Friday, June 8, 2012

A Light Through The Darkness of Adoption Loss

Artwork from Ordinary Courage

I know I've been quiet lately.  I have been focusing on the good in my life, making brighter my "light from within".

I am so thankful for everyone and everything that has helped me find that light after being lost in the dark of adoption loss for so very, very long. 

The one who has made the biggest difference in my life at this stage is Christopher's mom.  I cannot put into words how much brighter my world became by meeting and being fully accepted by her. 

Lately in adopto-land there has been much written about adoptive parents keeping the natural mothers and families away from their children (infants to adults).  If they could only know, if only some would care, what a difference they could make in the loss and grief felt by those who lose loved-ones in adoption. 

A mother of adoption loss has no idea what life is actually going to be like without her child.  It should be expected that the moms are going to have a hard time, that she's going to be grieving.  That grief should not scare away the adoptive parents. 

I would hope that it would have them instead showing some compassion.  

I would hope that it would have the adoptive parents wanting to help ease the moms heart and mind.  Instead, I see so many cases where the adoptive family turns their back on the mother turning the blame back onto that mother.  They tell themselves and others that the mother wasn't "going on with her life" or some such crap.  They excuse away the true reasons they are uncomfortable in the face of the grief. 

By turning away from the mother (and father, siblings, extended family), they are only adding to the grief and loss.  Nothing will take away the grief, but many things will certainly add to it!  A letter, a note, some photos and/or videos, promised visits can go so far in helping a mother cope with the grief and loss of a child to adoption.  Keeping communication open will help her find acceptance and help her see that her child has loving parents who only want the best for the child.

One of my on-line friends has been shut out of her child's life.  The adoptive parents have pulled far away from the open adoption that was promised.  Leaving a mother, father, and sibling heart-broken.  Yes, the adoptive familiy would have to face the grief of this left-behind family ~ but in facing the grief they could relieve a lot of it too.  I just can't imagine being the kind of person who couldn't open my heart to help another out of their grief.  A small act by the adoptive family could have an enormous effect on the family left behind.  How can they deny that?  I will never understand. 

Not only is an adoptive family hurting the natural family left behind, they are hurting the very child they claim to love. 

The denial of adoptive parents does not take away the importance of or the need of those adopted to know their first chapter.  It only builds upon the loss and makes it even greater. 

If you have adopted or are planning on adopting and 
won't understand and honor the place of the 
natural family in your child's life ~ then please don't adopt. 

It's pretty simple really.  I don't understand what is so hard about it.  A child doesn't just appear out of nowhere.  A child is born to a mother, created by that mother and a father.  The story behind the conception and/or birth doesn't matter ~ the story doesn't change the simple fact that a child is born to two people and their families (past, present, and future). 

A child being given up for adoption and adopted by another family doesn't take away their first, biological, natural family ~ it only adds more family. 

If you have or are planning on adopting and you can't accept the fact that your child has another family, then you aren't offering your child unconditional love.  You are putting conditions on their very existence. 

As adoptive parents, you have the ability to make the choice for adoption either bearable or something that breaks a person.  

I am so very happy and thankful that Christopher got a mother and father who adopted out of love.  They never denied their daughter and son their beginnings.  They never denied my relationship with our son.  I was accepted into open arms and with a loving heart.  By openly accepting me as a part of their son's life, they have showed me love.  Love that allowed the light within me to grow stronger. 

The light of their love and acceptance of me shines brightly 
through the darkness of the loss of my son to adoption.  

I wish all mothers of adoption loss could know that love and acceptance. 

I wish that all adoptive parents would act out of love and not fear.  
For their own sake, for the natural families and for their adopted loved ones. 


  1. When ap's do this, they hurt their child. I just had this conversation with 2 different Mother-friends of mine. They cannot understand how an ap can withhold information from their child or close an adoption. It's simple. We, (adoptees) are commodities. We were "business transactions", and they have the receipt to prove it. We are possessions.

    For many ap's, it is easy to deny our first Mothers/Fathers/Families/Identites, because to acknowledge the TRUTH is too painful, and they are afraid. While there are exceptions to the rule, most ap's could care less about our origins and our families. Adoptees are told to forget about those things, too. But that goes against nature, just like adoption does.

    I had someone ask me last week how an adoption could be "successful". My first thing out of my mouth was, "Successful for whom?"

    I went on to tell them that I am against adoption, unless there is NO ONE in the child's natural family to raise him or her, and that the child should have regular contact with people in their natural family. I then told them that the adopters MUST realize that the child does not belong to them, they are not possessions, and that they will NEVER be "as if born to", and will always have the same qualities they had when they were conceived, because DNA does NOT change. That child will be forever bonded with their blood relatives, and that the child has 4 REAL parents. If those things can be understood and agreed upon, the adoption might be successful...for them. Because doing anything else will turn their adoptive children against them at some point....but that's in a perfect world. :)

    Im happy things are going well for you. It does make a terrible event somewhat bearable, and it really takes unneeded pressure off of your son.

    1. I had meant to mention Christopher's reaction to his mothers meeting and I forgot. He was very relieved that it went so well, he was worried that one or both of us would have been hurt by the other. I felt bad that he had been more worried than either of us had been, but I hope that it brings relief to him that both of his moms have been brought together through love, instead of hate tearing him apart between us.

  2. Replies
    1. I thought of you while writing this Lisa... I hope and pray that one day Brit's parents open up to you and your family.

  3. I love this post and I can so relate to Christopher's response that you mention in your comment above. I've heard other adoptees say similar things. It's actually difficult for me to put into words how profound it can be for an adoptee when the two mothers show loving acceptance of each other. I think it's because when they love and accept each other, we interpret it as them loving and accepting us because we are the product of both of them. And if we've struggled with divided loyalties seeing the mothers embrace each other, literally or figuratively, can be a huge relief! I've seen this in my daughter, too. The first time she saw her other mom and I together, and observed the genuine affection between us, was a major turning point for her.

  4. Beautifully stated and very heartfelt. If only your words can reach more adoptive parents, maybe their fears of losing love from the child they raised, would lessen. Maybe they would realize that in most instances, it took another Mother's love for the child to make it possible for them to have the joy they experienced. I don't call it a gift because it usually is not a "want to" situation. It's usually a "have to" with hopes of a better life for the child. Sharing and giving their blessings to the "child's" need for biological roots & love, is truly showing that it was all meant to be. The circle is complete and everyone can be twice blessed. We can't change what happened in the past, no matter what the circumstances were. The pain of loss never heals for most First Mothers but a strong band-aid can help. The Adoptive Family can make that happen for the beginning family of the Adoptee who was fortunate enough not to have been purposely rejected & unloved at the time of birth. Too many secrets, lies and just plain not knowing, can wreck lives. Adoptive families can eventually be torn apart if and when the truth comes out. If there is love, honesty must come with it. Promises must be kept unless it is a fact that changes must be made for the protection of the child. Yet, who is really knowledgeable enough to make that choice? The reasons must be carefully discussed with plans to make the negative reasons eventually turn positive. Years ago, most unwed mothers weren't given the choices of discussion, just "words of wisdom" & empty promises...a huge mistake that still needs to be worked on.

  5. Thanks ShalomBG ~ your reply is also beautifully stated. I wish that every ap/pap could read my words as well as the replies and truly understand that their part in adoption is much more than having a child to raise "as if". One of the main reasons I continue to write is because the truth of adoption loss must be told. The adoption industry will never tell adoptive parents of the loss nor of the importance they have in the lives of the rest of the (so-called) triad after adoption.