If I Knew Then...

More thoughts from the American Adoption Congress Conference:

After I had agreed with Suz to participate in her "Mitigating and Managing Collateral Damage: Impact of Adoption on the 1st Family" presentation, I thought of many examples of the collateral damage in my life.  When it came to the "managing and mitigating" part, the only thing I could come up with was to not lose a child to adoption in the first place.  I know that it's not a perfect world though, so adoption is going to be a choice made by some moms.  I was still at a loss for answers though and counted on Suz and Kathy to have some for that part of the talk.

The night before our presentation, I was asked if I would have made the "choice" for adoption if I had known then what I know now.

That one kind of threw me.

Because, to be totally honest, that answer would probably be yes.

Given the exact same circumstances, that answer would be yes.

I was adamant that my child would not grow up in the life I was living.  I grew up in a house of anger and hate.  Oh, there were some good times, yes.  Holidays were usually wonderful, spent with grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and cousins who made life fun.  The day to day mess of life though?  Not so pretty...

Even if I had been told of the life-long  and deep reaching effects that adoption could bring to my life, I'm sure I would have still signed those papers.  For it wasn't my life I was choosing adoption for, it was my unborn child's life I felt I was saving.

I, of course, at that time had no idea of the possible effects of adoption on my son.  Even though there were plenty of studies and papers written about the effects of adoption on the adoptee, that was not information shared with the general public, much less mothers considering adoption for their unborn children!

That was a hard question to think about.  If I had known then all the effects adoption could possibly have on my child, would I have still "chosen" it?

I hate to say it, but given the exact same circumstances, that answer would probably have still been yes.

Because I was SO sure that I was saving my son from myself, from my life in a house of hate.

Add those fears for my son to the strong societal views of the times towards single, young moms and I most certainly would still have believed him better off without me.

15 year old me, with no honest counseling, no parental guidance, going through this experience basically on her own, would have had no way of believing anything different.  I would probably have believed that the "price" he might possibly pay for being adopted would have been far less than the price he would have had to pay with me being his mom.

I probably would have just prayed all the harder for him.  In addition to praying that he got great parents, praying that he was healthy and happy, I would have prayed for him to have none of the issues that adoption could bring to him.

So yes.  My answer to "If I Knew Then..." would have been yes.

However...
That insight gave me some of the answers that had been illusive to me regarding mitigating the collateral damage.

I should have been told that I wouldn't simply go on as before.

I should not have been made to feel as though I wasn't really a mother.  Because I was.  I was a mother without her child.  How could that NOT effect every aspect of your life going forward??

I should have been told that it was NORMAL for a mother to grieve the loss of her child to adoption.
Forever.

I should have been told that when if I was lucky enough to have more children, to be aware that the loss of my firstborn child would have effects on my future motherhood.  I should have been counseled in the things to look for, beliefs to avoid, and ways to navigate through.

I should have been counseled to be aware that in the future each of the "reasons" I was choosing adoption for could possibly become issues to deal with without even realizing it ~ financial (too poor), sexuality (shame of it), unworthiness, etc.

Because...
I believed that there was something wrong with me because I kept thinking about my child lost to adoption.  I failed at forgetting.  Could I do nothing right?!?

I believed that I was pathetic ~ using an innocent baby to "make" myself cry.  Me to myself: "Really? You are making yourself think of Christopher just to have a reason to cry?"  Yes.  I really did think that.  I know.  I weep...

I lived for more than three decades in shame of my sexuality and in the shame of giving my child away.

I lived for more than three decades trying to prove my worthiness, feeling that the "real me" (a 15 year old who got pregnant and gave her child away) wasn't worthy of the wonderful life I went on to have, wasn't worthy of the wonderful husband and in-laws who I loved so deeply.  What a waste.  I cheated not only myself, but also my husband and everyone else in my life that I loved and who loved me.

I will be forever thankful for the first voices I found online after reunion who helped me see that the grief was normal, that there was nothing wrong with me after all.  I really believe that those first brave moms I found speaking out ~ Suz, Cassi, and Cheerio ~ along with all of the rest of the moms and adoptees I found in the following years, saved me from insanity and going back into that damn closet. 

Thank you Suz for asking me to be a part of your presentation ~ while it was fear that I first felt with your question, in the end it brought such healing.  To be able for the first time to talk about the experience out loud, knowing I had you, Kathy, and Rich there to support me if needed, to be met by so many others in the audience who "get it"...  It was an experience that I'm thankful for!

American Adoption Congress Conference 2016

After attending AAC 2016, I have too much to write about to fit it all in one post.  Here is a summary of the experience, more to come in the following days:

The Week of Firsts

• I attended my first ever "real life" adoption event ~ the AAC 2016 Conference.  
• I traveled alone for the first time, which I surprisingly actually enjoyed.
• I was a presenter on a workshop panel ~ the first time I've ever spoken out loud to a group regarding adoption loss in my life.  Another thing that I very surprisingly enjoyed! 

