Sharing The Words Of An Adoptee

So many times in the last week or two I have attempted to write about that stupid new show on the Oxygen Network, but every time I try I just end up getting mad and my writing turns into a rant.  Reading on their FaceBook page, I found some great posts by an adoptee.  I sent her a message for permission to share her words here as she doesn't have a blog and she said yes! 

I think it's important to know that it's not only the moms who are objecting to this show, it's also the ones who have grown up adopted.  I try to not write about the adoptee experience since I haven't lived it, so I'm happy to be able to share some thoughts from that side of adoption.

From Renee, an adult adoptee, in reply to some adoptive mothers on the "I'm Having Their Baby" FaceBook page:

Laura, I do, actually. Have you ever been an adoptee?

And yes, I do feel that the adoption industry should be abolished. Because it is not focused on the best interest of the children. I don't see it going away in my lifetime, though. So for now, why not consider a few things.

Most of the children adopted at this time are not TRULY unwanted. A few are, but in the majority of these situations, moms have found themselves in a frightening and overwhelming position and are unsure how to handle it. If a FRACTION of the money, time, and resources that are spent facilitating adoption were spent helping, educating and supporting the young women, there'd be even less. Also, there are many other ways to ensure that genuinely unwanted and at-risk children are cared for. Fostering, conservatorship, guardianship, etc. These options can give children stable homes, care, and love without revoking their identities and the very real bonds they have with their families.

If you think that your adopted child is safe from abandonment and attachment issues, you're wrong. Your child bonded with her natural mom while she was growing inside her, and she will grieve that loss throughout her life. People are not plug and play. Her loss will manifest in many ways throughout her life. Your love is not a magic Band-aid that can heal all her wounds. You are one of her mothers, but you will never be her only mother. A woman whose baby dies can never erase that baby's loss by having another. It's precisely the same for your daughter. She lost her first mom. Replacing her with another will never negate that basic and profound loss.

I reunited with my natural mother after both my adoptive parents passed away. I never lacked for love. But I never felt whole until the day I hugged my first mom. I knew her. I recognized her smell. I felt at home in her arms. Those facts would have devastated my adoptive mother--but bottom line, the cold, hard truth is why should I care? Why did I always labor to protect her feelings? It was supposed to be about me, right? The best interest of the child? Remember? Not the best interest of the adopting parents. THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.

It's not, of course. Adoption is not about the children. Which is why I'm against newborn adoption.

That and the fact that it's wrong to sell people. It's WRONG to SELL PEOPLE. It's also WRONG to BUY PEOPLE.

It's pretty simple. I have four objectives:

We need to teach sex education and family planning and make sure contraception is easily accessible.

We need to make it a criminal offense for ANY MONEY AT ALL to change hands when an adoption does occur.

We need to establish a strong system of support, education, and encouragement for moms.

And we need to make separation of mom and baby an undesirable last resort; putting the focus on keeping families together and gearing all solutions toward that goal.

If we do these four things, we can make domestic adoption the rare exception instead of the rule. There'll be fewer unwanted pregnancies, young mothers will learn to believe and trust in themselves, fewer families will be separated, and more children will remain where they belong. For me, it really is about the children.

A later reply:

You know, it's bizarre to me that when talking with adoptive mothers on the subject of corruption in the adoption industry, they ALWAYS seem to feel comfortable dismissing my arguments by saying I'm unhappy, miserable, angry, bitter, etc. I'm none of those things. I have everything a person could want and more: an awesome husband; a smart, funny, talented son; a beloved family; two sweet pups; a beautiful home in freaking paradise--and to add to my good fortune, I was able to retire from a career I loved at only 45, allowing me the bandwidth to work for a cause that means the world to me: Advocating for sweeping changes in the adoption industry. This is not an angry or unhappy life. This is a joyful life--and a fortunate woman.

Personally, I think you have to dismiss my words by claiming I'm unhappy and bitter in order to rationalize the wrong--and the damage--you've done. But you're lying to yourself. And to your children. And someday, your children will come to you with some very hard questions. Almost certainly, a lot of the same ones I've asked. For their sakes, I hope you come up with some better answers between now and then.

The truth is, though, that one doesn't have to be angry or unhappy to recognize the corruption in this system OR to be willing to work to change it.

I know where to place blame. I place blame on the system and those who enable and support it.

And I'm not trying to change your mind, Laura. Nor am I trying to change Holly's or any of the other women in this thread who clearly don't mind buying children.

I realize this is a foreign concept, but IT'S NOT ACTUALLY ABOUT YOU.

