If I Knew Then...

More thoughts from the American Adoption Congress Conference:

After I had agreed with Suz to participate in her "Mitigating and Managing Collateral Damage: Impact of Adoption on the 1st Family" presentation, I thought of many examples of the collateral damage in my life.  When it came to the "managing and mitigating" part, the only thing I could come up with was to not lose a child to adoption in the first place.  I know that it's not a perfect world though, so adoption is going to be a choice made by some moms.  I was still at a loss for answers though and counted on Suz and Kathy to have some for that part of the talk.

The night before our presentation, I was asked if I would have made the "choice" for adoption if I had known then what I know now.

That one kind of threw me.

Because, to be totally honest, that answer would probably be yes.

Given the exact same circumstances, that answer would be yes.

I was adamant that my child would not grow up in the life I was living.  I grew up in a house of anger and hate.  Oh, there were some good times, yes.  Holidays were usually wonderful, spent with grandma and grandpa and aunts and uncles and cousins who made life fun.  The day to day mess of life though?  Not so pretty...

Even if I had been told of the life-long  and deep reaching effects that adoption could bring to my life, I'm sure I would have still signed those papers.  For it wasn't my life I was choosing adoption for, it was my unborn child's life I felt I was saving.

I, of course, at that time had no idea of the possible effects of adoption on my son.  Even though there were plenty of studies and papers written about the effects of adoption on the adoptee, that was not information shared with the general public, much less mothers considering adoption for their unborn children!

That was a hard question to think about.  If I had known then all the effects adoption could possibly have on my child, would I have still "chosen" it?

I hate to say it, but given the exact same circumstances, that answer would probably have still been yes.

Because I was SO sure that I was saving my son from myself, from my life in a house of hate.

Add those fears for my son to the strong societal views of the times towards single, young moms and I most certainly would still have believed him better off without me.

15 year old me, with no honest counseling, no parental guidance, going through this experience basically on her own, would have had no way of believing anything different.  I would probably have believed that the "price" he might possibly pay for being adopted would have been far less than the price he would have had to pay with me being his mom.

I probably would have just prayed all the harder for him.  In addition to praying that he got great parents, praying that he was healthy and happy, I would have prayed for him to have none of the issues that adoption could bring to him.

So yes.  My answer to "If I Knew Then..." would have been yes.

However...
That insight gave me some of the answers that had been illusive to me regarding mitigating the collateral damage.

I should have been told that I wouldn't simply go on as before.

I should not have been made to feel as though I wasn't really a mother.  Because I was.  I was a mother without her child.  How could that NOT effect every aspect of your life going forward??

I should have been told that it was NORMAL for a mother to grieve the loss of her child to adoption.
Forever.

I should have been told that when if I was lucky enough to have more children, to be aware that the loss of my firstborn child would have effects on my future motherhood.  I should have been counseled in the things to look for, beliefs to avoid, and ways to navigate through.

I should have been counseled to be aware that in the future each of the "reasons" I was choosing adoption for could possibly become issues to deal with without even realizing it ~ financial (too poor), sexuality (shame of it), unworthiness, etc.

Because...
I believed that there was something wrong with me because I kept thinking about my child lost to adoption.  I failed at forgetting.  Could I do nothing right?!?

I believed that I was pathetic ~ using an innocent baby to "make" myself cry.  Me to myself: "Really? You are making yourself think of Christopher just to have a reason to cry?"  Yes.  I really did think that.  I know.  I weep...

I lived for more than three decades in shame of my sexuality and in the shame of giving my child away.

I lived for more than three decades trying to prove my worthiness, feeling that the "real me" (a 15 year old who got pregnant and gave her child away) wasn't worthy of the wonderful life I went on to have, wasn't worthy of the wonderful husband and in-laws who I loved so deeply.  What a waste.  I cheated not only myself, but also my husband and everyone else in my life that I loved and who loved me.

I will be forever thankful for the first voices I found online after reunion who helped me see that the grief was normal, that there was nothing wrong with me after all.  I really believe that those first brave moms I found speaking out ~ Suz, Cassi, and Cheerio ~ along with all of the rest of the moms and adoptees I found in the following years, saved me from insanity and going back into that damn closet. 

Thank you Suz for asking me to be a part of your presentation ~ while it was fear that I first felt with your question, in the end it brought such healing.  To be able for the first time to talk about the experience out loud, knowing I had you, Kathy, and Rich there to support me if needed, to be met by so many others in the audience who "get it"...  It was an experience that I'm thankful for!

Adoptee Rights to Their Original Birth Certificates

As a mother of adoption loss, I would first of all like to (again) make it known that

I WAS NEVER PROMISED, NOR DID I EVER WANT, ANONYMITY FROM MY SON!

Those who try to use us mothers as the reasons that adoption records and original birth certificates are sealed are either lying or falsely believing someone else's lies. 

Most moms would openly welcome being contacted by their sons and daughters lost to adoption.  Most moms dream of finally having answers to their questions ~ is their son/daughter even alive?  If so, healthy?  Happy? A parent or grandparent now themselves?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why aren't they sealed until an adoption is finalized?  Wouldn't they be sealed upon relinquishment?

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, then why are the adopted sons and daughters STILL not allowed to receive a copy of the OBC after being reunited with their natural mother and/or father?  I have been told that even if Christopher and I were both to ask the Iowa courts to release his original birth certificate, it would be denied due to lack of "due cause".

If it was true that the natural mother's privacy is the reason for sealing records, why then would I (the natural mother) be denied a copy of my firstborn's birth certificate but be able to obtain a copy for the children I gave birth to and raised?  I need to hide myself from myself??