The Stories
The biggest take-away from the conference for me were the stories.

So very many different stories.  

Different stories, but all rooted in loss and covered in confusion.

Adoptees, mothers, and adoptive mothers ~ even a raised son of one of the mothers presenting on Saturday morning spoke a little.  

Not only stories of the keynote speakers and the various workshops I attended, but also many people attending.  The questions and discussions from the audience after the keynotes and workshops were also insightful.

I am a people watcher, and couldn't help but watch and eavesdrop listen to the many stories being told all around me at various times throughout the conference.


The People
I thought that my favorite thing about attending was going to be meeting some of my adoptionland friends in real life.  It was awesome meeting Suz & Amanda, as well as seeing and meeting others that I "knew" through various blogs and forums.

The thing that most effected me about the conference though was the experience of just being with so many people who "got it".

The son, who was about the same age as Christopher, and his natural mom.
The daughter, also about the same age as my son, and her adoptive mom.

The moms.  Oh, the moms.  There were some amazing, strong, beautiful women of many ages, a few years to decades of loss, in or not in various stages of reunion with their (now adult) children.  All so supportive and caring.

The adoptees, who were so open to sharing their own reactions in reunion.
Who spoke of the times they pulled away from their original mothers and couldn't even explain why. Who were so open with helpful advice or caring, supportive words.

People who didn't look at you with pity, or reply with "what a wonderful thing you did" or...  

American Adoption Congress in Denver

I am getting excited to attend the AAC Conference in Denver at the end of the month!  There are a few reasons I decided to finally attend an adoption related conference.

This one was close enough to consider driving to ~ about nine hours away, but in the end I decided to fly in order to have more time there/less time away from work.  

The chance to meet in real life some people who have become friends here in AdoptionLand on the www.  I'm most excited about that than anything else, I think!

The chance for more healing.  

One reason has come up in the last week or so, long after my decision to attend was made.  In the fight for adoptee rights, nothing makes me more mad than to see us moms blamed for the continued discrimination against adult adoptees.  (Well, other than the fact that they aren't allowed their obc's in the first place!)  I'm glad to be attending the conference just to be present and show that natural moms are not some pathetic beings, cowering in the corner, terrified of her child lost to adoption. I fully support adoptees to have the right to their true facts of birth ~ their original birth certificates as well as any adoption records the adoption agency/lawyer has on file.  I also believe all mothers should have the same right to their child lost to adoption's birth certificate just as they do to the other children they gave birth to.  

The latest reason I'm excited to attend (yet a little nervous too) is that I have been asked to join Suz Bednarz, Kathy Aderhold and Richard Kish and present on "Mitigating & Managing Collateral Damage: Impact of Adoption on 1st Family"!  The reason I'm nervous is first of all ~ public speaking!  Secondly this is my first event of anything like this, and I'm kind of scared that the 37+ years of mostly being unable to cry about my adoption loss might be unleashed, leading to a torrent of tears that won't stop.  The thirty years of denial and living in the closet before reunion did a great job on making it impossible for me to cry about Christopher.  Oh, the tears begin to appear, the lump in the throat grows huge, but the complete (even if illogical) fear of falling into that deep pit of despair, never to find my way out again, will not let me "go there"; therefore stopping any more tears before they become too many tears.  Hmmm...  well, there is one more thing to add to the list of collateral damage adoption has left on my life!

Will you be at the AAC Conference?  I hope I get to meet you ~ in real life!!  

Adoptee Rights to Their Original Birth Certificates

As a mother of adoption loss, I would first of all like to (again) make it known that

I WAS NEVER PROMISED, NOR DID I EVER WANT, ANONYMITY FROM MY SON!

Those who try to use us mothers as the reasons that adoption records and original birth certificates are sealed are either lying or falsely believing someone else's lies. 

Most moms would openly welcome being contacted by their sons and daughters lost to adoption.  Most moms dream of finally having answers to their questions ~ is their son/daughter even alive?  If so, healthy?  Happy? A parent or grandparent now themselves?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why aren't they sealed until an adoption is finalized?  Wouldn't they be sealed upon relinquishment?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why are the adopted sons and daughters STILL not allowed to receive a copy of the OBC after being reunited with their natural mother and/or father?  I have been told that even if Christopher and I were both to ask the Iowa courts to release his original birth certificate, it would be denied due to lack of "due cause".

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, why then would I (the natural mother) be denied a copy of my firstborn's birth certificate but be able to obtain a copy for the children I gave birth to and raised?  I need to hide myself from myself??

But let's just pretend that we ARE the reason our children aren't allowed their OBC.  What power do we hold to allow discrimination against the (adult) children who we signed away all rights to?  None.  We have no rights to that (adult) child, remember?

I believe that all United States citizens should have the same access to the original, true record of their own birth as any other citizen.  If one citizen can walk into the courthouse and get a copy of their original birth certificate, then ALL should be able to.

