Thursday, January 6, 2011


This notebook doodle really has me thinking. 

I define my life in 3 stages.

Before Christopher
After giving him up for adoption
After reunion

Was it meant to be?  Was he not meant to stay in my life?  I do not believe in "destiny", as far as my life being pre-destined.  I don't believe that I was born to give birth to a child I could not raise.  I don't believe that Christopher was conceived by me in order for N & F to become parents.  Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done.  My life changed drastically at that point in my life.  


Saying hello again in reunion was the change that broke me down, making me more vulnerable than I ever thought possible.  There have been many times during these last (almost) two years that made me think this change was more than I could bear.  There were many times I wished I could go back into that lovely place called Denial.  In some ways being in denial was so much easier.  In reality though, this change has saved my life.  I finally had answers.  I knew my son was alive.  I saw the ways that the loss of my son, the denial of the grief from that loss, was effecting every aspect of my life.  In finally being vulnerable, by telling my story, I have found strength.  In being vulnerable, I have begun to finally live an authentic life.  

In the weeks after Thanksgiving, I had come to realize there is another change that is necessary for my well-being.  I needed to accept that my "fantasy" reunion is just that.  It is a fantasy.  The reality of our reunion is a happy one.  We have discovered that we have a lot in common.  We have answered many questions for each other.  Christopher came into this reunion only wanting info, yet he quickly said he wanted "more".  Even though he does not email frequently anymore, he will reply when I send him one.  We are Facebook friends.  This is so much more than I ever thought I would have.  

The change I have made is that instead of praying for Christopher to want "more", I have been praying for acceptance.  Acceptance for what is.  I have felt at peace with this for a couple of weeks now.  I cannot change the way Christopher feels (or doesn't feel) about me, but I can change the way I look at our reunion, our relationship.  

I still have hopes for our relationship to grow deeper in the future.  I still yearn to see photos of him as a child, photos of him growing up.  I still pray that some day I will get to meet his family, that I will have a chance to know my grandchildren.  I will always hope that some day Christopher will want "more"; in his own time, not mine.  I accept where we are at right now.  I rejoice in what we have right now.  

Acceptance of what I have versus what I dream of is a welcome change to my weary heart and soul.

The "change" that reunion brought into my life became too much for me to bear as it had been.  I believe that this latest change, acceptance, is the only thing that saved my sanity through the holidays and now into this new year.

As long as we are seeking something, 
be it a state of being or something material, 
we will always be seeking. 
When we stop and accept what ever it is we are seeking, 
we allow the experience of it.


  1. I have read your blog for awhile now. I never commented because I always felt like I was "taking" away from your experience and that is the LAST thing I would ever want to do.

    My child was stolen .. I mean "adopted" by my mom's sister. They told my son (who is now 21) that I abused him, that his birth fathers family abused him, that I choose to NOT have a realtionship with him. When I emailed him and told him the TRUTH he told me "I don't care about the past. I don't want to think where I would be now without them (meaning the stealing family.)

    I wish I did not KNOW what they told him. How they justified their LIES. They stole my son, brainwashed him to hate me and it HURTS so VERY much!

    I wish to God that I DID NOT know what they had told him.

  2. I don't see how anything but good can come from this kind of acceptance Susie.

    Acceptance doesn't mean we have no hope, it just means exactly what you've said, "I accept where we are at right now. I rejoice in what we have right now."

  3. "In being vulnerable, I have begun finally to live an authentic life"
    I understand completely. Denial can feel like a very safe place to be but what's inside is still there eating away at our core. Sharing our stories frees us and makes us stronger. I think all of us in reunion have something we wish were different but then isn't that what we wish about all the decades previous?

    Thanks for sharing. I hope you continue to feel the gratitude that you know your son and that you share a closer relationship with him soon.

  4. Amy, My heart bleeds for you. You are a brave brave woman! (((((hugs)))))

    Susie, You are a remarkably wonderful soul. I have had a vision of what I "hope" reunion will be like and what type of relationship I would love to have with my dd if/when I do find her or she finds me. I haven't wanted to think about the variables at play that may impact such a new relationship. It has been just too unpredictable, too overwhelming, and too far out of my control to worry about.