The "feeling" of that dream is still hanging on...
Where did that water come from? It seems as though I was the only one able to see it, though the room was full of people. Why was I so worried about getting it cleaned up before Christopher's mom saw the mess? Why would she be able to see it if nobody else was able to?
Was it tears as Kelli and others commented?
I do worry about Christopher's mom (as well as he himself) learning about how deeply losing him to adoption has hurt me. Not that I feel that I have to keep that to myself, it's more that I don't want him/them to feel guilt over what adoption has cost me. I especially don't want Christopher to ever take my pain onto himself and feel as though he is the one responsible for what adoption brought to my life. So... it could be tears that the water symbolizes. Although...
In the first few years of having Christopher back in my life, I had a deep fear that I would lose him again. I obsessed over everything I wrote to him, scared to death that I might say something to scare him away forever. However, 4+ years into this, I no longer worry about that. If I haven't scared him away yet with some of the things I have said and done, I don't think it's possible!
Or was Rebecca onto something with it being water from child birth?
The feeling this dream has left me with is almost... primal? That's the only word that comes to mind when trying to put a name to it.
I do think that it's my motherhood that is symbolized in the dream ~ the very fact that I gave birth to Christopher. It's ok that I'm around, but not ok to have my full role (as a mother to Christopher) recognized or acknowledged. In the dream I am being treated more as a "novelty" of sorts by the adults who do come over to visit with me. Yes, a novelty... You know, that legendary birthmother who did such a selfless, wonderful thing by letting my son be raised by another family. On the other hand, the children all fully welcomed me, as children do in their innocence. They didn't see my "title", they saw me the person, someone who adored children and enjoyed talking and laughing with them. So maybe the water does represent amniotic fluid?
It breaks my heart that Christopher is in the dream by himself, not enjoying the family and friends in the room. The "feeling" I have about this in the dream is that he feels stuck in the middle of two moms/two families. It's as though he knows he's going to hurt one of us by showing love and/or affection towards the other. I hate that. How awful does that have to be for those who are adopted and feel that way?
Ughhhh.... I wish I could get rid of this dream. While it was just a pretty nice dream, a chance to "be" in the same room as the son I miss so horribly, it has become somewhat of a nightmare in my waking hours. I have been in such a good place adoption-wise for a while now, this dream is really throwing me off.
Today especially. As I was wondering why, I realize that it's almost exactly a month away from Christopher's birthday...
It's also been a year since I saw him last.
And I miss him...
Terribly...
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