I am a mother who signed away her rights to raise her child ~ I did not sign away his rights to his own birth information!  I advocate for Adoptee Rights ~ do not ever use me as an excuse to keep even one person's own birth information from them!

 

#AdopteeRights

#IDontHaveNorDoIWantAnonymity

"7 Core Issues In Adoption"

In her latest blog post, Tao linked to a website that had lists of "7 Core Issues In Adoption", one list for each person in the so-called "Triad". 

Every item listed on the "Birth Parent" list was spot on for me. 

Every

Single

One

As Tao mentions in her post, these type of lists try to simplify things that are much too complicated to be put into bullet points.  When I saw that this list was on a web page described as "A non-profit adoptive family support center, serving families, professionals and educators since 1998", I was sure that the list for us moms was going to be far from reality.  

I'm still surprised at the honesty they have listed.

If only any mother considering adoption could read this page and KNOW the truth behind it!  

My surprise ended as I browsed the rest of that website however...

Under the description of their support services for "Birth Parents/Families" was this gem:

C.A.S.E. provides support for the birth parent(s) in grieving the loss of their child upon relinquishment as well as other times in the future when memories of that child surfaces (i.e. having other children, telling a spouse/partner, dealing with self-esteem, and dealing with the larger issues of social and political opinion surrounding adoption.)

Because, you know, memories of our children lost to 

adoption only surface in a few circumstances in the future. 

*Sigh*

 

Shame

I ordered the new adoption memoir "A Life Let Go: A Memoir and Five Birth Mother Stories of Closed Adoption".

As I was reading the reviews for the book on Amazon, I found my breath taken away by one of them.  One sentence in particular:

"...true story of a pregnant teen hiding in the house, frozen and blind to all possibility beyond invisibility, as a baby grew in the dark and a mother weds herself to shame"

 "a mother weds herself to shame"

Yes.

That so perfectly describes happened 

The shame of the evidence of my lost virginity at only 15 years old.  Not shame of the baby growing in the dark, it was shame of my sexuality.

The shame of my 15 year old self with visible proof that I really wasn't a "good girl". 

Shame that society handed to me and that I so willingly put on myself

Shame that only reinforced the belief I already had that I wasn't good enough.  That I wasn't worthy of the love that I craved.  

Therefore,  my child deserved so much more than I had to give him.

He deserved more than me.

*sigh*

I wish I could go back and talk to that 15 year old mother...

Teleflora's Commercial Tribute to Young, Single Mothers

While wasting time on Facebook the other night, I kept seeing a link that several different friends had  posted about a Teleflora commercial that had left them in tears. 

It left me in tears too.  But for reasons unlike my friends.  Especially during this month of May, that includes not only Mother's Day, but also Christopher's birthday.

What a kick in the gut.

This wonderful son, grown up and serving in the military.  Who had been born to a single mom who gave up her dreams of becoming a professional athlete after finding herself pregnant with him.

This wonderful son, who praised all the sacrifices his mom had made for him. This wonderful son, who praised all the amazing things he was able to accomplish because of the love that he had from his mom.

While I try to not play the "What If" Game, I found myself also in tears ~ wondering what my life, what my son's life, might have been like if I had raised him instead of losing him to adoption.

I have not one single doubt that I would have been a wonderful mother to Christopher.  I had taken care of many children from the time I was twelve years old ~ I was a regular babysitter for several families in my neighborhood.  One of the families was so secure with my ability and maturity that by the age of 14 I was watching their two children overnight while the parents were out of town for the weekend.

I have no doubt that I would have been a better mother to my raised kids also ~ I would not have been parenting with the unaddressed trauma of losing my firstborn child to adoption.  I would have been a better wife and daughter, better to myself.

So.  Enough with that game of "What If"  ~ It gets you nowhere and only ends in grief and anger.

While this commercial was a kick in the gut to me, I hope that any unmarried mothers-to-be who watch it gain strength from it.  If you are young and/or unmarried and facing an unexpected pregnancy, being a great mom IS possible, despite all that the adoption industry and the seemingly perfect prospective adoptive parents want you to believe.

Teen Moms - Stereotypes

PLEASE read this article on RH Reality Check!  (Especially if you are one of the many people who land here by searching for advice on your teen daughters unexpected pregnancy.)

Where's the "16, Parenting, and OK" Reality Show?

While the article focuses on the role of media in the stereotypes, the problem goes beyond that to the whole of society. 

Here are a few paragraphs ~ but the entire article is a must read:

...Teen pregnancy and parenthood has almost always been framed as the beginning of the end of a young person’s life

Then there’s the fact that the media often overrepresents adoption, especially when it comes to teenage mothers. “The adoption story line is often used as a way to fix the ‘problem,’” sociologist Gretchen Sisson, whose work focuses on teenage pregnancy, parenting, and adoption, told RH Reality Check. “Teen parenthood and abortion are both very stigmatized. So adoption is kind of the way out and a way for the character to redeem themselves. Before abortion was legal, adoption was a way for white women to ‘undue’ the sins of sexuality outside of marriage. Adoption is used as a solution for teen pregnancy and abortion, when really it is neither of these things.