But let's just pretend that we ARE the reason our children aren't allowed their OBC.  What power do we hold to allow discrimination against the (adult) children who we signed away all rights to?  None.  We have no rights to that (adult) child, remember?

I believe that all United States citizens should have the same access to the original, true record of their own birth as any other citizen.  If one citizen can walk into the courthouse and get a copy of their original birth certificate, then ALL should be able to.

I am a mother who signed away her rights to raise her child ~ I did not sign away his rights to his own birth information!  I advocate for Adoptee Rights ~ do not ever use me as an excuse to keep even one person's own birth information from them!

 

#AdopteeRights

#IDontHaveNorDoIWantAnonymity

"7 Core Issues In Adoption"

In her latest blog post, Tao linked to a website that had lists of "7 Core Issues In Adoption", one list for each person in the so-called "Triad". 

Every item listed on the "Birth Parent" list was spot on for me. 

Every

Single

One

As Tao mentions in her post, these type of lists try to simplify things that are much too complicated to be put into bullet points.  When I saw that this list was on a web page described as "A non-profit adoptive family support center, serving families, professionals and educators since 1998", I was sure that the list for us moms was going to be far from reality.  

I'm still surprised at the honesty they have listed.

If only any mother considering adoption could read this page and KNOW the truth behind it!  

My surprise ended as I browsed the rest of that website however...

Under the description of their support services for "Birth Parents/Families" was this gem:

C.A.S.E. provides support for the birth parent(s) in grieving the loss of their child upon relinquishment as well as other times in the future when memories of that child surfaces (i.e. having other children, telling a spouse/partner, dealing with self-esteem, and dealing with the larger issues of social and political opinion surrounding adoption.)

Because, you know, memories of our children lost to 

adoption only surface in a few circumstances in the future. 

*Sigh*

 

American Adoption Congress Speech ~ May 4, 1979

I've seen this before. 

From a speech given at the first American Adoption Congress in Washington, DC. 

It's not that I agree with every word that makes it hit home especially hard. 

It's the date that this speech was given.

May 4, 1979

Just four days before Christopher was born.  

Just four days.

Four  Days 

I had no idea...

I was not indifferent.

My son was NOT unwanted.

I did not wish to remain forever hidden from him.

Sadly, 36 years later and this still rings true...

”It is the child welfare establishment that has provided the picture of birth mothers as indifferent – as mothers who abandon their unwanted children with a wish to remain forever hidden from them. They know that this is seldom true, but it helps to facilitate their work for the public to believe this. Society does not dismiss the importance of the natural family as readily as the social planners, and so it is useful to portray relinquishing parents as different from caring parents."

”The birth mother must be different, an aberration; for if it were true that she had the same degree of love for her child as all other mothers, the good of adoption would be overwhelmed by the tragedy of it. Adoptive parents are somewhat relieved of guilt if they can be assured that the birth parents truly did not want their child; for, under those circumstances, it is possible to feel entitled to claim the child of others."

"Neither society nor the mother who holds the child in her arms wants to confront the agony of the mother from whose arms that same child was taken. But that agony is real, as we have come to learn through our experience with reunions.“

Teleflora's Commercial Tribute to Young, Single Mothers

While wasting time on Facebook the other night, I kept seeing a link that several different friends had  posted about a Teleflora commercial that had left them in tears. 

It left me in tears too.  But for reasons unlike my friends.  Especially during this month of May, that includes not only Mother's Day, but also Christopher's birthday.

What a kick in the gut.

This wonderful son, grown up and serving in the military.  Who had been born to a single mom who gave up her dreams of becoming a professional athlete after finding herself pregnant with him.

This wonderful son, who praised all the sacrifices his mom had made for him. This wonderful son, who praised all the amazing things he was able to accomplish because of the love that he had from his mom.

While I try to not play the "What If" Game, I found myself also in tears ~ wondering what my life, what my son's life, might have been like if I had raised him instead of losing him to adoption.

I have not one single doubt that I would have been a wonderful mother to Christopher.  I had taken care of many children from the time I was twelve years old ~ I was a regular babysitter for several families in my neighborhood.  One of the families was so secure with my ability and maturity that by the age of 14 I was watching their two children overnight while the parents were out of town for the weekend.

I have no doubt that I would have been a better mother to my raised kids also ~ I would not have been parenting with the unaddressed trauma of losing my firstborn child to adoption.  I would have been a better wife and daughter, better to myself.

So.  Enough with that game of "What If"  ~ It gets you nowhere and only ends in grief and anger.

While this commercial was a kick in the gut to me, I hope that any unmarried mothers-to-be who watch it gain strength from it.  If you are young and/or unmarried and facing an unexpected pregnancy, being a great mom IS possible, despite all that the adoption industry and the seemingly perfect prospective adoptive parents want you to believe.

Adoption Reunion From An Adoptee's Point of View

Most of the stories you see of adoption reunion in the media are just sort snippets in time ~ the moment that family members see each other face-to-face for the first time since birth.  How happy and exciting it all is.

Those short snippets don't show what happens in the time after the first emails, letters, in-person visits.

Reunion was life changing for me.  There are still times, six years later, that I find myself lost in some aspects; trying to figure out how to navigate this new life with my firstborn son included.  

Today I read this adoptee's story of her experience and feelings in being reunited with her natural family.

It's an important read I think, especially for those expectant mothers considering adoption who are still landing here on my blog.  If the hope of a future reunion with your child is something that you are holding onto in order to be able to go through with adoption ~ take that hope off the table.  It's not a sure thing.  I have come to know some wonderful reunion stories, but there are far more where either the natural mother (or father) or the grown adoptee is unable to have a relationship with the other. 

