Thursday, February 16, 2012

Missing Him

So Blue Missing You

I miss Christopher....

I want so badly to see him again. I want to hear his voice. I want to hear his laughter. I want to simply just watch him be.

No.  That's not entirely the truth...

It's more than a want.  My heart and my soul needs to see him, to hear him, to just be with him...

I dream of spending time with him.  Of talking to him simply as mother and son.  Not as two people dancing around the years lost, around unknown boundaries, dancing around the fear of words said and unsaid. 

I don't know what has triggered this. These last few days I have been overwhelmed with it.  I miss my son with all of my being...

Maybe it is brought on by the passing of time.  Or by his continued silence.  Although when he does write he seems to write "deeper" than he used to...    I haven't seen him since last April.  Almost a year ago.  Which is more than many of you have had with your loved ones lost to adoption, I know.


I still miss him...


  1. Sorry Susie. I hope you get to spend some time with him soon.

  2. I'm so sorry and I so understand. I feel the same about my daughter. It's been almost a year since I've had a conversation with her and almost 3 years since I've seen her face. It's hard. It's sad, It's so quiet. (((Susie)))

  3. Very sorry. I miss my daughter too. She moved away and we just didn't get enough time together before she left.

  4. And to think we are the lucky ones. They did meet us. Godl love them for that. But the silence is so hard to take. Why wouldnt my daughter want to talk to me? It's maddening. But she answeres some emails and texts. And she let me come to her town in the fall and is coming in the Spring. I say keep inviting yourself there and inviting him to your home. Who knows if that's right for you but it has worked pretty goog for me.

  5. (((Susie))) I hope you hear something soon!! I don't know which is worse being rejected and not knowing anything or finally having contact and being ignored again. I'm trapped in that wasteland of continual rejection, never knowing.

    Lots and lots of big squishy (((HUGS)))!!!!

  6. (((HUGS))) I understand. Wish I knew a way to ease your pain.

  7. Susie, I know this must be so difficult. Remember me, the girl of the silver lining? I think it's a good sign that he's starting to write about the deeper things, means he's thinking about them, starting to process them. Keep the communication open and fingers crossed!

    Thinking of you!


  8. (((Susie))) Wish we were both not in this boat. I'm so sorry xxx

  9. Susie, I'm so sorry. Jane told me once that early on in our reunion, she felt hurt that I seemed to pull back. I didn't know I was pulling back. I just had gotten busy with the kids and other things. I didn't feel a need to have regular communication with my birth mother. I had gone without one in my life for 31 years.

    Also, I had intruded in her life, which I had been taught was taboo. I didn't know how the relationship should be, because in my mind the relationship was against the rules. I needed time to put those beliefs aside. My adoptive family was not supportive of my continuing a relationship with Jane. My relationship with her has been compartmentalized from my "real" life. It's very complicated.

    She, on the other hand, debated whether she should call me or if she should wait for me to call her. And she wondered what the right amount of time between phone calls was. She wanted more contact with me, but didn't want to appear pushy, etc. She'd send gifts to me and the kids, which was somewhat overwhelming for me. Gifts always mean something. For me, frequent phone calls would have been easier to process than gifts, but she didn't know that.

    Anyways, I appreciate seeing things from your perspective. I wish I had regularly reassured my birth mother that she was important to me, but I didn't know she craved reassurance. Now that I am a mother to a couple of kids in college, I really fret if they don't call once a week, so I know more of how she felt.

    I don't want to try to psychoanalyze Christopher, and I don't know all of the details in your reunion, but maybe learning about my experience could help you understand some of what he is experiencing.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me Megan. It does help so much to read of how it might be for Christopher. Isn't it sad that both sides in an adoption reunion are often worrying about the same things, yet unable to voice it to the other? So much "garbage" to work out for all of us. Not just our own, but the garbage that society puts on all of us also.

  10. Thank you so much for all of your replies and well-wishes.

    It's hard for me to explain, but I don't feel at all that he's pulling away, or ignoring me. I'm not mad or upset at him or his silence. I know he's just busy with his life, I just simply miss him!

    I'm not as emotional about it lately, it was just really hitting me hard when I wrote this post. I have found that there are just times that I need to get it out of me in order to move past it. That is one of the reasons I write here.

    And getting all the love from you guys truly helps me move past it all too! Thanks for helping me keep my sanity :D