If one does not give their child up for adoption or marry the father of their child (if the father did not leave them already, as the narrative goes in the media) the identity oft given to parenting teens is one of a desolate existence for both mother and child.

While the media has taken on the role of “teaching” about teenage pregnancy, mostly through shame and stigma, media makers need to acknowledge they are influencing how gatekeepers—including school administrators, health-care providers, and other adults in a young person’s life—perceive and treat young pregnant people.

We have to start asking ourselves, as former teen mother and #NoTeenShame member Christina Martinez recently mentioned to me, “What if we were to surround young parents with messages of hope, support, and encouragement? How might that alter the confidence in which they approach their role as parent?”

I try to not imagine what my life might have been like if I would have had someone to surround me with messages of hope, support, and encouragement...


as

Courage ~ Telling The Story of My Whole Heart

I took one of those facebook quizes the other day ~ What Is Your Spirit Stone?  I got:

Fire Agate - This stone represents courage. You are a true leader in your circle of friends and you're someone people look up to. You may come across as intimidating to some people, but you really are a good person. Just make sure that you don't get too courageous, and do something dangerous.

I posted on fb that I would never have considered myself courageous until these last few years. That I attribute reunion and the process of healing from the loss of my son to that...

Suz commented that she thinks of me as courageous.  That really surprised me because it's not an attribute that I have ever thought I had.  I've been pondering on this off and on for several days now.   

Yes, I do speak out about my adoption story.  I do speak out on forums, blogs, fb about the truth of adoption loss in my life.  

But I do it anonymously.  Mostly.  I have let some of the "adoption world" onto my "real life" fb page.  But not much of it.  (I can't really share much there, since Christopher, his wife, and his mom are on my friends list there.)  Most of my advocating is done through this blog, my "Finding Christopher" email and fb page.  

So.  Not so courageous after all...  

The first person in my "real life" that I told about the blog was my daughter ~ and it scared me to death knowing that she was going to read my heart here.  For I felt as Anna Nalick sings "I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd, cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud..."  

I recently also told Christopher about this blog, worried that he might find it by accident since I had started letting some of the adoption world onto my personal fb page.  So far he says he doesn't want to read any of what I have written here.  I was surprised that instead of feeling complete relief at that I was disappointed instead.

I have only briefly considered telling any of my closest friends about my writing, letting them know that my advocating for adoptee rights goes much deeper than just that.  

However...

Since taking that silly spirit rock quiz, I've been finding myself ready to share my whole story, to share all of me.  

After all, my daughter read this online diary of mine and it wasn't the end of me.  

Maybe it's time for me to start telling the story of my whole heart...

*my first post is here

Proposed "Baby Veronica" Law brings back memories...

I was just reading the article about the proposed "Baby Veronica" law in Oklahoma.  Reading that the bill would require birth parents to go before a judge to sign away parental rights. I found myself lost in remembering and wondering...

I don't remember if this was before or after Christopher was born.  I think it was after?  I remember sitting in an office talking to a "counselor" about the adoption hearing that would be/had been scheduled.  She was telling me that it was my choice to attend the hearing or not.  She told me that if I attended it I would be sworn in to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  She then told me that the judge would ask me several questions about why I was giving my child up for adoption.  That he would ask if adoption was truly what I wanted.  She told me that if I told him the truth that he probably wouldn't let me give my baby up.  (For I didn't "want" to give him up ~ I felt that I "had" to give him up.)

I remember the panic.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go in front of that judge and lie to him.  What if he wouldn't "let" me give my baby up?? 

I remember the counselor repeating this process to me a couple of times.  To be sure I understood.  Was she telling me this to ensure that I wouldn't go to court to relinquish my rights ~ so that the judge wouldn't stop the adoption?  Or maybe...  maybe she was trying to get me to see that adoption wasn't what I really wanted nor had to do? 

I wonder...

I do know that if I had been made to go in front of a judge I would not have been able to tell him that I wanted to give my son up for adoption.

Not that this changes anything. 

Just makes me wonder though...

Adoption Loss - It should be so simple...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...


It should be so simple...

Why can't people SEE and UNDERSTAND the foundation of adoption?

Yes, when it's necessary adoption can be a wonderful thing.

BUT...

It's built upon great loss and tragedy.  Necessary due to abuse of any sort?  That's still a tragedy.  Necessary due to finances?  Necessary due to the mother being made to feel she's not good enough for some temporary reason?  That's even more tragic. 

Did you read that?  Adoption is built upon a foundation of great loss and tragedy.  Adoption cannot happen without a family facing unimaginable loss and trauma that lasts a lifetime. 

The beauty of adoption doesn't take away the ugly of relinquishment. 

The story of adoption should be:
   Yes ~ it's tragic what happened.  Thank God that a family was found for this child who has already suffered such great loss.  Thank God for this family who understands the great loss involved and will honor all that goes along with that loss. 

