Friday, September 30, 2011

A Tragic Loss ~ Blessings Realized

My community experienced a tragic death earlier this week.  39 years old, a wonderful husband, father, son, brother, uncle suddenly gone.

I was one of the people with his wife when the realization hit her that her husband very well could have been in the early morning accident we were all waiting to hear the details of.

I was one of the people to see her face when the sheriffs deputies came into the building and said that they needed to talk to her.

I cannot get the look on her face out of my mind.  I can still hear her words and cries.  That moment is etched into my brain and is haunting me.

Soon after that the school bus carrying their young children arrived at my school.  They didn't yet know there had been an accident, didn't know that their father had died.  We all had to carry on as though it was a normal school day.  The kids' teachers had to find the strength to smile and pretend.  I had to go get them from class when a family friend arrived later to bring them home.  I felt as though was leading them out of their happy little life, into a horrible new life without their daddy.

For once I was so thankful for my inability to cry, to pretend that everything was ok...

Later that day I called my husband and our kids  ~ I needed to hear their voices and know they were ok and tell them again how much I loved them.  Later that night, when I knew he would be done with dinner and bedtime routines, I called Christopher.  It was so good for my heart and soul to hear his voice again.

That horrendous day made me realize that while I may not have the reunion of my dreams ~ I do know that Christopher and his family are happy and healthy and loved by so many.  I was able to pick up the phone and let him know how much they are all loved by me.  If not for reunion, I would have been lost in the worrying that he may have suffered a death like the one earlier that morning. So sad that it took a tragedy for me to appreciate all that I do have in reunion, instead of looking at what I don't yet have. 

Life is too short.  Life can change in the blink of an eye.  Tell those you love that you love them.  

Give freely of your love and hugs ~ 
for you never know when it may be the last time you can give them.
I count all of you blog-land "friends" as blessings in my life ~ 
many of you have touched my life in ways you will never know.  

I wish each and every one of you to know the joy I have been so blessed to have in finding Christopher.  
To those of you searching, I hope you find.  
To those of you waiting to be accepted into your child's life ~ 
I hope your wait ends soon.  
To those of you with empty arms, I hope they are soon filled.

Thank you all for being there for me in this journey of Finding Myself. 



Tuesday, September 6, 2011

One Of These Days (I'm Gonna Love Me)

I often dream about songs.  I will wake up and have a tune in my head ~ sometimes I know what the song is, sometimes I only hear the tune.  There have been many times that I dream of the same song over and over.  Often I find that it's a subconscious nudge to me that there is something I need to pay attention to. 

In the spring of 1998 I woke up many mornings with the same tune in my head before I realized what song it was from.  I still remember the first time I heard this song and actually listened to the words to see why it was haunting my dreams.  I still remember being breathless as I listened to the last verse of the song:

One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me

I cried as I prayed that God would please let me know that joy one day.  Oh how I needed that sweet release, to rise above myself.  I was tired of being someone I didn't like.  Tired of being someone who felt as though she didn't deserve to have anyone's love.  Because I had been stupid enough to have sex with someone I didn't even really know very well.  I hated myself because I gave my own child away.  I hated myself for what I thought was being weak ~ because I hadn't done what "they" said I would do ~ get on with my life.  They said that one day I would have children "of my own" as though that would make the memory of my firstborn unnecessary.  I felt that every time I would think of Christopher I was "purposely" thinking of him, just to feel sorry for myself.  I thought that was... pathetic.  To use an innocent baby/child to feel sad.  On purpose.  I couldn't figure out why the hell I would do that.  I had plenty of other things going on in my life to be sad about, why was I dredging up the baby I couldn't raise to be sad?? 

I know, I know...  my beliefs back then didn't make any sense. 

This song is what first woke me up to how absurd my thought processes were.   I listened to it over and over, several times a day for a long time.  It helped me to start the process of learning to forgive myself.  I realized that I was putting things on myself that I didn't deserve.  I think the day I heard these lyrics was the day that I began my journey out of the fog of adoption loss.  I wasn't "purposely" thinking of Christopher just to feel sad.  I was feeling sad because of the loss of him. 

I heard this song for the first time in a long time today.  I found myself right back at the moment I first heard it.  It also made me remember that I have been waking up to a new tune lately.  A tune that's only a few notes, no idea what song it's from yet.  I wonder what revelations this next song may have?