Here are a few things that Jessenia said that I want to share here, but if you have time please go read Jessenia's post here.  (I added emphasis on the words that cut like a knife into this mothers heart)

I used to think that searching for my birth mother would be the hardest part about my adoption besides dealing with being adopted (I got used to that already). However, I learned that life post reunion has to be the most difficult part about being adopted.

It's complicated. Everything about it is complicated.


It was well over a year, maybe two, that I reunited with my birth family face-to-face. Simply put, I wasn't ready. I learned that I had six siblings - two older and four younger. That in itself added another degree of pain to know that my birth mother had other child and more children. Why was I the one that was abandoned? What was so bad about me? I struggle with it often till this day because I don't have all the answers, but even with them, I am afraid I will always feel this way.


Today, in my heart and in my mind, I struggle with how to live my life with two mothers even though my adoptive mom is my mom. She is number one and will always be that because she raised me, loved me, and never gave up on me or our family no matter how tough it was. She worked three jobs and did her best as a widow. That is what a mother does. However, be it the loving person I am, deep inside I want to be able to love my birth mother and call her "mom" or something close to that, but I can't. I want to compartmentalize everyone into their spaces. Two mom's just doesn't feel right. It doesn't fit. It is awkward. It is like I have a family over here and a family over there. And I must keep them separated, my moms anyways. I am afraid that one will feel loved more than the other. Not that my adoptive mom ever said anything like that to me before. It's an adoptee thing. But I have no desire to love my birth mom how I love my adoptive mom. I just wish things could be normal? Whatever that is.

However, on the flip-side, my biological siblings are dying to be in my life and want to do all that, but I cannot let them in until I figure out things with my adoptive family. Because again, I don't ever want my adoptive family to feel that I am showing more love to my birth family. My mind won't let me rest on this. These are the effects of adoption.

There is so much more to this story, but the bottom line is that I still don't feel like I am connected to anyone. I learned that blood or biological ties really doesn't secure a bond like I had imagined. That comes with time. Unfortunately, my siblings are having to pay for the decisions that was beyond their control because I know they love me like crazy, but I won't let them grow close to me. I am traumatized by what has already happened in my reunion that I am afraid to subject myself to more pain that I can easily avoid by closing the door. I wish I wouldn't do this to them, but this is what being abandoned and adoption did to me. I pray like crazy that one day I can let my guard down and be open to love without fear.

Oh Jessenia...  I hope and pray also that one day you can let your guard down and be open to love without fear.  I hope that for all adoptees.  I also hope that for all mothers who have lost a child to adoption.  Myself included.

a

Heartbreaking - Another Open Adoption Closed...

Today in one of my online support groups there was yet another post from a mother of adoption loss who was promised an open adoption ~ which never came to be. 

Today is her babies 1st birthday. 

She has never received one single photo. 
Not.  One.  Photo.
Even though the adoptive parents promised her that she would be a part of her child's life always.

She has never received one update. 
Not.  One.  Update. 
Even though the adoptive parents promised her that she would be a part of her child's life always.

Another mother who was told that an open adoption consisted of photos and updates. 
Yet she has no idea where these parents live, doesn't know their name, doesn't know anyhing about them. 

Another mother who wasn't told that receiving correspondence through an adoption agency really isn't an open adoption.

Another mother who wasn't told that this so-called open adoption isn't legally binding.

Another mother who wouldn't have chosen adoption if she wouldn't even be able to know if her child was still alive, much less healthy and happy.

Another adoptive family who thought it was ok to lie ~ whatever it took to get what they wanted.

Another adoption agency that doesn't care about the mother or child once the papers are signed.  They got the baby to supply to the parents who are willing to pay them thousands of dollars in exchange. 

For that's what adoption has become in this day and age my folks. 

Adoption is now about providing a child to a family that wants one.

When it should be about giving a family to a child that doesn't have one.

Two things feed the corruption that adoption has become:

Big Business

Finding the supply to meet the demand to make the $$ 

No matter what lies and myths are necessary to keep that supply and demand coming in

Entitlement

Wanting a baby.  At any cost. 

Who cares about the mothers left behind?

They didn't really want their babies anyways, did they?

For if you really wanted your baby, why would you even THINK of contacting an adoption agency??

Proposed "Baby Veronica" Law brings back memories...

I was just reading the article about the proposed "Baby Veronica" law in Oklahoma.  Reading that the bill would require birth parents to go before a judge to sign away parental rights. I found myself lost in remembering and wondering...

I don't remember if this was before or after Christopher was born.  I think it was after?  I remember sitting in an office talking to a "counselor" about the adoption hearing that would be/had been scheduled.  She was telling me that it was my choice to attend the hearing or not.  She told me that if I attended it I would be sworn in to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.  She then told me that the judge would ask me several questions about why I was giving my child up for adoption.  That he would ask if adoption was truly what I wanted.  She told me that if I told him the truth that he probably wouldn't let me give my baby up.  (For I didn't "want" to give him up ~ I felt that I "had" to give him up.)

I remember the panic.  I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to go in front of that judge and lie to him.  What if he wouldn't "let" me give my baby up?? 

I remember the counselor repeating this process to me a couple of times.  To be sure I understood.  Was she telling me this to ensure that I wouldn't go to court to relinquish my rights ~ so that the judge wouldn't stop the adoption?  Or maybe...  maybe she was trying to get me to see that adoption wasn't what I really wanted nor had to do? 

I wonder...

I do know that if I had been made to go in front of a judge I would not have been able to tell him that I wanted to give my son up for adoption.

Not that this changes anything. 

Just makes me wonder though...

National Adoption Awareness Month - Day 1

Today is the first day of National Adoption Awareness Month.  I am going to try to post often during this NAAM ~ focusing on adoptees since that's what adoption is supposed to be about!