Adoption is supposed to be about finding a family for a child who needs one.

But that's not how the story goes...

Adoption has become nothing more than finding a child for a family who needs wants one. 

Oh ~ and the unregulated $13 Billion/year industry that is at the heart of it all.

Then we have the cries "But what about the infertiles?"  "They have so much love to give"  "They suffer such grief from their empty arms".

What about them indeed.  I have great sympathy and empathy for women who are unable to conceive or carry a baby to term.  I really do ~ I cannot begin to imagine the depth of that loss.

I just don't get why it's ok for the mother of adoption loss to live with that life-long deep grief and loss but it's not ok for an infertile woman to live with it...

I

Just

Don't

Get

It...

Is your unmarried/young daughter pregnant?

Then I have some reading for you!  Danielle at "Another Version of Mother" writes a fabulous post for the Open Adoption Roundtable #35 regarding Grandparents.  Do yourself, your daughter, and your grandchild a favor and go read this blog post.  Then read it again. 

Open Adoption Roundtable #35: Grandparents

 

Thoughts from First Mother Forum

Over at First Mother Forum there have been some great posts about adoption reunion.  If any of you reading here don't know about this wonderful blog, you need to go check it out, it's one of my favorites.  The blog posts are great, the comments on them are just as good.  Several things on these recent posts had me wanting to comment, so I thought I would just write about them here. 

We natural mothers long for a kind of normalcy with our reunited daughters and sons that we cannot have. What has gone on before will not allow it.

Oh how I long for "normalcy".  Even though I know normalcy is unrealistic ~adoption takes away any sense of normal.  Adoption is not normal...

A comment from Von:  I think we all long for normalcy, but for many adoptees, most if not all, it is not possible, never will be because of the loss which reunion never 'cures', makes up for or deletes.  How to trust someone who walked out on us?

I hope that Christopher trusts me.  I hope he believes my promise to only be honest with him, no matter what he may ask.  I hope he knows that I won't ever walk out on him again.  (Just had a thought ~ maybe he thinks it isn't a good thing that he will never be rid of me!  Poor kid is stuck with me forever!)

Kristie says: I don't believe that adoptees go "in and out", "advance and retreat". We just live as we always have, not knowing where exactly we belong, trying to protect ourselves all along the way.

 So how exactly does any reunion go smoothly? If both of us are trying to protect ourselves along the way?  How do we get "beyond" that?  God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sit down with Christopher and have an honest to goodness "heart to heart" and just get it all out there without either of us taking anything the wrong way, without either of us hearing something in a hurtful way when it's not meant to be hurtful. Maybe one day...

Kristi says: But the reality is that .... For you, we are that missing part of yourself that was ripped from your body. To us, you are a curiosity - "who, what, why, when, how and where" is what we really want to know. 

This is something I wish that every expectant mother considering adoption could know, I mean really and truly KNOW.  I wish that I could have known this before reunion, before my heart went all out crazy thinking I had my son fully back in my life.  Not all adoptees feel this way, but many do.  Then there are the adoptees who do not feel this way, but will never let us know differently out of fear of being rejected again.  Or out of fear of being unloyal to the mothers who raised them.  This is a possibility that we must be ready for though ~ we may only be to our sons and daughters the answers to long wondered questions.  They already have a mom who they love and who fully loves our sons and daughters in return.  Our sons and daughters may never have had, may never have, a need for a mother/son mother/daughter relationship with us.  I've touched on this topic before ~ I'm not saying it's "wrong" for an adopted person to feel this way, it's just a possible truth in adoption.

 "We cannot sustain a loving heart in a constant state of confusion and imbalance. We start setting up our own protective walls."

I have done that. Built the walls. Again. The love I feel for Christopher, that I can't express, because some don't understand ~ and worse, the others who don't care to try to understand. It's just too much sometimes to deal with ~ it's easier if I push it down, bury it, keep it hidden behind those protective walls. I wish that it could be like it was when first in reunion again...  I find myself hiding the depths of my feelings from Christopher himself.  Sadly, I think I started building up the walls at a time that most people would begin tearing them down.  On the day that we were finally going to meet in person for the first time.  The only way I knew I would be able to make it without crying is if I wouldn't let the reality of the moment sink in.  So I buried it.  Made the meeting "less than" in my mind.  And heart.  I didn't allow myself to think about the past, I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day.  I was simply meeting the young man I had been happily getting to know through many emails.  I hate that I did that.  I hate that my "survival mode" is so strong that it could take over such a huge moment in my life.  I hate to admit this to myself, much less put it out there in writing.  (I will be surprised if I don't erase this last bit before posting!)

 From a comment, which sums this all up so very well (my emphasis): 

..This, I believe, is not intentional on most people's parts. It is part of the dysfunction of adoption. What happened to us was so incredibly unnatural. In more civilized societies, children and parents would never be legally banned from knowing each other even if other people are doing the upbringing of the child. The inhumanity is damaging and reunification is anything but simple.

