The first thoughts to enter were judgmental ones. Then I remembered.
I went back to those days in mid-January three years ago. I also was hesitant for a while. But not because I didn't want to tell them, not because I was afraid (although I was). I was hesitant to share him. I finally had Christopher in my life, after almost 30 years. It is hard to put in words those feelings that overwhelmed my life so suddenly.
The only thing that comes near to describing it is that it was sacred. I wanted, no ~ I needed ~ to live in the sacredness of us. Just us. For a little while. Not out of avoidance of anything. Simply out of love and amazement and needing to savor it all.
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Sacred.
That which should not have been torn asunder to begin with.
Just thinking about those first days brings the feeling right back to me. I needed those days to revel in the amazing turn my life was taking. To adjust to this new life that included my firstborn son.
I think sacred is just the right word.
I think sacred is right too!
ReplyDeleteAt reunion,everyone had already known I found my son so there was absolutely nothing sacred about it. In fact, it was overload with the amount of people who kept coming by that very first day I was able to see my oldest son again.
But there were those sacred times that I would never trade for anything, like the three hours phone conversations we had that were just between us and nobody else. Those moments when it was just us and nobody else. When I could just be mom with her son and be selfish in enjoying every minute of it.
You may not have had your sacred first day, but oh how wonderful the phone conversations would have been! Our "reunion" has been mostly cyber, through emails and fb. We have only had a few short phone calls, have been together maybe 7 or 8 hours in 3 visits. While I think that the internet has become a fabulous "tool" for bringing families together, I also think that it has been a downfall as far as building true relationships.
DeleteBut I'm not complaining! This is so much better than the unknown!
Interesting Susie. Thanks for offering this perspective. I know sometimes moms are afraid to tell their family -- that it can feel very threatening -- but I hadn't thought of the need to hold it to themselves. I'm just starting my search, and understanding that there is sooo much I need to be sensitive too.
ReplyDeleteYou will be so far ahead of the game when reunion happens for you! I had no idea what was about to happen, had no idea of what to expect, avoid, etc. I hope your search is quick and successful!
DeleteSide note ~ It wasn't "Christopher" that I was afraid to talk about, it was the talking about the adoption & loss in general. (If that makes any sense) After decades spent in denial of what had happened to me, it was very hard to open up at first.
Great point and I agree. I did not want to share my daughter either. I had already done that, in the worst way imaginable, so when I found her. I did keep it to myself, in many ways, for a certain period of time. It started out as me and her, alone, and it seemed to be needed, again, for us to be alone.
ReplyDelete