But my other question is: How can a mother love her children all the same when one child has been kept and the other was given up? She doesn't know the relinquished child in the same way. :\
I needed a topic for today's post, so I will reply to that comment here.
I cannot explain the love I feel for ALL of my children. I think it would be impossible to do so. Every mother I know has loved their children from the moment they were born (and before). A mother does not need to "know" their child as a person before they grow to love them. A mother's love is immediate, is unconditional, is forever.
If a mother's child would die at birth, does the mother feel less love for that child than any others she has had/will have in the future?
I may not have raised Christopher, nor been able to show my love to him as a parent every day, but I felt love for him always. With all of my heart. And I will love him forever. No matter what.
A Mother's Love
A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .
A many splendoured miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.
Helen Steiner Rice
Great post. If you don't mind I might tackle that one too.
ReplyDelete"She doesn't know the relinquished child in the same way."
ReplyDeleteAaaahhhh, but she does. This is something that many adoptive parents (and a few foggy adoptees) do not understand. While a mother may not know the superficial things about their relinquished child, there are some things that adoption does NOT change. Love. (and DNA, lol)
Um a mother KNOWS her child unlike anyone else. We grew them inside us, fed them from our bloodflow, we know our children more than even scientists know.
ReplyDeleteI know ALL my children well and despite not raising my eldeset, when we meet up, we know each other in a very weird, unexplainable way. Regardless of what anyone says, science cannot explain the mother and child bond. It is something that is phenomenal and no one can ever tell me that just because I don't know my child in the every day sense but I know her on a deeper level; a level her adopters could only guess at.
A mother is a mother regardless what you do to her or the piece of paper recognising or unrecognising her as such.
I guess I'm a foggy adoptee.
ReplyDeleteI have been told many times by my birthparents (particularly birthfather) how he loves me just as much as the daughter he raised. I believe that in an abstract way. It sounds absurd and incredible...but after knowing him for all these years, I think it's probably true. Something I probably won't understand until I have my own children. But I also think it's really sad. I guess I wasn't as expendable as he thought I would be.
Amanda: What do you mean, "I guess I'm a foggy adoptee"?
ReplyDeleteThat your own experience shows as some sort of testimonial statement that a mother cannot love all her children in the same way? I'm confused.
How can a mother love her children all the same when one child has been kept and the other was given up? She doesn't know the relinquished child in the same way.
ReplyDeleteOne could flip this around - how can adoptive parent loved a child they did not give birth to? How can an adoptive parent love an adopted child the same way they do one they gave birth to?
Slippery slopes these questions.
I also believe many adoptees need to believe their natural families did not love them for it is that belief that holds up their reunion status and their own state of mind. As long as one can blame another they never have to look into their own heart and take responsibility for their own actions and how they contribute to the current state. Sure, adoptees had now choice THEN but they have one NOW. They choose to stay stuck in the belief their first parents are awful hateful beings that willingly gave away their child. This view helps them to avoid their very real possibility that their parents loved them and wanted them all along and that their parents were taken advantage of by a industry that prefers to buy and sell children than help mothers in need. They do not need to look at the entire ugly picture of the world they live in. They only need to believe in one evil - the first parents.
My daughter is NO different to me than my sons. I have her in my will, I think of her daily, I would do anything for her. The current situatino is her doing - not mine - because she needs it this way.
"This view helps them to avoid their very real possibility that their parents loved them and wanted them all along"
ReplyDeleteIMO, I think it is better to believe you were abandoned (because you can use the "chosen" rhetoric to soothe yourself) rather than learn you were in fact wanted but no one desired to allow your parents to keep you.
Mei ling - I think we are saying the same thing..only from different experiences/perspectives.
ReplyDeleteIt is an awful thing to face that we live in a world that finds it acceptable to separate mother and child. Much easier to blame the mother, put the saving adoptive parents on the pedestal than to look at the entire system. Too scary to believe the entire world is effed up. Easier to believer there is just one effed up birth parent. Makes it easier to sleep at night. One evil "other"
I know, Suz.
ReplyDeleteI used to believe in the "chosen" line - not that I *wasn't* chosen - but that it made me somehow more special than other kids whose parents birthed them.
Once I learned that I was not in fact abandoned, very much cherished and wanted, it damn near tore me apart.
I wish I could reply to individual comments!
ReplyDelete@birthmothertalks ~ tackle away!
@Amanda ~ "I guess I wasn't as expendable as he thought I would be" Is probably so very true. I believed the adoption industries lies that I would go on with my life. I truly did not know that the love I felt for my son would stay forever. (and the urge to erase that last sentence is very strong. It makes me sick that I was so young and naive to believe that)
@ Suz ~ love your flip in your first comment! I do not like your second comment at all ~ because sadly, it is so very true.
Thanks.
ReplyDeleteMei Ling said:
ReplyDeleteOnce I learned that I was not in fact abandoned, very much cherished and wanted, it damn near tore me apart.
I can see this, I have felt this. I have hid from this and avoided it and played hide and seek with that kind of horrible pain and awareness.
I dont blame those who avoid it one bit. It is not an easy pill to swallow and can completely change your outlook.
Hugs to you for your strength and perseverance. I continue to admire your strength.