Sunday, January 22, 2012

For Those Separated By Adoption

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption.  After all, I was the one who gave him away!  Who was I to butt into his life?  If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him.  Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him? 

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son.  My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told. 

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in.  Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption.  Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son.  Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher.  The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life.  2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered. 

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing.  Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life. 

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason.  The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none.  I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher.  I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet. 

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life.  {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.)  Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus. 

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life.  It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning.  But it was SO worth it.  The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free. 

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial.  There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor.  There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son. 

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!!!


  1. "Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son. "

    I know a few Mothers who believed it was against the law. How sad...Im glad you were brave enough to search and deal with all the emotions- it's not easy, but like you said, it's much better to live a life of truth!

    1. Great point Linda. Even on the hardest days, even when I was feeling that things were falling apart in our reunion ~ living in the truth of it was so much better than living in a lie!

  2. i'm so happy for you. You know I'm so stuck right now. I've given myself a deadline of next weekend to post the blog for him. Keep your fingers crossed that I have the strength to keep to it and that he'll respond positively to it. Your post made me cry. I'm worried that I won't have the strength to deal with the consequences of the next move. Not feeling much luck here, hope I don't screw this up.

    Glad this all worked out for you.

    Talk soon,

    1. Can you feel the big cyber hug I'm giving you right now Laurie? Reading your words brought me right back into the feelings of the unknown, the being lost in it all. Stay strong girl ~ you can do it! When you find yourself being sucked down into the muck, try to turn the worrying into a prayer or blessing. I honestly believe that sending out only negative energy brings about the negative. Even if you can only muster up a tiny bit of positive to mix into the worrying, you are still making progress. Live in your truth and you won't screw it up!

      Sending you lots of positive vibes & love! Susie