This month was created to bring awareness to the children who are available for adoption through foster care.  However, the adoption industry has high-jacked it to be a month long advertisement for their multi-Billion $$ per year industry. 

Adoption in the case of getting kids out of foster care is a wonderful thing ~ every child deserves to be raised in a loving and caring family. 

Adoption in the case of domestic infant adoption is completely different from foster care adoption. 

Adoption ~ even when an absolute necessity such as a mother and father having no desire to raise their child, or if abuse is a part of their lives ~ adoption is built upon loss.  Even if the adoption is a storybook example, that doesn't take away the fact that the infant had to lose everything in order to be adopted. 

The message of awareness that I would like to get across is that adoption should be a last resort.  Adoption is supposed to be about providing a loving home to a child who NEEDS one.  It should never be about providing a child to a home that WANTS one. 

Adoption today is different ~ they say.  Yes, it is different.  We can no longer say that adoption is only sunshine and rainbows for all involved.  There are too many people telling their stories, too many studies easily available.  It is  known now the life-long effects of adoption on those adopted, the natural mothers, as well as the adoptive parents.  It is time that people in the general public became aware of the reality of adoption and quit allowing the adoption industry to sell it's lies. 

Adoption today is built upon a foundation of loss and lies.  Even in an era of open adoption adoptees are still denied the truth of their own birth.  Only a few states allow all adoptees to receive a factual copy of their birth information.  What a crime that is! 

Speaking of lies in adoption, for this first day of National Adoption Awareness Month 2013, I'm going to share a request from an adult adoptee:

Dear Friends,
I am working on a slide show and power point presentation on the history of lies and corruption in adoption. one of the sections includes lies surrounding our adoptions. I would like to show the photo of the person along with 3 or 4 sentences describing the lies, corruption, or deceit.

Please consider participating in this by private messaging me your story along with any photo you are comfortable sharing. This will be presented by me in November at a conference on adoption with the primary audience comprised of a-parents and social workers. I want to sock people in the gut with this seminar.

Also, please spread the word. I would like tons of these experiences to pick through; especially lies propagated through agencies and case-workers.

Thanks,
Jeff Hancock

 You can share your lies with Jeff through his facebook page.  If you aren't fb friends with Jeff, send them to me and I will forward them to him ~ either message me through my facebook page or email them to me at findingchristopher at gmail.  Jeff is looking for photos/messages from adoptees as well as natural moms & dads. 

Here is what I'm sending to Jeff:

I was told that I wasn't allowed to see or hold my son when he was born.  Yet I was allowed a one hour visit with him when he was three weeks old ~ doing my best to be a "good birthmother" so I didn't even consider easing my heartbreak and raising him myself.  I was also told that I would be breaking the law if I EVER searched for him. Thank goodness I didn't care if it was true or not and signed up on some reunion registries online making it possible for my son to find me!  After almost 30 years I was finally able to learn that he was indeed alive ~ as well as healthy and happy. 

Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

Watch this.  It's a powerful video.

Thanks Peach for posting this.  

Last Will and Testament of an Adopted Person

A Light Through The Darkness of Adoption Loss

Artwork from Ordinary Courage

I know I've been quiet lately.  I have been focusing on the good in my life, making brighter my "light from within".

I am so thankful for everyone and everything that has helped me find that light after being lost in the dark of adoption loss for so very, very long. 

The one who has made the biggest difference in my life at this stage is Christopher's mom.  I cannot put into words how much brighter my world became by meeting and being fully accepted by her. 

Lately in adopto-land there has been much written about adoptive parents keeping the natural mothers and families away from their children (infants to adults).  If they could only know, if only some would care, what a difference they could make in the loss and grief felt by those who lose loved-ones in adoption. 

A mother of adoption loss has no idea what life is actually going to be like without her child.  It should be expected that the moms are going to have a hard time, that she's going to be grieving.  That grief should not scare away the adoptive parents. 

I would hope that it would have them instead showing some compassion.  

I would hope that it would have the adoptive parents wanting to help ease the moms heart and mind.  Instead, I see so many cases where the adoptive family turns their back on the mother turning the blame back onto that mother.  They tell themselves and others that the mother wasn't "going on with her life" or some such crap.  They excuse away the true reasons they are uncomfortable in the face of the grief. 

By turning away from the mother (and father, siblings, extended family), they are only adding to the grief and loss.  Nothing will take away the grief, but many things will certainly add to it!  A letter, a note, some photos and/or videos, promised visits can go so far in helping a mother cope with the grief and loss of a child to adoption.  Keeping communication open will help her find acceptance and help her see that her child has loving parents who only want the best for the child.

One of my on-line friends has been shut out of her child's life.  The adoptive parents have pulled far away from the open adoption that was promised.  Leaving a mother, father, and sibling heart-broken.  Yes, the adoptive familiy would have to face the grief of this left-behind family ~ but in facing the grief they could relieve a lot of it too.  I just can't imagine being the kind of person who couldn't open my heart to help another out of their grief.  A small act by the adoptive family could have an enormous effect on the family left behind.  How can they deny that?  I will never understand. 

Not only is an adoptive family hurting the natural family left behind, they are hurting the very child they claim to love. 

The denial of adoptive parents does not take away the importance of or the need of those adopted to know their first chapter.  It only builds upon the loss and makes it even greater. 

If you have adopted or are planning on adopting and 

won't understand and honor the place of the 

natural family in your child's life ~ then please don't adopt. 

It's pretty simple really.  I don't understand what is so hard about it.  A child doesn't just appear out of nowhere.  A child is born to a mother, created by that mother and a father.  The story behind the conception and/or birth doesn't matter ~ the story doesn't change the simple fact that a child is born to two people and their families (past, present, and future). 