-Mara

Looking for submissions - A book being written for adoptees

If you went to check out Kevin Hofmann's blog post I wrote about yesterday, you already know about this project.  I thought I would help Kevin spread the word, it sounds like a great book idea.

THE ADOPTION PROJECT:  I am working on a special project that will combine the shared experiences of adult adoptees, First mothers, and Adoptive parents, in a powerful way to send an empowering and inspirational message to today’s adoptees.  If you are interested in sharing from your own experience please contact me for the particulars @    Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net. 

Some more info about the project that Kevin shared with me:

Each page of the book will include a member of the triad.  It would include your bio, where you are from etc.  Then the next portion of the page would be your message to adoptees speaking from your experience.  Something you wish you knew growing up about adoption(adoptees), the frustrations about adoption, etc.(adoptees, parents)  A love letter to your adoptee,  the real story and feelings behind relinquishing a child,  a love letter to your child(first mom and dads).

We want this to be inspiring but at the same time real.  We want it to be positive but also we want to share the reality of adoption. 

If you are interested in learning more about this project or being a part of it, please email Kevin for more info at:
Kevin8967@sbcglobal.net

How do the adoptive parents make you feel?

As a mother who placed, how do the adoptive parents make you feel?

This question was asked on a forum I belong to recently.  Normally I ignore most of the adoption questions there, but for some reason this one keeps coming back to me.  When an idea or thought gets stuck in my head, it usually means it is something that I need to deal with for some reason.

One of the reasons I started to write and blog about my adoption story was because I was having such a hard time putting my thoughts and feelings into words.  I often felt like I just had a bunch of random words and bits of thoughts swirling like a tornado in my brain.  When I would try to put them into a cohesive thought or sentence, I couldn't.  It's like I had spent so many years, decades, hiding from the thoughts and feelings about my son and his adoption, it became all but impossible to finally face them and put words to them.   This blog has helped me with that so much.  It helped me to come fully out of the fog and finally know and accept the effects of adoption loss on my life.  I finally put an end to the constant tornado.

I had all but forgotten that feeling of the swirling thoughts that wouldn't settle down no matter how hard I tried.  Trying to put thoughts or words together to describe how Christopher's parents make me feel have brought it right back.  I am going to attempt to answer that question, hoping that by writing it out I will figure it out.

The very first and most simple thought/feeling that comes to mind when thinking about them is gratefulness.  It seems... wrong somehow?  to want to express my thanks to them for being wonderful parents to Christopher though.  I don't know why it feels wrong, but it does.  Maybe because of the hurt I felt when I read his mothers words of thanks to me for my "selfless decision".  The thanks were meant completely out of love and gratefulness, and I did read them as loving words, but it later felt like a kick in the stomach, a "thanks for living with life-long grief and loss that is unimaginable by anyone who has not lived the life of a mother without her child".  Maybe I feel ambivalent about saying that I feel grateful to his parents because to them it could be seen as hurtful, not with the love that I mean it in; but since I am not an adoptive parent I don't realize how those words could be perceived as hurtful.  (Those were some rambling sentences ~ I hope that they make at least a little sense!)

So.  Overall, how do Christopher's parents make me feel?  ... Confused?  Intrusive?  Sad?  I guess that since I have no idea how they feel about me, about me being in their son's life, it just leaves me wondering. 

After I gave Christopher up, I often fantasized that I was somehow able to write to his mom.  I used to actually write the letters, but had nowhere to mail them to.  I imagined that I was able to become pen-pals of sorts with her.  I dreamed that I was able to KNOW, not hope, how he was doing as he grew up.   I was able to learn the funny things he said and did as he was growing up.  I got to read about when he started to walk and talk, ride a bike, start school...  I was able to learn how her life was changed as a mother to a son.  I was able to see photos of him, of them, as Christopher grew up so I could stop looking at every little boy his age and wonder if it could have been him.  I wanted her to know how my life was going too.  I wanted her to know the milestones that happened in my life.  I guess I mostly hoped that she cared how I was doing.  I felt a bond of sorts between us ~ two mothers with a deep and profound love for the same child.  I still feel that bond, even though we have never met, even though we have never become the "pen-pals" that I dreamed of.

I guess how his parents make me feel is wanting.  Wanting to know them, wanting to act on that bond I feel with his mother.  Wanting to be a part of their family and for them to be a part of mine.  Wanting to have a relationship in real-life, not just in my heart.

Susie

 

I received a comment on old post the other day.  It has me thinking about open adoption, as well as adoption in general. 

Open adoption is "sold" as better for those adopted as well as the natural families.  But.  Is it?? 

