Adoption Awareness ~ Coming From A Song

When I made the decision for adoption back in 1979, I had NO idea how deeply that would effect every aspect of my life, my entire life.  Adoption loss will be with me till my last breath, no matter how close Christopher and I may grow in the future.

I have talked before about how songs sometimes "talk" to me.

One phrase from a song has playing in my head for days now.  I didn't think anything of it, since it's part of a song I have long loved.  This morning as the words

I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

began playing in my head again, I realized that I needed to pay attention to them, not just dismiss them.

I have built my life around Christopher.  From the moment he was born.  I didn't realize it for decades while I was in such denial, but after reunion I saw that I had lived my life around the loss of my firstborn.

Since reunion, I have continued to build my life around him ~ maybe even more than before.  The wanting, hoping, waiting, never-ending thoughts of Christopher.

I know that something needs to change for my own sanity.  But how?  What? ?  How do I quit yearning for my son to be a part of my life?  How does a mother quit worrying about how her child is doing?  I look at photos of his beautiful wife and children and wonder if they will ever know me.   How does someone stop wishing that their grandchildren could be a part of their life?  How do I quit wondering if my grandchildren will ever even know that I am their grandmother??

Is is possible to change my thoughts?

Is it possible, but I'm just afraid of doing it?

I don't think it's possible to change my life.  Unless I go back into that Land Of Denial... Although, wait... That didn't really work the first time around either.  I just wasn't aware that so much of what I was/wasn't doing in my life was directly effected by the loss of my son.  So no, denial isn't an option. 

*sigh* 

So I still haven't figured out what, if anything, my subconscious is trying to tell me by having that phrase from this song on repeat lately.  Maybe it's another line from the song, there are a few to choose from...

Can the child within my heart rise above?

 Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

  
Susie

Landslide

(click to watch a wonderful performance by Stevie Nicks  with Sheryl Crow)

I took my love and I took it down.

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides

Can I handle the seasons of my life

Mmm I don't know

Mmm Mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.

But time makes you bolder,

children get older,

and I'm getting older too.

So...

I've been afraid of changing because I, I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder,

Children get older

I'm getting older too.

I'm getting older too...

 So....

Take this love and take it down

Oh, if you climb a mountain and turn around

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hill,

Well, the landslide will bring it down, down.

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,

Well Maybe...

The landslide will bring you down,

Well, well, the landslide will bring it down.

Adoption Awareness Month ~ What I Wasn't Aware Of

When I (thought I) was making the choice for adoption, there was a lot about adoption that I wasn't aware of.

I wasn't aware that losing my son to adoption would effect every single aspect of my life.

I wasn't aware that it wasn't really possible to "just get on with my life" like the adoption agency said I would.

I wasn't aware that the adoption industry KNEW that it wasn't possible, but kept that to themselves in order to ensure their supply of newborns would continue.

I wasn't aware that I was indeed my son's mother, that I did have the right to see and hold my baby after he was born.

I wasn't aware that the reason I wasn't allowed to hold him was to take away the possibility that I might just realize the depth of my love for him, the depth of the mother/child bond, and choose to parent him after all.

I wasn't aware that the adoption agency wasn't really concerned about my well-being.  They were only concerned about their own well-being.  They needed my baby in order to profit the "adoption fees" from his adoptive parents.

I wasn't aware that the children I would go on to raise later in life would be effected by the loss of their brother to adoption too.

I wasn't aware that after losing my son to adoption I would close off a part of my heart in order to not feel the extent of the pain.  I not only closed it to feeling the pain and grief ~ I closed it to fully feeling and accepting love also.

I wasn't aware that adoption could only provide my son with a different life, not a better one.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often deal with life-long feelings of abandonment.

I wasn't aware that adopted people often equate being loved with being left behind when they are told that they were given up for adoption because their moms "loved them so much".

I wasn't aware that my problems were temporary, while adoption was forever.

I wasn't aware that forever was so very long.

I wasn't aware that even after being reunited with my son, my heart would still be left with a gaping hole from adoption loss.

I wasn't aware that when I was giving my son up for adoption, I was also giving up grandchildren, as well as a beautiful and kind daughter-in-law.

I wasn't aware that there was so very, very much that I should have been aware of...

 Susie

Adoption Awareness ~ From Those Who Know Best!

I believe that it is the adoptee who pays the greatest price in adoption.  It is their life stories we need to listen to as a society in order to truly learn and be fully aware of what adoption really is.  After all, who better to help us become aware of adoption than the people adoption is supposed to be all about?

Here are some great adoptee bloggers.  If I missed your blog and you want to be included, add it in the comments!


Allison

Amanda (who I forgot to credit with the awesome Adoption Awareness Month logo ~ sorry Amanda!)

Assembling Self

Campbell

Catherine

Christina

iAdoptee

Jasmine

Jenn

John

Joy

Kevin

Linda

Liz and Mariama

Lost Daughters

Mei-Ling

Ms. Marginalia

Muzik

Peach

Snarkurchin (just discovered this blog today)

The Adopted Ones

Von

National Adoption Awareness Month

I'm going to try to do this ~ as crazy as that is for me this month!

I tried last year and failed greatly, maybe this year I can do it.

Here are a few of the others that are going to take back National Adoption Awareness Month:

Amanda at Declassified Adoptee

Jennifer Lauck

iAdoptee

I know there are several more, but now I can't remember who they are!

See you tomorow ~

 Susie

Denied ~ Adoptees Original Birth Certificates

I saw an excellent documentary about the denial of original birth certificate to adoptees. 

