I often dream about songs. I will wake up and have a tune in my head ~ sometimes I know what the song is, sometimes I only hear the tune. There have been many times that I dream of the same song over and over. Often I find that it's a subconscious nudge to me that there is something I need to pay attention to.
In the spring of 1998 I woke up many mornings with the same tune in my head before I realized what song it was from. I still remember the first time I heard this song and actually listened to the words to see why it was haunting my dreams. I still remember being breathless as I listened to the last verse of the song:
One of these days I'm gonna love me
And feel the joy of sweet release
One of these days I'll rise above me
And at last I'll find some peace
And then I'm gonna smile a little
And maybe even laugh a little
But one of these days...
I'm gonna love me
I cried as I prayed that God would please let me know that joy one day. Oh how I needed that sweet release, to rise above myself. I was tired of being someone I didn't like. Tired of being someone who felt as though she didn't deserve to have anyone's love. Because I had been stupid enough to have sex with someone I didn't even really know very well. I hated myself because I gave my own child away. I hated myself for what I thought was being weak ~ because I hadn't done what "they" said I would do ~ get on with my life. They said that one day I would have children "of my own" as though that would make the memory of my firstborn unnecessary. I felt that every time I would think of Christopher I was "purposely" thinking of him, just to feel sorry for myself. I thought that was... pathetic. To use an innocent baby/child to feel sad. On purpose. I couldn't figure out why the hell I would do that. I had plenty of other things going on in my life to be sad about, why was I dredging up the baby I couldn't raise to be sad??
I know, I know... my beliefs back then didn't make any sense.
This song is what first woke me up to how absurd my thought processes were. I listened to it over and over, several times a day for a long time. It helped me to start the process of learning to forgive myself. I realized that I was putting things on myself that I didn't deserve. I think the day I heard these lyrics was the day that I began my journey out of the fog of adoption loss. I wasn't "purposely" thinking of Christopher just to feel sad. I was feeling sad because of the loss of him.
I heard this song for the first time in a long time today. I found myself right back at the moment I first heard it. It also made me remember that I have been waking up to a new tune lately. A tune that's only a few notes, no idea what song it's from yet. I wonder what revelations this next song may have?
Susie
Wow, I could really relate to this post. I felt exactly the same way - that I was purposely trying to be sad! That I was wallowing or something and that I should just "get over it." And I thought I was pathetic as well.
ReplyDeleteIt's so sad that so many of us felt this way for so long and had to go through it alone. ((((Susie))))
"One of these days I'm gonna love me."
ReplyDeleteYes, Susie, do it. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Because what you think and feel about yourself is the most important opinion you'll ever get. Don't leave that up to others. Because they don't know...