A child being given up for adoption and adopted by another family doesn't take away their first, biological, natural family ~ it only adds more family. 

If you have or are planning on adopting and you can't accept the fact that your child has another family, then you aren't offering your child unconditional love.  You are putting conditions on their very existence. 

As adoptive parents, you have the ability to make the choice for adoption either bearable or something that breaks a person.  

I am so very happy and thankful that Christopher got a mother and father who adopted out of love.  They never denied their daughter and son their beginnings.  They never denied my relationship with our son.  I was accepted into open arms and with a loving heart.  By openly accepting me as a part of their son's life, they have showed me love.  Love that allowed the light within me to grow stronger. 

The light of their love and acceptance of me shines brightly 

through the darkness of the loss of my son to adoption.  

I wish all mothers of adoption loss could know that love and acceptance. 

I wish that all adoptive parents would act out of love and not fear.  

For their own sake, for the natural families and for their adopted loved ones. 

Letting Go

From this quote at the very beginning of the blog post on Metta Drum, I was intrigued...

We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us.

Jean-Paul Sartre

The following is my rambling brain trying to talk my way through the meaning of Daniel's post (which is in the brown all-caps text) in regards to my life.   This post is just a rambling mess, as are my thoughts...

Lately I've been exploring this idea of transformation as letting go. Letting go of what I no longer resonate with, and nurturing the deeper "me" underneath all that, instead of trying to patch myself up in an attempt to become something new and improved. 

I did let go of that confused, scared, all-alone-in-the-world 15 year old girl who had to give her son up for adoption.

Now I want to let go the wanting more.  I know that there IS no more to be had.  In order to have the more that my heart and soul search for, I would have had to raised my son. In order to have more, my son would also want to have more.

I want to let go of the hurt.  Is there a way to heal the hurts of losing a child to adoption?  Not to just accept it, but to heal it?

I feel that I am a new and improved version of myself ~ having come out of the adoption closet, out of the denial, I've gotten rid of the false beliefs.  But is there more than that?  Can I get to the deeper “me” underneath all of that?

Scraping the layers of paint and dirt off of the mirror, so to speak.

I think we lose sight of who we are when we find ourselves identifying with the paint and the dirt. We think all those layers of "stuff" define us, and then we feel defective. So we try to become less of this, and more of that.

In this way, we continually create a distorted, unsatisfying sense of Self.

You won't find any long-term solutions in the less of this, more of that approach. Instead, consider the idea that the You you've been searching for is already present within you, just waiting for conscious connection. Let go of the idea that you need fixing, because deep down, you aren't really broken. 

Am I really not broken?  I'm Christopher's mother ~ I gave birth to him.  Yet I didn't raise him.  Yet my heart and soul feel him as my son.  Yet...  It's an endless circle.

The truth of the matter is that I gave birth to a son who is not in my life as my soul yearns for him to be.  Is the conscious connection that needs to be made just the "knowing" that I am indeed a mother to my firstborn child?  That I'm not just a "birthmother"  (God, I HATE that word!)  I think I have scraped some of the layers off ~ I no longer look at myself as a "birthmother", I now know that I was always much more than the egg donor and incubator I believed I was.

Is it that the me I've been searching for is already present in me ~ just the knowledge and belief that I am and was always his mother, despite signing those damn papers?

Is the idea that  I need Christopher to truly be a part of my life in order to be "fixed" a false idea?  In writing out all of my pondering here, the answer to that is yes.  In the creating and giving birth to him I am his mother.  No, not in the way that I wish with all of my heart that I could have been, but signing a piece of paper didn't unbirth him from me.  It didn't take away my motherhood, it took away my parenthood.

You've only taken on layers of concepts, habits and dogmas that aren't serving you, and certain basic needs have gone unmet for awhile.

So begin to strip away those layers that you've built up over the course of your lifetime and discover the truth of who you are.

While I know I am so much more than a mother who lost her son to adoption, it is the biggest part of me.  Isn’t it?  I feel that it is.  It effects everything I do, everything I think, everything I am…

For example: Instead of trying to be less argumentative and more understanding of the viewpoints of others, simply let go of the need to always be right, the need to win. Underneath that, you may discover a fear that you aren't being heard, a fear of being invisible and unimportant. This fear may reveal the need for a very specific type of self-love — and once you understand where nurturing and healing are needed, you can begin your work of letting go at the source.

In being less argumentative and more understanding of the viewpoints of others in adoption, should I let go of the need to speak out of the truth of adoption loss for the mothers and adoptees?  To me it doesn’t feel like a need to always be right, it feels as though it’s a truth that needs to be told and understood.

I DO fear that I’m not being heard.  I do have the fear of being invisible and unimportant.  It’s not really a fear though...  I feel that it’s just the truth.  As far as being a mother of adoption loss, we are not listened to.  The loss that I live with every minute of every day is unimportant to anyone who believes or needs to believe in the institution of adoption.  The rainbows and sunshine of adoption are so prevalent, so deeply engrained in everything/everyone.  Except those who live with the loss of adoption.

I will admit that I do have a fear of being invisible and unimportant ~ To Christopher.  So what does that fear reveal?  What kind of self-love is even possible to overcome that?  Where do I let in the nurturing and healing for that?  What is the source of that?  How do I begin the work of letting go at the source if the source is the very soul of me, of my motherhood?

That's just one example, but it illustrates the process of letting go of the outermost layers of "stuff" and revealing the deeper issues underneath, where you can discover your root needs and begin to nurture them. This is where true healing and transformation take place. This is where your higher Self is waiting to emerge.

