But I'm NOT being completely honest. By omission. It's in the unsaid and unwritten that the lies come in.
I was looking at my own facebook page and saw a couple of things on there from some of my "adoption related" friends and groups. Is he a fb "stalker" like I am with him? Does he check out the new friends I make there? Does he go look at the movies/groups/links that I "like" there? If he does, what does he think about my emerging voice in things adoption related? Going beyond facebook, has he found this blog? Does he think that I've become a "bitter birthmother"? Is this a part of why he has been so silent?
I wish that I didn't worry about what he would think if he found my on-line presence in the adoption world. It is not because I am saying anything untruthful that makes me worry. It's because I am speaking out about how adoption has effected my life. I'm speaking with complete honesty here on my blog, in my comments out and about in blog-land. I don't want him to really know that truth. I don't want him to know how deep the hurt goes for me. I don't ever want him to think that he, himself, has hurt me so deeply. Because is wasn't "him" that hurt me, it was the loss of him. It was my own "choosing" of adoption that has hurt me. I don't want him taking my pain and loss onto himself.
So I continue to lie to him. About my thoughts & feelings on adoption loss anyways. By omission. While he does know the summary of how adoption has effected me, I hope to never let him know the true depth of it.
In the re-reading of this, I'm really uncomfortable with it. I started this post days ago. I have come back to it at least 5 times. Hoping to see why it has been bothering me so...
It wouldn't even help to have someone to talk to, because I can't even put what I'm feeling\thinking into words!
Am I again making a choice about his life leaving him without a say in it?
Deciding what he can and cannot handle knowing?
Am I using that as an excuse for something else?
As a way to continue to hide my feelings??
Or is it simply to avoid confrontation?
Is it because I don't want to be the one to kick Christopher out of the adoption fog? Because it was so much easier in there, while I was in there.
I guess this is just something I'm going to have to ponder on for a while. I hope I can figure out why this has brought back the tornadoes of thoughts that won't settle...
Yet another thing they don't tell you when you are considering adoption. The self-doubts. The questions. The confusion about it all ~ even 33 years later.
I wish that it was possible for expectant mothers considering adoption to live inside my brain for just one day...