It would have been so wonderful to have been able to know that Christopher was alive and well, healthy and happy.  I used to fantasize often that I had been able to find his parents and write letters back and forth with them.  I often wished that I could have seen him throughout the years ~ been a bug on the wall to see what he looked like, to hear him laugh and talk.  However, for myself, I really don't think I could have participated in a fully open adoption.  I wanted to be a mom to my son.  Since that wasn't possible, I had to completely shut myself off from my motherhood to survive life without him.  If I had been told that I could not choose adoption without it being fully open, I would have chosen to raise my son.  There is no way I could have been a part of his life yet not fully be his mother.  A fully open adoption would have been like rubbing salt in an open wound.  I can't imagine how much worse my anger at my parents would have been ~ to see the son whose life I was missing out on because I refused to raise him in that house.  To have it in my face what my life could have been like (as a mother) if I had received one ounce of love or support (emotional, not financial) from my family.  Of course, I will never know what the reality of open adoption would have been ~ maybe it would have been better...   Who knows...

I can't speak for the adoptee side of open adoption.  Chris' comments make me think about the reality of open adoption on the child growing up.  Just as with everything in life, people react differently in similar situations.  While I know there are some children thriving in their open adoption situations, there are also other children suffering, as in the case that sparked my post "First Family and Forever Family".  There are probably just as many possible downfalls to open adoption as there are benefits for those adopted.  There are just so many variances in experiences, so many differences in the natural and adoptive families, so many things that can change the effects of one open adoption to another.   Open adoption is only as good as the natural and adoptive families work together to make it.  And yet, (this post) shows that even with great relationships between the families the reality can be painful for the child. 

I don't think the question of open adoption being better or worse for the child growing up will ever really be answered.  The problem isn't about which is better.  I think the question needs to be "Is adoption truly necessary in this case?"  Before it even gets to the point that a decision for open or closed adoption is necessary, every effort should be made to first help keep the original family intact.  If a child is being born into a loving family safe from abuse or neglect, they don't need another family ~ they already have one.  Adoption should not be looked at as an answer to temporary problems.  Adoption should not be sold as "a loving choice" to mothers who love their child deeply and would give their right arm to raise her child, but is made to feel "less than" because of age, money, marital status, etc.  "First Family and Forever Family" is a great example of adoption being a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

I'm not the only one blogging about open adoption today.  For an adoptee's view on open adoption, go visit Amanda.  

***************

 
I had a moment of panic when I first saw the comment from Chris.  I still worry that my son may find this blog one day and think that I have this horribly depressing life because he was born.  That is far from the reality of my life.  I do not write here because my life is all "woe is me, I gave my son up for adoption".  I write here now mostly to advocate for family preservation.  In advocating for family preservation, I am not saying that I would deny my son one moment of the life he has lived.  I am so very lucky that he has had a great life with a wonderful and loving family.   I probably laugh much more in the course of one day than I am saddened by adoption loss in an entire month.  The only place I "talk" about the effects of adoption in my life is here on this blog, and in the blogging/adoption forums.  So of course if you only know me by this blog, you would think that adoption loss is my life.  It is not.  Despite having adoption in it, I have a wonderful life ~ with more blessings than I can count.   

I never dreamed that anyone would want to read my rambling thoughts, my "therapy" of getting all of this out of my head.  The therapy part of writing about adoption in my life was the main reason for starting this blog, but I also want this blog to be a place where an expectant mother considering adoption can find information regarding the truth of adoption loss and family preservation so she can make a fully informed decision for or against adoption.  

Susie

 

Stop Shorstein Network

I post today to help spread the word about a class-action lawsuit against Shorstein Advocacy Group for using coercion and fraud when soliciting expectant mothers.

From Pound Pup Legacy:

Shorstein, a lawyer in Florida known as the "adoption kingpin" is now being sued in Florida courts for using coercion and fraud when soliciting first parents.

He has been known to make promises of open adoption to first parents, and the adoptions quickly close within 3 years-5 years. The significance of this time frame, is that in most cases, it is five years that a person is able to file a lawsuit within the limit of statues time frame. In other words, contact is discontinued at a the pivotal time that first parents have to reinforce their rights.

And sometimes there is a miracle. Now, all mothers and fathers who have been coerced by Michael Shorstein or who have gone through First Coast Adoption Professionals and had Kathleen Stevens as the counselor can now seek relief. All people, regardless of when the adoption happened can now stand up for their rights and join a class action lawsuit against Shorstein and the agency.

Please pass this message along to any person who may have been affected by these people. We want all people who have been made promises to be able to stand up and join this lawsuit. For parents who are new, and whose open adoption is still open, this is your chance to make sure it does not close.

 From Stop Shorstein Advocacy Group:

Stop Shorstein Network

Families united against Shorstein to bring their children home

The Stop Shorstein Network Is Looking For Families Who Lost Their Children To Fraudulent Adoption Practices In Florida!

The Stop Shorstein Network needs to contact families who have been coerced into signing away their rights to their child(ren) by Shorstein. Hundreds of families have been victimized. Please join with us. Together we can create change.

•  Were promises made to you that were false and damaging?
• Did you sign legal documents under false pretenses?
• Were you manipulated, coerced, or tricked?
• Have they made excuse after excuse for failing to follow through with their promises?
• Have you been denied the relationship with your children that you were promised?
• Have you and your children been harmed and damaged?