My root needs...  to have my son in my life.  Which he is.  Kinda.  I know where he is.  I know of his life.  And I am so very thankful for that.

The problem there is that my heart, soul, and every cell of my body feels for him as a son.  No differently than the sons I raised.  I didn't raise Christopher though...  so our relationship is...  less than?  Less than I want it to be, less than I need it to be.  Maybe that's what I have to finally accept?  That it will never, can never be, what I want/need it to be? To be completely honest with myself, right now I don't even know if what we have now is a relationship at all...

This will not be a comfortable process. You may stir up some scary, negative stuff. You may experience some very unpleasant awakenings that shake you to your core. But on the other side of this discomfort and this work, enlightenment and healing are possible. 

I have never really grieved the loss of my son.  I live with the grief, but I haven't experienced the grief.  I'm scared to allow myself to face it.  That deep, dark hole of despair.  As I referred to in another post, I'm scared of facing it because I'm scared that I won't be able to come out of it.  I fear that it's going to envelope me completely instead of just chewing me up and spitting me out. 

It won't be easy, no. But it will be worth it.

Begin the process of letting go of what you are not, and uncovering your neglected/abandoned needs. Nurture and clarify your true Self in this way. The process of transformation is really a process of discovery and refinement of who you truly are.

Today, you are not asked to change in order to become a better version of yourself. You are free to simply let go of what isn’t You. Free to let go of what isn’t magnificent and beautiful. Free to delight in the nakedness of You. The beauty and excellence of You. The fullness of You. 

Let go of what isn't me...  Let go of what isn't magnificent and beautiful...  Writing and contemplating on this entire post, I come up with two things that I need to let go of. 

The grief and loss that are trapped inside of me, unable to be expressed. 

The expectations of having "more" with Christopher. 

What if in finally allowing myself to acknowledge, feel, and express the deeply buried grief I sink into the despair, never to find my way out of the depths?
How do I let go of Christopher?  Again?  This silence is killing me.  Because I am wanting more.  So, do I just accept that there is nothing more to have, walk away and hope that one day he will again come into my life?  Do I just let go and let God?  Just as before when I went back to my life before I gave birth and gave away my first born son?  Shall I now just try to go back to my life before reading those emails on January 16th 3 years ago?  Walking away from my son again?  Is it walking away if he doesn't want me to be a part of his life? 

I thought that working through this post of Daniel's, it could help me work through some of my confusion.  I'm still confused...  Do I write Christopher a letter asking him what he wants out of this relationship?  Do I force a visit on him to discuss it in person?  Do I just go into silence as he has? 

Do I walk away from all things adoption?  The forum, the blogs...   In order to try to get back to life before reunion, I would have to.  To accept my life without keeping that adoption wound open, I would have to.  Or not?  Even if I don't keep picking at that scab, will it ever heal? 

Is your unmarried/young daughter pregnant?

Then I have some reading for you!  Danielle at "Another Version of Mother" writes a fabulous post for the Open Adoption Roundtable #35 regarding Grandparents.  Do yourself, your daughter, and your grandchild a favor and go read this blog post.  Then read it again. 

Open Adoption Roundtable #35: Grandparents

 

Me - With No Apologies!

I Am Me

As the title of this blog says, reunion with my son wasn't only about finding and getting to know my son lost to adoption, it is also about finding myself. 

When I was a pregnant teenager in 1979, I took on the shame that society was only more than willing to dole out.  I no longer took into consideration all the good things I had done/did in my life ~ it was the "bad" I had done that I used to define my life.  I took on the secrecy of shame.  I thought that if anyone knew the "real" me ~ the me that *gasp* had sex at 15, became pregnant, then gave my baby away ~ they wouldn't like me.  Or worse yet, that they would hate me or think me to be a mean, uncaring person. 

I was already a "people pleaser", I already was one to avoid confrontation due to the crazy family life I was growing up in.  The shame of being an unwed mother who gave a child up for adoption just deepened this in me.  I set out to only show people the "nice" side of me.  To prove that after all, I REALLY WAS a good girl! 

The only time I felt that I could truly be myself was when I was with my life-long friend that I grew up with, as well as with a few girls we became friends with after I returned to high school after Christopher was born.  They all knew, understood, and loved me ~ the REAL me ~ even though... no matter what.  Until recently, it was only when I was with this wonderful group of friends that I could really be myself, that I could let down all my walls and just be. 

My friends & I ~ The Fab Five

With getting to know my son, getting to know myself, I now know that one bad decision didn't define my life.  Not saying "no" that one fateful night isn't my entire being.  Choosing adoption for my firstborn son doesn't define my love, my parenting ability, anything about me. 

Changing who I was, who I let people think that I was, sadly wasn't limited  to my teenage years.  I continued that into adulthood.  When my children were little I was the PTA volunteer, treasurer, president.  I was the go-to person for the school & teachers when they needed someone to do anything extra.  I wasn't a failure as a mother because I gave up my firstborn child, I was a wonder-mom to my raised kids.  At least that's the persona I took on when dealing with their schools.  12 years ago when my husband moved us to this tiny village where he grew up, I became The Church Lady.  The church lady who was always ready and willing to help with the funeral dinners, to teach CCD, any and everything that needed a volunteer.  I wasn't the stupid 15 year old who didn't know how to say no, who gave her child up for adoption.  I was a GOOD person damn it!!  I would have been mortified if any of my small-town friends, fellow church goers, my hubbies family who has lived here for generations, would have seen me being myself with my girlfriends.  Oh the horrors if they had seen me being the loudest laughing one in the group.  If they had seen me enjoying some Cap'n and talking way too much and way too loudly. If they heard us talking nasty or sometimes cussing like sailors ...

