Sunday, April 10, 2011

It's been a while since I have made the time to write anything here.  Part of the reason is that I am so very happy with how things are turning out on my adoption reunion journey.  Another reason is that I am finally comfortable with who I have become after reunion.  It is so freeing to be able to get rid of the secrets.  To be able to stand on the hilltops and tell the world that I have four children, not three.  I am able to live an authentic life, not a life of lies.  The truth did set me free ~ in many ways.  It has been a rough road ~ finding myself again ~ but it was certainly a journey worth starting.

In believing the reasons that helped me make the choice to give my son up for adoption, I didn't realize that I was also taking on some pretty big beliefs about myself as a person.  Beliefs that didn't stay related just to my decision for adoption.  I took them onto my entire self, my entire being.

It has taken me more than two years to shed some of the lies I had told myself for decades.  To shed some of the lies that I allowed others to put onto me.  Lies that I took fully onto myself, so much so that they became Truth.  Truths that were so deeply believed I still find myself beginning to put them back on, like an old comfy sweatshirt.

Society told me I wasn't good enough to be a mother.  I believed I wasn't good enough.  I often heard that I was stupid as I was growing up ~ becoming pregnant at 15 proved to me that it was true.  Society told me I was sinful for having sex outside of marriage.  Society told me I wasn't worthy to be a mother, while prospective adoptive parents were wonderful, capable, married couples who were more than ready to be parents.  I wasn't married, old enough, rich, or ready enough... I simply wasn't enough.

These last couple of years spent trying to find myself again have let me realize that I was and am good enough, smart enough.  I am worthy of everything I have denied myself for years.  I. am. enough.

Take a day to heal from the lies you've told yourself and the ones that have been told to you.
Maya Angelou

It has taken my much more than a day.  It has taken more than two years.  I'm not sure that the lies will ever be completely gone.  When a young woman is made to feel unworthy in order for the adoption industry to procure another child, it doesn't just ensure a choice for adoption ~ it effects her entire life.  But mothers aren't told that when they are considering adoption.  That's just one of the things that mothers find out after it's too late...


  1. You are strong, beautiful, and very much good enough to mother all of your kids! I love reading your blog and your brave sharing of what is both hard and easy.

    Thank you for being so very inspiring.

  2. I appreciate your honesty. I need it. I learn from it. I'm glad I found your blog.

  3. Honey, Thank you thank you. This post has me crying over my keyboard. You have identified all the unspoken things that my subconscious does not want to admit are so ingrained. I HAVE to find a way to reclaim the true identity of who I am.
    I HATE that I have been waiting, longing, and on hold for nearly 20 years. I've been waiting to be good enough to be her mother, waiting till I could be allowed the privilege of knowing her, waiting to be acknowledged....

    I didn't want to acknowledge that to myself. :(

    Since our last communication I have not written anything on this matter. I think I should. I'm still afraid... and yes, it is all about the fear of not being good enough. :(
    By the way, I was stopping by here today to tell you that I've selected you for a blogger award if you are interested. You can find my post about it here:
    Just copy, paste, and what not if you are interested in accepting and passing it on!

    Love you!

  4. Amen, yes you are smart enough, good enough, mother enough. We were enough for our children but others made the decisions for us by railroading us onto another path. I'm so happy for you. Isn't it amazing to be free!