I worry that one day my son may find this blog. I don't want to hurt him, and some of my story could very well do that. I don't want to burden him with my garbage. I worry that some of what I want to say, when read by him (or any adoptee for that matter), could seem heartless. I am sickened myself by some of the things I felt & did. It was hard to forgive myself, but I realize that the way I dealt with the loss of my son, I did out of self preservation. I was so young, coping with something an adult would find difficult, all by myself. My choice for adoption was truly to save my son. To save him from the life I was living. I knew that the choice for adoption was not the right choice for me, I was making the choice for him. What I believed at the time was the only choice ~ and nobody bothered to tell me any different.
I knew, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, that I would have to give my baby up. I knew I would never be his mother. So, I never allowed myself to think of myself as his mom, as I was not going to be parenting him. I was only an egg donor & incubator. I don't think I even fully thought of him as my son, even though he was created & grown safely and healthy in me. He was the baby I gave up.
I still remember the horror I felt when I recently realized that I disassociated myself from my son while I was pregnant. I kinda realized it at the time, but I thought it was something I was doing only to myself. I didn't know I was doing it to my son. Now that I do, it about kills me. That I was denying myself to truly love my child, to fully know and share the strongest love & bond there is ~ of mother & child. I knew that if I thought of him as my child, I would not be able to give him up. I knew that if I allowed myself to fully feel the love I had for my child, I could not stand him to be raised by another. It never entered my mind that I could be harming Christopher because of this. It truly sickens me that I did that ~ to him & to me. I was so horrified & adamant that my son not be raised in a hateful home as I was. In that, I denied him the most precious home he already had ~ in his mother's heart.