18 Years

Another post that I want to share here...  (Carlynne's work is beautiful.  If you don't know her blog, go read.  I was just lost in reading some of her oldest posts again...)

18 Years

Is it meant to be.....
   that a baby cries for the only voice she knows?
   that a mother grieves for a lifetime?
   that sisters can't share secrets?
   that brothers can't protect?
   that a child loses trust?
   that what's primal doesn't matter?
   that the wound is ignored?
   that birthdays become burdens?
   that her childhood is stolen from her mother?
   that the state says no to who she is?
   that lies become ordinary?
   that a baby can't have the milk made for her?
   that the mother is stolen from the child?
   that a child lives life wondering?
   that a mother lives life searching?
   that strangers hold while family sits empty?
   that children become chattel?
   that money matters more?

  Art and poem by Carlynne Hershberger, CPSA 


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How To Live Through The Discovery That Your Teenager Is Pregnant

Since I continue to get hits from searches for what to do if your unmarried/teen daughter is pregnant, I want to share an article I read today.   Believe it or not ~ adoption isn't mentioned once in this post!

I Lived Through My Daughter's Teen Pregnancy and You Can, Too

It was just a little over a year ago when I found out that my teenager daughter was pregnant.  It was just before her 16th birthday and she told me she needed to go to the doctor.  I immediately knew that this wasn't a casual visit and when she confirmed that her period was 10 days late it took everything within me not to completely freak out.
Today she thinks that I am just very calm.  What she doesn't realize is that my silence was an indication of just how mad I was.  And if you find out that your teen daughter is pregnant you will know exactly what I am talking about.  It's beyond wanting to yell and scream. It is beyond wanting to lock her in her room for the rest of her life or send her away to boarding school.  It is beyond anything you can imagine.
And that makes sense because she's about to go through something that is unlike anything that she could possibly ever imagine!

This is only the beginning, please go read the original article and comments here:

 How To Live Through The Discovery That Your Teenager Is Pregnant

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Adoptive Parents Are Also Victims of the Adoption Industry

After reading Barbara's comment on my last post I had to go back and re-read it.  The last paragraph in the post from Adoption Lies was pretty harsh on adoptive parents. I guess I was just so moved by the main point of the post (using love against us) that I didn't really pay attention to the end. 

In my opinion, prospective adoptive parents are also victims of the adoption industry.  I think that most people who consider adopting are loving, caring people.  I think that if they knew just how deeply being relinquished effects someone for their entire life, they wouldn't want to see that happen unless absolutely necessary.  I think that if it was known how adoption loss truly effects the mother (as well as the rest of the natural family), they would look at adoption as less than the "loving option" it's sold to be.

I don't know.  Maybe that's just a Pollyanna way of thinking?

I do know that Christopher's mom was not one of those who felt she deserved another mother's child simply because she was unable to have one.  When we met last May, we talked for four hours.  She was very open with her feelings, she shared many of her experiences as an adoptive mom.  I think she was and is truly grateful every day of her life for the chance to be a mother ~ I don't think she looked at it as her right, she looked at her motherhood as a privilege.  I would like to think that there are more adoptive moms like her than the ones who will stop at nothing to obtain an infant from a vulnerable mother facing an unexpected pregnancy.

I have great compassion for women who cannot conceive or carry a pregnancy to full term.  I cannot begin to imagine the deep, crushing disappointment and sadness that must bring.  I have a friend and a cousin who would be fabulous mothers but have not had that joy in their lives.  I wish that nobody had to suffer from infertility, for any reason.  I wish that there was a cure for all infertility.

This is where I think the adoption industry comes into play with prospective adoptive parents.  They have to "sell" adoption to society as a whole, targeting even children so that when they grow up they view adoption as a parenting option.  There are hundreds of adoption agency websites whose main purpose is to lure in those suffering from infertility problems.  Google infertility and adoption ~ I just got 6,580,000 results!

The adoption industry sells adoption to women suffering with the heartbreak of infertility in their life.  Just as they have spent millions learning how to convince a mother facing an unexpected pregnancy to give her child up for adoption, I'm sure they also invest in finding ways to "sell" adoption to those who are unable to give birth themselves. 

