We natural mothers long for a kind of normalcy with our reunited daughters and sons that we cannot have. What has gone on before will not allow it.Oh how I long for "normalcy". Even though I know normalcy is unrealistic ~adoption takes away any sense of normal. Adoption is not normal...
A comment from Von: I think we all long for normalcy, but for many adoptees, most if not all, it is not possible, never will be because of the loss which reunion never 'cures', makes up for or deletes. How to trust someone who walked out on us?I hope that Christopher trusts me. I hope he believes my promise to only be honest with him, no matter what he may ask. I hope he knows that I won't ever walk out on him again. (Just had a thought ~ maybe he thinks it isn't a good thing that he will never be rid of me! Poor kid is stuck with me forever!)
Kristie says: I don't believe that adoptees go "in and out", "advance and retreat". We just live as we always have, not knowing where exactly we belong, trying to protect ourselves all along the way.So how exactly does any reunion go smoothly? If both of us are trying to protect ourselves along the way? How do we get "beyond" that? God, what I wouldn't give to be able to sit down with Christopher and have an honest to goodness "heart to heart" and just get it all out there without either of us taking anything the wrong way, without either of us hearing something in a hurtful way when it's not meant to be hurtful. Maybe one day...
Kristi says: But the reality is that .... For you, we are that missing part of yourself that was ripped from your body. To us, you are a curiosity - "who, what, why, when, how and where" is what we really want to know.This is something I wish that every expectant mother considering adoption could know, I mean really and truly KNOW. I wish that I could have known this before reunion, before my heart went all out crazy thinking I had my son fully back in my life. Not all adoptees feel this way, but many do. Then there are the adoptees who do not feel this way, but will never let us know differently out of fear of being rejected again. Or out of fear of being unloyal to the mothers who raised them. This is a possibility that we must be ready for though ~ we may only be to our sons and daughters the answers to long wondered questions. They already have a mom who they love and who fully loves our sons and daughters in return. Our sons and daughters may never have had, may never have, a need for a mother/son mother/daughter relationship with us. I've touched on this topic before ~ I'm not saying it's "wrong" for an adopted person to feel this way, it's just a possible truth in adoption.
"We cannot sustain a loving heart in a constant state of confusion and imbalance. We start setting up our own protective walls."I have done that. Built the walls. Again. The love I feel for Christopher, that I can't express, because some don't understand ~ and worse, the others who don't care to try to understand. It's just too much sometimes to deal with ~ it's easier if I push it down, bury it, keep it hidden behind those protective walls. I wish that it could be like it was when first in reunion again... I find myself hiding the depths of my feelings from Christopher himself. Sadly, I think I started building up the walls at a time that most people would begin tearing them down. On the day that we were finally going to meet in person for the first time. The only way I knew I would be able to make it without crying is if I wouldn't let the reality of the moment sink in. So I buried it. Made the meeting "less than" in my mind. And heart. I didn't allow myself to think about the past, I took the baby I gave up for adoption out of the day. I was simply meeting the young man I had been happily getting to know through many emails. I hate that I did that. I hate that my "survival mode" is so strong that it could take over such a huge moment in my life. I hate to admit this to myself, much less put it out there in writing. (I will be surprised if I don't erase this last bit before posting!)
From a comment, which sums this all up so very well (my emphasis):
..This, I believe, is not intentional on most people's parts. It is part of the dysfunction of adoption. What happened to us was so incredibly unnatural. In more civilized societies, children and parents would never be legally banned from knowing each other even if other people are doing the upbringing of the child. The inhumanity is damaging and reunification is anything but simple.