I have talked before about how songs sometimes "talk" to me.
One phrase from a song has playing in my head for days now. I didn't think anything of it, since it's part of a song I have long loved. This morning as the words
I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.
began playing in my head again, I realized that I needed to pay attention to them, not just dismiss them.
I have built my life around Christopher. From the moment he was born. I didn't realize it for decades while I was in such denial, but after reunion I saw that I had lived my life around the loss of my firstborn.
Since reunion, I have continued to build my life around him ~ maybe even more than before. The wanting, hoping, waiting, never-ending thoughts of Christopher.
I know that something needs to change for my own sanity. But how? What? ? How do I quit yearning for my son to be a part of my life? How does a mother quit worrying about how her child is doing? I look at photos of his beautiful wife and children and wonder if they will ever know me. How does someone stop wishing that their grandchildren could be a part of their life? How do I quit wondering if my grandchildren will ever even know that I am their grandmother??
Is is possible to change my thoughts?
Is it possible, but I'm just afraid of doing it?
I don't think it's possible to change my life. Unless I go back into that Land Of Denial... Although, wait... That didn't really work the first time around either. I just wasn't aware that so much of what I was/wasn't doing in my life was directly effected by the loss of my son. So no, denial isn't an option.
So I still haven't figured out what, if anything, my subconscious is trying to tell me by having that phrase from this song on repeat lately. Maybe it's another line from the song, there are a few to choose from...
Can the child within my heart rise above?Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I took my love and I took it down.I climbed a mountain and I turned aroundAnd I saw my reflection in the snow covered hillsTill the landslide brought me downOh mirror in the sky, what is love?Can the child within my heart rise above?Can I sail through the changing ocean tidesCan I handle the seasons of my lifeMmm I don't knowMmm MmmWell, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you.But time makes you bolder,children get older,and I'm getting older too.So...I've been afraid of changing because I, I've built my life around youBut time makes you bolder,Children get olderI'm getting older too.I'm getting older too...So....Take this love and take it downOh, if you climb a mountain and turn aroundIf you see my reflection in the snow covered hill,Well, the landslide will bring it down, down.And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills,Well Maybe...The landslide will bring you down,Well, well, the landslide will bring it down.