurses!  And of course, to this blogger, the "right decision" that should be made is for adoption to still take place.  Yes, it is sad that the couple wanting to be parents are in limbo.  It is so much more sad, however, that they are praying for the separation of a mother and a child.  The separation of a child from their family of origin, their ancestry, etc. 

Today I went to see if my comment had been posted.  I was not surprised to see that it hadn't, but I was surprised to see that the post had been deleted entirely.  

There was a new post today, referencing the post and the comment that had been received from me.  Explaining why she believes in adoption being the right choice.  Because she is adopted.  She says that she believes God doesn't make mistakes.  I think she means that God meant her to be born to one family, and adopted by another.  Because, of course, her mother fits the "crack whore" stereotype.  

She also goes on to say how hard it must be to give your child up, that she doesn't know how a mother can choose to give her child up for adoption.  But it is still the right choice ~ for someone else to do.  She received a comment to the new post.  A woman saying her sister gave a child up for adoption ~ she doesn't think she could have done it ~ but what an amazing story it is for her sister and sister's child.  

And then at the end of the new post ~ she says she's still praying.  

So am I.  I'm praying as this blogger originally asked.  "That she (the sick mother, still in the hospital) would make the right decision for the baby".  I'm praying that the mother, if at all possible, and if abuse/neglect are not a part of her story, has the strength and support to raise her child.  I'm praying that she has a full recovery from whatever illness is giving her the blessing of being with her child for the first days of life outside the mother's womb.   I'm praying that this mother and child have a long, blessed life together as family and will never know that pain and loss that adoption is.


  1. Oh, yuck. The foggy, praying types are the most dangerous.

  2. There is something wrong when people pray for the separation of a mother and her child.

    I also agree that God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't separate mothers from their children: people do. It's big business to encourage a woman to surrender their child.

  3. If God does not make mistakes then God intended for the child to be raised by the mother whose womb they were created in...seems pretty obvious to me...

  4. I have no idea how to feel about this. I'm so conflicted. I find myself feeling a little envious of that baby who already has so many people that love him/her. It's only because I've spent my entire life longing to be adopted. What's best for the baby is ultimately what is most important. In a perfect world the biological mother would be what is best for that baby. I hate that mother's are so pressured to give up their babies. That is beyond wrong. Good for this bio mother for not giving into that pressure and nursing her baby. Her love and her milk is what is best for the baby. I just can't imagine carrying and giving birth to a child and giving him/her to someone else. I admire those who have the strength to do that for their children, but my heart breaks for that little family that never had a chance.

  5. I just re-read my post and realized I should have been more clear. I do not support the separation of mothers from their children (except in extreme circumstances). I think all mothers should be given the support needed to raise their children.

    If the money spent (and made) in adoption was used on creating proper support systems for mothers then adoption would not be necessary. Babies (then children and then adults) need their natural families.

  6. It almost makes you start to wonder if we can ever get through to these kinds of people...

  7. It's hard. Mothers who were coerced to "make the right choice", were praised at "giving their child a better life" but then who are treated like dirt once that baby is taken can feel ashamed or feel like it was their fault. Some still believe that they weren't "good enough" for their child. It's hard to talk about it. Adults (who were adopted as babies or children) can feel like they owe something to their adoptive parents (because they were "saved") therefore don't want to speak out because they don't want to hurt those who "saved" them.

    I am a by-product of an adoption situation and therefore may not have the emotional I speak loudly to those who will listen and louder to those who won't. I know women, who are natural mothers and adopted adults, who speak loudly. My children will will grow up knowing what is right. As long as we keep talking (and talking for those who can't) then it will change. Australia is a good example.