Nothing like the holidays to throw some adoption loss blues into your life...
No matter that I've been living with this for almost 34 years now. No matter that we have known each other for almost 4 years now. No matter that I have come to a place of "acceptance" about the loss of my son to adoption.
Grief STILL finds a way in.
The thing is ~ you never know what is going to trigger the grief. In my case, it's coming from a few things right now. Christmas and New Years of course are tinged with loss. Add to that my oldest raised son who has pulled himself and his kids away from our family while he focuses on some personal/marital issues. While in my head I know I'm not losing them too ~ all my heart knows is fear of losing yet another son and the close relationship I have had with his children. Last but not least are all the wonderful photos I have had the joy of seeing from Christopher's life over these holidays. While it is so wonderful to be able to see them, it is also bittersweet to see him with a family that is not my own. It's so hard to see his kids in a photo with all their cousins ~ and the cousins are not my other grandchildren... It's so hard to see the beautiful son & daughter of my son who are yet are not my grandchildren. It was all the beautiful photos that brought the grief out. Seeing the wonderful man my son has become. Who is yet isn't a part of my life. Seeing his kids who only know me through the gifts I send. *sigh*
At least now I realize where this grief is coming from. I lived for three decades not realizing where the holiday blues were coming from. Now I know that fighting it will only make it worse, so I'm acknowledging it, falling into it, allowing it to be, so that it can hopefully work it's way through and out of my life for a while again.
Adoption. The gift that keeps on giving...
yup. or taking depending on how you look at it....
ReplyDeleteas I prepare to go back to therapy yet AGAIN for adoption stuff (appt tommorow). no matter how good I am doing (and I am doing well) it pops up like a bad rash I cannot itch.
hugs.
I love getting pictures that my granddaughter's ap's send her mother, but they are a "double-edged sword". They hurt sometimes just as much as they help. We are happy to see that she is happy (as any two-year old would be), but we resent that she is not happy and with her mother and us. The holidays will never be the same for any of us. After we opened presents this year, our daughter went to her room and spent most of the day there. It's a difficult time, and I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteAs a first mom as well as the daughter of an adoptee, it may or may not be of any consolation that the day may come that your grandchildren will want to know you personally. Although my mother claimed to not have an interest in her birth-family (she was truly in denial...she admitted that recently), I ALWAYS wanted to know about my birth-grandmother...even before I lost my daughter to adoption. (that only deepened my connection to her) But sadly, by the time I located her, she had passed away. Forever lost to me and my children...still makes me mad and sad.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a first mom to a 27 year old young lady, I completely understand the loss and longing triggered by the holidays. :(
Right there with ya, Susie. It just sucks snd there is no way around it. Does misery lives company apply here?!
ReplyDeleteOkay, enough debbie downer. Sending good, healing vibes your way.
Laurie