Did my pregnancy at 15 years old happen for a reason?
Was I meant to give birth to Christopher? Was he a gift from God that I tossed away?
As crappy as my parents were at parenting,
they were/are fabulous as grandparents.
Just short of three years after I had Christopher, I gave birth to our daughter. Though we were engaged, I was still unmarried, still living at home. It could still be pretty ugly at home, although I wasn't there often by then.
My mom and dad loved Trishia with all of their hearts. They watched her while I went to work, they watched her to let me have a night out a few times a month. My dad would sit her on his lap and feed her, he would come home from work in the winter time and put his hat on Trishia's little head and they would both laugh. My mom would sing to her. Everyone in the house doted on her.
Having a baby in the house brought laughter back
to the house and made it a home.
My relationship with my parents changed after I became a mom. You know ~ a real mom ~ a mom raising "kids of my own" as the adoption agency told me I would do after giving my firstborn up for adoption. We got along, we showed love towards each other (even if those words were never spoken). We became a real family.
Was Christopher's birth a gift ~
meant to heal our family instead of tear it further apart?
I had a child 3 years later. We were engaged but not married yet. We didn't have a lot of money and even had to move with family for the majority of his first year of life. The little difference was we were two people with crappy jobs and were almost done with high school.
ReplyDeleteI used to believe that everything happens for a reason. I've spent too much time searching for hidden meaning behind the pain. Things just happen, no hidden secret greater purpose. They just are.
ReplyDelete" Was Christopher's birth a gift ~ meant to heal our family instead of tear it further apart? "
ReplyDeleteIts possible, I am just guessing, that the loss of Christopher actually made your parents more loving grandparents. They may have in their own way realized their own loss and loved Trishia doubly so.
My mother dotes, obsessively, on her 12 kept and parented grandchildren. Her email address is gramofxii. It kills me every tell I get an email from her. She is actually a gram of a bakers dozen..but who is counting...besides me?
I really believe that loss makes us appreciate what comes after even more...wrongly or rightly.
I think you are probably right Suz. I wish that my mom was still alive to talk to her about this. I know that I treasured being a mom much more because I had suffered the loss of my firstborn.
DeleteI hate it when people say that. No, not everything happens for a reason, some things just happen. In fact many things just happen. People don't have bad things happen to them for some divine purpose. Bad things just happen.
ReplyDeleteLike adoption. Adoption is a bad thing that happens to mothers and their children. Its only good for the ones who are getting what they want. But their is no divine reason for our suffering other than we are being exploited for the selfish whims of other human beings who don't care who they hurt. Nope, no reason in that. Just crappy people doing their crappy thing.
My son's ap's said that they believed that "god allowed this conception of this child for us or some other infertile couple". Even writing those words now sicken me. Nothing could be farther from the truth. There is no god whom allows some to gain at the expense and suffering of others. Adoption is a legal, social construct, not some divine intervention to reward some who deem themselves to be more deserving of something that is not theirs...
ReplyDeleteMy "meant to be" train of thought was kind of a play on words. To turn around what many use as a reason for adoption and make it a reason to keep a family together instead.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time I too was a believer in things happening for a reason. No more. I ditto every word of Myst's comment.
ReplyDelete