I no longer compartmentalize all the parts of my personality.  From the beginning of this journey of finding myself, I have tried to live an authentic life.  I'm still working on that, but Brene Brown and her wonderful website Ordinary Courage has helped me begin.  I stumbled onto an old post of hers the other day, and as I read these words:

Part of midlife is scooping up all the different versions of yourself that you’ve created to please folks, and integrating them into one whole, authentic person. This is tough work for me. I’m so good at assessing exactly who I need to be and when I need to be it. It’s really too bad that "alternating" eventually sucks your soul right out of your body.

In addition to curbing the chameleon action, the other part of integrating has been the very painful process of reconnecting with the parts of myself that I orphaned over the years. You know – the parts of ourselves that we abandon because they get in the way of who and what we need to be now.

 ..they made me realize how much I used to do that.  I also realized just how much my life has changed these last three years.  Three years ago I was the champion chameleon!  Now?

I am a million different things. 
At a million different times. 
I am ME. 
I am me with no apologies!

I'm far from being done on my journey.  I've put so much into place, but I have so much more to figure out...  But that's another story for another day!

Father Thomas Brosnan; Through a Priest's Adopted Eyes

Tonight I found myself lost in reading the words of a Catholic Priest who was adopted as an infant.

Father Tom Brosnan, B.A.,M.Div.,M.F.A. who is an international speaker and writer. Father Brosnan has advocated for adopted persons, who seek the same civil rights as their non-adopted peers --- access to their original birth certificates. Father Brosnan understands the search for origins as “a religious experience, a pilgrimage of self knowledge, a holy endeavor.” In September, 2001, Father Brosnan received the Angels in Adoption Award presented by the Congress of the United States.

Father Brosnan was told he was adopted at 12 years of age, searched for and found his natural parents when he was 32 years old.  He was in reunion with his mother for 10 years before she died, and is in contact with his 6 maternal siblings. He also found and met his father, who denies his parentage of Fr. Brosnan.

I was rather surprised that Fr. Brosnan is an active priest, yet speaks out (beautifully) about the wrongs of closed adoptions and records ~ which the Catholic Church advocates for.  He speaks of the "lies" in adoption also.  I was completely surprised to find myself lost in the writings of a Catholic Priest!

Below are links to transcripts of some of the speeches Fr. Brosnan has given. 

Through A Priest's Adopted Eyes

More Adoption Related Posts By Father Brosnan

Susie

I was reading the words of an adoptee the other day, I read these words and found myself nodding in agreement:

No one believes me that my mother is an ordinary woman. An ordinary person who cares for her children. But that can’t be true, because she gave me up. So she loved me enough to give me up but not enough to keep me – yet she’s “okay” because she kept her other children – but because she kept her other children and didn’t keep me, she’s seen as an abnormal woman.

She gave me up and kept two others, so there is something wrong with her. She didn’t love me enough, she loved me selflessly, she loves me but just not as much as her other children, she was foolish for not being able to take care of me, etc etc.

 It took me a few days of reading and re-reading this post to figure out what exactly had me going back to it.

It's no wonder that the average Joe has these beliefs about mothers who have given a child up for adoption.  I myself believed these things for many years.  I didn't think I was "good enough" when parenting my raised children because after all, I had given my firstborn child away.  There was something wrong with me because I was stupid enough to get pregnant so young in the first place, then to top it off I gave him up for adoption ~ making my "mistake" even worse.  How could anyone look at me as an "ordinary woman" when I had failed my firstborn son so badly??  How could I ever be considered to be a good mom to my raised children when I had failed my firstborn so badly??  I doomed him to be an illegitimate child, to life as an adoptee.  I told myself that I chose adoption out of love for him ~ but if I really loved him, wouldn't I have done everything possible to raise him?  I didn't even know if he really did get that "better life", if he really did have great parents who were better than I could have been.  How could I have put such blind trust in complete strangers? Is there anything less "ordinary" than that for a mother? 

I still found myself going back to Mei-Ling's post with an unsettled feeling.  I went back to read the post yet again, and saw it this time:

Granted, when I see the statement “a mother kept one child but gave up the other[s]“, it does make me wonder. All the intellect in the world doesn’t matter when semantics come into play. And oh lord, does it ever make me hurt for the day the relinquished child will discover their mother kept siblings. Because I know how it feels, and it can be excruciatingly painful to witness that, to have to live with the knowledge that you were given up but your siblings weren’t, so you’re automatically deemed as less worthy. I know how it feels to be an outcast, to be fed crumbs and know you only get those crumbs out of pity.

…..

Case in point: If my mother woke up tomorrow and got in a traffic accident on her way to work and ended up in a hospital overnight with a severe brain injury, how would I know?

Quite simple: I wouldn’t. Because I was relinquished and I’m not part of the “real” family over there in the way my kept and raised siblings have been.

…..

Because a mother who has given up a child and who ultimately kept her other children, is not worthy. Our brains give us all the legitimate, politically correct terms the whole wide world has to offer, but at the heart of it all, the raw truth is that it translates to:

Your mother didn’t care enough.

 
That was it.  The fear I had about reunion.  The fear that my son would one day find out I had gone on and raised three children after I gave him up.  I was so very fearful that he would be angry about that.  So fearful that he would hate me for that. I was terrified that Christopher would think that I didn't care enough. 

This one single post of Mei-Ling's touched on so many things for me.  So many of the beliefs I had for so many years after giving my son up, beliefs that changed dramatically after we were reunited. 

And so this gives free rein to the stereotypes, the misconceptions. This gives others the mindset that they can say whatever they want, no matter how true or false or exaggerated it may be. Because all they see is:

Mother gave up her child and kept the other children.

And they think:

Who does that?!

