Some Big Moments Have Happened

I have tried a few times to write here these last several months, but so much of what I wanted to write about seemed too personal.  There was too much of Christopher in the telling of what I wanted to write...

Or I was too mad and the post became a huge rant as we all got proof that adoption is no longer about what is best for the child ~ it's all about the money paid and received...


Some big moments have happened in this adoption reunion journey of ours.

In July  ~

 I met Christopher's wife & children! 

 There are no words 

~ the joy in finally looking into the eyes of my grandson & granddaughter

~to at last meet his beautiful wife 

(who was/is an instrumental part of Christopher 

continuing to move forward in this relationship)

The night was magic ~

I was thoroughly entertained by a very
beyond-his-years 6 year old with no front teeth.  

An adorable little 3 year old who didn't say two words at the restaurant
who opened up completely at home where I heard the sweetest words

"Grandma, will you please read me my favorite book?".  

In August ~

An art gallery was showing Christopher's work
and I wasn't going to miss opening night!

Driving to the gallery that night,
I was excited to see Christopher, 

his lovely wife and kids

as well as his mom again

to finally meet his dad in person.  

to introduce my life-long friends who came along.

However...

The in-laws, cousins, sister & husband, 

friends who were going to be there 

had me getting lost in fear.  

of judgement

in the insecurity of my place in his life... 

While completely enjoying the time at the gallery ~

feeling so proud of Christopher, 

seeing his beautiful artwork in a gallery.

Feeling so full of happiness watching him talk with my friends

Meeting his dad, sister and brother-in-law.  

Deep inside however ~

I was lost in the worrying
what did his extended family think of me being there?

Did they look at me as the intruder who didn't belong?  

As the whore who became pregnant so young?  

As the horrible mother who gave her child away?  

*sigh*

Feeling "not good enough"
Again...

Then in the days afterward ~

anger at myself for going to that place of deep insecurity

confused as to why I let that happen... 

In the weeks since then I have been reading some of my old blog posts,
some of my favorite blog posts by others.
I wish I had read them before the gallery opening... 

Especially these words from a post I wrote three years ago~

I realized that I was choosing to let other people's attitudes take away from my authenticity.

Nobody can take away my motherhood. I cannot un-birth any of my children, even the son I did not raise.

I don't want to live in the damn closet anymore, nobody can force me back in there.

Nobody can tell me that Christopher is any less my child than the children I raised. The love I feel for him is no less than the love I have for all my children.
 

When we were together on Saturday, it was as mother and son, not strangers.

If that makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't care. It is the truth!

In another old favorite post from Tiny Budda I learned that
Sometimes We Need To Go Backward...

“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”

And so ~
I have been shot forward.
I'm feeling strong in living my truth again.
Even stronger than before.


Just in time for November...

What Can A Tiny Baby Know?

A great article from Adoptee Voices Magazine by Karl Stenske:

"Adoptee View, What Can A Tiny Baby Know?" 

I have added this post on my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Any expectant mother considering adoption must learn of the possible effects relinquishment could have on their child.

While this article is a great one, there is much more to be learned from all of the comments on it.  Great discussion, many adult adoptees speaking out of their experience of being adopted.

Great Links: "Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

"Birth" Mothers and Adoptees Views on Adoption

 Found the above article today with MANY great links to read the view point of those living with adoption loss in their lives.  Those adopted as well as the mothers ~ aka birthmother, birth mother.  As much as I dislike that term, it has to be used for search engines to possibly find this...

I added this page to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  Even though I'm not actively blogging anymore, that page continues to regularly get hits.  I hope and pray that it's helping moms make educated choices for or against adoption...  Sadly, the search terms that usually hit that page are from moms with pregnant teens or moms with unmarried pregnant daughters.  Moms ~ HELP your daughter become the best mom she can be! Love her through this unexpected life change ~ don't condemn her to a life without her child unless necessary due to abuse of any kind.

Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy?

I added a couple of new links to my  "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page.  (The page tabs are right there, above the title of this post.)  I thought I would make a post with these resources, they seem like great ones for young moms, for moms facing an unexpected pregnancy.  These links have nothing to do with adoption, they are written by young moms who themselves had unexpected pregnancies. 

Many of the hits on my blog are from searches regarding unexpected pregnancy, so if you are one of those searchers, I hope you go check out some of the reading material I have there for you!  

Here are the links I added today:

 Unplanned Pregnancy by Tiny Blue Lines

Knocked Up by Early Mama: Redefining the Young Mom.  A great blog, more than just this post!

Finding My Voice ~ Taking Back My Power

For so long I kept silent.

 

As I thought I was expected to do in those days.

 

My motherhood, my first born son, was only spoken of a handful of times in the almost 30 years between  the time he was born till the day I read those first emails four years ago.  

 

I kept silent.

 

Out of doing what I thought was the right thing.  Out of fear.  Out of shame ~ shame of first becoming pregnant, then shame of giving my own child away. 

