Still Hiding from Adoption...

I've been MIA for a while now...

I am still in somewhat of a... limbo? in my "adoption life".  I can't get into writing what is in my head and heart, without getting too personal, telling more of Christopher's story than I want to.

No updates on Christopher's recuperation.  I'm assuming no news is good news... 

I have been busy at home and school making both places look like the North Pole.  No, there is no such thing as too many Christmas decorations ~ don't listen to my hubby!  I LOVE this time of year, all of it.  I think I'm over-immersing myself into the season this year as a way of ignoring the reality of Christopher's continued silence. Thank goodness I have a wonderful distraction instead of just going into a major funk.  For now anyways...

Hopefully I will get back to writing soon. 

In the meantime, since I have started catching up on all the adopto-land blogs and fb pages again, here is some great linkage. 

here are is a great blog,
 Single Mothers To Be

a great blog post,
 Thinking of Placing Your Baby For Adoption?  Think Very Hard

(I'm adding both of the above to my "For Mothers Considering Adoption" page)

and an interesting article to read.
Fetal Cells Are Forever

I will leave you with one of my favorite Christmas songs!

A Very Thankful Thanksgiving!!

Being Thankful doesn't even begin to describe my feelings this Thanksgiving!  The things I am most thankful for are the same as last year, but the depth of the thankfulness is much, much, more intense. 

Usually in the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving I find myself planning the big day, reflecting on the previous year and how much I have been blessed with in my life to be thankful for.  This year, with Christopher's surgery being scheduled just two days before Thanksgiving...  I was paralyzed.  I couldn't bring myself past yesterday.  "The Tuesday Before Thanksgiving" loomed huge and ugly before me. 

Here we are now, about 30 hours since his open-heart surgery was over, and he is making remarkable strides in healing already!  By mid-morning today, he had already read all the well-wishes from people on the carepage set up for updates on his surgery, as well as been checking things out on FaceCrack (love that name, totally stole it from Linda!).  He also has taken two walks, had a couple of tubes removed, and they have already talked about letting him go home this weekend. 

I hadn't even shopped for anything to make for tomorrow ~ thank goodness that my uncle decided to plan a huge bash for my dad's side of the family so I only had to make a side dish and a dessert.  No house cleaning necessary!  My lovely daughter was out & about and got groceries for me this afternoon, so I didn't even have to leave my house today.  I'm still recouping from strep, thankfully the antibiotics kicked in fast.  It probably helped that I was able to spend about 24 hours in bed sleeping off and on (mostly on!). 

Despite the fact that I couldn't think about Thanksgiving Day until I heard the news of Christopher's successful surgery, I am more than ready for it!  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  My parents somehow always managed to pull it together for holidays, we had a fighting-free day usually.  We always spent Thanksgiving with my Aunt & Uncle, cousins who lived just a block away from us, and this aunt was always my favorite.  Probably because she was always laughing, could always find humor in things that just pissed off my mom.  My mom and my Aunt Opal were always very proud of their turkeys too ~ we have a photo of them with Tom every year I think! 

Mom & Aunt Opal with Tom

I wish each and every one of you 

a very happy, very blessed Thanksgiving Day. 

May your day be full of family, friends, 

and of course lots of yummy food!  

 Susie

Sorry for this rambling post, I think my brain is still scrambled from all of the worrying!

Surgery Went Well!!!!

Deep sigh of relief, prayers of thanks have been going on for an hour now since I got the news that Christopher was out of surgery and in ICU.  He will be there for about 24 hours, in the hospital for about 5 days. 

I want to thank all of you ~ for all your kind words, all of your thoughts and prayers for us.  I truly don't know what I would do without all you "cyber" friends out there who get just how hard this is for me.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!

I went to the doctor today, have been feeling a little off for a couple of days, figured it was all the stress and worry about Christopher and ignored it mostly.  I haven't been sick with so much as a cold for over 4 years now.  Couldn't sleep the last two nights because I couldn't breathe (and I was worrying about Christopher), this morning the glands on both sides of my neck were painfully swollen, and I had a fever.  I have strep as well as a possible sinus infection...  yay.  My doctor (who has become a great friend) said that she isn't surprised at all that I would get sick now. 

So I'm off to bed, to try to get a nap in.  I need to get myself better so I can enjoy eating too much on Thanksgiving and drinking too much on Fuschia Friday!  (One of my best-est friends lives near Chicago, she is home for Thanksgiving, and we are having a Girl Party to celebrate all of us being together again.  Black Friday is too depressing of a name, so we gave it a festive name instead!) 