No one cares to know, either.

Because the truth, intellect doesn’t matter. No amount of intellectual explanation matters. The law says she didn’t have enough money. The law says she didn’t have any support. The law says “You need to realize not all parents can care for their kids.” The law says “We shouldn’t have to give a damn about parents who end up in situations where they can’t care for their kids.” The law says “That’s your explanation, we found good parents for you, so what’s your problem? Your mother couldn’t care for you. Not our fault.”

Christopher did get great parents, he did have a great childhood ~ so what's my problem? 

And then, coincidentally, the law says “Other people wish to become parents. Other people want a child to love.” That’s the explanation.

Adoption narrative: The law says “We shouldn’t have to give a damn about parents who end up in situations where they can’t care for their kids.” -> And then, coincidentally, the law says “Other people wish to become parents.”

I hope and pray that through this blog a mother facing an unexpected pregnancy may find the information to make a TRULY and FULLY informed decision for or against adoption.  I hope and pray that these mothers will find the resources to learn about how adoption will really effect herself and the precious child she is carrying, that she can be directed to the support she needs to keep her family intact.  It is not only the natural parents who are deceived by the adoption industry, it is also the adoptive parents who are not told the truths of adoption.  I hope that people can come to realize that the adoption industry and our laws regarding domestic infant adoption in the U.S. are not about a mother, about the family, needing to be cherished and preserved.  DIA has become about the attorneys and agencies ensuring their multi-billion dollar incomes through the women and men who want to add a child to their family through adoption. 

After seeing what I have seen on the blogosphere, and the amount of discussion pertaining to the intellectual and semantic conflicts in adoption, the question is no longer: If my mother loved me, why did she give me up?

I know my mother loved me. I looked her in the eye and I knew she loved me, without any outside influence.

The question is now:

My mother loved me. So why wasn’t she supported to keep me?

I hope and pray that Christopher does truly know how much

I always have and always will love him.

Susie

 

Alone ~ Words of Anguish

A friend of mine from a forum for moms wrote a beautifully haunting post the other day.  I can't get it out of my head.  I asked her for permission to post it here, as I think it is something that needs to be read by many.

My opinions on adoption loss, as well as my stance on family preservation are often said to be irrelevant.  My opinion, the opinions of other mothers who lost children to adoption decades ago, are dismissed as not relevant because "adoption is different" now.  That is a whole different post though.  This post is about the loss experienced by "new" mothers of adoption loss being no different than those of us who have lived with it for decades.  It is painful, it is agonizing.  How anyone can dismiss the grief of another is beyond me.

Here are the words of a mother who lost her child to adoption just over two years ago.

I feel so alone now,
The days pass by so slowly.
I feel I have been left behind,
Forgotten and pushed to the back of your mind,
The gift I gave you,
Has taken a huge toll
On my mind, body, spirit, and soul.
I alone paid the price,
Made the ultimate sacrifice.
And you were the only ones with something to gain,
I'm the one left with the pain.
The days drag on,
Until each one combines into the next one.

And I feel so alone, 

I feel so alone...

Stop Shorstein Network

I post today to help spread the word about a class-action lawsuit against Shorstein Advocacy Group for using coercion and fraud when soliciting expectant mothers.

From Pound Pup Legacy:

Shorstein, a lawyer in Florida known as the "adoption kingpin" is now being sued in Florida courts for using coercion and fraud when soliciting first parents.

He has been known to make promises of open adoption to first parents, and the adoptions quickly close within 3 years-5 years. The significance of this time frame, is that in most cases, it is five years that a person is able to file a lawsuit within the limit of statues time frame. In other words, contact is discontinued at a the pivotal time that first parents have to reinforce their rights.

And sometimes there is a miracle. Now, all mothers and fathers who have been coerced by Michael Shorstein or who have gone through First Coast Adoption Professionals and had Kathleen Stevens as the counselor can now seek relief. All people, regardless of when the adoption happened can now stand up for their rights and join a class action lawsuit against Shorstein and the agency.

Please pass this message along to any person who may have been affected by these people. We want all people who have been made promises to be able to stand up and join this lawsuit. For parents who are new, and whose open adoption is still open, this is your chance to make sure it does not close.

 From Stop Shorstein Advocacy Group:

Stop Shorstein Network

Families united against Shorstein to bring their children home

The Stop Shorstein Network Is Looking For Families Who Lost Their Children To Fraudulent Adoption Practices In Florida!

The Stop Shorstein Network needs to contact families who have been coerced into signing away their rights to their child(ren) by Shorstein. Hundreds of families have been victimized. Please join with us. Together we can create change.

•  Were promises made to you that were false and damaging?
• Did you sign legal documents under false pretenses?
• Were you manipulated, coerced, or tricked?
• Have they made excuse after excuse for failing to follow through with their promises?
• Have you been denied the relationship with your children that you were promised?
• Have you and your children been harmed and damaged?

You aren't alone in your pain. Please connect with us today.

email: reunite@stopshorstein.info

 

Call To Action From The AAC

Calling All Birthparents

THE ADOPTEE ACCESS MOVEMENT 

NEEDS YOU!

Join the OVER 650 who have already signed

Add Your Name to the Cause

Some Great Things I Have Learned In Blog-Land

I decided to add a couple of pages to my blog.

One page is a place to record some of the great blog posts I have read.  When I was first "coming out of the fog", I found much comfort and learned a lot from the words of other mothers and of adoptees.  I wanted to make a list of the posts that I think will help someone wanting to learn about living with adoption loss.

The other page I have added is for a review of the books I have read about adoption.  It is a short list right now, as I haven't really been reading any books lately.  I used to read all the time, but now my attention span isn't long enough to concentrate on a book.