Sunday, January 22, 2012

For Those Separated By Adoption

For all of you mothers and fathers of adoption loss who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For all of you adult adoptees who have unanswered questions.  Find your answers!

For 29 years I believed that it wasn't my right to search for my son lost to adoption.  After all, I was the one who gave him away!  Who was I to butt into his life?  If all my prayers for him had been answered, he was happy and completely loved by the family who adopted him.  Why would I interrupt his happiness by barging into his life unexpectedly, probably unwanted by him? 

Not only did I feel that it wasn't my right, and even though I knew that it couldn't be true ~ I had been told that it would be against the law to EVER seek out my son.  My brain told me that a law such as that could not truly exist, however the "good girl" in me couldn't go against what I had been told. 

In 2008 I had begun to realize that many of the problems in my life were due to the denial I lived in.  Denial of the depth of the effects of the loss of my son to adoption.  Denial of the depth of the feelings that I had for my son.  Denial of the basic fact that I was even a "mother" to Christopher.  The River of Denial ran swift and deep through every aspect of my life. The constant worrying and the symphony of questions about Christopher were eating away at me, compounding the damage done by denial.

I had decided that the adoption loss had to be dealt with in order for me to begin to fully live my life.  2009 was going to start with me finding a counselor to get my shit together and then I was going to actively search for Christopher to finally have my questions answered. 

As luck would have it, that wonderful search angel Kim matched my profile with Christopher's just three days before I was going to begin my journey of healing.  Adoption reunion was happening before I could deal with the reality of what adoption loss had done to my life. 

Looking back, I believe that the timing of that happened for a reason.  The chances of my finding a therapist who wasn't drowning in the sunshine and rainbows of adoption were (are) slim and none.  I could very well have been talked out of ever searching for Christopher.  I could have been drowned again in that sunshine and rainbows myself.

Reunion forced me out of denial, forced me out of the adoption closet. 

Reunion was the second hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my entire life.  {The hardest thing was the loss of Christopher to adoption in the first place.)  Reunion didn't even match the emotions, terror, or grief of watching my mom suffer for 10 years and then die from Lupus. 

Reunion is also the best thing that has happened in my life.  It took almost three years for my world to stop spinning.  But it was SO worth it.  The saying is true ~ The truth shall set you free. 

Yes, there were many times in the last three years that I thought I had made a mistake. Times I wondered if it hadn't been easier living in denial.  There were times that I felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest, leaving me dead on the floor.  There were times that I was terrified that I was going to be lost in the depths of that hole in my heart ~ the hole left by the loss of my son. 

If you have a loved one lost to adoption, but are scared of searching ~ Do it anyways.
If you want to search for your loved one, but worry that you will be intruding into their life ~ Do it anyways.
If you are afraid of being "found" by someone lost to you through adoption ~ Do it anyways.

The hardest things you may ever face could very well be the most wondrous thing you could ever do for yourself!

Is it easy?  Absolutely not.

Is it worth it?  Absolutely!!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Three Years Ago ~ A Search Angel Changed My Life

Three years ago today I found the first emails from a Search Angel and from Christopher.  Three years ago my life changed.  Completely.  I had no idea of the roller-coaster ride I had just gotten on, all I knew that day was extreme happiness and relief.  There aren't even words for what that I felt in that moment ~ I imagine that only those who have also been in that moment can really know.

I will never forget speaking with that wonderful Search Angel Kim.  I have to laugh again remembering the confusion when I first heard her lovely southern accent.  I thought I was speaking with Christopher's mom, so when I heard the accent I wondered why in the world they sent my son so far south!  After telling me that she wasn't his mom, she was a search angel, Kim told me that Christopher was healthy and happy.  I asked if he got good parents and she told me that he had wonderful parents.  That news brought on the happiest tears I have ever cried!  I asked her how she knew the two questions I most needed answers to and she told me she was a search angel who had been reunited with her own daughter lost to adoption so she knew all too well what my long awaited questions were. 

At that time, I had no idea what a search angel was. 

In that moment I knew that angels truly do walk amongst us! 

If you are searching for a loved one lost to adoption, don't pay for someone (especially the adoption agency) to search for you.  There are many, many search angels out there helping us. 

If you are searching, the first thing you need to do is sign up on some on-line registries.  There are many free ones, start with them. 

The first one you should sign up with is ISSR, a mutual consent reunion registry.  

The registry at is the one I had signed up on, that Kim found when looking for me.  You can search through the registries there as well as sign up in case someone is looking for you. 

Claud has a wonderful page with a lot of info about search and reunion. 

If you have any questions, leave them in the comments or send me an email at findingchristopher at gmail dot com.  I'm no search angel, but I would be more than happy to help you find your loved ones lost to adoption! 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Roar - Are You Listening??

Is the world beginning to listen yet?

Do you know of the brokenness known as adoption?

Many of us are speaking, but is anyone listening... Really Listening?

Listening to

The ones most effected by relinquishment ~ the ones relinquished?
Or to

The ones who believed that life would go on as before?

I feel as though the ones who don't want to hear have us outnumbered.

By far.

There are days I feel defeated by those who want to keep us silenced.

Like today.

Until I read this poem.

And then I was reminded.
I am not in this alone.

I will continue to speak out and bare my scars.

I will grow stronger.
With the others in their brokenness, we will all grow stronger.

And the world will listen... one day...

Thank you to all of you out there in adopto-land who help me through this life of adoption loss.  Just by being "out there", speaking out your truths, you make me stronger by reminding me that I'm not all alone in this.  You bring a bit of sanity to my life when nothing about this adoption loss is sane...  Susie

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

2012 ~ Bring It On!!

Last year I wrote about the life-changing events that happened for me in 2009 and 2010, while wondering what 2011 had in store for me. 

I would NEVER have dreamed that less than three months after writing that post I would have the tremendous blessing of seeing all my children together!  Not only was I surprised with Christopher's first visit where he was able to meet all of his siblings, his nieces and nephews ~ he came for another visit just a month later.  The photos from that first visit are my most precious treasures.  As are the memory of looking at him sitting at the table in the exact same position as one of my raised sons, the memory of seeing him laughing with and interacting with his sister and brothers ~ all so similar, all so comfortable together.  March 24th, 2011 will forever be etched in my heart and soul!

March ended with a gift from my daughter.  A letter written to initially thank the search angel who brought Christopher back into our family, which turned into a sibling reunion story, then sent as a letter to both Christopher and I.  I am so very blessed to have such loving children!

2011 became a pretty quiet year as far as communication with Christopher goes, but it did continue thankfully.  His silence may have been a good thing for me though?  It forced me to look inward to find acceptance in adoptions role in my life.  November really was tough ~ the deep fear of Christopher's upcoming heart surgery was overwhelming for me.  Just as his silence had a silver lining, so did that fear.  After Christopher's successful surgery, when the fear of losing him subsided, it was as though a veil of peace and acceptance was draped over me.  For the first time since finding the emails from a search angel and Christopher, on that cold January evening in 2009, my mind was not filled with adoption loss and grief every moment of every day. 

2011 ended with two more wonderful gifts.  The gift of being "Grandma Susie" to his children ~ making this grandma's heart overflow and the gift of Christopher's mom reaching out to me for the first time.  

Here's to 2012!  
Will this year continue to bring me blessings I only dream of? 
Will I get to know his mom?  
Will I have the blessing of meeting Christopher's children?  
His beautiful wife who has played a big part in our reunion?  
Will I have yet another chance to see all of my kids, 
maybe even grandkids together?? 
I can only hope...