I hope you all have a fabulous Thanksgiving! 

Susie

Surgery Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christopher's surgery.  I don't know what time, I am assuming it will be somewhat early in the morning. 

Still not 100% sure I'm going to get updates, hopefully I will at least get a text when the surgery is over.  

If you are one who prays, please pray for Christopher, the Doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic tomorrow.

When I get an update, I will update all of you.  Thank you so much for all the care and concern you have shown me.  I truly appreciate it!

Christopher is undergoing some pretty serious surgery next week.  As the day gets closer the more worried I find myself.

The more worried I find myself, the more the adoption loss hurts.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, to remember that this surgery is highly successful.  Christopher's life span will return to the normal rate again after surgery, without surgery his life span is greatly decreased.  No matter the statistics, just knowing that my son will be put on a heart-lung machine during surgery to remove part of his heart muscle is pretty scary stuff!


In my attempt to write every day in this Month of Adoption,  too much adoption crap is brought to the surface.  I thought it would be a help, concentrating on speaking out to the truths of adoption loss, about family preservation instead of Christopher's upcoming surgery.  Instead all it's doing is making me crazy. 

Last night I just couldn't do it.  I couldn't put together the energy to write anything.  So I didn't.  Why make things harder than they already are? 

So I am taking a break.  I will be back, you aren't getting rid of me forever.  My heart and brain just need a break until after Christopher's successful surgery and recovery. 

I would love and appreciate any prayers and positive/healing energy you want to send Christopher's way at the Mayo Clinic in MN next week.   I will let you all know how things are going.

Susie
here's some info about Christopher's disease:
Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy (HCM)
here's some info about the surgery he will be having:
Septal Myectomy

A Knife To The Heart

I had a wonderful day today.  Opening Day of deer hunting season is a almost a bigger holiday than Christmas around here!  The hubby's family are a deer hunting family.  The men folk little and big (and one niece) get up early to go kill Bambi and family, while the women folk cook all morning and gather at noon at the in-laws for the big Hunter's Lunch.  The wives, kids, and now their kids all gather for the lunch too. 

The hunters slowly trickle in around noon, showing off their trophies or sharing stories of the ones seen, not seen, the ones who got away.  The Nebraska game was on then so the guys even got to enjoy a bit of the game before heading back out again. 

I love the family I married into.  We all get along wonderfully, we truly enjoy getting together.  As I was sitting in the kitchen listening to my kids with their cousins today, telling stories of years gone by, I was overwhelmed with joy.  It is so wonderful to see your children as adults being great friends.  Then it hit me.  Actually, it was more like being stabbed.  If only...

If only ALL my children could have been there. 

No matter the occasion, whenever all my kids are together, or all my grandkids.  It's never complete. 

That's what adoption does to a family.  Tears it apart. 


Another thing you don't realize you are giving up when you give up a child for adoption.

They don't tell you that you are already a family.  Even if it's just the mother and infant, you are still a family. A family that should be honored and cherished, not torn apart.  For even decades later, the pain of the loss of that child is like a knife stabbing you in what is left of your heart.

Susie

Another Song and A Veteran's Day Salute

I don't remember exactly when I first heard this song.  But hearing the first two notes is all it takes to send me right back to where I was when I first heard it.  It wasn't long after reunion, I was still reeling from the surprise of it all, just beginning to come out of the fog.  Trace wrote this song about the loss of his first wife, but it sure is spot on for my feelings about the loss of my son to adoption!

Tags: I Can't Outrun You, Trace Adkins, Trace Adkins Videos

Especially these lyrics:

...You're in my heart
You're in my mind
Everywhere ahead
Everywhere behind
Every turn I take
You're right around the bend
It's like your ghost is chasing me
When I'm awake
When I'm asleep
There's a part of you in every part of me
And I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you...

Thought there might just come a time
I wouldn't regret tellin' you goodbye
But lookin' back
Should'a realized
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you
I can't outrun you

 Another Trace Adkins song that brings goosebumps (especially in the last minute of the video) ~ in honor of Veteran's Day. 
Freedom isn't free ~ I thank and honor all those who have fought and will continue to fight for my freedom.

 

Susie
Ok - I will admit it...  Trace gives me goosebumps singing any song, not just these two!  When he asks "Do Ya Wanna?"  
*breathless* 
yeah...  I do!!