I know of at least one prospective adoptive mom who was torn between what she wanted to do to help a mother in crisis and what the adoption counselor was telling her to do/say.  I'm sure there are many more who are manipulated by adoption workers/counselors to go against their instincts.  This mom is blogging about her experience, I hope that other prospective adoptive parents read her words and begin to realize the manipulation also. 

The adoption industry is just that though.  An industry.  Looking to make a buck (or a billion...).  And the only way adoption agencies make money is by finding people who want to adopt (demand) and are willing/able to pay a "fee" for the infants of mothers facing an unexpected pregnancy (supply). 

I completely agree with what Adoptionvictims said here, except I would add "the prospective/adoptive parents" to "birthmothers" and "adoptees":

 And they count on us the "birthmothers" and "adoptees" to forever be divided. They count on us to have so much pain and anger that we will never come together in numbers and end what adoption is in the US. They have created the perfect money making, amoral institution and they call it "adoption".

Using Love Against Us

I read a fabulous blog post today and wanted to leave a comment, but they are disabled.  I decided that I would post it here, in honor of Adoptee Rights.  Just as well turn the entire week into a demonstration!

Although this is written by a natural mother, she makes many great points about the way "love" is used to alter an adoptee's life.  From being "given up because your mother loved you so much" to "If you loved me you wouldn't need to search" and more.

Enjoy this post from "Adoption Lies, Adoption Victims"

 They Use Our Love For Each Other Against Us

I think the true face of evil is to use someone's love for another against them. And it is rampant in adoption.

First they use it on the birthmother. "If you really loved your son/daughter you would do what is best and give them to us".

In open adoption they say "You need to be absent and go away so that we can bond with the baby."

Then in reunion they say "If you loved me you wouldn't search, or love your natural parents." Or "if you loved your son/daughter you wouldn't interfere in their life because they are not ready or they have no need for you."

As time goes by I realize what evil truly is. It is not getting pregnant and raising your child without a father or support. It is not being sick with post partum depression. It is coveting something that does not belong to you. It is dividing and tearing families apart to create new ones for the privilaged. And to do this in the name of God is the most depraved of acts.

This Friday I will be honored for my good deeds that I have done for others. And it really got me thinking. I know what good is and what evil is. And I will not longer use "positive adoption language" to protect the evil and confuse the vulnerable.

There are certain instances when adoption is good but I think it is a rare situation. I think that for the most part infant adoption is done to traffic babies to those who can pay the fee while using a vulnerable mother's love for her child against her. And years later using the adopted person's love and loyalty against them if they try to belong to the family they were born to live in.

And the only people who profit from this are those who claim our children, make money off them and exploit the birthparents and adopted people. Have you ever noticed that most popular adoption forums are ripe with advertisements to buy a baby or to get "help" if you are pregnant? Have you noticed the same forums advertise to find your birth relatives for a fee? They are making money off of us coming and going.

And they count on us the "birthmothers" and "adoptees" to forever be divided. They count on us to have so much pain and anger that we will never come together in numbers and end what adoption is in the US. They have created the perfect money making, amoral institution and they call it "adoption".

Pitting birth mother against adopted person. The ones who are abandoned and the ones who abandoned. Counting on the loyalties of adopted people to their adopted parents to show that since they love their adopted parents they love adoption. Counting on the shame of those who "gave your own child away" to keep us silent. Crucifying those "angry adoptees" and "bitter birthmothers" who dare speak about the evil that is adoption.

And I want to say something that is rarely or is ever said to prospective adoptive parents. God did not intend for another woman to give her child to you so that you could have a family. Perhaps God intended you to be infertile so that you would not have a child. Or that your previous abortion or pelvic inflammatory disease left you infertile and you lost your chance to be a mother. No one ever tells you that because they want your money. They want you to buy a baby and put money in their pocket. But unless you know without a doubt that the child you are adopting truly needs you and you are the last resort then you are not in any way doing "God's work". It might be hard to hear but you need to hear it because in the end you will have to answer to him. And the praise you get in this life, the savior complex you enjoy now might not be there for you when you reach those pearly gates.

