Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Queen of Denial

I worry that one day my son may find this blog.  I don't want to hurt him, and some of my story could very well do that.  I don't want to burden him with my garbage.  I worry that some of what I want to say, when read by him (or any adoptee for that matter), could seem heartless.  I am sickened myself by some of the things I felt & did.  It was hard to forgive myself, but I realize that the way I dealt with the loss of my son, I did out of self preservation.  I was so young, coping with something an adult would find difficult, all by myself.  My choice for adoption was truly to save my son.  To save him from the life I was living.  I knew that the choice for adoption was not the right choice for me, I was making the choice for him.  What I believed at the time was the only choice ~ and nobody bothered to tell me any different.

I knew, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, that I would have to give my baby up.  I knew I would never be his mother.  So, I never allowed myself to think of myself as his mom, as I was not going to be parenting him.  I was only an egg donor & incubator.  I don't think I even fully thought of him as my son, even though he was created & grown safely and healthy in me.  He was the baby I gave up.

I still remember the horror I felt when I recently realized that I disassociated myself from my son while I was pregnant.  I kinda realized it at the time, but I thought it was something I was doing only to myself.  I didn't know I was doing it to my son.  Now that I do, it about kills me.  That I was denying myself to truly love my child, to fully know and share the strongest love & bond there is ~ of mother & child.  I knew that if I thought of him as my child, I would not be able to give him up.  I knew that if I allowed myself to fully feel the love I had for my child, I could not stand him to be raised by another.  It never entered my mind that I could be harming Christopher because of this.  It truly sickens me that I did that ~ to him & to me.  I was so horrified & adamant that my son not be raised in a hateful home as I was.  In that, I denied him the most precious home he already had ~ in his mother's heart.


  1. Dammit Susie.
    You took everything i experienced and typed it out for me to read.
    What a pill!
    Do you know how freakin brave you are writing about the truth of this out here in chew you up and spit you up Adopto-Blogger-Land???
    Well, in case you don't, i'm here to tell you that YOU ARE!
    And i hear ya.And Feel Ya. Every Word. Verbatim.
    Did you think for one minute that adoption would turn out to be like this?
    I know I didn't.
    Not for one minute.
    Mama K.

  2. Mama K., thanks for your kind words! I don't feel brave ~ but I do feel more brave now than I did 31 years ago!!

    I never imagined anything near what the reality of adoption was. That is why I felt I had to add my voice to "Adopto-Blogger-Land". So maybe I can help one girl thinking about adoption know the reality that adoption is.

    XOXOX right back at ya!!

  3. Susie, you said you were not a writer, but you ARE! Your honesty touches me and it will others. I'm glad you're blogging.

    I was the same way when I was pregnant. Afraid to feel, to bond with the child I knew I would lose. I wondered later if I damaged him in that way. At the time, I just waited for it to be over. I was resigned.