Monday, July 9, 2012

"All In The Family Adoption"

I continue to get hits on my blog from people searching with terms such as "my unmarried daughter is pregnant". 

There is a wonderful new blog written by one such mother.  Kellie writes about her role in her grandchild being given up for adoption.  She writes about the coercion that happened, which she was also a victim of. 

I think that her voice is an important one.  I'm glad that she is writing about her story and I hope that the people searching for advice about their own pregnant daughters find her brutally honest writings and think twice before allowing adoption to be chosen as anything other than a last-choice option for their grandchild.

Here is Kellie's own description of her blog: 

One person looking to spread the news about the tragedies of adoption. My oldest daughter got pregnant at 19. I searched a lot on the Internet about adoption before our granddaughter was born, but I didn't get the information about the grief that first mothers experience. We were totally unprepared. My daughter relinqueshed her daughter to her uncle, my husbands brother, and his wife. This is referred to as "kinship" or "relative" adoption. I want to try to inform others of the pain and grief involved in all adoptions.

I believe others need to stand up for first mothers and adoptees.   They are denied some of the basic rights that we take for granted. Those of us who love and support those who've relinquished or have been relinqueshed need to add our voice to theirs.
Go check out Kellie's blog "All In The Family Adoption".

Welcome to adoption blog-land Kellie!  You are a fabulous writer with an important viewpoint that needs to be read and known about.

On a personal note...
I can only imagine what my life might have been like if I had been able to talk to my own mom after the loss of my son to adoption.  Was she suffering as I was, as Kellie is?  What difference would it have made if I could know of my mom's own possible regret over her part in the loss of my son to adoption?  What difference would it have made to have the compassion and understanding from my mom when I was floundering through the loss of my son alone?

My mom passed away almost 10 years ago while I was still deeply entrenched in the denial.  My mother never spoke to me about the loss of my son to adoption.  I never spoke to her about it either.  I wish it was possible now...


  1. Thanks for the link to the new blog.

    It's interesting to me, sometimes, how entwined the mother/daughter relationship can so often be in the world of adoption.

    My mom never said anything to me one way or the other. After what she had went through as a pregnant teenager during the BSE, she was sure saying nothing was the best way to assure I made my own "choice."

    If only she had known how much I needed her to say something. It took many years but I know we have both done a lot of healing since we've been able to finally talk about the loss we suffered when I gave away my oldest son and her first born grandchild.

  2. Susie,
    I cried when I read this. I was so overwhelmed. Thank you so much for your support. It's been difficult these past couple of years trying to find some meaning in our loss and trying to find some way to forgive myself.
    I'm sorry you lost your mother before you could reconcile your feelings with each other. Given the way I perceive the type of person you are, I would bet your mother grieved as well but didn't want to make you hurt all over again. Or perhaps it was just too difficult for her to express. I hope so much that my acknowledgement and validation of my daughters pain will be enough to salvage our future relationship.
    Your post today means more to me than I can ever express. Thank you.

    1. I hope you find a way to forgive yourself Kellie, you did the best you knew at the time. You speaking out with your blog is more important than you can realize right now.

      I think you are right about my mom, thanks for your kind words. My heart goes out to you and your daughter and I hope upon hope that you will be able to help each other through this and grow stronger despite the immense loss you are living with.

      Sending you much love ~

  3. One year, near my son's birthday, I was crying for my son and my mother found me upset - she told me to get over it.

    1. Oh thedidiest... my heart hurts for you. I am so very, very sorry that you heard those words from your mom. There is no getting over it. Ever. Nobody should EVER expect you to.