You aren't alone in your pain. Please connect with us today.

email: reunite@stopshorstein.info

 

"Adoption Myth Buster: What It Takes To Wake"

I read an interesting article in the Huffington Post tonight.  The author, Jennifer Lauck, is an adoptee and the author of the New York Times Bestsellers, Blackbird and Found: A Memoir.  This current article is titled "Adoption Myth Buster: What It Takes To Wake".  The article is about her awakening from "magical thinking" about her adoption, to the realization of the true effects adoption has had on her life.  


Many things about this article broke this mother's heart.  There were several studies referenced regarding the effects of  infant separation trauma.  I have come to learn of some of these effects in the years following my reunion.  It is still heartbreaking to know that many of us first mothers chose adoption because we believed that what we were doing was only for the best for our children.  Yet, before either one of us left the hospital, life-long damage could already have been done to our children.  


One of the studies referenced was by Joseph Chilton Pearce, an author and human development scholar.  The study states that it takes less than forty-five minutes for an infant separated from his mother to  impact the brain and functions like sight.  I haven't heard of Mr. Pearce before, but I have added a couple of his books to my "read someday" list.  The thing that most interests me about Mr. Pearce is that he is certified as a HeartMath trainer, and is developing extensive insights into the heart-brain connection.  I haven't heard of this before, it sounds fascinating.   Hopefully I can learn more about this someday. 


Lauck also referrenced a study that showed that within six hours of separation from the mother, babies experienced "protest-despair" biology and "hyper-arousal and dissociation" response patterns. The conclusion of the Randomized Controlled Trial was: newborns should not be separated from their mothers.


Lauck states that many professional organizations have made recommendations promoting skin-to-skin contact and oppose routine separation of mother and infant.  My daughter-in-law, (who is due to deliver my grandson in just two weeks!) told me just the other day that her doctor puts the newborn infant directly onto momma's bare chest immediately after birth and leaves the baby there with the mother as long as possible.  They don't even take the baby to wash him/her off until the family has had time to meet each other.  The only time he does not do this is if there is a medical emergency preventing it.  


One of the most surprising references that Lauck wrote about is that of a former Catholic priest, Bert Hellinger.  Hellinger writes in his book  Love's Hidden Symmetry:   "In its most destructive form, inappropriate adoption can lead to illness and even suicide of the natural children."  I found it very interesting when reading about his book that he refers to the natural parents as "mom" and "dad" and the adoptive parents as "adoptive mother" and "adoptive father", and the adoptee as the "adopted child".  


Lauck finishes this excellent article talking about the understanding of and value of motherhood. 


I cannot agree more with one of the last sentences in the article:

To force a mother to choose between keeping her offspring or losing acceptance by the culture is to force her to split in half and as a result, to collapse. Rather than divide mothers, can we keep women intact, empower them and thus empower children to feel whole, safe and content?  

Indeed.  What a world it would be if we could do this! 

Some Great Things I Have Learned In Blog-Land

I decided to add a couple of pages to my blog.

One page is a place to record some of the great blog posts I have read.  When I was first "coming out of the fog", I found much comfort and learned a lot from the words of other mothers and of adoptees.  I wanted to make a list of the posts that I think will help someone wanting to learn about living with adoption loss.

The other page I have added is for a review of the books I have read about adoption.  It is a short list right now, as I haven't really been reading any books lately.  I used to read all the time, but now my attention span isn't long enough to concentrate on a book.

Visit Claud and Comment to Oprah

Claud has a great post today, a letter to Oprah Winfrey.  Claud tells us at the end of her post  "I invite every reader, lurker or visitor of this post to add a comment addressed to Oprah asking for her help and explaining why."

 I think this is a wonderful idea, so I thought I would spread the word.  Claud is a wonderful writer, if you don't know about her yet, you should browse her blog for a while.  On the right side of the page, about half way down, she has a link to her most popular posts.

I know I haven't posted for a while.  I've actually been working on a page to add to this blog.  It will be a page with links to some of my favorite blog posts, some great research pages, and adoption related videos.  Great resources for mothers considering adoption, for first moms coming out of the fog, anyone wanting to learn about the effects of adoption on those of us who actually live with it.  When I was first reunited, I thought I was losing my mind.  I had so many thoughts and feelings that contradicted everything I had been told, everything I had believed to be the truth.  Finding some of these bloggers truly saved my sanity.  They let me know I was not crazy ~ everything I was feeling was the truth, was "normal" for my not-so-normal life.  Hopefully in the next few days I will have enough info to get the page added.

Another reason I haven't been writing much is because I've finally been back in my sewing room!  I finally finished the quilt I started making my daughter over a year ago, but hadn't worked on for about 9 months.  I also have a new grandson who will be born in about four weeks, and now a beautiful quilt is almost ready for him!  I will have to post some photos here one day.  I do have a life outside of all this "adoption" stuff you know!

Happy February everyone!  Only 48 days until spring!