I work to reach young women considering relinquishment. If ONE young woman reads this thread and thinks,
"Wow, maybe I should get MY OWN lawyer and ask her about the laws pertaining to open adoption"
or
"It IS actually wrong to buy children--why would I ever give my child to someone who'll do something so wrong just because it gets her what she wants?"
or
"Why are these people who claim to be so 'good' willing to support such a corrupt system?"
or
"Maybe I should ask for the help I'll need to keep my baby instead of allowing these people to help me give it away"
or even
"Why are these women who haven't lost their mother OR their baby so incredibly rude and dismissive to women who have?"
then it's all worth it.

Those young women are reading these words. My words AND the adoptive mothers', and they ironically, both support my argument. Your unwillingness to answer simply questions, your arrogance, your rudeness and dismissiveness, your sanctimony and superiority--those are your true colors. And you're showing them to everyone. Please keep talking.

One last post I would like to share.  In reply to IHTB asking where you stand on adoption:

Where do I stand? The adoption industry should be shut down. It exists because selling babies is extremely lucrative. It serves itself. It doesn't care about the babies or the mothers.

One important thing to consider: There is no such thing as open adoption in this country. It is an inaccurate term that's used to falsely assure women considering relinquishment that they will always have access to their children, but by law, they'll actually have access only as long as the adoptive parents allow it. When the adoptive parents cut the first mother off, she's done. She has no legal rights. Until the first mothers' rights are equal to those of the adoptive mothers, there will be no such thing as open adoption. And that will never happen, because it simply cannot work. This is one of the issues that needs light shined on it.

A big part of adoption is about ego. It just is. I realize people don't like to admit that, and I understand why, but bottom line, it's just a fact. If the motivation truly is to love and cherish a child and give it a good life then why not offer that love and that home to kids already in the system? Why not help kids who are GENUINELY without parents, without love, without security? Those kids unfortunately exist. Why is it so important to get an infant fresh out of the oven? Why is it so important to OWN that child, to change its name and alter its birth certificate? If it's really about GIVING--if it's really selfless, if it's really about the needs of the children overriding the needs (wants) of the adults--adoption is not necessary. There is fostering, managerial conservatorship, guardianship, and other options.

Bottom line, though, all these things aside, buying children is wrong. It's wrong, and it's dirty, and the system that facilitates it is corrupt and evil, and supporting that system because it gets you what you want is despicable. Adopters can pretend they're on the side of the angels all they want, but that's just spin. They're willing to support a corrupt, profit-driven system that remorselessly damages human beings left and right for one reason: It fulfills their selfish desires.

One of the things that bothers me the most about adoption is that no one EVER seems to openly discuss that the circumstances of these young, pregnant moms is TEMPORARY. They aren't always going to be 16, 18, 20 years old. They aren't always going to be scared and overwhelmed. They aren't always going to be alone. With a little support and encouragement, they won't always be uneducated and/or broke! But no one tells them that. Caseworkers coerce them into giving away their children by making them feel as if they're inferior and irresponsible and incapable of stepping up to the job of mom. But most of them aren't. Most of these moms are no different than the moms waiting to adopt--it's just that their immediate situation is less than optimal. But that situation can--and typically does--change SO EASILY. At this point, I know dozens of original moms. With only a couple of exceptions, they all went on to marry, have careers, make money, buy homes, have stable lives. Most of them had more kids--many of them within just a year or two of relinquishing. And yet, they were told they were unfit to raise their first baby. They were not. They were capable. They were young women in a tough but TEMPORARY situation.

They got no support or encouragement, though. No one looked for solutions that would keep the families together. The moms were disparaged and bullied--and pushed to give up and give in. "You're not as mature, you're not as wealthy, you're not as educated, you're not as whatever." As if this were a permanent state--and as if adoptive parents were some magically superior species. Neither of those things were true, but no one ever admitted that. Why? Because they wanted their babies. The babies were worth a lot of money to the adoption industry. No one cared about the babies or the moms. They wanted to make money. And it's exactly the same way today. It was true when I was born, it was true when my son was born, and it's true today--and it will always be true until $$ is taken out of the equation. It really is that simple.

We need to teach sex education and family planning and make sure contraception is easily accessible.

We need to make it a criminal offense for ANY MONEY AT ALL to change hands when an adoption does occur.

We need to establish a strong system of support, education, and encouragement for moms.

And we need to make separation of mom and baby an undesirable last resort; putting the focus on keeping families together and gearing all solutions toward that goal.

If we do these four things, we can make domestic adoption the rare exception instead of the rule. There'll be fewer unwanted pregnancies, young mothers will learn to believe and trust in themselves, fewer families will be separated, and more children will remain where they belong.

What a wonderful world it would be if we could make some major changes in domestic infant adoption in the United States using these four things as a guideline!

Thanks for letting me share your writing here Renee, I consider it an honor.