Five Years Ago Today ~

My life changed once again.

Before this day five years ago, I defined my life as "before" and "after".  Before I lost my firstborn son to adoption and after.

At 4:50 pm on January 16, 2009 my life again changed ~ never to be the same again.  Now I have another "after" ~ after reunion!

I learned that Christopher was indeed alive!  And healthy and happy.  And that he grew up with wonderful parents.

What a whirlwind my life became in the days, weeks, months, indeed years became after reading those wonderful first emails!

As in the previous years since then, this year did hold some big moments.  I finally got to meet my handsome and charming 6 year old grandson and sweet little almost 4 year old granddaughter in July.  In September Christopher & family got to meet some of my closest friends when we all traveled east to attend his art gallery opening.  There I also got to see and visit with Christopher's mom again ~ as well as finally meeting his dad, sister & her hubby, and his mother-in-law. 

Life is good...

I don't know if I have ever mentioned that I am a quilter.  I have had some hand-dyed fabrics for several months but I didn't know what I was going to do with them.  The fabrics were a set of browns called "Earth" and a set of fire colors called "Fire".  They were too beautiful to cut into just willy nilly so they have been sitting on my cutting table for me to look at whenever I was in my sewing room.  One day a couple of weeks ago I was looking at some photos of my son and his artwork when suddenly I knew what those fabrics were supposed to be!  The process of creating this piece became a meditation for me.  As I sewed (and ripped out many seams!) I thought about our (Christopher & I) relationship compared to earth & fire, to firing ceramics in a wood-fired kiln.  The quilt turned out beautifully ~ I named it "Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire".  Where every quilt I'm working on/finishing at the moment seems to be my favorite one, I think this one might stay at the top of the list for a while!

"Of The Earth ~ Into The Fire" and the inspiration behind it

Happy 2nd Reunion Anniversary Christopher!

Two years ago yesterday I found the emails from the search angel and one from Christopher saying they were looking for me.  Two years ago today I received my first real email from Christopher.  The one that answered the questions that haunted me almost daily for nearly 30 years; was he healthy? happy? did he get good parents?

To answer your long awaiting ?'s - Yes, I'm healthy aside for gaining weight when my wife was pregnant with our son 2 years ago and never losing it : )   My parents are rock stars (not literally but they are the greatest).  And yes I'm a very happy person. 

In those first few sentences, I learned that my prayers had come true, as well as the fact that I had a grandson too!

I mailed Christopher an Anniversary card.  I can't believe I found one that was appropriate, and it had room to write "Reunion" before "Anniversary".  It was so very hard to not get too gushy when writing in the card, but I have been really trying to hold back when writing to Christopher lately.  He's been very quiet for a few months now. 

I've tried to never tell any of Christopher's story here on my blog.  I hopefully will not say too much here now.  There has been a big change in his life, which I believe is part of why he is quiet.  In December Christopher wrote to tell me that part of why he had been quiet at that point was because he had been going to several doctor appointments and was diagnosed with a pretty serious heart disease.  He has since been evaluated at Mayo Clinic, got a very reassuring report that the condition shouldn't get any worse, that it should be well controlled with medication and only minor restrictions in physical activity.  His first emails after diagnosis were very down, he couldn't help but wonder if he was going to see his kids grow up and get married, become parents.  One of my replies to him told him that he wasn't going anywhere because I had many dreams for our future ~  dreams I had never told him of because I worried I would be imposing myself onto him. 

Now, he's quiet again.  I hope that once he has had time to adjust to this change in his life, he will be back again as before.  I hope I haven't scared him off by wanting more than he is willing to give. 

I hope the jars of homemade salsa I canned last summer and mailed to him today, with the Snoopy anniversary card, warms him up to me again!


So much has changed since those first days of reunion two years ago, I feel like a completely different person.  Yet.  So much has stayed the same.  I still sometimes feel like that scared, insecure 15 year old.  Afraid of losing her son all over again.