Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I'm Beginning To Fear The Birth Of My Grandson

My son and his wife are going to be welcoming their son into the world sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Last week we thought perhaps he was going to make an early appearance, but he seems to be settling in for the long haul now. 

They want to be alone in the delivery room, without any extended family.  They seemed to think that I would be offended, but I am not in the least.  I am so happy for them, so happy for this new little family that is being born.  It is a special moment for them, one that should be sacred and honored.  (I, of course, will be as close to the door as possible, so when we get the word to come meet Baby Boy I will be right there!)

My DIL was telling me about the latest discussion she had with her doctor regarding the delivery.  He believes that the baby needs immediate skin-to-skin contact with momma, for as long as possible.  He will lay Baby Boy on her chest immediately after delivery, so the new family can all say their hellos.  Apgar scores will be done as required, but as far as bathing, weighing and measuring, that will all wait. 

I am so very excited for the birth of this new grandson.  Of our six grandchildren from my raised kids, only the oldest is a boy ~ the next 5 are girls.  We are long past due for another boy!  Grandson #1 is now 12, so he could be a babysitter to # already.  I cannot wait to meet him, kiss his baby cheeks, get a big whiff of his "fountain of youth" baby scalp. 

These last few days though, I have realized I am also beginning to have some fear about the birth of this grandson.  It will be the first time since reunion that a grandchild has been born.  And he's a boy.  Who will be welcomed into the world wrapped in love, with immediate bonding with his mom and dad. 

Since reunion, since coming out of the fog, one of my biggest regrets (other than having to choose adoption in the first place), is that I did not know that I WAS my son's mom.  I had every right to see him after birth.  Instead, he was taken from me immediately after birth.  I don't even remember if I heard his first cry. 

It haunts me.  The thought of my son, an innocent newborn.  Suffering through birth, and immediately taken from his mother.  Forever.  Did anyone comfort him?  Or did they leave him to cry?  Was he loved by anyone in his first days while in the hospital? 

I still have been unable to really cry and grieve the loss of my son.  My heart skips a beat at the thought of the moment my new grandson will be placed in my arms.  While next to me will be his mother and father who welcomed him into the world in such a loving way.  The loving welcome that my firstborn son did not get. 

I'm scared that this will be too much, that it will finally be my breaking point.  I'm scared that instead of being a complete moment of joy for my new grandson, it will be just as much a moment of extreme grief for my firstborn son.  For that innocent baby who was denied a loving birth...


  1. (((hugs)))

    I hope that any sadness you feel is outweighed by all the joy you feel for your grandson. Good luck and I'll be sending good thoughts your way!

  2. Oh Susie, I absolutely understand where you are coming from. I did hold my daughter after she was born but I did not know that my child needed her mother, not a replacement mother. I know that sounds crazy to not know the basics like that but I honestly did not. I thought it was just me being selfish for wanting to hold her not that she needed ME on such a primal level. We didn't know. You can not beat yourself up for not being told that, adoption agencies like to keep those things from mothers. You did not purposely ignore your son. You did as you were told.

    If you break down after your grandson is born that is okay. This is why you have a community of natural mothers and adoptees here for you. You just need to reach out. You are not alone on this at all.


  3. Susie, I can totally relate. My granddaughter was born just two months after I reunited with my son. I didn't live close enough to be at her birth, thankfully, because I'm sure I never would have made it through. I worried that it would be a boy. She was two months old when I visited and I was so nervous about seeing and holding her. Eventually my fear and sadness turned to joy. (((Hang in there)))

  4. Oh Wow! I totally see why your would be scared of this day. I hope you make it through the day with more happiness than tears of sadness but I know sometimes it doesn't always go that way with new babies.

  5. Hugs. This must be an incredibly bittersweet time.

    I think it's wonderful you can share in the joy of your grandson's birth. I am happy for you, and you are in my thoughts. It is very painful to think about what might have been.

  6. All those memories that come up when anything connected to our relinquishment and children...they are endless and come from everywhere. I used to think that maybe one day it wouldn't be like that...but think again. It is what it is.

    You'll be fine. And someday you will find that you are able to totally grieve for your loss. I cried of course when my daughter died, but I more fully grieved and wept two years later when I was contacted by the daughter of the young man I did not marry...because if I had...I wouldn't be writing here today, I would not have had a child I gave up, my life would have been so different.

    Her finding me unleashed a torrent of emotions, for which I have been grateful to process, and now she is in my life for oddly enough, she needed me as much as I needed her.

    Lorraine from First Mother Forum

  7. Thank you so much for sharing this & being so vulnerable...it helps me to understand better perhaps the emotion my Korean mother is experiencing...I imagine the birth of my son has been an emotionally complex experience for my Korean mother...I know it has been for me as an adoptee...