Adoptee Rights Demonstration

The Adoptee Rights Demonstration was in Chicago today. I wish I could have been there in person to protest, but writing here on my blog today is going to have to do.

So what is the big deal?  Why are people fighting for adoptee rights?  What rights don't adoptees have in the first place?

Original Birth Certificates
When a baby is born, a birth certificate is issued to legally record the birth details.  The mother and father, time and place of birth, weight, height, name, etc.

Amended Birth Certificates
When an infant (or older child) is adopted, a new birth certificate is issued which replaces the mother and father's names and information with the adoptive parents names and information.  Sometimes other information is changed or deleted altogether.

So Adoptees Have Two Birth Certificates?  What's the big deal about that?
When the amended birth certificate is filed, the original is sealed, usually never to be seen again. Only in Alaska and Kansas have the OBCs never been sealed. Maine, New Hampshire, Oregon, and Alabama have restored equal OBC access to adult adoptees. Other States, such as Rhode Island, Tennessee, and Illinois, allow access with some restrictions. In all other states, the OBC is sealed forever from the public, including both the adoptee and the natural parents. 

 

Why is the OBC sealed?

Follow the links at the bottom to Amanda's Adoptee Rights Guide or to the list of other bloggers who have written on the subject to get more info.  I will give you one reason that is often touted, but is false.  It is often said that it is because the mothers were promised confidentiality.  The ones fighting against equal rights argue that there are natural mothers out there cowering in corners who don't want to be found by their children given up for adoption.  All of this couldn't be further from the truth in my opinion.  For one, I was never promised anonymity, nor did I ever want it.  I have gotten to know many, many moms over the last three years who also were never promised nor wanted it.  As a matter of fact, the majority of natural moms would love to know their children, would welcome any contact from them.   

 

Even if that weren't the case, why would the rights of the mother be given more importance than the rights of the adult who was given up for adoption by no choice of their own? 

Why do adoptees need/want to have access to their original birth certificates? 
Since I can't speak for an adoptee, here is an answer to that from an adoptee herself, Karen Pickell.  The rest of this post is from her blog "Between".

Why are original birth certificates so important to adoptees?
This issue is important to me because knowing my true family identity is important to me. As a child, I was acutely aware of the differences between me and my adoptive parents. We looked different. We were interested in different activities. We reacted differently to situations. We processed information differently.

In doctor’s offices, I had to write “N/A” on the lines for family medical history, then explain that I was adopted. The first picture of me is as a three-month-old; what happened in my life before that time is a black hole. I felt no connection to my adoptive parents’ family trees; I could not join the conversation of who looked like which cousin or who acted like grandma.

I saw the first person who looked like me when I had my first child at the age of thirty-three. And I realized that he would have the same black hole of missing information about his ancestry and family medical history that I had.

I was lucky to be able to locate my birth mother without having my original birth certificate, because I had some pretty detailed non-identifying information from the agency that handled my adoption (every adoptee is legally entitled to this) and a key piece of identifying information my adoptive parents were accidentally given when they adopted me. Many adoptees are not as lucky as I was and are not able to figure out who their biological families are without their original birth certificates.

Even after I reunited with my birth mother, I still wanted a copy of my original birth certificate. I wanted that written proof. I wanted to feel like a whole person, like I was really born from another human being just like everyone else rather than picked from a lineup of cribs, which is how I had always pictured my adoption. And my birth mother wanted it too, to prove she wasn’t crazy, that she really did have a baby, that it all wasn’t just some nightmare she had imagined. Together we petitioned the Ohio probate court, and I now have my original birth certificate. But I couldn’t have gotten it without her consent. And she hadn’t even known she could file her consent until I made her aware of that fact.

So, if you have yours, what’s the big deal now?Before I went through my own birth family reunion, I didn’t understand how big this issue was. I had no idea how many other people like me are out there struggling to come to terms with their own identities, held back by these antiquated laws that serve no one’s best interest. I didn’t know that even though we hear the term “open adoption” a lot today, altered birth certificates are still being issued, and open adoptions often don’t remain open very long after the adoption transaction is finalized. I stand behind the effort to unseal all adoptee original birth certificates because every person deserves to know where they come from. It is not the business of any state to keep family members from knowing each other or to protect those who never asked to be protected.

