Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tornadoes of Thoughts

So many things about adoption and reunion cause tornadoes of thoughts for me.  I often find myself with contradicting thoughts swirling through my head.

One of them is regret.  On the one hand, I deeply regret giving my son up for adoption.  Oh, how I would love to go back and be able to raise Christopher.  What I wouldn't give to be able to do that.  But then, would I be denying him the life he has had?  Does my wishing I had raised him say that I would deny him the family he grew up with & loves?

Another thing I often wish is that he felt something for me, or maybe something more.  I don't want to speak for him, but I don't think he feels much for me because he has no desire to meet in person.  On the one hand it hurts to know that he does not feel a desire to "know" me.  But then the swirling begins and I think that it's a good thing that he doesn't.  I'm glad that he did not live his life feeling a huge void because of me.  It would be so hard to know that he grew up hurting because of me ~ I never wanted to hurt him.

Then there's my mom.  I wish that she was still alive so she could know about my reunion with Christopher.  On the other hand, I'm glad that I don't have to work through all of my reunion stuff with her too.  I don't think I could tell her the truth about why I really gave him up.  How do you tell your mother that she was a huge part in you losing your child??  No matter how ugly things were, she was my mom & I love her ~ I would never want to hurt her.

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy ~


  1. I understand where you are coming from. I am in contact with my daughter but it's very little. Sometimes, I feel that I am pushing myself on her. I feel like she could give or take me. My daughter appears to be very happy with her life but I still regret her being adopted out and I still feel guilty for not being there for her. I do a lot of wishy washy.. mixed emotions. My Mom was the reason my daughter was placed and I haven't had it in me yet to tell her about our contact. I personally still don't trust her and feel that she could do something to scare my daughter away.

  2. Susie, this post breaks my heart in such a profound way. I so much appreciated your comment on my latest post and wanted to read more about your story...

    I can't help but think of my sweet Ty and pray that he never feels disinterest toward Rebekah, because I know how much her heart bleeds for him. It may be naive, but all I can hope is that our open relationship will override any awkward animosity or lack of interest that could come.

    I love your heart and writing and plan to check back in on you. Thank you for your voice :).

  3. How do you tell your mother that she was a huge part in you losing your child?? No matter how ugly things were, she was my mom & I love her ~ I would never want to hurt her.

    Good point. My mother never got how she had hurt me by insisting on my son's adoption. We weren't a totally functional family, but with their support I could have kept my son. Except for what the neighbors would think... sign...

    Once she was gone, my father owned up to how they had hurt me. It meant something. Although it certainly didn't undo the past,

    Nothing could.

    They were hesitant about my reunion, took way too long to jump in and accept it. More damage.

    By the time they were willing, my son's life was in such disarray that they backed off again, and I can't blame them for that. His life is totally beyond their experience of normalcy. And even mine. But as his mother, I've tried to hang in. Not possible of late.

    But I still think about what might have been.