Denied

Here is a book trailer for "Late Discoveries: An Adoptees Quest For Truth", by Susan Bennett, the first adoptee in the above video.

Late Discoveries Book Trailer

 Susie

One Year Ago Today...

On October 9, 2010 I saw my son for the first time in 31 years.  It was a wonderful visit, just the two of us for about an hour.  I will never forget that first look into his eyes, that first hug...  listening to his voice, his laughter... 

*Sigh*

Today I sent him a text.  It has been unanswered.  Just like the text I sent him early last week. 

One year ago today...

I wish I felt today 

as happy as I was

one year ago today.

 Susie

"Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People" ...Really?!?

I ran across a blog post titled "Birthmothers That Scam Innocent People".  It infuriates me for so many reasons. Not the least of which includes her use of the term birthmother and then using it for an expectant mother who hasn't even given birth yet.  Then there is the spelling and grammar issue ~ I wanted so badly to correct all the mistakes in the quotes below! 

After deciding to write about this, I wanted to find out more about the blogger.  Turns out she is the owner and founder of Unique Adoptions.  She calls herself an "Adoption Specialist". 

Unique Adoptions is an "adoption facilitating service" which is not subject to licensing by the State of California.  This is according to the information page on their website.

Unique Adoptions also has a "Birthmother Relocation Program"!  Wonder if they relocate mothers to Utah??

If you aren't too sick when you are done with reading this, you can find more of this blogger/specialist/founder/owner's writing here.  Some of the post titles?   "Daily Interaction With Birthmothers" and "How To Adopt In 6 Months". 

From the blog post:

So In order to get her and her two daughters safe, I purchased $519.00 woth of Greyhound tickets after I wired her $300.00 for gas and food to use her own vechile to drive to CA. But then she said it as stolen by the X-boyfriend RED FLAG! I should of stopeed there. But NO! I felt so bad for her.

Felt bad for her?  Really...

So I took her to the Ultrasound office to get a better date Idea of her pregnancy and possible determine gender .. But to my SUPRISE the tech said Oh look you are 7 weeks and 1 day pregnant!!!!! I almost passed out. Now what was I goning to do with this women and her children that had just arrived and was barley pregnant. NO family wants to get involved with a women that is not through her first Trimester.
So instead of saying SORRY, I cant help you I told her not to worry we would just keep plugging along and that I am sure once she was further along a family would love to parent this baby. So for 6 weeks I supported her and her to daughters , I bought her grocerys, Clothing, Blankets, Pillows, I let her borrow my DVD Player I had to pay to keep her in a hotel. I could of just said I am sorry I cannot do this but I did not have the HEart to place them on the streets, so I continued to Hemerage Money from my own savings account to the tune of $4300.00 dollars. 

Really...  She did this out of the kindness of her heart?  Or out of the expectation of the tens of thousands of dollars she could get from an adoptive couple?

she was going to abort the baby if we could not have a family in place. I tried to reasure her that their would be a family and to have faith..

So maybe she was not in it for the infant, maybe she was in it just to "save a baby from abortion"? Uggghhhh, I'm not even going to go there...

YOu know you can work with these women and think they are all so nice and caring, Bend over backwards to help them and then you still get screwed in the long run.

These women??!?  But was she bending over backwards to help them?  Or to help herself to their unborn child??

So all of you that spokme to us about Angela Pynes she is gone, I am out my savings account and who knows what the out come of this inocent child will be. Oh and did I forget to mention that she got a SAINT Bernanrd puppy to hide in the Hotel, The Kids needed something to play with!! Jeepers it never ends with these women.

Again, "these women".  There you go everyone ~ that is what adoption "counselors" think about the pregnant mothers considering adoption.  They are less than ~ they are only "these women".  This blogger isn't only talking about the woman who scammed her, she is talking about all expectant women she deals with.  She hasn't said "this woman", she has said (more than once) "these women". 

So as you can see it is not only adoptiveparents that get taken for a ride and used, But it is all adoption professionals, I am sure so many of us have storys of hugh financial losses because we choose to take a women under our wing and try to help her but in then end, We were just another tool toget what they wanted for a very short period of time. I am just glad that is was me who suffered the loss and not one of my many adoptive parents that were thinking of her as a potential birthmother..;.
Screw me once Shame on Me but Screw me TWICE?????????????????

All adoption professionals?  She's pretty important to refer to her being scammed as something experienced by all "adoption professionals".  

In the end, "we were just another tool to get what they wanted"?  Oh, is this kind of like the financial and other methods of coercion used as tools to get what they want? A newborn infant to supply their demand?  By exploiting a mother facing a crisis or unexpected pregnancy?? 

But she's just glad that it was her that suffered the loss ~ not the many adoptive parents.  Because you know ~ adoption is all about the adoptive parents, not the infant. 
 
Yes ~  Shame. On. You.  Here is my response, which I am sure will not be published:

You were not scammed by a birthmother.  You were scammed by a pregnant woman using your deep desire to obtain a newborn in order to exploit you.  You were scammed because of your greed for her unborn child.  You did not bend over backwards to help this mother out of the kindness of your heart.  You bent over backwards because you thought you were going to get her baby.  A baby you needed to help supply the demand your agency has for newborn infants.  A baby who would have earned tens of thousands of dollars for your agency. 

Shame on you and your agency for preying on women in crisis.  Shame on you and your agency for targeting women facing an unexpected pregnancy and feeling that if you take care of them for a few months they owe you their flesh and blood.  Even if this mother had been sincere in considering adoption, she had every right to change her mind at any time before or after the child was born.  Shame on you if you would penalize a mother for wanting to preserve her family in the end.  



Susie