Most of all, I support the Adoptee Rights Coalition because adoption should be, first and foremost, about the children being adopted and what is in their best interest. It is not acceptable to violate the rights of adopted people in order to protect the rights of either birth or adoptive parents. We adoptees have the right to know where we come from and to deal with our own family business.

If you would like to read another adult adoptee viewpoint on Adoptee Rights, Amanda has a great guide.  This guide answers many questions:  who opposes equal rights and why?  who supports it and why?  Amanda also answers the three main myths about adoptee access to their OBC in this guide. 

Several other bloggers have written about the Adoptee Rights Demonstration and Adoptee Rights.  If you’d like to read some other adoptee and natural mom views on adoptee rights, they are all linked on this list of blog posts.

If you would like to learn more, here is a link to a summary of the laws in each state.

One last note ~ I can walk into the courthouse and get a copy of all three of my raised children's birth certificates, even though they are now adults.  I cannot get a copy of Christopher's ~ since it is sealed.  What could I possibly do with that obc?  All it has on it is my own information, which I obviously already know.  It would have Christopher's birth information, which I also know.  So WHY can I not get a copy?  It simply makes no sense.  Why would I want to have a copy of it?  I want to see if my suspicions are correct.  I only remember a few things from my days at the hospital.  One of the clearest memories I have is filling out the form for his birth certificate.  I had spent a couple of days thinking about the perfect name to give him, as I thought that it was the only thing I was EVER going to be able to give him.  I remember filling out the required information on the father.  However...  all the paper work I received regarding his adoption came with his name being Baby Boy.  I want so badly to know if they took his name away from him.  I would bet that they left the information on his father off the obc also.  In effect his obc could be full of lies...  I'm so thankful that our search angel brought us together.  If Christopher had somehow gotten a copy of his obc first, he could very well be thinking that I didn't give him a name and that I didn't know who fathered him.  Neither of which are true.

He Calls Her Mom

Amanda has a post today titled "Does It Hurt You When I Call Her "Mom?"".

To be completely honest, yes.

It even hurt just to read the title of her post.

It's nothing against Christopher's mom.  At all.

It's just that it hurts so much to have a son out there, but you are not the mom...


Even though your heart, soul, and every cell in your body  knows that you are.


You aren't his mom...

Your son cried mommy in the night.
Someone else comforted him.

You son yelled out "what's for dinner mom?".
Someone else answered.

Another mom was there for all of it.

All of the big things and little.

All of the wonderfully fabulous things and the gross messy things.

Even though all I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a mom.

I wasn't my first born son's mom.

That hurts.

More than you will ever know.  (Unless you are also living this life...)

It hurts.

Even 33 years later.

Every day.

Always.

I wish that I could live one day without the pain of the loss of my motherhood.

Just one day.

Just one.

Just...

*sigh*

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It's Not Anti-Adoption, It's About The Institution of Adoption

As usual, Amanda's latest post is a great one.  She writes about adoption reform being about the Institution of adoption, not the people of adoption. 

I sometimes worry that people reading my blog will think that I write about adoption only out of regret or anger.  When I write about the problems in adoption I am not necessarily speaking about my actual adoption experience, I am speaking of the institution of adoption.  I am not speaking against Christopher, nor his parents, nor am I wishing to deny him any part of the life he lives.  I am speaking out against the institution of adoption. 

Here is what I am trying to say, but Amanda says it so much better!

Adoption is an institution, not a person. As an institution, it impacts just about every vulnerable population in this world that one could imagine. Because of this, we need to be critical of it. We need to expose its flaws, discuss its triumphs, and be realistic about its global impact. We cannot mistake these things for being egregious assaults against parents who have adopted, surrendering parents, or other adoptees themselves.  In truth, there is nothing "anti-adoption" or "anti-adoptive parent" about wanting an adoption that works well, works better, and works more effectively to serve those who are connected to it.

Thanks for putting words to my thoughts again Amanda! 

P.S.  If you don't already read Amanda's blog, you should!


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