 

Not that I knew how to put into words what I had gone through anyways.  Nor did I have anyone care enough to ask me about it ~ while going through it all nor afterwards ~ so I had no reason to speak of any of it.  Oh, maybe they cared, but didn't know how or whether to bring it up.    

As is usually the case ~ when you close off one thing, you are actually closing off much more.  

Through fear of speaking about my motherhood or my child, I soon became afraid to speak my own opinions and thoughts on most things. 

I said what others wanted to hear.  What I thought I needed to say (and do) to prove that I really was a "good girl" despite the fact that I had gotten pregnant and given my child up.  I also lost my voice from fear of saying something "stupid" or wrong.  I can't blame that one on adoption though...

 

I hadn't even realized that I lost my voice until after reunion with Christopher.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  

All of the above has been sitting as a draft for quite a while...  Two things have happened in the last couple of days to bring me back to it.  

First ~ a couple of days ago in a private fb message the subject of what to call ones biological parents came up.  In my reply to that question, I wrote of why I don't want the title "birthmother" to be used for myself.  After I sent the reply, I felt bad that I had gone off on a rant to this person.  I apologized for it the next day, was told that it was ok & not a big deal but I still felt bad about it. 

 

Then today I read a blog post "on the power of our voices" by the wonderful artist kelly rae.

 

Reading her post brought me a few "a ha" moments.

 

* I wasn't ranting in that fb message.  I was simply speaking my opinion. 

 

* I didn't just lose my voice.  I gave it away.

 

* I didn't just give away my voice, I gave away my power.

I had spent so many years, decades, hiding my voice that what I felt was ranting was simply stating my stance on an issue.  And that's a good thing!

 

It was simply taking power over a piece of my life as a mother without her child.  

Speaking out in that message was nothing to be ashamed of, rather it was something that has been a long time coming.  Me taking back my voice.  Taking back power over my own life, my own story.  

In her post today, Kelly writes: 

Our voices are precious. Beautiful. Important. And they change the world.
May you be careful with yours. Be fierce around protecting it, nurturing it, and celebrating it, always.

 

 I will.  I will now stand stronger in my story, in my life, in the power of my voice.

 

 

 

 

 

If you haven't read Kelly's post yet, please take time to do that.  There was so much that I wanted to share here, so much that could have been written by/for me, it was almost her entire post!  So much of what she writes in this post is important for all of us who live with adoption loss.  We need each others voices, adoption reform needs our voices!!

  

Educate Yourself!

The Meaning of a Dream...

The "feeling" of that dream is still hanging on...

Where did that water come from?  It seems as though I was the only one able to see it, though the room was full of people.  Why was I so worried about getting it cleaned up before Christopher's mom saw the mess?  Why would she be able to see it if nobody else was able to?

Was it tears as Kelli and others commented? 

I do worry about Christopher's mom (as well as he himself) learning about how deeply losing him to adoption has hurt me.  Not that I feel that I have to keep that to myself, it's more that I don't want him/them to feel guilt over what adoption has cost me.  I especially don't want Christopher to ever take my pain onto himself and feel as though he is the one responsible for what adoption brought to my life.  So... it could be tears that the water symbolizes.  Although...

In the first few years of having Christopher back in my life, I had a deep fear that I would lose him again.  I obsessed over everything I wrote to him, scared to death that I might say something to scare him away forever.  However, 4+ years into this, I no longer worry about that.  If I haven't scared him away yet with some of the things I have said and done, I don't think it's possible!

Or was Rebecca onto something with it being water from child birth?

The feeling this dream has left me with is almost... primal?  That's the only word that comes to mind when trying to put a name to it.

I do think that it's my motherhood that is symbolized in the dream ~ the very fact that I gave birth to Christopher.  It's ok that I'm around, but not ok to have my full role (as a mother to Christopher) recognized or acknowledged.  In the dream I am being treated more as a "novelty" of sorts by the adults who do come over to visit with me.  Yes, a novelty...  You know, that legendary birthmother who did such a selfless, wonderful thing by letting my son be raised by another family.  On the other hand, the children all fully welcomed me, as children do in their innocence.  They didn't see my "title", they saw me the person, someone who adored children and enjoyed talking and laughing with them.  So maybe the water does represent amniotic fluid?

It breaks my heart that Christopher is in the dream by himself, not enjoying the family and friends in the room.  The "feeling" I have about this in the dream is that he feels stuck in the middle of two moms/two families.  It's as though he knows he's going to hurt one of us by showing love and/or affection towards the other.  I hate that.  How awful does that have to be for those who are adopted and feel that way? 

Ughhhh....  I wish I could get rid of this dream.  While it was just a pretty nice dream, a chance to "be" in the same room as the son I miss so horribly, it has become somewhat of a nightmare in my waking hours.  I have been in such a good place adoption-wise for a while now, this dream is really throwing me off.

Today especially.  As I was wondering why, I realize that it's almost exactly a month away from Christopher's birthday...

It's also been a year since I saw him last.

And I miss him...

Terribly...